Is Control Impacting Your Relationship?

by Emma Viglucci

Partners protect themselves because of the inherent vulnerable position in their intimate primary relationship… It is not uncommon for partners to protect themselves by using forms of control. Control provides a sense of security, safety, preservation, asylum and even freedom.

But these are elusive, they are like sand running through fingers, and hence control is pervasive… Control provides a false sense of being OK, promoting disconnect, pain and dissatisfaction. When partners use control they are actually creating more space between each other. Obviously this isn’t the way to go.

Control can take on many forms. Some common ones include: Anticipating, assuming, mindreading, projecting, using logic and rhetoric, fact-finding, and assigning motive. All which have a negative impact on the relationship… 

In anticipating, partners love to think they know what the other will do, how they will respond, what they will choose, how they will feel and such. Yes, because historically our partner has been a certain way and because we know our partner, we can anticipate what might happen…

When we operate from a place of already knowing the outcome, we are not allowing something different to happen. We are not allowing our partner, and even ourselves, from being or doing something different, which is what would create the change we are seeking…

We can make all kinds of assumptions for the same reasons. We might be historically informed, but we are cheating the relationship from evolving. When partners relate through assuming they are creating circumstances for things to go wrong and to be disenfranchised. They are short-changing themselves of an opportunity to connect by checking-in, getting on the same page and synchronizing.

Mindreading is a real arrogant way of being in relationship. Who are we to know what’s in someone else’s mind? Yes, we can make educated guesses, but this is extremely intrusive and disrespectful. We are going in our partner’s mind with our own filters… There is nothing trustworthy of the information coming from this tactic. Talk about really setting ourselves up to fail. Note, this does not refer to imagining how somebody could feel, using compassion…

Projecting is how things get really interesting… Partners start going around and around on topics and experiences losing track of whose issue, feeling, or need it is… This is crazy making in interactions…

Logic, rhetoric, and fact- and truth- finding are all ego-driven. These are ways to prove ourselves right and to make our partner wrong creating a lose-lose situation. And, what’s the benefit in that?

Assigning motives is a sure way to shoot ourselves on the foot. Partners going through a rough patch rarely assign positive motives, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, or extend grace. They are usually convinced their partner did what they did on purpose to hurt or because they don’t care… They assign intentionally and assume the worse.

While these are common, they are not exclusive. Partners have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves to survive their relationship… Imagine employing several of these and others in your interactions. This is the surest way to create bizarre and messy situations.

When you can’t follow what is happening in an interaction or get anywhere, it’s because a lot of these are going on… Make sure you don’t create more damage… Clean this up, and fast! The life of your relationship depends on it, literally!

> Boundary setting and getting needs met:

All of the control tactics are actually boundary injuries… If you find yourself doing the above, or other control tactics, then you are owning your partner and not owning yourself…

If you just had the thought that your partner is controlling, this applies to you as well as you are still “other-focused” and that’s part of a lack of ownership approach… What are you doing or not doing that is inviting your partner to be controlling…? Identify how the way you are carrying on is controlling in and of itself…

Any boundary injurious tactic constitutes putting a knife to the bond between you… This is a most painful, dissatisfying, and hopeless approach to our relationship. Mind how you can clean up your side… Be super diligent about this. The better the boundaries, the better the relationship!

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…

Happy Cleaning!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.

If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…

Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…

Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.

Add this to your Tool Kit…

   Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.