Often times partners share their wondering about how exclusivity, monogamy, and fidelity is possible in a longterm relationship. It is usually the male partners who pose this question when their female counterpart is not present.
I appreciate their honesty, risk and willingness to explore this topic and concern.I completely understand their plight. Unfortunately, this is often chucked to “boys will be boys”, “it is unnatural for a man to be monogamous” and the like making men appear archaic. I would like to believe that we are more evolved than this. That society is not caging an animal with marriage that when let loose it will wreak havoc.
No, not “I would like to believe”, I DO believe that. I believe that the primal impulse to conquer and be “king of the jungle” has evolved and moved to the career and money earning potential realm. This is why men who don’t feel comfortable in their level of success, as measured by society’s standards in this regard, are depressed, dissatisfied, “searching” and managing the associated pain by numbing themselves in some way.
Yes, the “successful” ones experience some of this as well because they still don’t feel as the “king of the jungle” at some level… Their primary relationship is not meeting this need… I hear the uproar from women, feminists and social keepers…
But, let these men loose and they are still not happy… The answer lies in the balance between togetherness and separateness not just when it comes to how much time we spend together, but at an identity and energy level. If we are “too close” we lose our selves, our individuality, our uniqueness. This is a traumatic and annihilating loss.
Women have a higher tolerance level for this as historically and culturally they’ve been taught, and even threatened, to be in this role, and because their brain is wired for “weness” to serve an evolutionary purpose.
Men might experience this more as the caged-in syndrome. They are more likely to experience exclusivity as restrictive and believe that the answer might lie in going elsewhere to find and engage the other parts of themselves…
Sexual intimacy as we know it in relationship, is laden with burden and restrictiveness. Women bring in the caretaking and men the protectiveness (restrained aggression). Neither is bringing their primal and adult-evolved selves, whose basic needs are being met, to their interaction. This creates neediness and apathy. This is boring!
What we usually fail to see is that in absence there is longing. In separateness we can embrace and share our splendor, and herein the “king of the jungle” thrives. Here is where men and women get to be themselves without the burden of stereotypes and other prescriptions…
So, how do we set up security, connection and closeness to meet our security needs, and yet allow for space, separateness and individuality to meet our identity and erotic needs? We think (or react…) through our interactions. We think through our lovemaking.
Thinking creates emotional intimacy (when positive…), but with the caveat of impeding erotic intimacy. We do not allow ourselves to feel and be present. We do not fully express ourselves physically. We do not fully engage our embodied soul. We feel empty and dead.
We might fall pray to believing we’d feel more alive by increasing the number of sexual conquests we notch on our belt, but we are bigger than this! It is instead about how we fully express our Selves in our human dimension in every interaction and every moment. It is not about numbers, it is about being…
So, while we continue to invest in meeting our basic needs it behooves us to be with ourselves, in our body and have a full experience of our Selves that we share with our partner. Yes, reality has its limitations and consequences. It is challenging to achieve this level of Being.
In the mean time the use of fantasy, Imagination, in sexuality is a vehicle that allows for the expression of unmet security needs, unburdened loving, and engagement of our embodied soul. As Esther Perel suggests, “sex is somewhere we go, not something we do” and the goal in our relationship is to have intimacy through sex – erotic intimacy.
Our committed relationship, marriage, is then not a cage but a mechanism for self exploration, development and expression. This marrying of meeting our security and identity needs, eroticism, frees us to transcend our human experience, and the perceived limitations of monogamy, allowing us to embrace our latent Spiritual Being…
At the end of the day, fully embracing our humanity and physical body is our pathway to our Spiritual Self… Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly start implementing this, make changes and immediately experience the relationship you want. There is no need to be archaic – transcend the limitations and embrace the possibilities!
Happy Transcending!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment Find something romantic to do with your partner, your self and/or a platonic someone else… Engage your body and senses… Give from the heart, use your imagination, get creative, be indulgent – savor the giving, savor the moment, savor the love. Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Often times couples get so hang up in the business of running their life, attending to their family and other responsibilities, and working that being together, enjoying each other and having fun falls to the way side.
This creates a terrible state of affairs where after a while couples forget how to have fun together … Too often I hear couples question whether they still have anything in common or if they ever did, wonder how to rebuild that into their relationship, and struggling with it once they do.
Our partnership, long-term relationship or marriage, cannot be all business. This is the quickest way to fall out of love, take each other for granted, not feel each other or feel disconnected, get on each other’s nerves, lose attraction, and other crippling states.
It behooves us to make investing in our relationship a priority. This can take on many forms – nurturing gestures, spending quality time together, outings and trips, sharing dreams, completing joint projects, learning and using new relationship skills, building the tolerance muscle of allowing each partner to Be themselves and bringing that to interactions and fun time …
Create space to allow fun in your relationship and a system for making it happen! Watch the video above to guide you in immediately incorporating fun in your relationship.
5 Tips for Extra Relationship Fun:
1) Embrace differences
2) Create own Wish Lists of 10+ “fun” ideas
3) Pick from each other’s lists and plan the activity you each choose
4) Stretch to gift your partner from their list …
5) Systematize for ongoing fun … !
It’s time to have fun! Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Enjoy your relationship like never before. Bring your uniqueness, interests, excitement and Self to your fun time. Be with your partner to have fun!
Happy Fun Times!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
How do you like to have fun? What are your interests? Are you pursuing them? How do you spend your down time? How do you recharge? How do you feel alive? How do you feel sexy? When are you super excited? What makes you laugh? What touches your heart? What are adventurous things on your must-dos-before-I-kick-the-bucket list? If you don’t have one, make one! Ponder these things, explore, pursue, share … Give your partner a preview …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Time is a commodity in short supply depending on how you approach it … If you are strict about measuring time by the clock and calendar, there will never be enough hours in a day to create a lifetime of pleasure and purpose …
On the other hand, if you choose to Experience time, Being in the moment, you’d transcend the time-space-reality barriers and instead join the Vastness that Is. Here is when time becomes limitless and where all Abundance resides … Here is where joy, happiness and contentment happens. Here is where we make the difference and fulfill our Destiny …
The challenge is that we get distracted from the moment, from Being, by all the noise we create by doing! We put ourselves in a hamster wheel and then wonder why life, and our relationship, feel meaningless and exhausting. To top it off, partners are in their own wheels! We make it impossible to fulfill our commitment to our Journey …
This is detrimental to our relationship. It is impossible to synchronize, connect, feel each other, and feel our love if we are in separate worlds and in constant motion. We are moving targets!
It’s time to recognize the reality of this, acknowledge its impact, and do repair and rebuilding before the “clock runs out”.
First off, get off the hamster wheel! Take a ruthless look at your situation and how you are creating chaos and noise in your life. Be honest. Identify the demands, distractions, obligations, inefficiencies and redundancies that are energy suckers and black holes in your life.
Take a look at your commitments, routine and situation. Do these honor you? Do they add to the quality of your life? Are they in alignment with your Authentic Self, your core values, and your purpose in life?
We have a tendency to operate with blinders on convincing ourselves that how we do things works, that we need the things we have, that the world will fall apart if we don’t do everything on our to-do list, that more is better. Stop the race. Life is not a marathon. Slow down the pace, remove the noise,clear out the clutter, restructure the routine – free up your Energy. When you remove the shackles you have Time, the possibility, to Be.
And this is Magnificent, for in your Being you are grounded, available, connected and abundant. You are Splendid. You are infinitely attractive … This is the partner your partner is attracted to. This is the partner your partner can relate to. This is the partner our partner enjoys. This is the Partner your Partner Loves.
Let’s take this a step further and get a little crazy. How about making Time for our Partner!? (sarcasm …) Imagine you align your schedules, calendars, routines, rhythms … Imagine that you bring You, in all your Splendor, to the places of convergence. Imagine how Glorious those interactions can be … This does not have to reside in your imagination only, for once you imagine it you can create it … Trust me …
Start with this:
1) Set the intention to have this – make the picture really vivid with colors, feelings and meaning …
2) Start creating Time
3) Invite your Partner to synchronize
4) Show up in your Splendor
When you choose to get off the hamster wheel with your doing and decide to Be, Live, you have All the Time in the Universe … Time, Abundance and Love are then not a scarcity … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Timing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of where your divergent point(s) happen in your relationship. Where in time and space do you find you miss each other? Where are you ships crossing in the night? When do most of your fights or disagreements happen? When do you feel the worst about your relationship or your partner (lonely, rejected, critical, hopeless, stuck, etc.)? These are all opportunities for creating Magnificence – you are not in sync or attuned, there is no space, and you are not showing up … Line up your Timing and approach your partner in your Splendor …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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