One of the major consequences of running our life on overdrive is the impact on our energy, not just its vibration but how much of it we have. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed (as have you, but might not fully know it yet!) with the ability to generate energy naturally. Even during the craziest times, I had loads of energy. Though looking back, it was probably partially fueled by my adrenaline and sugar addiction (i.e., hot chocolate and Oreos for dinner while working). Ha!
And, Poor Energy has tons of consequences as you might already know!
For the sake of this issue and its audience, I want to focus on its impact on Intimacy. When we run rugged our intimacy suffers. Period. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that, but I want to show you how and how to change it along with other culprits that impact intimacy. Bear in mind, I’m only addressing this from this minute angle, there is so much more going on here emotionally and practically… Hence, I’m always preaching about streamlining, simplifying, decommitting and such…
5 Culprits of Low Intimacy…
Well, it’s not surprising that if we are tackling the all the world’s problems that we’d be exhausted at the end of the day. Also, the overachievers, multitaskers and overdoers run out of time to tackle their super aggressive agenda, so they cut into their sleep time to compensate. Not to mention that if they are women, they are probably the one waking up more in the middle of the night with little ones, especially if they are nursing. Yeah, fun times!
This state messes with patience, bandwidth, mood, outlook, body image, appetite, libido… Not only are you too tired to do it, you also have no interest… And, if you are a woman and somehow got over this hump, then you run into not being able to turn your brain/ruminating off… You can’t get in the mood and your female physiology doesn’t cooperate to boot. And, this is only culprit #1 on this list!
Once we move in together, and even more so once children come along, the focus of the relationship changes to creating a life together. The focus becomes on the domestic. Before, it was about sharing, now is about managing. There is Being in sharing… But, there is a lot of doing in managing when tackled as a big long *a—s to-do list… This in and of itself is terrible as not only does this contribute to the exhaustion, but our awesome Self is not showing when we are in doing mode…
And, as if that’s not bad enough, when we don our Domestic hat, and live in our husband/wife and father/mother roles, we mute the person, the essence of ourselves – the male/female energy in the relationship… The roles are not interested in intimacy. They are all about duty, responsibility, and such. They are the antithesis of intimacy [Being mindful of my language… so as not to trigger spam blockers. LOL]. Unless you look at intimacy as duty! A different topic. I’m sure you are familiar with how fast the mood/moment changes when your baby cries, or one of the children comes to your door, or into your bed!
It gets better. Add to the above all the junkie thoughts you allow to rent space in your head. And, I am not referring to just your unfinished to do list, brainstorms about a project, thinking about a problem or concern, the big presentation tomorrow, or worrying about whatever you worry about. I’m referring to thoughts of your own inadequacy and misguided expectations about your partner, your intimacy and the relationship as a whole.
You can be downright mean to yourself and your partner in that head of yours. You might have thoughts of what sucky lovers you might each be, how gross your bodies might be, how disappointing as partners you might each be, etc… You might even have thoughts micromanaging your partner’s love making. Or, about how much pleasure you should have or how you are supposed to get there. We can be our own worst enemy in all areas of our life!
This is a tricky one because it’s not as obvious as the others. It refers to how close the partners are… I’m sure you have friends or know people, or this might even be you, that do everything with their partner. And, they think this is a good thing. They call each other best friends. They know everything about each other and every moment of their day. They are in constant contact. They only have couple friends and look down on single people. All their activities are family and kid related. They don’t leave their kids with others. They don’t take couple vacations, never mind trips without their partner. You get my drift.
This might sound idyllic to partners who feel distance and disconnection from their partner. But, these enmeshed partners are not better off. Their supposedly closeness picks up too much of a friendship vibe… They are too close, too together for mystery, interest, and desire to spark. The male and female energy necessary for attraction and passion gets muted… Yikes! These are the partners that are the most surprised to discover a possible affair.
And, here is where it gets fun. The easiest way to kill the human spirit (and desire and intimacy!) is through boredom. We are meant for variety, exploration, curiosity, adventure, feeling Alive… When our lives are monotonous, too safe / secure, without meaning or purpose, and the like we lose oomph. We don’t have a fire in our belly, drive, hunger… There is no aliveness. There is no mystic.
To make matters worse, this carries into the actual relationship – it’s just there. It’s taken for granted. It’s expected to last a lifetime without nourishment… As we very well know anything that is neglected withers, breaks down or goes away. This true for a garden, a car, health, finances, and anything you can think of. If the relationship doesn’t get attention it doesn’t exist, it’s just a contract, an agreement… How fun is that? Never mind radiant…
And, then add a boring bedroom life for good measure. If you get to the lovemaking the same way all the time and do the same things all the time, where is the curiosity, the enticement, the anticipation, the draw, the eagerness, the yearning, the build-up…? For you see our intimacy is driven by our brain which needs proper stimulation…
And, you wonder what happened to your intimacy? The answer is: Plenty!
ASSIGNMENT: If you are having intimacy issues, there is so much to address… But, don’t let this overwhelm you. Start by identifying which is the biggest low intimacy Culprit in your relationship:
Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
Boredom – there isn’t enough stimulation (not stress…) in your life and relationship
Make it your business to create change in this area. For example:
~ Remove todos from your Lifestyle. Yes, you can! They are all self-imposed!
~ Build-in and honor Couple Time in your routine
~ Clean your thinking and limiting believes
~ Have lovely Me time and nurture your individuality
~ Change things up in your repertoire…
Do whatever it takes if you are serious about creating your amazing, radiant, successful relationship. Make changes with Gusto. Embrace them. Enjoy!
Here is to an exciting and lively week! Make it fun!
ANOTHER QUICK UPDATE:
The 1day virtual Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ is scheduled for 4/4! Mark your calendar! Stay tuned for how to register. It’s going to be an epic event! Sooo excited! Eek!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
PS1 – As always, we are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.