Post Valentine’s Day Blues are real…

Post Valentine’s Day Blues are real… There is even a thing as “Anti Valentine’s Day Week”… This week is not just for those that don’t believe on the mushy holiday, but also for those who are disappointed by it. Regardless of what camp you are in on the holiday and your Valentine’s Day experience, you can use this week to enrich your relationship. I say you – do it again, do it over, or do it after all…

This idea has to do with not wasting any opportunities to be loving, nurturing, and generous. So, whether you don’t care about Valentine’s Day, had a phenomenal experience, or had a terrible experience here is another opportunity to celebrate and enjoy each other…

~ Now, I get that you really might not give a hoot about Valentine’s Day – to that I say forget the Valentine’s Day concept behind this suggestion. Instead focus on the message.

The message is to do something amazing for and with your partner. Yes, you can do that anytime you don’t need this holiday for that. True. So, again, ignore the holiday and take the prompt to do something special and enjoy each other. Partners are neglecting each other more than ever right about now. So, whatever it takes, feel the nudge. Why not take a nudge to be loving any time, even this time?

~ You might have had an amazing Valentine’s Day. You get a Gold Star! It is not easy to plan, make the time, nurture and give, and enjoy good things… Specially with our partner…

So, why not do it again? And again? And again…? The point in this scenario is not to keep doing Valentine’s Day, but to keep nurturing your relationship just as much and as well. If we only gave our relationship as much attention and nurturing as we give other things in our life… Can you see the possibilities for your relationship?!

~ Right now, I actually want to support those who didn’t have a great experience for Valentine’s Day. They wanted to. They tried. But it was still a flop and didn’t get what they desired.

If this is you, you are not alone.

Why You Didn’t Have a Great Valentine’s Day

You might have set out to have a great Valentine’s Day or you got the flowers and the sweets, yet it all felt mechanical, empty and flat.

Valentine’s Day, or Anniversaries, or Mother’s and Father’s Days, or Birthdays for that matter, don’t have to do with the doing and the buying… This is partly where partner’s go wrong. Partners get hang up on the hoopla, or lack thereof, and miss the point of these celebrations…

The point to any celebration is to celebrate the people involved.

These celebrations have to do with acknowledging a partner’s brilliance, uniqueness, commitment, devotion, loyalty, contributions, accomplishments and how they make a positive difference in our life.

When we have celebrations, we might not do a great job of acknowledging and celebrating the people, and the relationship.

Celebrations become about the stuff and not the experience of spotlighting the awesomeness… Therein lies the rub…

People usually have a strong negativity bias, unless they are from Mars. Just kidding. Unless they are in the minority who don’t, for varied reasons. Or, if they’ve worked on reprogramming themselves and continue to be very intentional about focusing on the positives vs. the negatives…

When a person has a strong negativity bias, they filter every experience with a fear-based lens as a survival mechanism. They live in a blind-like state missing out on the awesomeness and the possibilities…

They notice and focus on everything that’s out of place, everything that’s wrong, everything that can be improved, everything that can be different or better, and such… This is not coming from a desire to continually evolve. This is coming from lack and deprivation and as a survival tactic… Very different.

So, I’m sure you can see how this plays out in our relationship… If one or both partners are constantly negatively focused, they’ll have a tendency to complain, nitpick, criticize, control, nag, micromanage, and the like.

And do you know what happens when partner’s do this? The other dismisses, minimizes, shuts down, withdraws, or chooses not to contribute (intentionally or not…).

You might take turns showing up with these defenses. Or, more likely you have polarized into one or the other style.

What happens when partners polarize? Their dynamics get stuck. They keep having the same recurring arguments, the same way. They can’t seem to resolve concerns or issues. They have a hard time getting on the same page and collaborating.

And, most importantly, when partners polarize, they feel disconnected, unloved, taken for granted and the like… They don’t know how to connect, have fun together and enjoy each other…

Well then, doesn’t it make sense that if a partner, or both, have been in a funk of any kind pre-pandemic, and even more so now with our global situation, that they’d have their negativity bias running rampant? And, if that’s the case, that they’d create funky dynamics and feel stuck in their relationship?

Then how are they supposed to see and acknowledge the beauty in their partner? How are they to celebrate their partner when they barely see them?

And, how are they to celebrate their relationship when they might not feel there is anything great to celebrate?

Doesn’t it make sense then that Valentine’s Day was rough??

How to Get Back to Loving…

The key here is not to go at Valentine’s Day or any celebration with a traditional approach. The solution is to address the state of your relationship…

And this is not by talking about the relationship… This is by focusing on Enriching Your Relationship. It’s about turning up the dial on how you show up, what you put in, and how grace-full and gracious you are… It’s about:

Minding your minds
Working at communication
Addressing triggers and meeting needs
Creating and nurturing connection
Cracking collaboration

Then you see your partner. Then you see their beauty. Then you love the relationship.

When you mind your relationship, you can celebrate your partner and your relationship…

This is a work in progress, so in the meantime the simplest thing to do is not to run the other way and to ignore the disappointing Valentine’s Day.

The thing to do is to try a celebration again… You don’t have to do the pink and red, but rather set up time to spotlight any awesomeness you are able to see and share the love you know you have… You might not be feeling the love right about now, but you know it’s there…

Set up the opportunity to connect and enjoy.

Here is another chance at Love. Take a risk, take advantage. There is nothing to lose.

ASSIGNMENT: Invite your partner to a Date. Include all the elements you know they enjoy. And, show up with your Best Self and best of intentions to please and be pleased. Look for and bask in what’s great. Enjoy!

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

Happy Pleasing!

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

What to do with Valentine’s Day…

by Emma Viglucci

Do you love Valentine’s Day? Some obviously don’t. And, some would totally love to love it but because of their circumstances it is just a painful holiday for them. Which one are you? If you fall in the don’t love it (actually hate it) or in the painful category, I hope you can still find nuggets in here to apply to your life and relationship/s outside of Valentine’s Day… So, here is what to do with Valentine’s Day…

Yes, it has been a very challenging past year. What this past year has done for relationships is not actually what people predicted and anticipated at the beginning of the Pandemic. It has not brought on a Baby Boom. And, it has not brought on a surge in divorce rates.

What does this mean? This means that couples are actually in a paralyzed state. They are stagnant, they are stuck, they are numb. They are surviving the onslaught of additional demands and the impact of these scary and uncertain times and the tension they create.

Partners are enduring more friction, they are experiencing more fighting, and they are hanging in there with less attention, nurturing and compassion. They are putting their heads down and just drudging on… They are resigned to their current state and are on survival mode. They seem frozen in time… They are not taking enough action to address their situation. They are just grinning and bearing it. A real sad state of affairs and really not sustainable…

Then, comes Valentine’s Day time…

Valentine’s Day can be used as a saving grace… This can be used to set things right…

I implore you, regardless of what camp you are in on VDay, to heed what’s offered here not to follow a shallow holiday but to use it as a tool…

This Valentine’s Day is Different

This Valentine’s Day is different this year, Partners:

Are not in the mood given their current state…
Find it frivolous to splurge on a silly holiday when funds are tight.
Might not have the financials to allocate to the holiday even they want to.
Feel at a loss for how to celebrate as options are very limited with the current restrictions.
Have inadequate support if they have small children making it harder to make time to celebrate.
Are preoccupied with more important things.
…

Well, I say all that is bogus:

You don’t need money to celebrate if that is your excuse…
Yes, we have restrictions, that can be worked around…
Stop using your children as an excuse to neglect your relationship…

Don’t shoot the messenger. I know it’s not easy having small children and that they affect intimacy and desire… But, don’t use it as an excuse, let’s work around it. Where there is a will, there is a way.

And if you don’t have the will, I encourage you to challenge that for your own and your relationship’s wellbeing… Choose to transcend the minutia, the monotony, the numbness, the apathy and to show up… It is a choice!

Celebrating Valentine’s Day Amidst a Pandemic

Hey, nobody has ever said life is easy. It so happens that part of our journey includes weathering a Global Pandemic. Aren’t we lucky to have this additional extra experience to contend with? We can’t say our time on earth was boring. Thriving during this pandemic is our code to crack… So, let’s please do that…

You can celebrate as simply or as intricately as you like. If you are up for intricate you are on the right track on your own, but can still borrow from these to additionally enrich your relationship:

You don’t have to go out to dinner or worry that you have limited options for fun activities. You can do these at home. Cook a different and special meal. Add candles and soft ambient music. Put the devices away. Have a special fun dessert. Plan a fun at home activity…
You don’t have to have an event for it. You can just acknowledge the day with special treatment of your partner and gestures.
You can gift a thoughtful bought or homemade card, or video.
You can celebrate with as simple a gesture as a Love Letter or Love Poem or Love Art Piece…
You can set time for a few minutes of sharing appreciations.
You can have a dance off, a pillow or tickle fight, or chase around the house for a more energetic exchange.
You can choose to interact with or give Love Promissory Notes in your partner’s Love Language.

The sky is the limit, really. Let your imagination run wild. You make this what you want it to be….

Why even bother? WHY NOT?! This is a built-in opportunity to snap out of the numbness, to gain and give comfort and security, to synchronize energetically with your partner, to share a fun, nurturing and loving moment, to nurture your relationship, to acknowledge your love, to celebrate your love, to get back on track, to recharge and to reignite.

Don’t waste this opportunity to invest in your relationship!

And while you are at it, why not do something that you can use to start a new Relationship Tradition. I shared about Rituals and Traditions in a Facebook Live: Check out the recording!

Again, you don’t have to be all sappy about it if that is not your style but do use this opportunity to generate more relationship energy, cohesiveness and satisfaction. Let your radiance shine through!

ASSIGNMENT: Watch this webinar!

3 Key Ingredients for Rekindling Love & Desire-
Learn how to increase your connection, intimacy and fun
Get it Here!

Wishing you much joy, fun, connection and love and the loveliest of Valentine’s Days…

Happy Celebrating!

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Does your Couple Brand need upgrading?

by Emma Viglucci

Have you ever noticed that there are certain couples in your life that you love being around, and others that you dread or avoid? How do you think others experience your relationship? Do they want to be around you and your partner? Or, do you find that you each get invites to go solo? Is your Couple Brand™ what you want it to be? Does your Couple Brand™ need upgrading?

Your couple brand is the flavor of your relationship. It’s also how your relationship comes across to others, and how others think of you as a couple.

If your relationship were to be described by your friends and families, what would they say about it? Do you think this captures the essence of it? Do you feel it’s reflective of how you experience your relationship? What is congruent and what isn’t?

And, let’s say that they got it right on the button and that you agree with what they see. Is what’s captured the relationship you want to have? Is this your Best Relationship?

If you were to choose the couple brand from scratch, what would you want it to be? What kind of relationship flavor do you want? What does the relationship you desire, your Best Relationship, look and feel like?

Here are some Couple Brand™ characteristics:

Tumultuous
Train Wreck
Argumentative
Bickering
Lots of fighting
Drama
Sick
Dysfunctional
Disloyal
Unsupportive
Uncommitted
Ships passing in the night
Roommates
Parallel lives
Single parenting
Dual careers
Power couple
Supportive
Cooperative
Collaborative
Strong partnership
Solid
Committed
Loyal
Loving
Fun
Adventurous
Funny
Romantic
Playful
Service oriented
Growth oriented
Wellness oriented
Inspiring
Role model

What is the current relationship flavor you have created? Are you satisfied with it? Would you change or expand it? To what? Choose a flavor form the list or choose your own! What kind of Couple Brand™ do you want to have? Who do you want to be as a couple?

Upgrade your Couple Brand™

Just as with any branding, first you have to connect to or identify what you stand for, the values you embrace and how you express those values. What is the purpose, mission and vision, what’s unique and sets you apart, how you want to be known, how you embody and live by your beliefs, how you show up authentically, how you represent, how you embrace who you are becoming…

This is a tall order. Usually, the partners don’t even know the answer to the above for themselves and are not in touch with their own Personal Brand. They live their lives by default and cocreate a relationship dynamic, relationship flavor and couple brand by default as well…

So, first explore and develop these aspects personally and make sure your own personal brand is up to par… Make it your business to own yourself more every day and embrace your brilliance more and more each day.

Then integrate your individual brands to develop a joint version… This is where things get interesting.

You might each have amazing personal brands but might find a lot of disconnects and differences to develop a cohesive joint brand. Therein lies the challenge… This is part of your relationship work and development…

Hey, you might say, Why do I even need a couple brand? You don’t need one but note that you are creating one whether you know it or not. So why not create one that you can be proud of? That serves as a role model to your children, and/or others? Why not create an amazing legacy? Why not use your relationship to fully embrace your human experience…?

As you each become more known and more accepted by each other, you’ll create more connection, intimacy and flow… This in and of itself starts expanding and aligning your Couple Brand™… See what emerges and name it. This is not static so don’t worry about being accurate or precise in your naming.

Your brand is always evolving… Just be intentional about it…

And note that what you do with the differences is what matters in the end. For you will have plenty… This is what makes you unique.

How you make it work for you, how you get creative, proactive and progressive and create your own relationship flavor is in the end your Couple Brand™. Make it a good one!

ASSIGNMENT: Focusing on developing your Couple Brand™ will not only Align you to You, but also assist you more easily implement a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle…

In other words, it’ll help you more easily create the relationship you desire, your radiant and successful relationship.

First, play with your Personal Branding. The more you own yourself the easier and more satisfying the relationship becomes…

- - - - If you are a Member watch this Deep Dive on our Member Center and complete the related exercises in the handout: Plan Your Best Year Yet, New Beginning or Reset
    - - Otherwise, develop your Personal Prime Directive™ with the resources on this post.

Then, play with your Couple Branding. Identify what characteristics are part of your current brand that you want to change and what your ultimate Couple Brand™ would be. And, take an action toward those changes and additions.

Finally, add a Connection Habit™ to lubricate the way as you expand your repertoire and your flavor…

As Valentine’s Day is upon us, now is the perfect time to be intentional about upgrading your relationship. Embrace a relationship enrichment lifestyle. Embrace creating your Best Relationship ever.

Happy Branding!

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Do you know how to have fun together?

by Emma Viglucci

Couples usually have a challenging time coming up with fun things to do as a couple. They have difficulties having fun in their relationship. And, they might struggle having fun with each other. Do you know how to have fun together?

This is not unusual as partners have a tendency to focus on what they don’t like, an unfortunate product of our brain’s built-in negativity bias. They worry about everything that is not to their liking, about what their partner is doing or not doing, and how they themselves might not be measuring up… This are the scripts running in their head…

Top this with all the noise the partner’s might be carrying around as a result of everyday life. Unless they have a Mindfulness Practice to clear this and set their tune right on an ongoing basis, they are walking around as a radio broadcasting on multiple stations at the same time!

So, because the partners are distracted by all the noise and their dirty lenses, they are not able to see the possibilities available at the moment… They are not able to give grace to the partner’s and their own imperfections, creating additional blocks. This means the partners are showing up in a less than resourced state and not in a very receptive mode.

The filters find fault with everything creating the additional noise and murkiness, so the partners are not able to see the opportunities for fun, enjoyment and joy. They totally miss out on what the moment has to offer.

Even worse, because the partners operate in this mode most of the time, they don’t even get to plan, set up, or find themselves in moments conducive for fun and enjoyment…

Having Fun Is A Responsibility

That’s right, we have a responsibility to have fun! Why, you may ask? Because when we have fun, we generate good chemistry in our brain and good energy in our bodies. Good chemistry is needed for feeling good, for creating resilience, for staying healthy, and for overall wellness. Good energy is needed for creating an abundant and best life.

Now that we’ve been restricted by the pandemic, having fun and doing fun things is even more challenging. Add another layer to the complexity of enjoyment in our relationship, why not? [sarcasm] And, yet because we are together more and our life is more monotonous, we need to embrace a Fun Protocol more than ever.

I get that we have to be in a good mood, receptive and such to have fun in the first place… This could be a total catch 22!

This is where your personal responsibility is so important. You have the obligation to get yourself in the receptive mode. It is not your partner’s job to entertain you, give you fun or enjoyment… Fun is also an inside job!

It is your job to get yourself in the state to show up properly to your interactions, show up with your best self, and show up with the ability to transcend minutia and noise… To give grace. To be open. To be giving.

How do you do that? The simple answer: Owning your day, being intentional, and having a rich selfcare practice that includes a mindfulness practice.

Types of Fun

After you make sure that you are showing up to your life with your best self, to the best of your ability, the next step is to be proactive about creating fun opportunities.

Note, that you can plan and organize all you want, but will have a hard time having fun, connecting and enjoying each other if you are not fully owning yourself going in…

Make sure you have a variety of ways of having fun. Fun doesn’t necessarily need to be your partner’s way or your way. And, don’t get hang up on finding things in common. I too often hear how partners believe they are not compatible because they have nothing in common. You can work with this, believe it or not.

So, if it is not their way, your way or a common way, then what? The answer is not to over think it, and to cocreate as you go… You’ll be surprised where you can find fun once you get out of your own way…

Here are some ways to think about fun for inspiration (some for after the pandemic…):

Play with Buckets Lists – Seasonal, Things To Achieve, Places to Visit, Things To Learn, Things to Try

Create Different Experiences – From how you go places, to how you eat, to where you vacation, to personal touches added to your home, to different ways to nurture your relationship and your partner.

Set Out on Adventures – Take turns trying out adventures you each want to try or participate in.

Create Memories – Live life as if you are recording your best movie. Live it to the fullest. Be present, give it your all, take it all in. Create ritual and traditions. Celebrate.

Togetherness Flow – Create your daily routine to allow yourselves to “see” each other. To connect. To flow into Being with each other.

Enrich with Separateness – Don’t get bogged down with details about how much fun they have without you and why do they need to do stuff on their own. It doesn’t matter because they bring good mojo back. They create mysteriousness and allure. And, there is an opportunity to miss each other. It’s better this way…

Fun can be had anywhere and in any way. You don’t have to have fancy vacations, extreme activities and such to enjoy each other and live a full life. They are nice for sure, but not necessary… You already have everything you need…

ASSIGNMENT: It can be challenging to have fun alone or with our partner when we are not feeling so hot.

Your HW:

- - Turn your mood around
  - Seduce your partner into fun
  - Show up with your best self
  - Be genuinely gracious and open
  - Enjoy

Here are prior blogs on the topic for additional inspiration:

Hey, you can have as much fun as you allow. The choice is yours…

Let’s commit to a more fun Love Season, Valentine’s Day and rest of the year. Yay!

Happy Enjoying!

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic

by Emma Viglucci

This time of year, and specially with everything that’s going on, we might be feeling raw, sensitive, antsy, edgy, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, unmotivated, lethargic, detached numb, and such. These feelings are more compounded when we are feeling disconnected, might be experiencing a bout of low intimacy, and have fewer opportunities for fun. This doesn’t help the low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic of the modern-day couple…

A challenging trifecta: Feeling disconnected from our partner is usually accompanied by low desire and intimacy.

We need connection to be physically intimate (usually women, female energy) and/or we need physical intimacy to be connected (usually men, male energy)… This creates a conundrum for couples.

This conundrum has a tendency to create an impasse for couples, for the partners might need the opposite of what the other needs to become intimate and feel connected… Made even more challenging by physical intimacy also depending on the partners’ desire (libido, sex drive) and their ability to be intimate…

You’d think it’d be easy to enjoy the benefit and gift of physical intimacy in our relationship!

There is so much that gets in the way of desire and intimacy for partners…

The 5 culprits of low intimacy (totally exacerbated with the ongoing pandemic!). In a nutshell:

Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
Boredom – there isn’t enough positive stimulation in your life and relationship

Your desire is at the mercy of your physiology and psychology:

Hormones which regulate energy, drive, motivation, mood and even your arousal
Self-esteem
Body image

Your desire and intimacy are at risk with any actual physical or medical conditions:

Cardiovascular disease
Diabetes
Prostate cancer
Breast cancer
Childbirth
Menopause/Andropause
To name a few

Stress has a huge impact on your wellbeing, lifestyle and coping choices which in turn also affect your libido. We all have our stresses, and our current world is just heaping it on. And no comment on the impact on lifestyle…

And of course, then we have the actual couple dynamics, and most likely your power struggle, at play to boot!

Not for nothing the modern-day couple (and specially during this pandemic times) has difficulties sustaining consistent and satisfying intimacy in their relationship.

There are a ton of entry points from where to address your current low desire and lack of intimacy. Addressing any (or combo as needed) of the items mentioned above will make a difference in your current state of affairs.

But I want to offer you the most direct path for more immediate relief… You see, your libido, sexuality and physical intimacy with your partner is what you make of it… At the end of the day, desire and intimacy is an inside job…

You have control over your own desire… When you focus on what your partner is doing, how they look, how they are showing up, what they contribute and such, you are extinguishing your desire… Desire is not about your partner. Desire is about you!

Desire as an inside job has to do with How You Choose To:

Create health and vitality
Look at your partner (get out of their circle!)
Interact and bring Swag
Be available and have energy
Ready yourself for sexy time
Relax and show up
Be grace-full, grateful, and generous

So, you see, desire and intimacy are not something that are happening out there and that depend on your partner. Desire and intimacy are something you create…

When you shift to looking at desire and intimacy as something you create, then you can create as much of it as you want!

ASSIGNMENT: Watch what scripts came up for you as you read this post, and as you percolate with this concept…

1. Mind how you:

- - - Victimize yourself
    - Get in your partner’s circle
    - Entertain your limiting believes
    - Sabotage intimacy
    - Have a hard time trusting and letting go
    - Are stingy giving, receiving, allowing
    - Are not fully Being…

2. Make a commitment to Be in your relationship…

3. Select the item that resonates the most as something that gets in the way of your intimacy and decide to address it full on!

- - - Create health and vitality
    - Look at your partner (get out of their circle!)
    - Interact and bring Swag
    - Be available and have energy
    - Ready yourself for sexy time
    - Relax and show up
    - Be grace-full, grateful, and generous

Taking charge of your desire and intimacy is super empowering and exhilarating! What better time to embrace this as we continue to be impacted by the pandemic, are starting a new year, and are right around the corner from Valentine’s Day…

Make a commitment to reset your relationship and your marriage. Why not create a new marriage, or new relationship?! Let’s do this!

Happy Desiring!

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

3 Tactics to increase connection in your relationship

by Emma Viglucci

I love new beginnings whether it’s a new year, a new season, a new chapter, or just a nice and simple refresh and reset… I believe these are amazing opportunities to take stock and plan anew to keep evolving and expanding ourselves and upleveling our life. This applies to all areas of our life, from personal to relationship to professional/business. A refresh and reset are great when feeling off and looking to increase connection in your relationship.

I usually like to connect working and improving on our life areas with creating new Habits to make it really easy to concretize, implement and sustain new behaviors… This is how we create change, through repeatable measurable behaviors.

I also usually like to advise that it’s not all about the doing, but the Being as well… It’s how and what we bring to our behaviors that create the results we desire. We can white-knuckle or willpower anything, really focus on our relationship, and work till we drop to still end up not creating the results we are after… With our Being we align, make the right choices, and connect…

We are still early in the year that you can take advantage of the possibilities inherent in this new beginning… You can still decide you will make this your best year yet and create a plan for making it happen.

When you make a decision and create a plan, you are more likely to achieve what you desire… This also means you can create the relationship you desire!

Creating the relationship you desire means bringing the Best You to your relationship… I have recently written extensively on this and guiding you on how to: become You 2.0, increase self-regulation and resilience, establish a rich self-care practice, take charge of your days, implement Intentional Habits™ and the like. Feel free to search for related topics on the Blog.

Creating the relationship you desire also means having to stretch to meet your partner…

For your relationship to be successful, you have to focus on you. You have to focus on what you need to change, improve, uplevel, and how to show up with the Best You. Now, now. This doesn’t mean you turn yourself into a pretzel to please your partner… And, that you change who you are to please your partner… It actually means exactly the opposite…

It means you become more authentically you, that you drop the defenses, the ego, the scripts, and such, to please your partner. AND, to create the relationship YOU want!

For your relationship to be successful, you also have to focus on your partner… What? We actually have to invest in our relationship? We actually have to enrich it? We actually have to nurture it? [Sarcasm…] Yes! If you don’t water a plant it dies, doesn’t it? What do you think happens to your relationship when you don’t tend to it?

Creating a Successful Relationship means implementing a Successful Couple Strategy™:

1. Embracing a Relationship Enrichment Mindset™ and a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ (join our complimentary private community!), fully owning your contribution to the status quo and setting effective boundaries.

2. Getting and staying on the same page by minding your communication style, skills and tools. Preventing arguments, fights and escalations. Learning how to apologize and repair. Following healthy decision-making protocols.

3. Avoiding creating repeating dissatisfying patterns. Improving self-regulation and resilience so you are not so easily triggered and can more easily receive love. Getting each other’s needs met.

4. Increasing your connection, intimacy and fun. Creating, protecting and sustaining your connection, establishing reciprocal loving, and generating closeness. Eliminating the blocks to desire, increasing attraction and implementing a Successful Date Night™ protocol. Becoming more compatible.

5. Becoming a stronger partnership. Creating a Shared Life Vision, dreams and projects. Embracing a collaborative approach and implementing systems for taking care of responsibilities. Developing inspiring rituals and traditions, your Couple Brand™, and leaving a legacy.

So, if you are struggling in your relationship, there is plenty you can do to turn things around!

Today let’s focus on creating more connection as feeling disconnected can be an unbearable feeling that undermines our overall wellbeing, which can already be threatened this time of year…

I – Create, protect and sustain your connection – The easiest way to increase connection is to implement Connection Habits™. This ensures whatever intention you have to nurture your relationship and love on your partner, that you actually follow through consistently… I’m sure you are aware that our partner tends to fall to the bottom of our priority list, if they even get on it at all…

Create space in your routine for connection time and don’t let yourself be distracted from Being with your partner. Protect this space, time and focus but actually scheduling time, setting reminders, blocking distractions and such.

Make note that you might have the best of intentions, might have set up the best Habits, and mean well, but when it comes time to connect it fizzles… Why? Take a look at the energy you bring to the interactions… Make sure you show up without expectations, not in your partner’s circle, and with your Best Self…

II – Establish reciprocal loving – It is a given that we usually give love the way we like to receive love… This is the surest way to disappoint our partner! For they don’t necessarily like to receive love the way we do, they almost most certainly like to receive love differently than we do… If you’ve been beating your head against the wall thinking you do all this for your partner and they don’t even see it, this is why. And, this is also why you might not get how come they think they are doing all this for you when you don’t see anything…

The key is to identify your preferred love languages and for each of you to give love to your partner in the way you each like to receive love… Their love language might be foreign to you, but this is what is required… And, in stretching to give love in their love language you are expanding your repertoire and expanding yourself… A win-win after all!

Check out the Love Nudge app to help you, it’s from the creator of the 5 Love Languages concept. Let me know what you think.

III – Generate closeness – You might be setting up Date Nights and Couple Time to yet find that the time is filled with awkwardness, anxiety, disconnect, and even fighting. The purpose was to feel more connected and close, and by the end of it you feel worse. One of you might even be shutdown, creating additional distance…

The key here is to go deeper than superficial conversation or talking about the children or problems. And this is not the time to “talk about the relationship”!

To generate closeness the key is to share of your internal world… And, to equally induce your partner’s sharing of their internal world. Note, I used the word induce… We don’t want to force this- demand that they share. The sharing happens more naturally when there is safety… Your job is to show up inquisitive, inviting, open, accepting, trusting, and the like. Leave your criticism and judgement out the door.

Share openly, but wisely… Inquire curiously, but mindfully…

Connection can’t be forced. It happens when there is trust and safety. Make sure you are inviting and creating that for yourself and that you are creating that for your partner. When you do this, you’ll see the shift… And, they’ll reciprocate…

ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to nurture your relationship and love on your partner. Set the intention to increase your connection…

- Choose one approach to start with to increase your connection:
  - Implementing Connection Habits™
  - Embracing your Love Languages
  - Sharing your Internal World
- Focus on your approach with gusto, share it with your partner, make time for it, get resources, go all out.
- Do keep in mind that with gusto doesn’t mean obnoxious. Go at it with ease, presence, and mindfulness. This is not about controlling and doing a ton of stuff. This is about Being with your partner…

It’s not easy to shift our attention to nurture, to give love, to be loving. Whatever approach you chose, even the intention as a whole, might be a stretch for you and/or your partner… Be easy, gentle and compassionate about it. This is a good focus. Enjoy it.

Happy Connecting!

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com