Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

It is not uncommon for couples to have the same recurring issues and arguments… If partners are not intentional and proactive about addressing the underlying reasons for these, they will continue to have them… Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple… Banging around unconscious as to who you really are, what really is driving you, what you really want and how this impacts interactions with your partner, is a sure way to create a dissatisfying relationship and mediocre life. Ouch!

Is this how you want to live your life?

Unless we’ve done personal development work, we all walk around with most of ourselves unknown to ourselves. Isn’t that something?

We have unconscious and subconscious mechanisms at work that inform most of who we are and influence most of what we do… A minuscule of our experience actually happens in our conscious mind

The subconscious mechanism has to do with how our mind works… We can identify our unsupportive scripts, negative narratives, biases, fears, and limiting believes and address them. We can focus on reducing our Negativity Bias.

The unconscious mechanism has to do with how our embodied-brain works… We can identify/infer our wounds, emotional programming, and physiological responses and address them.

How we were raised and what we experienced growing up influenced our embodied-brain development, our sense of self and our impression and experience of the world…

Left unexplored, we are only aware of and know a small percentage of ourselves and how we experience the world…

The world, our reality, is not a static knowable objective truth to boot… If we are ignorant about our Reality, and take everything we think and experience at face value, we are in for a rude awakening…

Our thoughts are not who we are and what the word is… We can’t believe everything we think!

This is where partners get into trouble. Partners sensitivities might get poked by the mere being of the other person and their imperfections.

  • They make assumptions and assign motives as to what they are perceiving.
  • Their interpretations are influenced by their limited and unexplored knowledge of themselves.
  • They rely on their senses and their logic to interpret an interaction and experience their partner and their relationship.
  • And, their senses and logic as limited as they are, they are usually additionally compromised for whatever reason.

When understanding interactions and relationships from this concept, it is really a marvel that people are able to have any sort of good relationships… The whole thing is a constant moving target!

Luckily our brain doesn’t like open loops, questions, and the unknown. I say luckily because then it looks for patterns and responds accordingly, this is useful. Otherwise, it is not great that the brain fills in the blanks with whatever it needs to reassure itself or prove itself right… This continues the virtual reality and veil we live with…

But, working with patterns allows us to plant the flag somewhere, address the experience we are having, and give us the ability to do something about it…

 

Working with the Unconscious Mind

 

I usually tackle this topic from the unconscious perspective, as this is where a lot of our programming happened growing up. This is when we literally wired our embodied-brain that’s now used to sense and perceive the world around us… (Element3 of The Strategy, of course addressing our conscious mindset and subconscious, is super important and a priority as well – Element1 of The Strategy)

In interactions with our caregivers we formulated our neuropathways and developed and integrated the structures of our brain. When our interactions were less-than-perfect (because no caregiver person is perfect), we wired ourselves according to the experience that now informs our sensitivities…

We have a filter that is on the lookout for preventing the same pain… The brain is amazing at this. Put the brain on something and it’ll find it, it’ll look for an answer to whatever question, and work on closing any open loops.

Therefore, if we have a theme of a certain kind of parenting growing up that scarred us in some way, the brain will latch on to that pattern…

It is imperative that we are aware of how our brain works so it doesn’t trip us up!

 

Changing the Patterns

It is our job to discover what is the pattern we keep playing out. What is our brain looking for? What keeps triggering us? How do we respond in the face of this experience that perpetuates the cycle? And in turn, how does this interact with our partner’s sensitivities? How are we co-creating our reality…?

Once we identify what is triggering us ongoingly, we can translate that pain, feeling, wound, into a need. What is the message of the feeling we are feeling? What do we need to give to ourselves to meet the need? What mindful and respectful requests can we make of our partner to help us meet our needs?

And of course, we reciprocate. When they get triggered, we try to understand what might be happening for them. We check if we are understanding them (we don’t run with assumptions!). We ask what we can offer to help them meet their needs. We can have conversations about patterns, needs, and meeting them… It just requires intentionally.

Note, I set this up from the perspective of one partner. These interactions are much easier if our partner has similar awareness and motivation to work on themselves and the relationship. But note that they don’t have to, partners get stuck on this. When we focus on what we do and how we show up, we can create change… We are not at their mercy!

 

APPLICATION: Take inventory of the theme of your recurring issues, arguments and fights…

  • What keeps coming up for you?
  • What keeps getting triggered?
  • What are the feelings/emotions?
  • What are your feelings telling you?
  • What are the driving needs behind the feelings?
  • How can you go about self-agenting to meet your needs while remaining mindful of your partner and their need and respectful in your approach?

 

We have to take responsibility of our own experience and how we co-create our reality… This self-agency allows us to create the relationship and life we desire…

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Overwhelmed, how is your support and collaboration? (PT5)

Overwhelmed, how is your support and collaboration? (PT5)

It is not easy to live a successful and meaningful life. It takes intentionality, focus and dedication to stay the course. Our life Journey has ups and downs, and at times it can feel like an obstacle course. With the many demands of today’s modern life and specially recently as we’ve weathered a global pandemic, things can be challenging. It can be overwhelming to manage all the demands and responsibilities. This is why it’s so important to uplevel your support and collaboration.

Imagine having world-class support and collaboration protocol to help create your Best Life. Then the Universe becomes the limit…

It is no fun going it alone. And most importantly when we don’t have the proper support, we hold ourselves back from creating the life (and relationship!) we desire… For you see, when we try to do everything by ourselves in a vacuum, it shows in our results…

When we go it alone:

  • We are limited by how much we can do, by our knowledge base and by our skill set
  • We are focused on doing and forget Being
  • We elude our creativity and our knowing
  • We are flooded by the minutiae of life and miss the forest for the tree
  • We miss savoring life experiences, the simple pleasures and amazing people 
  • We cheat ourselves of connection and intimacy
  • We hold ourselves back from the potential that leveraging and connectivity can afford us…

These limitations have a massive impact:

  • We hold ourselves back from our true potential and from living our full Human Experience
  • We settle for less and can’t even imagine having something special to contribute
  • We erode our connection and bond and jeopardize the essence of our relationship
  • We subscribe to subpar parenting tactics
  • We neglect, abandon and even abuse ourselves

We end up:

  • Settling for a job we hate and merely getting a paycheck to live from month to month
  • Creating a mediocre relationship, tolerating our partner, missing out on our epic love
  • Missing out on the synergy inherent in our partnership
  • Misparenting our children to the point that they become ill, symptomatic, misbehaved, maladjusted
  • Damaging our body, mind, and spirit

For those that are still carrying the badge of honor for: Sacrificing themselves, exploiting their every ounce of living, and running themselves into the ground – I implore you to reconsider your approach!

It behooves partners to crack the code on how to better support each other and implement a Collaboration Protocol into their lifestyle to create the life of their dreams. They can easily accomplish this through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

What does support and collaboration look like in a relationship? Every relationship has their own flavor of this, but the essence is to have a divide and conquer approach. Where one partner picks up where the other leaves off. And, where both partners are in the loop and current on everything that’s going on in their joint lives. But, most importantly where the partners are working together to achieve a common goal.

The partners designing and working together towards a Joint Life Vision is the key towards creating your Best Life and having your fullest Human Experience…

Check out this super inspiring video: Taking Visioning to the next level!

 

Create a Strong Partnership

 

Ok, so how do we create a fabulous life and epic love relationship when we are already stretched thin and overwhelmed? You set yourself up for having better support and collaboration, you create a Strong Partnership.

 

Setting Up for Success

Success and creating awesomeness doesn’t happen by accident. We have to be intentional and proactive about it.

FIRST – Clear: Decommit, eliminate distractions, outsource, declutter, streamline, simplify, automate

SECOND – Envision: Design your Joint Life Vision that flows from your values and has clear goals

THIRD – Structure: Create your Ideal Day (daily routine) that you’ll follow as a template

FOURTH – Systematize: Set up systems for sharing responsibilities, completing tasks, building Habits

FIFTH – Flow: Include buffers and transitions into your routines

This formula helps reduce the overwhelm and set yourself up for a productive, meaningful and joyful life. It:

    1. Creates space to operate differently
    2. Identifies your North Star to guide your aspirations
    3. Provides a structure to contain your endeavors
    4. Promotes an effortless approach to managing your days and the business of life
    5. Supports operating with ease and joy

What’s important to note here is that our ability to implement this depends heavily on: Our mindset, communication skills, how we meet needs, and bond with our partner. Partners who jump into problem solving and changing up their lives have a hard go of it if the other relationship Elements are not robust

FEELING STUCK, HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP MINDSET? (PT1)

BICKERING AND FIGHTING, HOW ARE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS? (PT2)

REPEATING ARGUMENTS, HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS? (PT3)

MISSING LOVE, HOW IS YOUR CONNECTION AND INTIMACY? (PT4)

If it was easy to create a fabulous life and epic love relationship, then everybody would have these things. Our job is to invest in ourselves and our relationship so that we are in good shape to create our Best Life. And so that we have an amazing Human Experience.

 

ASSIGNMENT: Identify where the weak link is in your life and relationship right now. It can be within one of the Elements, or in one of the steps in the Success Formula.

Decide how you will go about addressing your weak link… Take an immediate action to get the ball rolling in creating your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life… 

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?

Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered

Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.

When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…

Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.

This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…

In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…

It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…

Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL

Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…

This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…

 

Changing the Dynamics

 

It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.

 

The Reactivity

The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…

Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?

The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…

You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…

What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?

These feelings are your Wounds…

The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate

The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone

Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…

Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.

Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.

 

Your Reciprocity Loop

Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…

  • You want closeness, they want space.
  • You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
  • You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
  • You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
  • And, so on…

Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…

The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…

Let’s say:

  • Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
  • This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
  • They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before  they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
  • Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
  • They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
  • This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
  • Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
  • And it can really escalate…

Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!

 

The Transformation

Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.

So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…

And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…

Note, the Wounds that are triggered are actually rooted in childhood experiences. See if you can connect them back…

Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.

Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.

For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…

The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.

And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!

 

ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!

  • Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
  • Identify your Loop
  • Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
  • Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

It is uncommon to speak in terms of Mothering and Fathering in the context of our relationship… Unless of course we are talking about raising our children. But I’ve been presenting this concept as a way to continue to heal and grow ourselves. As a personal development tool, and more recently as a relationship enrichment tool… Today I’m expanding the Fathering repertoire by sharing the importance of personal and partner’s character strengths.

Remember, we all have female and male energy and can embrace characteristics and embody attributes from both. When I’m presenting on Mothering and Fathering, and Female and Male Energy, I’m not talking about gender or sexuality… I’m referring to our inherent energies… Our job is to balance how we embrace, activate and utilize them…

Mothering flows from female energy and Fathering flows from male energy, and they can both be done by women and men… There is no judgement as to which is better or preferred, and this is not a form of sexism, genderism, or such. This just is. Anything else is a social construct we’ve unknowingly accepted…

But please note, I’m not denying the oppression of female energy and women over millennia… If nothing else, I’m actually highlighting the importance of undoing this oppression. I’m doing it through what I know best, which is personal development and relationship enrichment…

      • Mothering has to do with nurturing and caring.
      • Fathering has to do with structuring and disciplining.

When we embrace providing these characteristics to ourselves, we reparent ourselves… I refer you to the book Healing Your Emotional Self, for top notch work on reparenting ourselves…

Reparenting ourselves means giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get growing up. How we were hurt and not met growing up created wounds, limiting believes and other goodies that have permeated how we organized ourselves and cope with life. Including how we show up in relationship, get triggered and create our stuck dynamics… Reparenting ourselves is a way of healing and releasing ourselves from that stronghold…

Then, bring this to the context of our relationship and we have an exponential impact… Now, I’m not talking about being a mother or a father to your partner and vice versa. That’s the worst thing we can do… I’m talking about being Mothering and Fathering. I’m talking about your interactions and how you approach your partner and the relationship using more:

      • Nurturing, compassion, softness, flexibility, and such (Mothering) for engendering feelings of belonging, worthiness, and acceptance.
      • RoleModeling/guiding, routines, structure, systems and such (Fathering) for engendering feelings of safety, security, and stability.

You see how these can be salve to core wounds?

The key here is to sprinkle the Mothering characteristics into your interactions with yourself and your partner. And the Fathering characteristics to how you do your relationship and your life.

This means be nice to yourself (self-care) and your partner (other-care) and embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™Voila!

 

Work Your Character Strengths

So, where do Character Strengths come in? Working on developing our Character Strengths is a Fathering tactic as it involves learning, honing, applying. Mothering is feminine with being, expanding, flowing… The active and directed part of this endeavor is masculine and therefore Fathering…

Working on developing our Character Strengths helps us become more of who we are, more integrated and robust. It helps us have a richer human experience, and it helps us bring a better self to our relationship and our partner…

Having strong Character Strengths helps partners avoid the many pitfalls they would otherwise encounter in their relationship…

Our personal and our partner’s character strengths influence the character of our relationship with things like a love, kindness, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, perspective, self-regulation, teamwork, etc.

The VIA Institute of Character created a Character Strengths Survey to measure the good qualities in people and to counterbalance the Disorder Statistical Manual (DSM) used to diagnose mental disorders…

They identified 24 Character Strengths that were classified into 6 categories:

      • Wisdom – Creativity, curiosity, judgment, love of learning, perspective
      • Courage – Bravery, honesty, perseverance, zest
      • Humanity – Kindness, love, social intelligence
      • Justice – Fairness, leadership, teamwork
      • Temperance – Forgiveness, humility, prudence, self-regulation
      • Transcendence – Appreciation of beaty & excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

Doesn’t it make sense that to develop this further in ourselves would only but enrich our relationship?

As we continue to expand our Fathering repertoire, we are polishing the use of our male energy for more security, stability, productivity, efficiency, and results in our life. Let’s continue to create our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life!

ASSIGNMENT: Intentionally integrate your Character Strengths into your life and your relationship…

      • Take the survey to identify your current strengths and where you can stand to invest in some more development.
      • The easiest way to work on developing a characteristic is by creating a Habit to help you practice it… Choose 3 Character Strengths you are looking to develop and create Habits for them into your daily routine: Doing a behavior or activity that would help you practice the strength. And, keep working this method until you feel you’ve made progress developing the Character Strengths you desire.

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Spring into a new level in your relationship and life
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
How you perpetuate your stuckness
Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs? 
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane? 
Implement pleasure and delight habits (video)
Caring is not just for mothers
Need fathering in your life?

How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
The key is collaboration

The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video)
Intentional habits to glide into the new year with ease

The power of having Intentional Habits™

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Create safety, security and trust in your relationship

Create safety, security and trust in your relationship

A lot of people have difficulties having trust in their relationship, and in general… Mistrust in our relationship is not just about wondering, or obsessing about, if our partner is cheating. But not trusting our partner usually has the flavor of not trusting we can count on them. That they have our back. That they’ll pick up where we leave off. Whether or not they’ll follow through on what they say. If they’ll use their best judgement. And so on. It is imperative that we create safety, security and trust in our relationship for it to be successful…

A quick note about wondering if your partner is cheating. Listen to your gut, it knows… Listening to your gut is a very subtle sense of knowing. It’s not blaring. Anything blaring is fear, and fear has to do with us, and not what our partner is doing or not doing. Keep your jealousy in check. This is also about you, and your insecurities. There are exceptions of course, you have to keep your context in mind.

If there is a history of indiscretions, you are probably on hyperalert and picking up stuff, and something most likely is going on. Don’t shoot the messenger. Deeper healing needs to happen to change this pattern. But this is for another time. If this resonates for you, sending you love (you might want to get support with this).

Going back to regular mistrust, to mistrust on the everyday and the mundane. Note, I qualify this again because when it comes down to it most of us can usually trust that our partner will be there when it matters and for the important stuff. Though there are exceptions here as well of course.

Sometimes our partner can’t be there for us with the big and important stuff either if it goes against themselves in some way or triggers them in some way. This depends on your relationship dynamics and the emotional development of the partner/s.

One more qualifier… During times of tragedy, partner’s get thrown into a tizzy and go into survival mode for themselves, possibly not being able to be there for each other.

Nobody ever said relationships are easy! These are the meatier ways in that mistrust and betrayal happen. They are blows to the relationship and require more specific attention.

But for today’s topic, I’m focusing on mistrust as a pervasive feeling in your relationship (and outside of your relationship…). Mistrust in the everyday and the mundane. Why this focus? Because this is where the healing and transformation happens…

How you do your relationship and your life on a daily basis and in the little things, has a profound impact on what kind of relationship and life you create at the end of the day…

 

Safety, Security and Trust

We don’t automatically create safety, security and trust in our relationship. This has to be an intentional tactic in our approach to our relationship and our partner. And, we have to be intentional about how we do our everyday life to provide this to ourselves as well. This intentionality helps us heal any unfinished business and reprogram old belief systems still lingering that are informing how we perceive interactions and the people in our life…

Safety, security and trust have to do with Fathering… How we were Fathered growing up had an impact in our ability to feel safe and secure and be able to trust.

Did we have consistent caretaking and routines? Were boundaries respected? Was discipline authoritative (not authoritarian/controlling or lax/lacking)? Were we honored for who we are?

Or did we experience rigidity and/or chaos? Inconsistent attention, routines and rules? Ridicule and dismissal? Or even maybe verbal and other violence?

Do you start to see that how things played out growing up informed our ability to feel safe and secure, and therefore our ability to trust?

And, what if we haven’t done any healing or personal development, we are still walking around with the same perception of others and the world. That the world and people are dangerous or untrustworthy… We walk around with the belief that we can’t count on others or trust them, that others are out to get us, that bad things will happen, and such.

Hey, I’m not saying people and the world are perfect and that these things don’t ever happen all the same.

I’m referring to situations when we just see the worst possible scenario, when we make negative assumptions and when we assign malicious motives that are totally unfounded. When we can’t give the benefit of the doubt. Or worse, when good things are coming our way, but we can’t receive them for the same reasons!

If all this is resonating for you, you need some Fathering. No, you don’t need your Daddy or a Sugar Daddy. LOL And, Fathering is not just from fathers and men. Women do Fathering, just as men do Mothering… This has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with energy and characteristics that all humans have though might need to embrace more… You need more Fathering from yourself and in your relationship…

So, what does this look like? This looks like cleaning up our mindset and minding our negativity bias, setting effective boundaries, fully owning and being accountable for ourselves, having safe verbal and body language, improving communication skills and upleveling communication tools, implementing Intentional Habits™ and embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

Thus, we show up properly and safely. We are accountable, consistent, and reliable. And therefore, we are trustworthy… We are trustworthy for ourselves and for our partner…

Kudos when you tackle this, for you’d be Fathering, re-parenting and re-programming, yourself… Intentionally showing up and setting up your life and your relationship allows you to create your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life.

ASSIGNMENT: We’ve been living in a male dominated world, yet we haven’t cracked how to properly utilize our male characteristics, strengths and energy…

1) Take stock of how you show up in the world and what characteristics and strengths you use the most.

MALE – Analytical, strategic, systematic, planner, organizer, scheduler, logical, manager, strength, power, and such

FEMALE – Compassionate, caring, nurturing, flexible, flowy, spontaneous, creative, intuitive, emotional, soft, and such

2) How well are these working for you? Does it seem that you can improve in both areas? The key is own ourselves fully, integrate both aspects more, and be more intentional. Add intentionality to how you approach your day and your relationship using the inherent male characteristics and their related tools.

Create the container, the structure, with your male energy, e.i., your daily routine… This will create the safety, stability, and security we all so desperately seek…

3) BONUS – add Female characteristics within the structure for the integration and balance factor

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Spring into a new level in your relationship and life
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
How you perpetuate your stuckness
Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs?
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane?
Implement pleasure and delight habits (video)
Caring is not just for mothers
Need fathering in your life?

How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
The key is collaboration

The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video)
Intentional habits to glide into the new year with ease

The power of having Intentional Habits™

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Mothering Vs Fathering

Mothering Vs Fathering

Mothering Vs Fathering… This is not a competition! First off, wishing all the Moms a very Happy Mother’s Day. And here is an invitation for all of us to embrace more Mothering in our own lives, of ourselves and our loved us. We can all stand to be more compassionate, nurturing and loving… Second, the key is finding a balance for these two characteristics within ourselves for a more integrated Human Experience…

We are still living in a very male dominated world with a lot of masculine energy. We’ve repressed women and feminine energy for a very long time. All gender equality discussion aside, this is happening even within ourselves… We have repressed our own feminine energy… We shame and hide the softer and more vulnerable side of ourselves.

I’ve taken the opportunity in our last webinar to celebrate Mothering not just for Mother’s Day but as an invitation to join the shift. There a shift happening in the world for a more feminine, compassionate, heart-centered and more collaborative approach to life

Beware, if you are male energy dominant and are tipping your toes into embracing your more feminine energy, this might feel weird… LOL

For me, it felt like something was wrong. I felt lazy (Zen…), mellow, unmotivated, without a care in the world, floaty and other soft feelings… Now, if you know me or have experienced me, you know I can be intense and very energetic. So, these felt so foreign and out of character to the point where it didn’t feel right at first…

But then marvelous things started to happen, the experience drove home the point that more doing isn’t better… That more work doesn’t necessarily create more results, that being more intensity doesn’t necessarily influence others more, and that over functioning doesn’t necessarily mean getting needs met better… That way of being had actually created less of the desired outcome!

At the same time, we can’t go all feminine either – we’d never get anything done!

The answer is to work better not harder, to properly use our masculine energy as we explore and welcome our feminine energy more…

Hence, today’s topic on Fathering ourselves and our relationship…

 

Why Fathering?

Fathering has to do with protection, security, discipline, motivation, doing, structure, systems, and the like. So, when we are in our doing mode, which is most of the time, we are operating with mostly our male energy… For those of us that are super ambitious, motivated and like to get things done, we thrive in this energy.

The problem is that we are living unbalanced and out of whack, in this eventually catches up with us…. When we repress our female energy, we are shutting down our being mode, our creativity, inspiration, intuition, emotions, compassion, nurturing, and the like. We become super intense and almost robotic… The richer side of life gets lost on us!

And, yet with all the doing people are doing, they are still not very productive and haven’t been able to create the life they desire…

Why is this? Because they are not properly using their male energy. They are living through the energy without properly supporting themselves. They are not using skills and tools to manage themselves better to get more from their efforts.

A key concept to utilize to get all the benefits of fathering is operating our life with systems… What does this mean? System or protocol or procedure or process or approach – or way of doing things on a recurring basis… This is how we get the most bang from our investments. Whatever we do, we need a little process for it – this is how we do this thing…

What that does is take the guess work, required will power, inconsistency, ambivalence, lack of focus and such right of our experience helping us stay motivated, focused, consistent, productive, efficient and the like without killing ourselves.

What’s more when we operate this way, we are Fathering ourselves in that we are providing ourselves stability, consistency, dependability, reliability, solidity, strength and such… Which as you can imagine that generates feelings of trustworthiness, safety, and security… Much needed as part of our personal development and healing…

And what’s even more, when we create amazing daily routines that include Pleasure and Delight Habits and other Intentional Habits and we implement collaboration systems with our partner, we are able to easily and effortlessly embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle and create a lovely home life and family…

So, we are looking to do our Male Energy better and to embrace our Female Energy more…

Eventually, we’d notice we are Being while we are doing! As our systems, structures, routines and such create the container for us to play in…

When we are in a rat race and spinning our wheels doing, it’s very challenging for the feminine energy to make its appearance… When the male energy is focused and given purpose it’s soothed allowing space for the female energy to come out to play… Ah…

And that’s how we become more integrated and more who we are, more our Authentic Self enabling us to create our radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life. Voila!

ASSIGNMENT: What say you? Ready to add more systems into your life for more productivity, efficiency and focus? Ready to create your container to give you freedom for more Being…? Let’s do this!

1) Take stock of how your days usually go… How defined are your routines, your habits and how you approach your responsibilities? How do you manage your time? How do you take care of what’s important to you? Do your daily activities and tactics flow from your goals and life vision?

2) Start with a strategy that flows from your vision and goals, and informs your ideal day, daily routines, and habits to support your goals and trend towards your vision…

3) Become very mindful of what energy you are operating with by putting the masculine to good use working your strategy and creating space for your feminine to come out to play more. Enjoy!

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Spring into a new level in your relationship and life  
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
How you perpetuate your stuckness
Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs?
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane? 
Implement pleasure and delight habits (video)
Caring is not just for mothers 
Need fathering in your life?  

How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
The key is collaboration 

The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video) 
Intentional habits to glide into the new year with ease 

The power of having Intentional Habits™
 

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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