Embracing Self-Care and Resilience (VIDEO)

Embracing Self-Care and Resilience (VIDEO)

This is about the toughest week of the year… This is when we have Blue Monday, supposedly the saddest day of the year. Bills come in from the holidays, attempts at new habits start falling to the wayside, hibernation is knocking on our door, and things just feel heavy. It’s rough to get going on creating our Best Year Yet… What’s needed is an influx of energy to set us on the right path. The best way to do that is by Embracing Self-Care and Resilience…

Self-Care is one of the 4 Aspects of Self-Love we are working on to help us start the New Year right…

Self-Honoring and Being
Self-Management and Flow
Self-Care and Resilience
Self-Connection and Radiance

Self-Care is about taking good care of ourselves- with having a wholistic self-care practice that generates vitality, health and wellbeing.

There are a lot of definitions and information out there about how to do a Self-Care Practice. My Self-Care Practice is on steroids and became the Self-Love Practice we’ve been working on… LOL

I like to look at Self-Care as solely the activities that nourish and take care of our body and wellbeing: Sleep, exercise, nutrition/supplementation/hydration, grooming/hygiene and relaxation/mindfulness.

When we give these activities the proper attention, we are taking care of our “meat suit”, our human vehicle, so that it allows us to have a beautiful, full and long human experience…

When we take proper care of ourselves, we slowdown the aging process, we increase our health, vitality, longevity and ability to truly enjoy our life. Who wants to get to an advanced age and be decrepit? Or, worse be decrepit now or have a short-lived life?

Having a rich Self-Care Practice allows us to have boundless energy and larger bandwidth, be healthy and fit, look and feel amazing, have more focus and stamina, and the ability for higher performance in all areas of our life.

A rich Self-Care Practice gives us the ability to feel happy and joyous more consistently, to better self-regulate and to be less triggerable… It helps with our wellbeing and resilience…

 

Watch the video for Tactics to uplevel the 5 Pillars of your Self-Care Practice… Enjoy!

 

MONTHLY THEME GUIDE: Identifying Core Values

APPLICATION: Some see self-care as a mysterious concept and have the mindset that only privileged or lazy people can afford it. They might consider it a luxury or a waste of time to do things to take care of themselves…  Or, they truly believe they don’t have the resources for it… If this is you, I challenge you to consider that you can’t afford not to invest in taking care of yourself…

You don’t have to invest a tremendous amount of resources doing self-care tactics, you just need to make targeted investments to get the results you want.

 

STEP 1 – Decide what is it you want in terms of your fitness, health, and wellness. How are you doing in these areas and how would you like them to be, how would you like to feel?

Take stock of your energy level, mood, health, fitness, and appearance. What can use some upleveling?

 

STEP 2 – Review the Pillars below and choose one to focus on that will address the area you want to target and that will give you the most immediate results.

Depending on your current state and lifestyle, you might need to start with the basics, or you might want more advanced and nuanced strategies.

I provide a range of ideas here to get you going, feel free to do additional research to take charge of the Pillar you identify as your current focus.

 

Pillar 1 – Sleep: Research shows that most people are sleep deprived. When sleep is the thing that detoxes and cleans, repairs and heals, and recharges us. We tend to short-change ourselves when it comes to sleep.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about the amount of sleep but the quality of sleep you get that allows you to go through all the sleep cycles several times a night to get the most benefit from your sleep.

The key is to have good Sleep Hygiene:

 💤 Reverse engineer what time you want to get up in the morning, and back up to what time you’d need to go to bed to get up at that time while giving you an average of 7 hours of sleep.

💤  Start shifting gears for sleep two hours before your bedtime – no food, drinks, blue light

💤  Start your night routine at least 30 min before you want to be asleep – account for all the things you want to do before you fall asleep…

Like: Prepping for the next day, doing your skin care routine, activating your soothing bedroom environment, gratitude journaling, connecting with your partner, reading

💤 Commit to lights out and shutting down by your sleep time

💤  Set your alarm to wake you up at the time your chose and turn off snooze, get up when your alarm goes off

 

Pillar 2 – Exercise: You might be doing everything right, but if you are not exercising you won’t achieve your fitness, health and wellness goals… Which are needed to support the rest of the goals in our life and to truly live a well-lived life…

There are tons of myths about exercise, and exercising as we used to understand exercising is more harmful than good. For example, spending hours doing cardio to lose weight has proven to be an ineffective tactic (you lose muscle mass which slows down your metabolism)…

What seems to be better supported is a combination of:

🏃‍♀️ High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)
🏋️‍♀️ Resistance Training
🧘‍♀️ Flexibility Training

You can create a basic workout routine that incorporates all 3 per workout session or on rotation that makes sense for your life and that is enjoyable for you.

And you can choose what types of activities to do for each. You can put in as much or a little into this as you wish as long as you cover your basics. 

*Consult your doctor if you have any medical conditions.

 

Pillar 3 – Nutrition, Supplementation and Hydration: The key here is to understand your goal and to feed yourself accordingly in a nutritious and healthy manner… There are so many ways of eating and so many different diet protocols and they all contradict each other- your head can explode trying to figure out how to eat…

My suggestion is that if you are just now beginning to take charge of your consumption that you start small and with the basics:

🤩Reduce your caloric intake- consume calories in relation to how you spend calories, reduce to a reasonable intake that still provides you with enough energy and nutrition (for women an average of 1500 cal/day does the trick but do your own research to match your situation)

🥙Eat cleaner- just stop eating all the processed foods and junk, and greatly reduce your alcohol consumption!

🥗Step it up to even cleaner eating- reduce any inflammatory foods you recognize your body doesn’t like (bloat, pimples, constipation, foggy brain, etc.)- like gluten, dairy, soy, eggs, peanuts/other nuts, corn, cruciferous vegetables, beans, nightshade vegetables, sweeteners, onion/garlic, caffeine (increases cortisol levels!).

📞Consult a nutritionist or functional doctor– get specific guidance if you are lost, confused or need additional support for creating a plan that works for you and your body… And for proper supplementation.

💧Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate- Shoot for 32 to 64 onz (1 to 2 liters) of water per day and you can step it up as you desire… I’ve been using this bottle to give me a visual of how I’m doing…

*Consult your doctor if you have any medical conditions.

 

Pillar 4 – Grooming and Hygiene: This is totally a personal choice of course. But I have it here as part of taking care of our body. A groomed body looks better, is more youthful and lasts longer…

👁Taking care of our skin, hair, teeth, eyes (hydrating with eyedrops helps maintain good vision!), etc. goes a long way.

💄Minding our products is super important as we try to become radiant from the inside out and minimize the toxins we put in our bodies…

🧹Adding a detoxing routine is a great practice – like body rolling, face rolling and skin brushing.

 

Pillar 5 – Relaxation and Mindfulness: Can you believe that we forget to breathe? LOL

We might shallow-breath to get air in for survival, but in general we don’t breathe well. We don’t get enough clean air circulating through our body.

Additionally, we don’t stop to smell the roses. We are always on go mode or mindlessly taking a break or so called relaxing.

We don’t properly restore, recharge and rejuvenate.

Our daily routine needs to include practices for being present and grounded, intentional breaks, and restorative activities like:

• Meditation
• Visualization
• Breath Work
• Taking a break from our computer and other devices
• Stretching
• Connection calls
• Pursuing an interest or hobby

Regardless of where you are with your Self-Care Practice, it’s always nice to shake things up, spruce them up and uplevel them. Focus on the Pillar that makes the most sense for you to address first, then tackle the rest as you make progress.

Don’t take all this on at once. It can be very overwhelming to make so many changes at once, and you won’t be able to fully integrate them into your life if you start slipping up (which you will if you do too much at once).

Once you selected your Pillar, do the research, set up the routines, set up the supportive environments, put all the things in place to help you work your Pillar.

 

Have fun with this. This is a lifelong pursuit. Enjoy the process!

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

 

 

Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

The Delightful Part (3of3) (VIDEO)

The Delightful Part (3of3) (VIDEO)

We made it! This is the funnest Part of the funnest Step of our End of Year and New Year Planning! LOL (Yes, we already know I make up my own words) This is the reward for all the awesome planning and later implementing and doing. This is where we celebrate and honor more deeply the Being part of ourselves for trekking in this Journey… This is where we add all the actual fun, sensing, experiencing, enjoying and other loveliness. This is The Delightful Part (3of3).

I had always added this sparkle sprinkling as a bonus to prior processes and as an ongoing practice. But recently decided that this deserves its own Step as this is where the-in-the-moment and awesomeness is in life, so why not prop it up more? Right?

To that end, boy was it fun compiling the strategies worthy of this Step. AND the addition of this step made it necessary to pull the coordination and integration from Step3 into its own step, Step5-Coordinating. Woot!

I’m super proud of how pretty the process turned out. It’s a much improved and upleveled version of our usual process. Yay! 

Before we jump into it, let’s recap the whole process again for easy reference, End-Of-Year & New-Year Planning Process (ENP-Process):

🌟 Step1-Clearing
🌟 Step2-Celebrating
🌟 Step3-Contemplating
🌟 Step4-Candescenting
          The Inspirational Part
          The Masterful Part
          The Delightful Part (today’s Part)
🌟 Step5-Coordinating (today’s Bonus)

🌟 Step6-Communing (today’s Super Bonus)

 

The Inspirational Part covered how to get in touch with your Essence and bring it forth more…

The Masterful Part covered how to capture and integrate better habits and activities for more Flow and enjoyment in your life…

Today’s part, The Delightful Part, covers how to step it up on the fun, adventures, experiences, satisfaction, joy, happiness, and Love in your life. SO GOOD!

 

The Delightful Part

In our quest to have a Brilliant Human Experience™ we struggle, we suffer, we stretch, we learn, we rejoice, we celebrate, we enjoy, we savor – hopefully… We are great with the beginning part of this list. Even those that are better are taking it easy and enjoying, might still miss some of the beauty that is possible in our Experience…

I’ve on a mission for myself and to help others have the Best Human Experience ever. Woot!

Hence this newest Step, and particularly this Part, was added to our Planning process to really *capture and focus on the more awesome side of life.

*I imagine this might be offensive to some who are not in a great place, have the means and such. If this is you, I get you and please know that the whole process is meant to help you move your life forward… Also, know that my work with partners and couples focuses on healing, growing and evolving… Right now, I’m covering the icing on our cake…

Depending on where you are and what you need most in your life right now, can determine which step/s you give the most attention.

Also, note the whole process is to help you take charge of your life and make it what you want. If some parts are too much for you, overwhelming or superfluous, by all means tweak them to fit you and your situation.

NOTE: You DO NOT have to implement all the tactics. I’m offering a menu for your choosing. The point is to make things better in your life, not overload and stress you out filling up your life with more stuff.

SO, we know what we want. We know how to do what it takes and how to be to get it… Now, we are on to enjoying it!

The video covers 5 Tactics to Delight you in your Journey… But before we go there, I want to share the BONUS step to bring it all together.

 

Step5 – Coordination and Integration

The focus today is on the Delighting Tactics, but I want to wrap up this series with a quick overview of this last step to bring it all together for us for a complete process.

The purpose of this step is to make sure you didn’t just plan to your heart’s content and for your process to be forgotten till the end of the upcoming year when you think about setting goals again…

We want to make sure all the clarifying, designing, and strategizing you did gets actually integrated into your life- and work- flows and easily assimilated to help you create the changes and upleveling you are seeking.

SO, here are the Parts for Step5:

⚡️Time Map – Map out how you want to use your time, parts of the day, theme to the days in the week, special times and such. You can create a template of this on a separate calendar (works great with google calendar).  View the template and your regular calendar simultaneously for the template to serve as a guide as you schedule yourself on your regular calendar and make commitments…

⚡️Habits and Routines – Add tactics/habits to a Habits tracking app and to your daily routines to make sure they get integrated into your flow and tracked to ensure you stay the course and make progress. I’ve been using Habits, it’s fairly robust yet pretty, flexible and user friendly.

⚡️Calendar – Add your activities, tactics/habits, flow/routine tasks, special days and times, and events for holding space for things to be booked or scheduled. Use a shared calendar with your partner as necessary. Invite others to the events.

⚡️Project Management and Templates – Add your projects, tasks and to-dos to a project management app. I use Asana. This is great if you run a business. For only personal use I recommend Trello, though you can run a business on there as well. Create templates for recurring tasks to safeguard your brainpower for what matters and to keep you organized, not for remembering tasks and steps. And, these are great collaboration tools as well!

⚡️Environments – Finally, review your environments to make sure they support your new habits, routines, activities and interests. Remove any friction that might cause you to falter in your quest and add touches to encourage your follow through. For example, having a water bottle you like to help you drink more water.

You see how all the fleshing out and designing you did become a part of your life and easier to tackle as it gets incorporated into your routine, flow and systems?

This is how you create change and progress and ultimately live your Best Life!

 

And finally, Step6!

The next thing about all this is that if you haven’t already done this process with your partner…, that you share what you came up with and encourage them to do this for themselves as well. Please note, that they might not go as in depth or as thoroughly as you did, and that’s ok. We all have our own way of doing things…

Then review what you each have to create a Joint Life Vision and approach, and tweak your flow and integration of tactics as necessary to capture the Partnership…

Voila!

 

Now for real, you get to watch the video for 5 Tactics to help you Masterfully enjoy your Journey… Enjoy!

Download the End-Of-Year & New-Year Planning Process

APPLICATION: Today’s Part is the most fun. Here is where you really get to sprinkle the sparkle! Here is an overview of the process and the Tactics for today’s Part:

A – Complete Steps1 – 3 if you haven’t yet!

B – Tackle Step4 – You don’t have to do all of these. Select what tickles your heart and have at it!

⭐️ The Inspirational Part

⭐️ The Masterful Part

⭐️ Today’s – The Delightful Prat… 

🔥 Self-Love Practice – It is very challenging to feel OK if we don’t love and take care of ourselves…

If you are already overwhelmed and tight for time, don’t skimp on this Tactic but maybe hold off on the others. This Tactic is the one that helps you do your self, your relationship/s and your life better!

When you not find but make the time for self-care, treating yourself and connecting with yourself, everything else is good. I promise. Connecting with yourself, means you are never alone and unloved. Prioritizing mindfulness and taking care of yourself keeps you healthy, resilient, energized, inspired and motivated… From this state you can conquer and master everything else…

Stay tuned for more on this in coming issues!

**Make a list of Self-Care and Self-Love activities to choose from to add to your flow… Include little luxuries, pampering, and honoring of yourself. Shoot for Sparking Joy and Delighting Yourself…

**Design your morning, afternoon, and evening routines as well as other special times and dates with yourself adding to them some specific activities from you list…

🔥 Experiences Map – Have more fun and adventure!

**Make a list of amazing experiences and memorable moments you want to have this upcoming year. Places to visit, social engagements, people to hang with, things from our Bucket List/s, First Time things (thanks for this last one Sherri!), and such.

**Draw a line down a paper to represent the upcoming year. Starting at the top add January, go down a bit and add February, and so on to capture the whole year. Then, add the items from your list as makes sense to you and your life, including how you’ll stretch, to the different months of the year. 

🔥 Interests and Activities – Enrich your life and have meaningful personal experiences.

**Given your Personal Brand that you identified in The Inspirational Part, decide what kind of hobbies, interests, and activities you’ll want to pursue in the coming months. What kind of flavor will they be: Nerdy, sporty, adventurous, healthy, creative, artistic or what?

Note, more doesn’t mean is better! You already have a full life- we just want to add things that make it more special. There is no need to overload, cram and fill up every minute…

 🔥 Passion Project – You don’t necessary need more things to do. But if you are looking to add more meaning and depth to your life and to feel more engaged, this might be a good a good solution.

**If you don’t already have a cause, an interest or a passion, check out what others are doing in their lives when it comes to this. Think about different parts of you, your life, your home, your community and such where you can dig in and add more pizzazz.

 🔥 Giving Back Plan – This one piggybacks on the prior tactic but takes it to a more external, humanitarian and philanthropical level.

**Do some soul searching and some online research as to areas where you can contribute, influence, and make an impact. Depending on your ambition, you can tackle the 17 Sustainable Developmental Goals to a degree of your choosing.

Or you can simply identify charities you want to support with contributions or through volunteering, support organizations or associations with your time and talents, mentor youth or team member at work, donate stuff when you declutter your home, or give a helping hand to brothers and sisters in need.

C – Schedule Step5 – You see why this step needed to be added? So much yumminess came out of this process. This is how you make a rich, meaningful, and joyous life.

**Now it’s time to make all your plans, designs and selections from all your work a part of your daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly life using tools and systems. This might take some time, so a separate planning session might be in order. LOL

⭐️ Time Map
⭐️ Habits and Routines
⭐️ Calendar
⭐️ Project Management and Templates
⭐️ Environments

D – Embrace Step6 – Include your Partner!

 

You did it! Wow!

Doesn’t that just feel incredible, to know exactly what your life will look like, the work and the fun, next year? To know that you got it all covered, and that it’s going to be epic? Knowing that it can all be revisited and tweaked as necessary…

Great job having your own back, future you appreciates you…

Here is to your Best Year Yet!

See you in the New Year!

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Check out past Holiday posts to help you Thrive this Holiday Season and start the New Year right!

Letting go, productivity and meaningful holiday
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments
Intentionally plan your holidays and year-end
Giving to yourself for ultimate success
Give the Gift of Understanding and Compassion…
Giving, meaning and success
Have a 100 year plan…
Why you need Purpose in your life?
Do you have clarity?
Let your Values rule your life
Live by your Character and Practical Strengths

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple…

It is not uncommon for couples to have the same recurring issues and arguments… If partners are not intentional and proactive about addressing the underlying reasons for these, they will continue to have them… Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple… Banging around unconscious as to who you really are, what really is driving you, what you really want and how this impacts interactions with your partner, is a sure way to create a dissatisfying relationship and mediocre life. Ouch!

Is this how you want to live your life?

Unless we’ve done personal development work, we all walk around with most of ourselves unknown to ourselves. Isn’t that something?

We have unconscious and subconscious mechanisms at work that inform most of who we are and influence most of what we do… A minuscule of our experience actually happens in our conscious mind

The subconscious mechanism has to do with how our mind works… We can identify our unsupportive scripts, negative narratives, biases, fears, and limiting believes and address them. We can focus on reducing our Negativity Bias.

The unconscious mechanism has to do with how our embodied-brain works… We can identify/infer our wounds, emotional programming, and physiological responses and address them.

How we were raised and what we experienced growing up influenced our embodied-brain development, our sense of self and our impression and experience of the world…

Left unexplored, we are only aware of and know a small percentage of ourselves and how we experience the world…

The world, our reality, is not a static knowable objective truth to boot… If we are ignorant about our Reality, and take everything we think and experience at face value, we are in for a rude awakening…

Our thoughts are not who we are and what the word is… We can’t believe everything we think!

This is where partners get into trouble. Partners sensitivities might get poked by the mere being of the other person and their imperfections.

  • They make assumptions and assign motives as to what they are perceiving.
  • Their interpretations are influenced by their limited and unexplored knowledge of themselves.
  • They rely on their senses and their logic to interpret an interaction and experience their partner and their relationship.
  • And, their senses and logic as limited as they are, they are usually additionally compromised for whatever reason.

When understanding interactions and relationships from this concept, it is really a marvel that people are able to have any sort of good relationships… The whole thing is a constant moving target!

Luckily our brain doesn’t like open loops, questions, and the unknown. I say luckily because then it looks for patterns and responds accordingly, this is useful. Otherwise, it is not great that the brain fills in the blanks with whatever it needs to reassure itself or prove itself right… This continues the virtual reality and veil we live with…

But, working with patterns allows us to plant the flag somewhere, address the experience we are having, and give us the ability to do something about it…

 

Working with the Unconscious Mind

 

I usually tackle this topic from the unconscious perspective, as this is where a lot of our programming happened growing up. This is when we literally wired our embodied-brain that’s now used to sense and perceive the world around us… (Element3 of The Strategy, of course addressing our conscious mindset and subconscious, is super important and a priority as well – Element1 of The Strategy)

In interactions with our caregivers we formulated our neuropathways and developed and integrated the structures of our brain. When our interactions were less-than-perfect (because no caregiver person is perfect), we wired ourselves according to the experience that now informs our sensitivities…

We have a filter that is on the lookout for preventing the same pain… The brain is amazing at this. Put the brain on something and it’ll find it, it’ll look for an answer to whatever question, and work on closing any open loops.

Therefore, if we have a theme of a certain kind of parenting growing up that scarred us in some way, the brain will latch on to that pattern…

It is imperative that we are aware of how our brain works so it doesn’t trip us up!

 

Changing the Patterns

It is our job to discover what is the pattern we keep playing out. What is our brain looking for? What keeps triggering us? How do we respond in the face of this experience that perpetuates the cycle? And in turn, how does this interact with our partner’s sensitivities? How are we co-creating our reality…?

Once we identify what is triggering us ongoingly, we can translate that pain, feeling, wound, into a need. What is the message of the feeling we are feeling? What do we need to give to ourselves to meet the need? What mindful and respectful requests can we make of our partner to help us meet our needs?

And of course, we reciprocate. When they get triggered, we try to understand what might be happening for them. We check if we are understanding them (we don’t run with assumptions!). We ask what we can offer to help them meet their needs. We can have conversations about patterns, needs, and meeting them… It just requires intentionally.

Note, I set this up from the perspective of one partner. These interactions are much easier if our partner has similar awareness and motivation to work on themselves and the relationship. But note that they don’t have to, partners get stuck on this. When we focus on what we do and how we show up, we can create change… We are not at their mercy!

 

APPLICATION: Take inventory of the theme of your recurring issues, arguments and fights…

  • What keeps coming up for you?
  • What keeps getting triggered?
  • What are the feelings/emotions?
  • What are your feelings telling you?
  • What are the driving needs behind the feelings?
  • How can you go about self-agenting to meet your needs while remaining mindful of your partner and their need and respectful in your approach?

 

We have to take responsibility of our own experience and how we co-create our reality… This self-agency allows us to create the relationship and life we desire…

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Overwhelmed, how is your support and collaboration? (PT5)

Overwhelmed, how is your support and collaboration? (PT5)

It is not easy to live a successful and meaningful life. It takes intentionality, focus and dedication to stay the course. Our life Journey has ups and downs, and at times it can feel like an obstacle course. With the many demands of today’s modern life and specially recently as we’ve weathered a global pandemic, things can be challenging. It can be overwhelming to manage all the demands and responsibilities. This is why it’s so important to uplevel your support and collaboration.

Imagine having world-class support and collaboration protocol to help create your Best Life. Then the Universe becomes the limit…

It is no fun going it alone. And most importantly when we don’t have the proper support, we hold ourselves back from creating the life (and relationship!) we desire… For you see, when we try to do everything by ourselves in a vacuum, it shows in our results…

When we go it alone:

  • We are limited by how much we can do, by our knowledge base and by our skill set
  • We are focused on doing and forget Being
  • We elude our creativity and our knowing
  • We are flooded by the minutiae of life and miss the forest for the tree
  • We miss savoring life experiences, the simple pleasures and amazing people 
  • We cheat ourselves of connection and intimacy
  • We hold ourselves back from the potential that leveraging and connectivity can afford us…

These limitations have a massive impact:

  • We hold ourselves back from our true potential and from living our full Human Experience
  • We settle for less and can’t even imagine having something special to contribute
  • We erode our connection and bond and jeopardize the essence of our relationship
  • We subscribe to subpar parenting tactics
  • We neglect, abandon and even abuse ourselves

We end up:

  • Settling for a job we hate and merely getting a paycheck to live from month to month
  • Creating a mediocre relationship, tolerating our partner, missing out on our epic love
  • Missing out on the synergy inherent in our partnership
  • Misparenting our children to the point that they become ill, symptomatic, misbehaved, maladjusted
  • Damaging our body, mind, and spirit

For those that are still carrying the badge of honor for: Sacrificing themselves, exploiting their every ounce of living, and running themselves into the ground – I implore you to reconsider your approach!

It behooves partners to crack the code on how to better support each other and implement a Collaboration Protocol into their lifestyle to create the life of their dreams. They can easily accomplish this through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

What does support and collaboration look like in a relationship? Every relationship has their own flavor of this, but the essence is to have a divide and conquer approach. Where one partner picks up where the other leaves off. And, where both partners are in the loop and current on everything that’s going on in their joint lives. But, most importantly where the partners are working together to achieve a common goal.

The partners designing and working together towards a Joint Life Vision is the key towards creating your Best Life and having your fullest Human Experience…

Check out this super inspiring video: Taking Visioning to the next level!

 

Create a Strong Partnership

 

Ok, so how do we create a fabulous life and epic love relationship when we are already stretched thin and overwhelmed? You set yourself up for having better support and collaboration, you create a Strong Partnership.

 

Setting Up for Success

Success and creating awesomeness doesn’t happen by accident. We have to be intentional and proactive about it.

FIRST – Clear: Decommit, eliminate distractions, outsource, declutter, streamline, simplify, automate

SECOND – Envision: Design your Joint Life Vision that flows from your values and has clear goals

THIRD – Structure: Create your Ideal Day (daily routine) that you’ll follow as a template

FOURTH – Systematize: Set up systems for sharing responsibilities, completing tasks, building Habits

FIFTH – Flow: Include buffers and transitions into your routines

This formula helps reduce the overwhelm and set yourself up for a productive, meaningful and joyful life. It:

    1. Creates space to operate differently
    2. Identifies your North Star to guide your aspirations
    3. Provides a structure to contain your endeavors
    4. Promotes an effortless approach to managing your days and the business of life
    5. Supports operating with ease and joy

What’s important to note here is that our ability to implement this depends heavily on: Our mindset, communication skills, how we meet needs, and bond with our partner. Partners who jump into problem solving and changing up their lives have a hard go of it if the other relationship Elements are not robust

FEELING STUCK, HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP MINDSET? (PT1)

BICKERING AND FIGHTING, HOW ARE YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS? (PT2)

REPEATING ARGUMENTS, HOW ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS? (PT3)

MISSING LOVE, HOW IS YOUR CONNECTION AND INTIMACY? (PT4)

If it was easy to create a fabulous life and epic love relationship, then everybody would have these things. Our job is to invest in ourselves and our relationship so that we are in good shape to create our Best Life. And so that we have an amazing Human Experience.

 

ASSIGNMENT: Identify where the weak link is in your life and relationship right now. It can be within one of the Elements, or in one of the steps in the Success Formula.

Decide how you will go about addressing your weak link… Take an immediate action to get the ball rolling in creating your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life… 

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?

Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered

Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.

When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…

Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.

This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…

In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…

It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…

Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL

Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…

This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…

 

Changing the Dynamics

 

It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.

 

The Reactivity

The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…

Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?

The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…

You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…

What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?

These feelings are your Wounds…

The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate

The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone

Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…

Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.

Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.

 

Your Reciprocity Loop

Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…

  • You want closeness, they want space.
  • You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
  • You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
  • You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
  • And, so on…

Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…

The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…

Let’s say:

  • Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
  • This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
  • They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before  they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
  • Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
  • They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
  • This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
  • Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
  • And it can really escalate…

Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!

 

The Transformation

Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.

So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…

And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…

Note, the Wounds that are triggered are actually rooted in childhood experiences. See if you can connect them back…

Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.

Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.

For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…

The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.

And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!

 

ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!

  • Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
  • Identify your Loop
  • Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
  • Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

It is uncommon to speak in terms of Mothering and Fathering in the context of our relationship… Unless of course we are talking about raising our children. But I’ve been presenting this concept as a way to continue to heal and grow ourselves. As a personal development tool, and more recently as a relationship enrichment tool… Today I’m expanding the Fathering repertoire by sharing the importance of personal and partner’s character strengths.

Remember, we all have female and male energy and can embrace characteristics and embody attributes from both. When I’m presenting on Mothering and Fathering, and Female and Male Energy, I’m not talking about gender or sexuality… I’m referring to our inherent energies… Our job is to balance how we embrace, activate and utilize them…

Mothering flows from female energy and Fathering flows from male energy, and they can both be done by women and men… There is no judgement as to which is better or preferred, and this is not a form of sexism, genderism, or such. This just is. Anything else is a social construct we’ve unknowingly accepted…

But please note, I’m not denying the oppression of female energy and women over millennia… If nothing else, I’m actually highlighting the importance of undoing this oppression. I’m doing it through what I know best, which is personal development and relationship enrichment…

      • Mothering has to do with nurturing and caring.
      • Fathering has to do with structuring and disciplining.

When we embrace providing these characteristics to ourselves, we reparent ourselves… I refer you to the book Healing Your Emotional Self, for top notch work on reparenting ourselves…

Reparenting ourselves means giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get growing up. How we were hurt and not met growing up created wounds, limiting believes and other goodies that have permeated how we organized ourselves and cope with life. Including how we show up in relationship, get triggered and create our stuck dynamics… Reparenting ourselves is a way of healing and releasing ourselves from that stronghold…

Then, bring this to the context of our relationship and we have an exponential impact… Now, I’m not talking about being a mother or a father to your partner and vice versa. That’s the worst thing we can do… I’m talking about being Mothering and Fathering. I’m talking about your interactions and how you approach your partner and the relationship using more:

      • Nurturing, compassion, softness, flexibility, and such (Mothering) for engendering feelings of belonging, worthiness, and acceptance.
      • RoleModeling/guiding, routines, structure, systems and such (Fathering) for engendering feelings of safety, security, and stability.

You see how these can be salve to core wounds?

The key here is to sprinkle the Mothering characteristics into your interactions with yourself and your partner. And the Fathering characteristics to how you do your relationship and your life.

This means be nice to yourself (self-care) and your partner (other-care) and embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™Voila!

 

Work Your Character Strengths

So, where do Character Strengths come in? Working on developing our Character Strengths is a Fathering tactic as it involves learning, honing, applying. Mothering is feminine with being, expanding, flowing… The active and directed part of this endeavor is masculine and therefore Fathering…

Working on developing our Character Strengths helps us become more of who we are, more integrated and robust. It helps us have a richer human experience, and it helps us bring a better self to our relationship and our partner…

Having strong Character Strengths helps partners avoid the many pitfalls they would otherwise encounter in their relationship…

Our personal and our partner’s character strengths influence the character of our relationship with things like a love, kindness, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, perspective, self-regulation, teamwork, etc.

The VIA Institute of Character created a Character Strengths Survey to measure the good qualities in people and to counterbalance the Disorder Statistical Manual (DSM) used to diagnose mental disorders…

They identified 24 Character Strengths that were classified into 6 categories:

      • Wisdom – Creativity, curiosity, judgment, love of learning, perspective
      • Courage – Bravery, honesty, perseverance, zest
      • Humanity – Kindness, love, social intelligence
      • Justice – Fairness, leadership, teamwork
      • Temperance – Forgiveness, humility, prudence, self-regulation
      • Transcendence – Appreciation of beaty & excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

Doesn’t it make sense that to develop this further in ourselves would only but enrich our relationship?

As we continue to expand our Fathering repertoire, we are polishing the use of our male energy for more security, stability, productivity, efficiency, and results in our life. Let’s continue to create our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life!

ASSIGNMENT: Intentionally integrate your Character Strengths into your life and your relationship…

      • Take the survey to identify your current strengths and where you can stand to invest in some more development.
      • The easiest way to work on developing a characteristic is by creating a Habit to help you practice it… Choose 3 Character Strengths you are looking to develop and create Habits for them into your daily routine: Doing a behavior or activity that would help you practice the strength. And, keep working this method until you feel you’ve made progress developing the Character Strengths you desire.

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Spring into a new level in your relationship and life
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
How you perpetuate your stuckness
Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs? 
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane? 
Implement pleasure and delight habits (video)
Caring is not just for mothers
Need fathering in your life?

How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
The key is collaboration

The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video)
Intentional habits to glide into the new year with ease

The power of having Intentional Habits™

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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