At the beginning of a new year we usually set New Year’s Resolutions or set goals for the upcoming year. I’m not a strong believer of Resolutions, as I’m sure a lot of you are not as well. I don’t believe in them, because they are like hats with nowhere to be hang. They are difficult to stick with because they are superficial commitments not grounded in a larger context, value system or mental shift. That’s why I prefer Goals and Intentions.
Whatever you focus your positive energy you’ll see movement, progress and growth. It has been proven that successful people set goals and faithfully pursue them. They achieve and create the life they want.
When we set goals we tend to focus on individual personal dreams, or work, professional or business related items. Unless one is really into setting goals, has a coach or is very ambitious and organized, other areas of one’s life usually don’t get attention during this process. I want to invite you to change this and put positive energy into your Relationship area as well.
What we focus on grows, evolves. We want to place positive focus and attention into our Relationship and interactions with our partner to create the Dream Relationship we want with our partner. Most partners look for what is wrong with their relationship, how their needs are not met, and how their partner was jerky today.
They have a pretty well developed radar for these things, and when prompted they have no problem sharing a litany of complaints. We do not want to do this. This is a sure way to undermine our relationship, beat up our partner, rapture our connection and be thoroughly dissatisfied in our love life.
Instead, we need to focus on nurturing and enriching our relationship with positive energy and attention for it to be what we want it to be.
1) Dream (dream): Set some time aside with your partner to share your wishes and dreams for your relationship – review these relationship areas: Communication, Intimacy, Sexuality, Fun, and Partnership/Support
2) Deepen (vision): Discuss how you would like each area to be: How would it feel, look, sound, taste, smell? What emotions would it create?
3) Capture (goals): After you have shared your ideas, create a sentence for each area that captures what you discussed.
4) Ground (tasks): Then for each of the areas clarify how you will make that statement come true. Pick one action for each area to implement this week. Here are some ideas:
Communication: how often and how to touch base daily, when to have more meaningful conversations, how to stay current, how to address concerns and issues, what hot (trigger) words to avoid, when to take a breather, promise to stay respectful …
Intimacy: sharing daily happenings, sharing thoughts and feelings, sharing dreams and wishes, setting time aside to be together, synchronizing schedules and routines, making joint plans, sharing personal / professional goals …
Sexuality: how often to have sex, what kind of sex to have, preferences, expanding the repertoire, attending to different body, gender and personal needs and wishes, creating a sensual haven in the bedroom, how else to be physically connected (affection, touch, etc.) …
Fun: what kind of fun to have, expanding the repertoire of fun things to do, trying new things, expanding couple circle of friends, scheduling dates and getaways, joining teams, clubs, or other organized groups together, working out together, starting a joint hobby or project …
Partnership: create a joint calendar to get and stay on the same page, set life goals and create systems to achieve them, assign household chores and other responsibilities by skill and preference, tweak routines and household flow to support each other’s needs …
5) Empower (fuel): When you are done, close your eyes, take a deep couple of breaths letting out any fear, concern, ambivalence, resistance… Letting in love, acceptance, understanding, compassion, patience, strength, resolution… Send your body the message that it’s Ok to be in an intimate connection with your partner… Take another deep breath… Send your partner, and the Universe, the Intention to stay available, safe, supportive, and connected with your partner today and through out the year…
Happy New Year!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
