Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.
I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.
There are three steps to this process:
1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)
2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)
3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)
Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…
Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.
The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started:
Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed …
The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.
Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.).
Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up.
You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …
Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …
You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse!
The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play.
This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …
But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness.
This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!
Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … !
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Rule Breaking!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding, compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
