When we are really frustrated at our partner and become crazy in our interaction with them, in real life or in our mind…, we lose sight of our Self, our partner and our relationship. We instead get mired in a sea of reactivity, and therefore pain.
We are not doing anyone any good by getting to this state. This state, thoughts and feelings, is just a reactive experience of a specific set of neurons firing in our brain. This is not who we are. This is not who are partner is. This is not our relationship. This is just some in the moment chemistry.
We usually base our whole experience on what we think and feel – yet these thoughts and feelings do not define us. When we are finally able to grasp this concept and apply it to our Being, we are able to experience more peace and love. For in recognizing that our brain has triggered a sequence that is reactive, and not defining or definitive, we become observers of our process.
In so doing, we achieve a reflective distance (detachment) that allows us to become responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is an empowered, responsive state. From this state, we can choose how to Be.
When this is done consistently, we actually rewire our brain, self soothe (regulate), and heal. We integrate our faculties and become higher functioning and more empathic. We experience less symptoms and dissatisfaction, and are able to better and more deeply connect with the world around us.
Imagine that every time you get aggravated with your partner, you are able to move into a reflective distance and recognize your reactivity. Imagine, you then see your process and understand how you were triggered. This understanding allows you to approach the situation from a different angle, to respond, and work with what is in front of you.
You are able to invite cooperation from your partner, get your needs met, and get a favorable outcome for both of you. You can cocreate a wonderful peaceful and loving relationship. Give it a try, reflectively distance from your partner. Happy Reflecting!! ~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about one of their actions that triggered you. Discuss it from a reflective distance and responsive state. Share where their actions took you, the pain involved, and your related needs around the pain. Invite your partner to do the same.
Copyright (c) 2010-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
