Partners look at what they contribute to their joint life as what they contribute to their relationship. These things usually include earnings and taking care of the family and home. But, what would you say you contribute to the relationship if you couldn’t include these?
How do you invest in becoming a better partner? How do you nurture your partner? How do you nurture the relationship? How do you invest in feeling each other and creating intimacy? How do you invest in enjoying each other?
What happens in romantic relationships is that initially we show up with our best Self, work at learning each other, enjoy the essence of each other, and please each other. We invest in caring and showing care for the other. We invest in making plans, in our appearance, in surprising the other, in getting thoughtful gifts, in being interesting, etc.
What happens as we become more committed? What happens after the conquest is over? What happens after we settle in? Aside from the infatuation phase being over where the cold hard reality of who are partner really is settles in (beginning the power-struggle phase of our relationship…), what happens now is that we settle into domesticity… Domesticity is the killer of attraction, desire and passion.
Domesticity means we turned into a domestic partnership, usually also including parenting. When we are in our domestic and parenting roles, we cannot also be in our couplehood and romantic roles. The couple gets lost in the domestic world…
The intimacy required to sustain the couple withers away triggering the partners and making them resentful, which adds fuel to the already activated power-struggle. When we lack connection and don’t feel like a strong unit, our defenses are heightened to protect us and create emotional security. Being in a partnership but not feeling connected and united is more scary than being alone.
For when we are alone, we rely on ourselves and that’s it. We know we got it. When in partnership we depend on the other being there… We try to be a team player, but the team is poorly established. The positions are not assigned, the rules of the game are not defined, and we don’t know if we are even on the same team… We play to win a game that is doomed to fail… This is completely frustrating and exhausting!
Our job is to clearly define our roles, expectations, rules, game plan, etc. so we play on the same team to win the game. This means making sure you don’t ignore the Couple. This means you invest in the domestic side of life, but also in nurturing your partner and your relationship. This is where the magic happens. You can’t take your eyes off the ball!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When partners move into this domestic relationship and ignore their intimacy and emotional needs, they try to meet those through domesticity… This is only a Band-Aid and actually a set up for additional frustration. This gives the illusion of closeness and connection.
The power-struggle rears its ugly head when trying to force a square peg in a circular whole to get needs met… Domestic issues are used to try to meet emotional needs while using our different worldviews, personality, brains, etc. This does not work. We’ll continue to hit our head against the wall as long as we continue this approach…
The solution is to treat your partner as the Love of your life. Not at the admin/maid or financer of your life. The shift in focus allows us to romance and nurture our partner. It allows us to be intimate, and get our emotional cup filled. It allows us to take care of the Couple. From here our partner is our Partner. From here the partnership can take on anything, including all the domesticity needed with no repercussion to the Selves.
It is time to give your partner care and attention – as if you were still dating (not from their circle!)… Make this part of your MO – perpetually date your partner!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Dating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
