Being a Mom has been the greatest gift and blessing in my life. This role is at the core of who I am and part of my purpose at the end of the day… I am so proud of the Journey I have walked with our daughter since the moment she was a desire in our minds until this very moment. The pride and love I have for her is immeasurable. But even though this is my greatest pride and joy, it hasn’t come without its challenges. How being a Mom impacts you…
Let me count the ways… As I mapped out the content of this issue, more and more came to mind as to how women are impacted by being Moms really punctuating just how intrinsic this impact is… I have also had the pleasure and honor of hearing many Moms’ experiences, additionally highlighting how pervasive this is as well…
A little disclaimer before I continue
- In no way shape or form, do I mean to marginalize the importance and impact of the Dad role through this presentation, which has all its own inherent nuances…
- Neither do I claim that everything presented here is applicable in its entirety to parents of non-traditional gender identities and couples of non-traditional sexual orientation…
- Additionally, even more traditional couples might not be so traditional in that the domestic responsibilities are shared fairly equally or are outsourced, and/or the traditional roles are reversed…
- The best way to consume this content is not to get concerned with all the different definitions and contexts, but rather by which parental role/identity and situation you identify with the most…
- Any time that the topic of gender comes up, things get a little tricky. I do my best to use cohesive conceptualization that makes sense no matter the context but will have the more traditional flavor in language and presentation for simplicity’s sake…
- In a nutshell, this presentation is geared toward the parent that identifies as woman, female, mother, and motherer (most concepts apply to men/other in the Mom role as well)…
I have thought of presenting this content from different angles:
- How being a Mom impacts our time, bandwidth and energy
- How being a Mom impacts our spirit, mind and body (including having the presence of the baby’s cells in our body and therefore the father’s DNA if we created the baby in our uterus!)
- How being a Mom impacts all areas of our life- home, lifestyle, finances/career, romantic relationship and sexuality, and so on
But I landed on how being a Mom impacts all of the above and more, it impacts us to the core… It impacts how we experience ourselves and our sense of Self, who we are as people…
Being a Mom impacts the essence of who we are… I honestly don’t think there is a greater role that we can ever take on that would be as meaningful and impactful… It is literally all consuming and all encompassing…
I find it fascinating when partners work on their relationship and the impact of this role comes up…
~ The women usually feel completely misunderstood, unsupported, unappreciated, and not valued. They believe their partner has no clue what they are going through and how expensive it is to be a Mom, notwithstanding the beauty and gift of the role and that they wouldn’t trade it for anything… By what their partner says and does, they know their partner just doesn’t get the depth of the impact- that it is of existential magnitude…
~ The partner usually believes that the Mom is creating more work for herself than she has to, and that she is not doing things right like prioritizing, setting boundaries, organizing, time managing, delegating, etc.
They don’t get how come she is so tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, worried, anxious, irritable. They don’t get how she won’t take time for herself and do self-care. They don’t get how come they can’t just forget about the kids for a bit (during sex, on a date, on a trip). They don’t get how intricately woven their wellbeing is to that of their kids….
I have found myself in many conversations with couples:
~ Helping Moms do their role as well and as thoroughly as they’d like while minimizing the expense of themselves…
~ And helping their partners see the impact the role has on the Moms, and therefore everything else in their lives…
The role is absorbing, women don’t just think of the children, they are with the children- they are a We. Mind you this We also usually includes the partner unless the partner is not on the same page. In which case, then mother bear comes out to play and the partner is out the cave (sorry partners!). This is a built-in safety measure to ensure the survival of the species… We haven’t advanced that much yet, so this is pretty much still a part of our makeup…
The Moms are a blob with the children. This is why they usually have a harder time parenting as the children are more defiant with the mothers to differentiate from this blob… The Mothers very identity and essence are tied up with the blob. If any element of the blob is not OK, they are not OK…
~ This is why Moms are consumed with all the caretaking (feeding with their bodies and foregoing their sleep among many other things), at some level they are also taking care of themselves… The children and the partner are experienced as an extension/continuation of themselves…
~ Their taking care of themselves will never look like that of their partner, who would usually be more individually/me focused… And, who experience the children and their partner as a collection of selves…
Why then if taking care of the We is also taking care of ourselves, is it still so expensive to be a Mom? Because as part of the blob our own essence gets diluted and not specifically honored and nurtured. The caretaking of the blob doesn’t directly translate to taking care of ourselves… We feel good doing it and feel it necessary to do, we wouldn’t do anything different.
And, even though at the end of the day we are looking to become one, transcend separateness and ego, we are still after all seeking a full Human Experience that continues to evolve our Self…
We still have our own replenishing, needs and evolution that we need to tend to….
Our personal care and development get lost in translation with our Mom role, unless we do the role intentionally… This is where the pride and joy, and the gift and the blessings come in…
Here is to honoring and celebrating all the Moms- past, present and future, may we care for ourselves as well as we care for our lovies…
Watch the video for learning about the impact of being a Mom… Enjoy!
MONTHLY THEME GUIDE: CoDependence Quiz
APPLICATION: Decide that you want to be the Best Mom ever… Which means you don’t neglect or abandon yourself… The Best Mom is not one that does so at her own expense…
~ Claim a chunk of time during the week that is just for you- block it off on your calendar as a recurring event
~ Get support for during that time if you have young children that need tending… If something is getting in the way of this- address that immediately…
~ Make a list of all the things you’d like to do for Self-love– and chuck a few ideas into the first 3 chunks to inspire you and help you make that time as restorative as possible
~ Keep enriching your Self-love practice…
A Mom that gives her all, literally to her children and family, and is spent is not a great inspiration and source of joy to her family… Be the Best Mom and take care of yourself as well!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
