The hecticness and speediness of today’s pace of life makes it challenging for partners to synchronize, connect and bond. Add to this each partner’s limitations and the journey to Intimacy can feel pretty daunting. It’s no wonder partners don’t know how to be intimate in their marriage, relationship.
When partners are struggling in their relationship, their preferences for intimacy usually polarize. One partner wants closeness and togetherness to what appears the exclusion of any individually, and the other wants space and individuality to what appears the exclusion of any togetherness.
This polarization becomes so pervasive, painful and stuck that the partners struggle with feeling understood, important, special, and loved. As they continue to power struggle over getting their own way, getting their needs met, they get more and more stuck and their approach at this is disruptive to the relationship.
Their attempts at breaking the impasse, is primitive, defensive and reactive. They end up making boundary injuries, attachment disruptions, and connection raptures in the relationship and impacting their and their partner’s self esteem, power, energy, and general self agency.
There are a few key elements needed for making intimacy safer and, therefore, easier to cultivate:
Practice Availability – synchronize your calendars and routines! This goes a long way in making you each at least physically available to each other. Proximity promotes closeness. Then take it a step further and actively decide how you want to positively and intimately relate to your partner during this opportunity. Think how to be positive, complimentary, nurturing, giving, supportive, and accepting.
Practice Healthy Boundaries – own your Self and not your partner! When you focus on what you are contributing to a situation and work on changing any negative aspects or impact of that instead of focusing on how much your partner stinks, you empower your Self and create a safer situation for your partner to own themselves, step up to the plate… Be patient with this.
You might be doing alright with your end, but it might take your partner a little longer to catch on…
Practice Integrity – be accountable! When you give your word, make a promise, it’s your turn, say you’ll do something, owe something, borrowed something, break something, have responsibilities…, and you are needed make sure you show up. Always keep your end of the bargain, be true to your word, get your partner’s back. This builds respect, security, and trust.
Practice “Love” – determine your Love Languages! Give love to your partner the way they like to receive love, not the way you like to receive it. The Love Languages include: Touch & Physical Intimacy, Words of Acknowledgement & Praise, Acts of Service, Spending Time Together, and Gifts. Hone in on the top two for each and let that guide how you give to each other.
Practice Sharing – make it deeper! Share, share, share. Be smart about your sharing. I’m not suggesting that you share everything. I’m suggesting that you Share… Share about your day and things that were important, significant or had an impact. Share the silly stuff too – just for kicks.
But, most importantly, share the good stuff – your dreams, hopes, expectations, fears, emotions, thoughts, outlooks, perspectives – your mind, your internal world… Share from your Right Brain – your feelings and experiences (not from your left which is all brainy, cognitive, logical – there is no connection to be had from that place!).Don’t use talking about problems, complaints or others as a distraction…
Practice Selving – be intimate with your Self! When you are not in touch with your Self, how can you possibly be in intimately in touch with someone else? When your life or relationship feels like it’s lacking something, what is lacking is YOU… As you try to enhance your intimacy with your partner, add being intimate with your Self to your repertoire:
Journal, meditate, explore your values, needs, wishes, preferences, what floats your boat, make time to be with your Self, take on activities you enjoy, plan fun into your schedule and stick with it, have more work-life balance, nurture and pamper your Self, practice Extreme Self Care…
Practice Presence – make sure you show up! Bring your Authentic Self to interactions, time together and especially to special moments. Hold on to your true sentiments in a safe, respectful and responsive way while inviting your partner to do the same. You don’t have to agree on everything. Just understand, get, accept and cherish each other’s idiosyncrasies and Selves.
Practice Compassion – you are both perfect just the way you are! Accept your Self and your partner with warts and all. You are both magnificent. Let go of control, manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, shame and outcomes. Be with what is. Surround your Self with brilliance and love and consistently send your partner Love and positive intentions…
Keep this list handy for when you are feeling lost on how to proceed with your partner, feeling down, alone or deprived, or when you feel like adding a little something more to your relationship… Cultivate and build intimacy in your relationship today!
Happy Cultivating!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
