Even with the best of intentions, and even if we activate full grind and grit mode, sometimes we just can’t make the changes we want… This is because everything we do in our relationship and our life is actually driven by underlying programming. We can force this all we want, but ultimately the changes don’t stick if the driving patterns are not also changed. So, let’s focus on deprogramming these presets.

We are talking about unconscious and subconscious patterns…

~ Where the unconscious patterns are more visceral, emotional, wiring, and structural of our embodied nervous system… A mind-body connection. Not directly accessible.

~ And where the subconscious patterns are more of a mental and feeling nature, a product of the mind. It includes fears, limiting beliefs, meaning systems, personal narratives, and the like. These can be accessed when we tune in with deepened awareness. 

Our job is to identify what’s not working in our life and address it from a deprogramming perspective, not just a behavioral and action taking one. 

The more superficial level depends on sheer willpower and discipline, which we know ebbs and flows depending what’s going on in our life and our priorities.

But a deeper approach is more systemic. Once we deprogram, change the preset, everything automatically flows from there with no additional effort or input from us. Ahh…  

This is how we truly level up and create the relationship and life we love- not through effort but by resetting the system underneath it all. You with me?

Deprogramming the Layers

When our programs don’t get a proper upgrade, they keep running outdated scripts. Those scripts trigger defenses that reinforce the very patterns we are trying to change. That’s how we get stuck even when we’re doing all the work

The most common dynamic we see in couples is the pursuer-distancer, maximizer-minimizer, relational overfunctioner-underfunctioner, or simply the codependence pattern… 

The names vary, but the flavor is the same of how couples keep cycling through conflict and disconnection in their relationship. 

This is the new codependence, not necessarily tied to recovery like it was at its inception…

This pattern is driven by a low sense of self and programs of insecurities, unworthiness, fear of abandonment, or feeling not good enough, shame, controlled or suffocated. All developed due to less-than-perfect-caregiving growing up…

The Codependence Pattern in Action

The Pursuer – They need reassurance and connection to feel safe or their abandonment and unworthiness wounds get triggered (Usually core female energy partner, core need is connection) 

~~ They – Nag, complain, over explain, are very emotive, chase, control, are manipulative

The Distancer – They need acknowledgment and appreciation to feel confident and strong or their not-good enough and shame wounds get triggered (Usually core male energy partner, core need is freedom) 

~~ They – Dismiss, hold it in, not very verbal, shut down, distance, gaslight, are passive aggressive

Note: We all have both sets of energies so this is not so black-and-white and both apply to us to some extent… 

The Unconscious Deprogramming

The Pursuer – Heal abandonment and worthiness wounds by not abandoning themselves… Taking care of themselves, their needs, self-soothing and self-regulating, nurturing and pampering themselves. 

~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with nurturing and pampering, Fathering with protection and security

The Distancer – Heal not-good-enoughness and shame wounds by acknowledging themselves… Taking note and being proud of their strengths, uniqueness, accomplishments and achievements. 

~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with compliments and praise, Fathering with structure and discipline

The Subconscious Deprogramming

The Pursuer – Deconditioning fears, beliefs and stories about being left, not being wanted, being alone, having to take care of everything, not being able to count on others, distrust, being unlovable, being too much, being too needy

The Distancer – Deconditioning fears, believes and stories about being controlled, suffocated, trapped, not good enough, not measuring up, feeling behind in life, being unsuccessful, being used or taken advantage of, not being appreciated or valued

~~ Updating Meaning Systems – Do reality checks being mindful of confirmation bias, look for the exemptions, focus on and cultivate what does work or meets your needs, check for secondary gains- what do you get out of something not working…

Upleveling the Relationship

The Pursuer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for togetherness and connection without being controlling and triggering your partner’s wounds of feeling trapped, without throwing them in a cage  

The Distancer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for separateness and freedom without being evasive and aloof or distant and triggering your partner’s wound of feeling abandoned, without throwing them off a precipice

This addresses a couple’s main theme and pattern. Of course, each couple and partners are unique– so apply this to your situation as you see best. 

~~ And then you integrate all the Conscious work… 

~ The aligning on values and setting boundaries
~ The improving communication skills and tools
~ The intentionally meeting your own and each other’s needs 
~ The building connection and intimacy
~ The implementing systems for a smooth collaboration and strong partnership 

If we want to level up our life and our relationship, we have to change the preset that’s maintaining the status quo. 

No matter how much effort we put in to changing our behavior, habits and circumstances, if we don’t change the underlying programming, all our work will eventually revert back to the established preset… 

Identify which part of the dynamics you usually land in and commit to addressing the driving programming to change your preset. This is how you’ll create sustainable and lasting change. Here is to your upleveled relationship! 

Happy Deprogramming…

With Much Love & Light!

 

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RESOURCES

~~ Watch our related videos on our YouTube channel

~~ Download our Changing Codependence Patterns Checklist to identify the flavor of yours and start deprogramming it!  

 

PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?

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   Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.