When your partner won’t commit, it creates a sense of powerlessness. It leaves you not knowing how to carry on, what to expect, and even what your future holds. This is a very scary place to be, where one doesn’t even know what expectations are ok to have of one’s partner… Is your partner dragging their feet to pop the question?
It’s very convenient for the ambivalent partner to postpone making a decision, if the committed partner puts up with the lack of commitment from them. 🙄
Now, don’t get me wrong. This does not mean that if your partner is ambivalent that you demand a commitment, press for a commitment, give ultimatums, etc… Unfortunately, I see this too often in our practice where the wrong approach is used to get a commitment from an ambivalent partner.
The wrong approach promotes further power-struggling, stuckness, funky behaviors and when overdone might even lead to a break-up. 💔
So, what is the partner who is ready for commitment to do? In a nutshell, they are to strike a balance between not pressuring their partner, but also making their wishes well known… ⚖️
I know this sounds much easier said than done. I’ve seen plenty of couples be tortured by this situation. The brain doesn’t do well with ambivalence and question marks. The not knowing where things stand and what to expect is a great source of anxiety and torment.
But this situation is not hopeless. Partners who go through this can attain a higher level of commitment when they are intentional about their approach to getting there…
Getting to, Will you marry me?
There are reasons why some couples move slow to getting to a higher level of commitment, but it doesn’t mean they can’t…
Commitment Blocks…
A lot of times couples find themselves stuck because one partner is ready for more commitment and the other one isn’t, or something is getting in the way of moving forward.
Readiness – The ambivalent partner is just simply not ready. The relationship is just something in their lives but not a priority. They have other things that they are focused on or that take up their bandwidth. They:
•Don’t feel settle in their career, profession, business and/or financially
•Might have unfinished business with a prior relationship
•Might be overextended and overwhelmed in their life for different reasons
Sureness – The ambivalent partner is just not convinced or is worried about whether the other partner is the right fit for them as a Life Partner… They love the person but there are red flags for them, or concerns holding them back from being all in… They worry about the other’s:
•Habits, addictions
•Personality traits
•Financial standing, achievements
•Culture, religion, other affiliations
•Dreams for the future, motivation
•Background, Family
•And others
Essence – The nature of the relationship itself can influence the partners ability to sync, flow and move forward… Depending on what is going on in the relationship, how the partners see each other and the relationship, relate to one another, get on the same page, meet their needs, connect and bond, and collaborate, has a massive impact on what the couple is able to create…
For the Motivated Partner…
First off, if you are the motivated partner and your partner is just not committing yet, my heart goes out to you. This is a super painful and frustrating place to be…
When our partner doesn’t want to commit, it is very difficult to not take this personally and not let it impact us.
We make up all kinds of things about why our partner might not want us. We feel rejected, unwanted, unloved, not worthy, and such. This impacts our self-esteem. This disempowers us.
But take note that there is something about us that attracted this partner, created the current relationship with this partner, and is still with this partner… Just saying…
So, regardless of what is happening on our partner’s side to make them move slow, it is up to us to address our experience and what we are contributing to the status quo…
🌟 Readiness – We can use our genius to understand our partner’s bandwidth, and use our insight and understanding to address the current situation with them about the reality of the situation and prospect for the future…
These are not easy conversations to have, but they save everyone a lot of time and heartache. The mere conversation might help you align and get on a better path.
> But being more intentional about how to move forward is super helpful and empowering… It is up to you how long you want to wait for the other to get up to speed…
🌟 Sureness – Sometimes the relationship feels like it’s in a hamster wheel, there is a lot of activity but no movement forward… There seems to be something holding things back but it’s very illusive. We can’t put our finger on what’s wrong, our partner feels slippery, but nothing specifically stands out as to what’s amiss…
This is where it’s super important to be conscious and have awareness about ourselves and what we might be contributing to the stuckness. Likewise, to be intentional about learning more about our partner and mindful in our approach to it…
> This is where exploratory conversations are helpful to understand concerns, worry, fear and such. And, to clean up misconceptions, assumptions, assigned motives and the like that create roadblocks.
It is interesting how many things partners are getting wrong about each other that holds them back in the development of their relationship…
🌟 Essence – Most partners did not have great role models for how to be in a healthy, radiant and successful relationship. They don’t have great personal and relational skills to bring to their interactions and to the relationship overall. Our relationship is dependent on our ability to bring our Best Self to it…
When partners trip over themselves, haven’t done much personal development, and haven’t learned relationship nurturing and enrichment skills the whole relationship is like a house of cards…
It is imperative that partners embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle (video), and utilize a Successful Relationship Strategy to assist them create the relationship they want…
APPLICATION: Identify what type of Commitment Block you might have and invite your partner into a conversation about it. Note, you might have a bit of all three…
Readiness – Not ready developmentally, emotionally or in terms of life stage
Sureness – Concerns about partners’ fit
Essence – Relationship needs nurturing and enrichment
Don’t invite your partner to the conversation by saying, We have to talk about our relationship… That is the kiss of death! LOL
Instead say something like, Hey, can we chat later about nurturing our relationship?
You have a lot more control and say than it seems and feels like, I promise. Take charge of your side and see how things begin to shift…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
