Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wrecking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable.
The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!
As usual, we start with what we contribute to the cocreation of the relationship. What we are doing, or not doing, to create the interactions that leave us dissatisfied. Are we controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in our approach to the situation, or in general in our relating, that doesn’t allow our partner to show up? Ouch!
Think about this. When we operate from this place, we are insufferable and suffocating! No wonder our partner gets shifty… Of course this is not to excuse them, but to understand and start making adjustments to get what we desire.
I see this ALL the time. When we try to get our needs met, share our preferences and make requests with this attitude and approach, we are cornering our partner. This leaves them to “yes” us, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises they can’t keep, avoid us, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.).
This does not mean we are responsible for our partner’s choices… This just sheds some light into the cocreation of our patterns…
The way to change this is very simple. I’ve seen incredible immediate changes made by partners as soon as they adjusted their approach. Not only do we need to address what we contribute to this pattern, but we also need to address what our partner contributes… And, we do this not by beating on them but by setting proper boundaries. Voila!
Therefore, the key to changing this pattern is to own our self and not own our partner, and to get what we desire from our partner through appropriate boundary setting. Remember the Ownership Guidelines™: We cannot tell another how to be, think, feel, or behave and all derivatives of this.
We can only clarify, challenge, and own our own beliefs, expectations, preferences, wishes, feelings, actions, and such. Then we can use them to inform a clean approach (non of the dirty behaviors mentioned above) in the interactions with our partner.
The initial focus needs to be on cleaning up our act. Then we can address the boundary setting. It is challenging to set proper boundaries when we are not clean… In a nutshell, boundary setting has to do with making appropriate and mindful requests to get our needs met… For example, “I would prefer that when we address a concern or have a disagreement that we don’t raise our voices. It really jars me, triggers me, making me more reactive.
I would like it if we could be mindful not to escalate. So, going forward, when things start getting too intense for me in a disagreement, I will ask to pause our discussion to get a breather. How do you prefer that I ask for that so I don’t upset you, trigger you, in turn? And, how long of a breather do you think we’d usually need? I think I’d need XX, how about you?”
After, that is agreed upon, “If I find that I’m feeling in need of a breather, I will alert you so we can regroup and stay engaged. But if after a few minutes we continue on a path too intense for me, I will ask for a breather. If my request for a breather is not honored, please know that then I will disengage from the interaction as lovingly as I can, and will come back after the XX time we agreed on.”
This approach of stating a request or preference, the purpose or reasoning, the behavior or approach modification desired, and mindful agreement can be used to set boundaries in a multitude of circumstances.
So, building trust is an inside job… Once we Clean Our Side of the Coin™, make appropriate requests, and set proper boundaries to meet our needs we are setting up our partner for cooperation. This creates a mutually respectful space where trust is a given. Give it a shot, start by owning your Self.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Trusting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment Which do you do in your relationship? Are you controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in your approach to the situation, or in general in your relating, that doesn’t allow your partner to show up?
Do you “yes” your partner, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises you can’t keep, avoid your partner, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.)?
Identify which dirty behaviors you use. If not sure, take a couple of days to catch yourself in doing them or thinking them! Then, work on eradicating them from your repertoire… The faster and cleaner the job the greater the impact on your relationship and more immediate the results you’ll notice. Have fun, it’s completely empowering… Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
