Because things are challenging it doesn’t mean we have to lose our s*t. This is the most important aspect of managing the current crisis. That is, to manage how we choose to process information and how we choose to look at the facts. How well are we able to separate the facts from the stories we tell ourselves about the facts… We are really good at taking ourselves on rides…
When we allow our thoughts to get the best of us, we flood our bandwidth with noise, we get whirly, we trigger ourselves, we cut off access to our higher thinking and problem solving capabilities and creativity, we don’t see the opportunities and the good in front of us. And, there is always good…, no matter what!
If we allow ourselves to get nutty, and allow the above to get the best of us, how are we to make good decisions, not react (different from respond), stay resourceful, take care of ourselves, stay healthy and embrace wellness, take good care of our kids, show up for our partner, see the opportunities to serve and help, become an innovator. Get my drift?
And, when we are all twisted up inside our head, we feel all twisted up, and then we act all twisted up. How is that for clinical language? LOL
When we are all twisted up, this is how you may show up in your relationship:
WARNING – this might look normal to you… But these are not qualities of a Successful Relationship and that’s why you are struggling…
- You complain about how your partner is doing themselves, the choices they make, how they show up, and how they contribute
- You might pick at them, put them down, criticize, undermine, undo and the like whatever efforts they are putting in
- You might not even see what they contribute, choosing to look at everything as an issue or it being done wrong
- You might feel compelled to tell them how they need to think, feel and show up
- You want to talk and address things even if they don’t want to, regardless that you might be triggered or it might not be the right time
- You go into a conversation making your partner wrong, blaming, putting down and the like
- You think you are right and go in with your gloves off, because you are upset you think it’s OK to throw out all skills, tools and civility
- You don’t see, own or acknowledge your part in it, never mind apologize
- You respond the same way to situations and try to solve them the same way, even if that didn’t work before; and the focus is to prove your point, meet your own needs, and get your way
- You lose sight of the fact that your partner is also human and imperfect, and on their own Journey
- You expect your partner to anticipate your needs, meet all your needs, know what’s up and address things as if they were you or an extension of you
- You give your partner love the way you like to receive love, have no clue that they might want something differently
- You expect your partner to want to do everything you want to do, when and how you want to
- You want your partner to be there when you need and want them to, regardless of if they are able to
- You want to spend a lot more time with your partner than they want to spend with you, and you take this personally or fight it
- You assume your partner is not attracted to you or interested in being intimate so don’t even attempt any physical closeness; or, you assume your partner only wants one thing and is not really interested in you or respect you otherwise
- You take on the brunt of the homemaking and joint life responsibilities (regardless of whatever good reason you think you have for this…) and become resentful about it and negative, whiney, passive aggressive, controlling and all kinds of not so awesomeness about it…
- You create a chaotic or military like home and complain your children are out of control (all other things happen with the children as well)
- Your home life feels overwhelming, exhausting, stifling, burdensome, irritating, joyless
- Your partner has all kinds of reasons for not being home, and if they are home they don’t feel like they are home…
What do these mean? They indicate poor self-management, unresolved issues, lack of sills and tools, and more… Poor:
- Mindset, expectations, personal ownership and sovereignty, and boundaries [Context/Mindset]
- Communication, conflict resolution and repair [Communication/Alignment]
- Understanding of self, drivers, needs, defense mechanisms [Clarity/Dynamics]
- Know-how on connecting, sustaining connection, receiving and giving love, being emotionally and physically intimate, having fun together (couple fun, not just family fun…) [Connection/Intimacy]
- Habits, routines, plans, resources, structures and systems [Collaboration/Partnership]
So, if you are not satisfied in your relationship (which you will be at some point or another in its lifespan – that’s just the way it is) and you are experiencing pain and aggravation, it doesn’t mean you have to endure it and suffer through it…
This is the time to be proactive, get attentive and invest in enriching and nurturing your relationship. This is the time to get support if what you’ve been trying hasn’t been working. Don’t wait till you do more damage! It’s hard to come back from severe damage, don’t become another statistic… It’s best to get on it early!
ASSIGNMENT: Take a hard look at your relationship and how you are showing up to it. Put yourself through the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ — Context, Communication, Clarity, Connection and Collaboration — and identify where you are not showing up with your Best Self… Note, if you need to:
- Clean up how you look at things and learn how to set effective boundaries
- Improve your communication and other interactive skills
- Heal and address some unresolved issues and change your patterns
- Learn how to Be with your partner
- Put systems in place to create a collaborative environment and joyful home
Creating a Successful Relationship is not difficult, it just requires Commitment… We don’t want you curious or interested in creating a successful relationship. To have an amazing relationship you have to be Committed to making that happen. Just as with anything else in life…
Let’s rock your relationship. Let’s create your Successful Relationship – now is the time…
Learn how to do this with our upcoming Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ (REB)!
As you might already know, given the current crisis in NYS I felt compelled to rework the REB virtual event, scheduled for on April 4th, to make it more accessible not only financially but also practically:
- I’m condensing the whole experience into a 1.5-hour presentation
- It’ll have a replay, downloadable material, and all the other perks
- AND, I’m now offering it for FREE
(You’ll get an account and access on our Member Site as if you were purchasing the event!)
If you are struggling, why keep white-knuckling it? Support is here now and very accessible. Please take advantage of this opportunity. See you inside!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.