Our relationship has a purpose. There is a reason for our relationship why we chose the partner we did. People, in more recent times, usually say they got married, or are involved in their relationship, because they love their partner, and/or have also other logical reasons why they decided to commit and stay with their partner. These are not the real reasons for why they are in their relationship! These are either socially correct or superficial reasons, and are ways for them to understand why they are with their partner.
Because partners use this lens, to interpret their relationship and interactions, there will be a time when they will get stuck in their relationship and be dissatisfied.
Individuals supposedly chose their partner for whatever reasons they told themselves: they love their partner and want to be with them, they invested a lot of time in the relationship, the partner has all the qualities they want in a partner, convenience, pregnancy, to have children, security, to get out of parents’ home, they were getting older and needed to settle down, etc. These reasons will inevitably not hold up to scrutiny to explain the partners’ reality, experiences, and interactions.
To make matters worse, partners continue to use this lens when they are looking to resolve their situation. If the logic is crooked, so will be the output! If you use rotten ingredients when cooking, your meal will not be tasty no matter what you do to it!!
The real purpose of our relationship is to meet our unconscious needs (heal childhood wounds and become complete). Inherently, the relationship is of an intimate nature, even if we don’t feel close, and our partner has the make up necessary to meet our needs. This is why we are unconsciously attracted to them in the first place! The trick is to figure out how to tap into this resource!!
To discover childhood wounds, partners need to ask themselves what is their major gripe about their parents/caretakers growing up. This can be translated into wounds by discovering how the parents’ hurtful behavior made them feel. This is then related to the present relationship and to how partners’ behaviors are making each other feel as they did growing up. Partners continue to re-wound each other when they are not aware of this connection. They can use this new awareness to start giving each other what they didn’t get growing up, thus, healing.
To achieve completeness, partners just need to look at their partner’s opposite characteristics, personality traits, and work on owning them for themselves.
This process, even though it is hard, is uplifting and renewing. When couples take off their blinders and see their relationship in these terms, things finally make sense. They understand their interactions and their hurts. They understand where their partner is coming from and realize they are not out to get them or not be there for them. Partners now become allies and are no longer enemies. This realization changes their lens from black to pink!
Partners now see the unconscious bond that has been holding them together. When they get it and work it they feel a sense of relief and are finally at peace and hopeful. They are ready to get unstuck and get their needs met. Now they have the ability to feel a true bond and inner connection!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment Have a heart-to-heart with your partner about your childhood histories and how you felt growing up. Share how you are re-wounding each other: which behaviors from your partner make you feel the same way you did growing up. Ask each other for concrete changes in those behaviors.
Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.