We can twist ourselves into a pretzel to get everything right in our relationship. We can wait for our partner to change. Or we can manipulate or control our partner into doing what we want. But none of these tactics work for creating our radiant and successful relationship, and joy in our life. Have you wondered how to change your relationship? The best way to create change in our relationship is to use connection and compassion…
I’ve been offering that to create change in our relationship, we have to change ourselves first. For this invites our partner to respond differently and hence shift the dynamic. And that is how we inspire our partner to change as well…
That is all true, but we can take the “change ourselves first” a bit too seriously and then feel discouraged and not even try…
What I want to offer today is some lightness into all this…
We CAN create the relationship we desire with our partner without turning ourselves into a pretzel, waiting for ever, or forcing our partner into anything… The way to do it is so simple that it almost flies under the radar… We tend to make things too complicated when they don’t have to be. Enriching our relationship is one such thing.
Change Your Relationship
So, what is this elusive tactic that is the magic bullet? The answer is to show up softer…
When we enter an interaction with our partner and they get defensive, reactive, and hijacked, that is our cue that they erected a wall. Now, no amount of pounding is going to get us through without both being unscathed.
In this case, the best approach is to try approaching them again with a softer approach. The softer approach will invite our partner to drop the wall and become available.
What does softer look like? Softer body language, softer voice and tone, softer language, softer energy…
Did you feel the shift in your body just reading that description? Imagine showing up shifted… Your partner doesn’t get physically and emotionally triggered- their unconscious and subconscious don’t need to erect protection… They don’t go into freeze, flight, or fight mode…
Going softer can be a challenge in and of itself if we are triggered, right? The key is to take a pause, take a deep belly breath, adjust ourselves, and then engage. Sometimes the pause needs to be longer than a breath if you are very activated… In that case, give your partner a heads up if appropriate- for sometimes discontinuing the engagement or not engaging at all is indicated, and then take a time out, a little break, to regroup, reset…
From the gentler place you can address your concern or needs, still being mindful of not aggressing your partner… Not going into their circle. Not judging or criticizing. Not making them wrong. Not canceling them. You do it by speaking your truth…
Speaking our truth can be challenging to do as well if you are disconnected from ourselves, and if our dynamics have been scary where we don’t feel safe showing up.
Please remember that your truth doesn’t mean that you are right, and that your partner is wrong- they have their own truth. Both partners are right in their own experience… Partners have a hard time with this.
They can’t hold space for both existing… This is why it’s so important that when you address your side that you don’t invalidate your partner’s… That you don’t go after them reinforcing whatever programs and triggers they have going on themselves… And to not confirm whatever fears they already have running rampant…
Going softer is a super simple tactic that does require a commitment on your part to do what it takes to show up softer… And to be mindful to speak your truth without canceling your partner in turn… Using your compassion should do the trick…
To know your truth and have the courage and wisdom to show up with it just requires connecting to yourself…
~ When you are disconnected from yourself, you are operating with your lower-self, blindly…
~ When you are connected with yourself, you are operating with your higher-self, brilliantly…
Note that when you operate from your higher-self, you are a lot more attractive and easier to connect with… Your partner won’t be running for the hills.
Here is an invitation to cultivate softness…
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APPLICATION: Take a moment to ponder what usually triggers you in your relationship with your partner, then:
~ Identify the stories and scripts that run through your mind
~ Identify the vulnerable feelings that come up
~ Identify where these feelings reside in your body
~ Identify what symptoms and ailments they create
~ Identify how you usually numb yourself, so you don’t have to feel your feelings
~ Identify what defenses you use when relating with your partner for protection
~ Recognize how you are living in a life hologram- not authentically you…
Start changing this by becoming more present in your life using mindfulness practices…
Creating the relationship you desire, doesn’t have to be hard work. It doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t have to feel impossible. It just requires a commitment to being nice to yourself and each other… 😉
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Complete the Relationship Enrichment Course to help you change your relationship and take it
to the next level!
Whether you need an overhaul or next level inspiration, this course helps you:
- Break the impasse, be empowered, feel hopeful and inspired again
- Improve your communication and deepen your understanding of each other
- Change your patterns and better meet your and your partner’s needs
- Enrich your connection, enhance your intimacy and truly enjoy being with each other
- Strengthen your partnership, strive towards your Joint Life Vision, role model a radiant and successful relationship
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Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
