Focusing on the things that are good for us, make us feel good, and create a stronger connection to our Self are massively important in our Journey. Not only do we feel good (haha, who doesn’t want that?), but this is imperative for creating our successful relationship, and meaningful life…
When we take care of ourselves, when we set effective boundaries, when we focus on personal development, when we invest in ourselves, when we expand our repertoire for pampering, fun, stimulation, interests and the like we become better at our Human Experience, closer to our Best/Higher Self, and increase our ability to Be a better Partner…
For as you know, we don’t need to white-knuckle anything in life… Specially, we don’t need to white-knuckle Being in relationship with our partner… A lot of times partners focus so much on all the behavior changes and long a**s list of things to do and not to do to please their partner… This is not the way…
I remember a conversation with a client who before this concept clicked, was keeping a running list of all the things to “work on”, “be better at”, “do differently”. At one point he said something like, I just can’t hang on to all these behaviors in my head, I’m going to miss something and mess up.
What we worked on was to focus on how to Be the person and partner he wanted to Be, not how to change a list of behaviors. For, when we are who we want to Be, our Best Self, the behaviors follow suit… There is no white-knuckling in that.
And, when we are our Best Self, our most Authentic Self we can muster in the moment, we are aligned, inspired, connected, full of love. No bad behavior or outcome ever comes from this state…
There is a protocol that helps us shift and align so we can Master Being Our Self:
What you think creates
How you feel
Which influences your actions
Which creates your results…
Going straight for changing the behaviors before you changed your thinking is challenging. I’m sure you have experience with this in different areas of your life: dieting, exercising, sleeping, connecting, creating, and all the rest of it…
The behavior-change or action is not sustainable as an ongoing behavior change on its own because its driver wasn’t changed. The behavior change on its own right requires will power and ongoing decisions to continue to be carried out:
– Every morning you convince yourself to snuggle for a bit and hit the snooze button for an hour
– Every morning you ponder if you should go to the gym and talk yourself out of it
– Every evening you think about getting closer, in proximity, to your partner for connection to then clean the kitchen, fall asleep in your kid’s bed, or binge watch Netflix
Know what I mean? Why are these things even decisions or options?
This is troublesome because willpower can be finite for a multitude of reason… Including decision-fatigue… If every little thing has to be debated and decided on, we’d never get anything done and we’d burn out before we know it. Or, even worse we could not be intentional, self-owning and alive in our life and create a life by default instead. And, then one day we’d wake up to the reality we created – not so pretty.
What’s required is a change in thinking, a mindset shift. A mindset shift is permanent. Once you change your thinking and believes the rest flows easily from there. Constant ongoing decisions, remembering long lists, fighting your mindless approach, and walking on eggshells is no longer the norm.
Once the shift happens the behaviors don’t require choosing, deciding, and white-knuckling. This is because they are now flowing from your core Self, who you are, your love and they are in alignment with your values, they flow from your intentional and systematized habits and routines, they are part of your lifestyle and how things are. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about.
Isn’t that much easier? This applies to everything in our life, from health and wellness, to being in relationship to creating a meaningful life. It behooves us to monitor and clean our thoughts, to upgrade our believes, to identify and own our values, to Stay Connected with our Self. This is where all the yumminess is. This is who our partner fell in love with to begin with… And, then we got busy and erected defenses and things started going south.
Reconnect with yourself. Fully own and take care of yourself. Cherish yourself. And, even indulge yourself – with good stuff… And, then show up to your relationship, and your life…
ASSIGNMENT: Identify how you are white-knuckling in your relationship – do you always run late, do you forget to touch base with your partner, do you make plans without consulting them, do you finish eating before your partner makes their plate, do you have an extra drink, do you buy junk food, do you go against them in front of the kids.
What’s your flavor of undermining, rebelling, not owning yourself, not showing up that then you have to fight yourself not to do?
What is the theme to the items you identified? Does is have to do with accountability, conscientious, honesty, transparency, control, vulnerability, equality, worthiness, self-agency…
It might not be so easy to find the items you are white-knuckling on, they are so ingrained that you think this is how you are, your partner is, the flavor of your relationship.
But, I beg to differ and encourage you to observe, pause judgement and witness, with compassion. Just see yourself and your partner in your dance. Identify those items. This is the first step in liberating yourself from the shackles holding you back…
It might also not be easy to name your theme. If you want a transformation, play with gusto. Invest in getting it, keep at it until you get it…
Then invest in addressing the dirty thinking and limiting believes driving it. Dismantle the dirty, the illogical, the old and no longer true, etc.
Create new thoughts to replace the old that are more in Alignment with who you are Becoming, who you really are…
It helps to do this when Connected with your Higher Self… For then you are your Best Self…
This is how you create a mindset shift, reprogram yourself, how you create a new operating system, how you can flow with ease and stop the white-knuckling for now everything you do flows from an updated version of you…
And, when You show up, your Partner feels you and responds in kind, and now you can create your Successful Relationship… Connect, Shift, Show-up
DRUM ROLL PLEASE…
You can now register, Yay!, for our upcoming 1day virtual workshop on 4/4:
This is going to be such an incredible event. It is the most comprehensive, insightful and laser-focused work of its kind. It’s our work in its most streamlined form. It’s years of personal development and relationship enrichment condensed into this 1Day Experience.
It captures a Transformation Process in easy to implement tactics. You’ll have my brain downloaded and proven targeted strategies at your fingertips. LOL
The day is packed with thought-provoking, mindset shift concepts and simple, yet extremely powerful and transformational, easily implementable tools for immediate results.
You’ll learn how to:
~ 1 ~ Easily get on the same page and break the impasse
~ 2 ~ Improve your communication and resolve recurring arguments
~ 3 ~ Change your patterns and meet your needs
~ 4 ~ Increase your connection, intimacy and fun
~ 5 ~ And, create a strong partnership
You will love it! I’m so sure of it, that I’m even offering a moneyback guarantee.
Don’t delay, register now to get the very cool bonuses I’m offering as well. You can read more about this awesomeness here.
AND, because it’s a debut and celebratory event (more on this in upcoming notes!), it is super discounted. This is a onetime opportunity. If you are interested in a deeper dive with the concepts I write, and preach about (LOL), this is your chance to get it with this amazing deal. Register now!
I hope you join us at this Epic event!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.