That’s right. It is not easy to Receive. Some of you might question this statement and might be thinking: “Hey, bring on that diamond necklace or that new set of golf clubs!” – but just sit with it and see how it does make sense… As always, as presented by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in Receiving Love, it all goes back to back then…
Once upon a time, we were born whole human beings, but because of our caregivers’ imperfect parenting, disapproval and messages that it is not OK to be needy (because they couldn’t possibly meet all of our needs!), we learned not to use and show certain parts of ourselves including our needs.
We learned self-rejection early on. We started then identifying what gets approval and support and what doesn’t, and the parts of us that didn’t meet the criteria got scrapped (lost to the unconscious). This is bad news because we chopped our self up and are now functioning with a partial conscious self, a self that is limited and also denies its needs.
We are going through life with a limited source of skills, resources, characteristics, and emotional and behavioral options. As a result we created defenses to assist us cope with life.
These are reactive and dysfunctional (self-indulgent or denying in nature) and include things like becoming disconnected, controlling and micromanaging, guarded, self-absorbed, addicted, symbiotic, and/or abusive. These defenses indicate self-rejection. They show how we do not own parts of ourselves and how we need to compensate.
Part of this survival mechanism, is that unconsciously we strive to become whole and the safest way we know how is to project our scrapped parts onto our partner. Therefore, in relationship we feel whole. But, when we see these parts in our partner, we reject them there as well – it is too painful to become aware of our missing parts.
We reject not only those parts but anything positive, accepting and loving coming our way. We can not accept gifts because they do not fit the picture we have created of our Self. We made ourselves be less-than and non-deserving! We made us have no needs, so we don’t need…
The degree of self-rejection is the degree to which we can not Receive. Not Receiving from our partner comes in different forms such as:
- Deflecting anything positive
- Refusing gifts or help, and being dissatisfied or finding fault with what is given
- Not listening
- Criticizing, dismissing, discounting and devaluing
- Depriving yourself and your partner of things that make life joyful such as sex, creativity, laughter, and fun
- Hearing criticism and not praise, or hearing praise as criticism
There are many gifts floating Between you waiting to be accepted and Received. Don’t make your Relationship the “island of misfit gifts“!
Happy Receiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Here is your RX for daily wellbeing, peace and happiness: Appreciation Dose 3x / Day. Identify what characteristics in your partner irk you the most. Ask yourself how you are like the traits you dislike in your partner… How can you start to reclaim this lost / rejected part of your Self? How can you start to constructively integrate this part back into your life?
Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
