I often find that couples hold a fairy tale expectation of happily ever after, for which I chide them. I dismiss this notion not because it seems unrealistic, but because couples go about creating their fairy tale all wrong. For you see, “happy endings” are possible… This is called unconditional Love…
I used to think unconditional love in and of itself was unrealistic, but boy was I wrong! I myself, bought into the self-preservation approach to love. That being in a committed relationship and loving someone had to look a certain way, my way…
And, since I’m the Relationship Expert, I knew best! (my poor husband…). Talk about being egocentric… Can you imagine living with a know-it-all, always right, “their s***t don’t stink” person? I’m sure you can…
The moment I “detached” from outcomes, let go of my way, and “freed” my husband to be himself, is when everything changed… I actually beheld my husband for the first time in many years… I know that leap of faith, letting go of control, and trusting that you’d be OK is nauseatingly scary. It is also painful.
As you let go of preconceived notions, “attachments”, and your usual way of being it feels at first like a loss and like your world is upside down… This is the worst of it (taming your ego…) and I know you can get through it… The rest is magical (embracing your and your partner’s Authentic Selves)…
Please understand that true and unconditional love creates freedom, the flame that fuels healing, growth, change, creativity, self-expression, aliveness and joy. This is the Key to our Authentic Self. When we hold dear conditional love, what I call the self-preservation approach to love, we snuff out the flame. Conditional love flows from egocentrism and separatism, fear.
When we have conditions that need to be met, we are saying, “I’m afraid that __________”. This is a restrictive way of being and loving to “make sure” we get what we want, when in actuality this prevents our partner from being and giving from their awesomest self… We are cheating ourselves of something better that actually meets our needs even better!
Conditions are stifling. When we set conditions and parameters we truncate the opportunity for growth and change. We resist change, we resist something different, we resist our partner’s ways, and what we resist persists (a universal law…). Conditional love is your love of love, not love of your partner… Built into conditional love is the fear that your needs won’t be met and you won’t be OK.
But you invariably are guarantying this by restricting your partner from fully showing up for you! Conditional love does not allow for expansion, inclusiveness, connection, and Authenticity.
Conditionality restricts freedom and happiness as we are tied to conditions and outcomes… It eliminates our ability to choose how to show up, Be our best Self, and be Happy at any given moment. You are doing yourself and your relationship a huge disservice by holding on to your fairy tale conditional self-preservation and rescuing approach to love.
You are actually setting up your relationship to fail right off the gate. “Happy endings” are guaranteed only when there is a freedom and unconditional (accepting and compassionate) approach to Love. Take your risk now – accept, detach, and let go!
Happy Unconditional Loving!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think about the “conditions” you hold your partner to in your relationship. Think about how these can be restrictive to them. How do they limit your partner from embracing their Authentic Self, for your sake…? Note how at the end of the day, neither of you is satisfied… Decide to let go of this “condition” and inform your partner of how you are “freeing” them of this condition (no strings attached please!).
This is an act of Love, a Gift (to both of you!)…
Accept, Detach, and Let Go!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.