What we Focus on is what we Create…
- Something happens or Is
- We observe that, we assign it meaning and have thoughts and opinions about it
- Which create how we feel, our mood, our energy…
- Which in turn inform how we react, operate, and behave
- And, what we do and how we show up creates our results, our life and everything in it…
What’s important to note here is that what happens or what Is doesn’t impact how we feel, how we choose to look at it and think about it is what impacts how we feel… This is a major concept to absorb. The sooner you get it the sooner you’ll be in charge of your experience, and creating the life and relationship you desire…
This is very obvious to me in my work as what bothers one partner might not necessarily bother another. What is a thing in a relationship, is not a thing in another… If the thing that Is were the issue, it would be an issue for everyone…
We all make of things what we make of them, and this is what informs and creates our experience… When we remove the bias, sensitivity, judgment, criticism, and the like, and observe something as neutral, as just what Is, and choose how we look at it – ah, now we are in charge of our experience, of our feelings and what we create. Now we are the Master of our world…
So, back to couples. I’m sure you’ve noticed that how you experience the moments and exchanges in your relationship might be very different to how your partner experiences them… Again, this is super obvious in sessions with our clients. They share an incident, situation or something they want to address and they both had their own experience of it… Surprise! LOL
And, they are both right. This is very frustrating to the partners as they each want to be right… But, both their experiences are right. They are each partners’ truths. Therefore, both valid…
I remember a client, who being from a different country and with tentative English at times, would say, You cancel me! That was so amazing to witness. The different use of language was so illustrative. One partner’s experience does not supersede or invalidate the other’s.
The key is to hold space for both experiences, to understand each other, and to show the other that we get them and appreciate them, warts and all… Now, that is a Gift!
This brings me to what is the best Relationship Mindset so you CAN create your Successful Relationship:
–Your partner is your Partner with capital P. They are your Person… They are the person you chose, usually unwittingly and contrary to your belief that you “chose” them for whatever reason you think… Our attraction is actually an unconscious process… Understanding this helps in understanding that your partner is actually the partner you need… The match is For you. You are together to work stuff out, to evolve and to Become your true self…
–Your partner is therefore a Gift for you. For in relationship with them your sensitivities get poked, you get triggered, you are challenged, you are annoyed and therein lies the opportunity for growth and evolution… Allowing the inconvenience of this to torture us is a shame.
–Your partner is your Ally against the dynamics that were unconsciously created and the patterns you cocreate and repeat. These are opportunities for development and healing. To become frustrated, stuck and give up is a tremendous loss. Our relationship and life are much easier when we are Allies vs enemies…
–Your partner is also human, and having a Human Experience… It is unfair to expect them to be perfect. It is unfair, unwise, to want them to change and be who you think they should be or how they should be. It is unfair to expect them to meet all your needs. It is unfair to expect them to mindread you, automatically know what you need and have their world revolve around you… You want to make sure you live your Life to the fullest through a wonderfully flowing Interdependence, not dependence, independence or codependence…
–Though you are a couple, a partnership, you are still two separate individuals with your own Lives… Your partner brings with them their own Journey, purpose, mission, talents and passions. When you are on the same page and synchronized you get to Synergize and Align… From this place you Create Awesomeness…
When you embrace this perspective and mindset, you are able to observe what is happening with a much different lens and:
- Now you are not owning, blaming, criticizing, shaming, judging and the like.
- Now you are much more likely to understand, give grace, be flexible, have compassion and the like.
You see the difference? When you take the higher road, Transcend the mundane and the imperfection, you’ll see possibilities, you’ll see beauty, you’ll see Gifts, you’ll see Love, and you’ll feel great and you’ll find the way and you’ll create what you Desire… Now this is what I’m talking about!
So, mind your mind! Choose your Mindset. Be vigilant about sticking with Transcendental thinking and coming back to it when you go a little sideways (thinking your partner is out to get you, that they don’t care, that it can’t work because you are too different, etc.).
Be always cleaning your thinking for then you’ll feel better, you’ll show up better, and you’ll get better results!
ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of your relationship, your partner, and your life together.
Notice, that all that you came up with are your thoughts. There might be some facts in there (like you’ve been married for this long, you have two children, your partner is taller than you, you own your home, you have such networth, and the like). The rest are mere thoughts, stories you make up about the relationship and your partner…
These thoughts influence how you feel in the relationship and your life, about your relationship, and about your partner. It’s time to course correct and Align with the Successful Relationship Mindset (SRM)…
A- Revisit what you came up with and reframe it according to the SRM.
B- Answer these:
1- How is your partner the partner you need? What dynamics are you cocreating to have a chance at healing and evolving?
2- How does your partner trigger your sensitivities? How can you respond differently?
3- What sensitivities do you trigger in your partner? How can you be mindful not to do so?
4- How can you support your Partner’s Journey? What do you need to ask of your Partner for them to better support your Journey?
5- What do you need to get on the same page about? What do you need to put in place to synchronize?
Select a list item above to play with this upcoming week: Observe. Be curious. Question. Discuss. Address. Let go. Uplevel. Get support. Keep on.
When you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, EVERYTHING changes…
When you choose to think clean and beautifully, when you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, you Empower yourself, you see your Partner in their Truth and Essence, and you Know you CAN create a Successful Relationship…
Here is to creating your radiant, authentic and successful relationship!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.