Isn’t it sad that most couples are not happy or that relationships are barely working as the partners wish? I attribute this to a lack of courage, to fear. For you see, we tend to lead with our defenses, protection and ego in our relationship. We are not attractive when we use our porcupine mode to approach our partner. Then we wonder how come we don’t get what we desire.
What would happen if we stopped being the dragon (the pursuer) or the turtle (the distancer) in our relationship? What would happen if we laid it all out, and just showed up with our vulnerable Self? I hear your defenses come up… Hang in there with me… I have heard time and again from partners that when they do show up, the partners don’t want them making their worst nightmares a reality…
Well, first let me commend you for even having gotten this far. The fact that you have this experience means you are playing with this concept, which is more than what most are doing. Some can’t let down their defenses if their actual physical lives depended on it.
I know they can’t let down their defenses because there is an unconscious fear of a psychological and emotional (existential) death, hence our strong attachment to our defense mechanisms. But you are pushing through. Good for you!
Second, it might feel like your partner doesn’t want you, but that is not true… At this juncture you are fragile, vulnerable, and engaged in a new delicate dance. This is scary… But, remember your partner is in the same dance with you… It’s scary for them too…
Remember our relationship is the fertile and, believe it or not, safe ground for us to shed our defenses and embrace our Authentic Self. As unsafe as our relationship might feel at times, this is the safest place for us to try our training wheels on… Our relationship is our gift and opportunity for us to do our healing, growing, stretching, and learning.
For even when we feel at risk and in pain, at the end of the day our partner loves us and still wants what is best for us. (Quite down those defenses and stick with me…).
I know that at times the above is difficult to believe but if we just quiet down enough and connect with our core Self, we’d know we are safe and that all is good and for a reason… When you are in doubt mode and in pain, leave your partner out of it and think about why you are here.
Why is this happening? What is the message? What are you supposed to be learning? What are you supposed to be doing differently? How are you supposed to be stretching? What other part of you are you supposed to be embracing? It is imperative that you frame it as yet another opportunity to do your thing. This is where change happens…
It is easy to leave, to run, and to do the usual. It takes courage to think outside the box, to stretch, to try something different, to put down our defenses.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog comment area!
Happy Stretching!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pick an area, topic, or situation in your relationship where you feel shame for not having the courage to address it. Leaving your partner, and how much they “suck”, out of your thought process, think about how this situation is about you… How are you being untrustworthy? How are you being unaccountable?
How are you being distant and unavailable? How are you not being vulnerable? How are you truncating the flow of giving and receiving? How are you hypersensitive, paranoid, narcissistic, rigid, demanding, critical, etc.? How are your defenses still showing up?
Pick one of the things that came up in your self-exploration and decide to share this with your partner.
Choose a time and place to share it and be vulnerable. Create safety around it for both of you by setting parameters and intentions before hand. Be mindful of your delivery as to not trigger your partner but induce compassion instead…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
