A common theme I find in struggling relationships, is partners owning each other…
Partners fall in love with their partner, to then want to change their partner and the very characteristics they fell in love with in the first place! This is not pretty. This is not sexy. This is crazy making!
When partners want to change each other, they are in fact owning each other. When one tries to tell another how to think, how to feel, what to do – how to be, they are in essence owning them as they believe they have the right or obligation to this attitude… The problem is that this way of operating in a relationship, or in life for that matter, is not healthy. It disempowers the other as they can’t be themselves and it disempowers us as we are not minding ourselves by being too preoccupied with focusing on the other… It is a complete lose-lose situation.
When the partners operate from this Codependent (enmeshed, undifferentiated, symbiotic) place, they get stuck in dissatisfying relating, repeating less than optimal patterns and in relationship(s) that are not rewarding, supportive or loving. They also, can’t move forward in their relationship, their life, or grow, heal and evolve as human beings. Ouch!
The antidote to this desperate scenario is for the partners to lovingly, mindfully and responsively detach while remaining in connection… This means not hanging your hat on outcomes but being open, flexible and curious about your Self, your Partner and your Relationship. Embracing each day as an adventure and with an open heart.
More specifically, it means:
If you are the one that needs to be together to feel OK – that you learn to sit with your Self, stand still, quite your insides, contain and self soothe… (opposed to being controlling…)
If you are the one that needs space to feel OK – that you learn to access your memories, feelings, and needs and to share them… (opposed to being passive-aggressive…)
This dichotomy is not always this black and white – life is a whole range of gray after all… But, I present this in its polarized version for the sake of exemplifying how this typically plays out in couples that struggle. Note also, that these partners usually pair up creating a debilitating and dissatisfying loop of interacting that feels hopeless.
But, as the partners do their work and together fight the loop’s mesmerizing pull, they awaken to their true Selves, break the cycle and create a rewarding Interdependent Loving Relationship.
Now they can Authentically be with each other and bring their best to their interactions. When both partners do this, they create a genuine loving, nurturing, mindful and exciting relationship that supports their life’s journey. This is sexy!
Happy Loving!
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Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
