This time of year, and specially with everything that’s going on, we might be feeling raw, sensitive, antsy, edgy, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, unmotivated, lethargic, detached numb, and such.
These feelings are more compounded when we are feeling disconnected, might be experiencing a bout of low intimacy, and have fewer opportunities for fun. This doesn’t help the low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic of the modern-day couple…
A challenging trifecta: Feeling disconnected from our partner is usually accompanied by low desire and intimacy.
We need connection to be physically intimate (usually women, female energy) and/or we need physical intimacy to be connected (usually men, male energy)… This creates a conundrum for couples.
This conundrum has a tendency to create an impasse for couples, for the partners might need the opposite of what the other needs to become intimate and feel connected… Made even more challenging by physical intimacy also depending on the partners’ desire (libido, sex drive) and their ability to be intimate…
You’d think it’d be easy to enjoy the benefit and gift of physical intimacy in our relationship!
There is so much that gets in the way of desire and intimacy for partners…
The 5 culprits of low intimacy (totally exacerbated with the ongoing pandemic!). In a nutshell:
- Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
- Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
- Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
- Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
- Boredom – there isn’t enough positive stimulation in your life and relationship
Your desire is at the mercy of your physiology and psychology:
- Hormones which regulate energy, drive, motivation, mood and even your arousal
- Self-esteem
- Body image
Your desire and intimacy are at risk with any actual physical or medical conditions:
- Cardiovascular disease
- Diabetes
- Prostate cancer
- Breast cancer
- Childbirth
- Menopause/Andropause
- To name a few
Stress has a huge impact on your wellbeing, lifestyle and coping choices which in turn also affect your libido. We all have our stresses, and our current world is just heaping it on. And no comment on the impact on lifestyle…
And of course, then we have the actual couple dynamics, and most likely your power struggle, at play to boot!
Not for nothing the modern-day couple (and specially during this pandemic times) has difficulties sustaining consistent and satisfying intimacy in their relationship.
There are a ton of entry points from where to address your current low desire and lack of intimacy. Addressing any (or combo as needed) of the items mentioned above will make a difference in your current state of affairs.
But I want to offer you the most direct path for more immediate relief… You see, your libido, sexuality and physical intimacy with your partner is what you make of it… At the end of the day, desire and intimacy is an inside job…
You have control over your own desire… When you focus on what your partner is doing, how they look, how they are showing up, what they contribute and such, you are extinguishing your desire… Desire is not about your partner. Desire is about you!
Desire as an inside job has to do with How You Choose To:
- Create health and vitality
- Look at your partner (get out of their circle!)
- Interact and bring Swag
- Be available and have energy
- Ready yourself for sexy time
- Relax and show up
- Be grace-full, grateful, and generous
So, you see, desire and intimacy are not something that are happening out there and that depend on your partner. Desire and intimacy are something you create…
When you shift to looking at desire and intimacy as something you create, then you can create as much of it as you want!
ASSIGNMENT: Watch what scripts came up for you as you read this post, and as you percolate with this concept…
1. Mind how you:
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- Victimize yourself
- Get in your partner’s circle
- Entertain your limiting believes
- Sabotage intimacy
- Have a hard time trusting and letting go
- Are stingy giving, receiving, allowing
- Are not fully Being…
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2. Make a commitment to Be in your relationship…
3. Select the item that resonates the most as something that gets in the way of your intimacy and decide to address it full on!
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- Create health and vitality
- Look at your partner (get out of their circle!)
- Interact and bring Swag
- Be available and have energy
- Ready yourself for sexy time
- Relax and show up
- Be grace-full, grateful, and generous
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Taking charge of your desire and intimacy is super empowering and exhilarating! What better time to embrace this as we continue to be impacted by the pandemic, are starting a new year, and are right around the corner from Valentine’s Day…
Make a commitment to reset your relationship and your marriage. Why not create a new marriage, or new relationship?! Let’s do this!
Happy Desiring!
PS – Related Posts:
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
Break the barrier to connection
Flexibility enables connection
Perception, mood and connection
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey?
Are you being nice to your partner?
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Follow the path to passion and synergy
How to get more love from your partner
Yes, you can love too much…
How focusing can save your relationship
How to save your relationship
Start a new relationship, with your partner
Resource yourself, uplevel your marriage
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
