Post Valentine’s Day Blues are real… There is even a thing as “Anti Valentine’s Day Week”… This week is not just for those that don’t believe on the mushy holiday, but also for those who are disappointed by it. Regardless of what camp you are in on the holiday and your Valentine’s Day experience, you can use this week to enrich your relationship. I say you – do it again, do it over, or do it after all…

This idea has to do with not wasting any opportunities to be loving, nurturing, and generous. So, whether you don’t care about Valentine’s Day, had a phenomenal experience, or had a terrible experience here is another opportunity to celebrate and enjoy each other…

~ Now, I get that you really might not give a hoot about Valentine’s Day – to that I say forget the Valentine’s Day concept behind this suggestion. Instead focus on the message.

The message is to do something amazing for and with your partner. Yes, you can do that anytime you don’t need this holiday for that. True. So, again, ignore the holiday and take the prompt to do something special and enjoy each other. Partners are neglecting each other more than ever right about now. So, whatever it takes, feel the nudge. Why not take a nudge to be loving any time, even this time?

~ You might have had an amazing Valentine’s Day. You get a Gold Star! It is not easy to plan, make the time, nurture and give, and enjoy good things… Specially with our partner…

So, why not do it again? And again? And again…? The point in this scenario is not to keep doing Valentine’s Day, but to keep nurturing your relationship just as much and as well. If we only gave our relationship as much attention and nurturing as we give other things in our life… Can you see the possibilities for your relationship?!

~ Right now, I actually want to support those who didn’t have a great experience for Valentine’s Day. They wanted to. They tried. But it was still a flop and didn’t get what they desired.

If this is you, you are not alone.

Why You Didn’t Have a Great Valentine’s Day

You might have set out to have a great Valentine’s Day or you got the flowers and the sweets, yet it all felt mechanical, empty and flat.

Valentine’s Day, or Anniversaries, or Mother’s and Father’s Days, or Birthdays for that matter, don’t have to do with the doing and the buying… This is partly where partner’s go wrong. Partners get hang up on the hoopla, or lack thereof, and miss the point of these celebrations…

The point to any celebration is to celebrate the people involved.

These celebrations have to do with acknowledging a partner’s brilliance, uniqueness, commitment, devotion, loyalty, contributions, accomplishments and how they make a positive difference in our life.

When we have celebrations, we might not do a great job of acknowledging and celebrating the people, and the relationship.

Celebrations become about the stuff and not the experience of spotlighting the awesomeness… Therein lies the rub…

People usually have a strong negativity bias, unless they are from Mars. Just kidding. Unless they are in the minority who don’t, for varied reasons. Or, if they’ve worked on reprogramming themselves and continue to be very intentional about focusing on the positives vs. the negatives…

When a person has a strong negativity bias, they filter every experience with a fear-based lens as a survival mechanism. They live in a blind-like state missing out on the awesomeness and the possibilities…

They notice and focus on everything that’s out of place, everything that’s wrong, everything that can be improved, everything that can be different or better, and such… This is not coming from a desire to continually evolve. This is coming from lack and deprivation and as a survival tactic… Very different.

So, I’m sure you can see how this plays out in our relationship… If one or both partners are constantly negatively focused, they’ll have a tendency to complain, nitpick, criticize, control, nag, micromanage, and the like.

And do you know what happens when partner’s do this? The other dismisses, minimizes, shuts down, withdraws, or chooses not to contribute (intentionally or not…).

You might take turns showing up with these defenses. Or, more likely you have polarized into one or the other style.

What happens when partners polarize? Their dynamics get stuck. They keep having the same recurring arguments, the same way. They can’t seem to resolve concerns or issues. They have a hard time getting on the same page and collaborating.

And, most importantly, when partners polarize, they feel disconnected, unloved, taken for granted and the like… They don’t know how to connect, have fun together and enjoy each other…

Well then, doesn’t it make sense that if a partner, or both, have been in a funk of any kind pre-pandemic, and even more so now with our global situation, that they’d have their negativity bias running rampant? And, if that’s the case, that they’d create funky dynamics and feel stuck in their relationship?

Then how are they supposed to see and acknowledge the beauty in their partner? How are they to celebrate their partner when they barely see them?

And, how are they to celebrate their relationship when they might not feel there is anything great to celebrate?

Doesn’t it make sense then that Valentine’s Day was rough??

How to Get Back to Loving…

The key here is not to go at Valentine’s Day or any celebration with a traditional approach. The solution is to address the state of your relationship…

And this is not by talking about the relationship… This is by focusing on Enriching Your Relationship. It’s about turning up the dial on how you show up, what you put in, and how grace-full and gracious you are… It’s about:

• Minding your minds
• Working at communication
• Addressing triggers and meeting needs
• Creating and nurturing connection
• Cracking collaboration

Then you see your partner. Then you see their beauty. Then you love the relationship.

When you mind your relationship, you can celebrate your partner and your relationship…

This is a work in progress, so in the meantime the simplest thing to do is not to run the other way and to ignore the disappointing Valentine’s Day.

The thing to do is to try a celebration again… You don’t have to do the pink and red, but rather set up time to spotlight any awesomeness you are able to see and share the love you know you have… You might not be feeling the love right about now, but you know it’s there…

Set up the opportunity to connect and enjoy.

Here is another chance at Love. Take a risk, take advantage. There is nothing to lose.   

ASSIGNMENT:  Invite your partner to a Date. Include all the elements you know they enjoy. And, show up with your Best Self and best of intentions to please and be pleased. Look for and bask in what’s great. Enjoy!

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

Happy Pleasing!

 

PS – Related Posts: 
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse? 
Break the barrier to connection
Flexibility enables connection
Perception, mood and connection
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey?
Are you being nice to your partner?
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Follow the path to passion and synergy
How to get more love from your partner
Yes, you can love too much…
How focusing can save your relationship
How to save your relationship
Start a new relationship, with your partner
Resource yourself, uplevel your marriage

 

   Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com