Are you victimizing yourself, or are you being proactive in your life? Pick something to take charge of, to focus on, and Focus on it till you get the results you want… Let’s do this!
This applies to anything in your life, obviously your relationship as well… As I usually share, partners have a tendency to focus how their partner is being, how their partner is thinking or looking at something, how their partner is feeling, what their partner is doing, how their partner is spending their time, how their partner is grooming, how their partner goes to the bathroom (sarcasm)…
Partners are so other focused that they lose sight of Focusing on their side of things…
When partners focus on their partner’s side, they forget their own side – how to be nice, to show up with understanding and compassion, to nurture, to eat healthy, to own their calendar, etc. They put their energy on things outside their control and end up neglecting their side, and feeling like crap!
When partners focus on the other, they miss out on monitoring and addressing their own crooked/dirty thoughts, their inner critic, their negativity bias and confirmation bias, their limiting beliefs, their scripts, their shadows, their unspoken and even unknown expectations and so much more that is happening on their side…
Our relationship/interactions are %80 about us, how we show up, how we interpret what’s happening, and what we contribute.
Our relationship/interactions our %20 about our partner, how they show up, how they interpret what’s happening, and what they contribute…
Our relationship is the thoughts we have about it!
I bet you never thought of your relationship this way… You can make a case for being so in love with your partner, just as much as you can make a case for how your partner sucks. In the same conversation, with the same data! It all depends on what you choose to make of it…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Ego-fear based lens, you’ll will see how it’s not the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s shortcomings, you will see their imperfections, you will see everything you don’t like about your partner and what they do, you will see everything that you think is wrong…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Heart-compassion based lens, you will see how your relationship is the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s gifts and strengths, you will see their caring gestures and investments/efforts, you will see everything you love about them and what they do, you will see the work in progress and the Journey that you are both on, and how great it is…
If you are huffing and puffing at that, it’s OK. We are all on the spectrum of our personal evolution… It is not easy to see the silver-lining, the good, the opportunity and the rest of it. It is not easy to take the high-road. It is not easy to Focus on our side.
Our %80 can keep us busy, but this doesn’t mean we don’t address the %20 our partner is contributing to our pain. The key is to address it in the context of our %80 and with skill… Because we are “wronged” doesn’t mean we debase ourselves… It doesn’t mean we de-Self…
ASSIGNMENT: For the next few days, take note of where you usually place your Focus…
- Notice how you are usually focusing on your partner’s %20, in terms of the relationship…
- What is the Secondary Gain of focusing on your partner instead of Focusing on yourself? What do you get out of not Focusing on your side…? What is easier left alone, or ignored? What is not working in your life for you, outside of your partner?
- How else do you distract yourself, aside from focusing and picking on your partner, from what you are supposed to be doing for yourself and in your Life?
- Make a list of everything that is coming up. Separate out things you would like to be different in your life that are in your Sphere-of-Influence (in your Circle)… Don’t list the weather sucks, your partner sucks, your boss sucks. LOL You have no control over them… You can list that: You’d prefer to live in warmer weather climate, you’d like a different approach to Date Night with your partner, you don’t love your job or employment situation. You see how you can take actions and influence the outcome to meet your needs when you address stuff from your Circle.
- Pick 1 item from your list to Focus on till you fully addressed it.
Have fun easily creating change in your relationship and your life, and feeling amazing as you do it! Enjoy!
Our job in this Human Experience is to do our side to the best of our ability and to keep striving for doing it better. To keep striving for Becoming our Best Self. Our partner is our playmate in this playground.
Let’s play nice!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.