If we know anything about relationships, we know that as time passes the passion in a relationship fizzles out, right? Wrong… This is such an erroneous belief. And experts reinforce it by talking about Mature Love- how we move from infatuation and being in love, to mature love with more sensible feelings…
What a load of you know what! When we are in a long-term relationship it doesn’t mean that our attraction and passion should dwindle over time… People are looking at this all wrong, when they should really be looking at this as love and desire are on opposite sides of the spectrum…
For you see, Love is about feeling security, having stability and safety, being known, valued, respected or protected, being a couple and having togetherness.
Whereas Desire is about feeling passion, having fascination and yearning, being wanted, taken, devoured or consumed, being an individual and having separateness.
When couples struggle in their relationship, it is first how they do Love that needs attention. The partners are not feeling secure, stable, safe, known, valued, respected, protected- strong as a couple. They feel so insecure that they power-struggle to be known and get their needs met… Their relationship is riddled with fighting, disagreement and/or disconnection.
When partners first meet, they have Desire as all the characteristics of desire are present. But as the relationship settles down and further levels of commitment come about, the same characteristics cause insecurities and triggers moving the couple from the infatuation stage of their relationship into the power struggle stage… This is when they join the ranks of the low desire and low intimacy epidemic…
This is why affairs with other people are hot, until those involved dump their partner and make the affair person their new partner and then that hotness goes out the window!
Couples can get stuck in the power-struggle for a lifetime or not make it as a couple unless they are proactive and intentional about getting through this stage. At this juncture the couple is trying to mitigate the triggers and feel Loved. In this quest, all the characteristics inherent in feeling Desire get lost… The couple moves from one side of the spectrum to the other…
Marriage counseling, couple therapy, and relationship coaching usually come in at this point. The couple is not getting along, their intimacy is in the toilet, and all their attempts at remedying this is making the situation worse… Once the couple addresses getting along and feeling loved they are content in their relationship, they feel happy and are satisfied.
The problem here is that once this is achieved, the partners feel good to go and stop exploring the possibilities and synergy inherent in their relationship… This is when the possibilities are endless… And, when continued attention on evolving the relationship helps the partners create their Epic Love Affair that not only is secure and meaningful, but also passionate…
When the getting along is achieved, the couple is ready to explore playing along the spectrum… Now they can bring back characteristics that create Desire without them being triggers in their relationship as security has been established, you see?
They can create and enjoy a passionate relationship, an epic love affair, by integrating tactics into their lifestyle and intimate repertoire that help them generate Desire at will…
Depending on where you are in your relationship, and if you are ready to generate more Desire, start by exploring this:
What do I do to become / be- healthy, fit, energetic, alive, attractive, fresh, inspiring, interesting, playful, frisky, alluring, enticing, inviting, risqué, welcoming, open, adventurous, receptive, receiving, giving, generous…
Get ready, get out of your head, play, let go…
Watch the video for how to play with the Love-Desire Spectrum… Enjoy!
MONTHLY THEME GUIDE: Relationship Verbs List
APPLICATION: Decide that you’ll play at Love and Desire… That you’ll intentionally nurture your Spectrum to create your Epic Love Affair with your partner…
~ Discuss with your partner going on a Real Date- not just Date Night…
~ Do your personal work to be ready… Do all the pampering. Do all the letting go. Bring your best person with all the swag.
~ Play at going on a Real Date- plan an epic date, leave the roles at home, almost make believe you don’t know each other and start from scratch when the date starts…
~ Bring your A game to win your conquest… Do the mysterious, be risqué, bring a different side of you, play all out!
~ Make playing like this part of your lifestyle… Add this tactic to your repertoire…
What we focus on grows… Let’s focus on creating Desire and Passion…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
