You know when you don’t feel so hot physically or emotionally, how you are more sensitive to most things? And, even more so with your partner and how they are being? The things that you would normally let go or that wouldn’t necessarily bother you, in this state they are actually experienced as micro aggressions. And, when this happens you are both thrown for a loop… You can prevent pain and drama with self-regulation and co-regulation.
What does that mean? Self-regulation is the ability to manage our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in our Journey. More specifically, emotional self-regulation is our ability to manage disruptive feelings and impulses in the face of a trigger. It means having a moderate and appropriate response commensurate to the perceived infraction or stressor.
Co-regulation then is the ability of a person to manage their own responses in an interaction so that they are supportive to the other in managing their feelings and impulses. When one remains calm and soothing, their nervous system calms the other’s producing a feedback loop that is soothing to both…
When managing responses to help alleviate a situation and support the other, we’d use non-verbal safety cues, warmth, soothing tone of voice, communication that acknowledges distress, supportive silence if indicated, and an openness to discuss the experience.
This is why it’s so important to avoid the Dirty Dozen of Communication, to use intentional Communication Skills and upleveled Communication Tools (If you work with us, check out Deep Dive 6: Stop the Fighting, Stop the Drama™). Great communication between partners can mitigate conflict, prevent triggers, and assist partners swiftly address any tension, intensity and such. It helps the partner self- and other-regulate as they interact…
More on Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is super important as a life skill… When we get good at self-regulating life becomes so much easier… We are not as triggerable and hypersensitive, we are more resilient, we are more steady and stronger… We feel solid, unshakable, and empowered… We feel good about ourselves and our abilities. It actually contributes to our self-esteem…
Most people usually don’t take this on as a personal project, unless they are into personal development, are in therapy or are a therapist. LOL
But this is not a bad thing to take seriously, and to take on as a personal development focus…
I can tell you, that the people that did the best this past year are the people who have done some personal development work and have increased their resilience level… I invite you to review posts from intense times during the pandemic for more on all this…
5 Insights for your physical and mental health
Focus on building stamina and resilience
Coping with healthy vs unhealthy habits
Summer of self-improvement
The secret to cultivating resilience
Master your mind, master your day
Embrace the art of self-care for increased self-regulation and resilience
When we are more solid and not as easily perturbed by the silly things in life and our partner’s imperfections, we just have a much easier go of it… It shows in our state of mind on a daily basis, in our interactions with others, in our relationship with our loved ones, in our work, and in our life in general.
When we increase our self-regulation and our resilience increases as a byproduct, we are no longer blown by the wind and don’t spend our resources on primarily dealing with ourselves and the drama we create!
This means that we have more internal resources for the things that are important to us in life, and for creating our Best Life.
Furthermore, this means that we are able to create a radiant and successful relationship, our Best Relationship, with our partner as we are showing up steadier and more authentically. We are not showing up with noise and defenses… Can you see the full impact of this?
Improving your self-regulation
Pursuing improving self-regulation doesn’t have to be intimidating… It’s actually quite simple. It’s as easy as implementing a Self-care Practice…
A self-care practice is about taking care of yourself, Mothering yourself… It is about giving yourself love and nurturing. And, it’s about meeting your needs. When you embrace a self-care practice, you embrace a self-love practice… This is the reprogramming your brain needs to rewire itself and facilitate self-regulation…
Hey, if you are saying, Who has time for Self-Care, I encourage you to revisit that limiting belief… Where there is a will there is a way. For example, my next door neighbor power walks up and down her driveway (as her children are home) while on work calls to fit in her daily exercise. Bam!
Now, I’m not suggesting or encouraging anyone to multitask this way. But, I am suggesting that you can figure it out if you want to. It’s all about building in habits into your daily routine to support your efforts. Building in habits into your routine is an effective way to self-manage, as you become more intentional about your day and preventative of chaos, stress and triggers…
Improving your self-management, improving your self-regulation, increasing your resilience, and increasing your self-esteem are all fabulous attributes to pursue as these significantly contribute to the quality of your relationship and your life…
When you are less triggerable and are able to stand still and not get blown by the wind, you are able to be available and present for your partner and your relationship… You are able to show up calmly, soothingly and compassionately to an interaction, and hence you are able to contribute to co-regulation as needed…
Additionally, when you show up better, you are less likely to trigger your partner in turn allowing them to show up properly for you and also contribute to co-regulation… Tada!
There is a built-in feedback-loop in the reciprocity of the interactions. This is how you change relationship patterns and dynamics…
I hope you get how powerful and impactful this concept is. And, that you can make a huge difference in your relationship and your life with as simple a tactic as implement a Self-Care Practice through (Wellness) Habits in your Daily Routine…
ASSIGNMENT: What say you? Ready now to implement a Self-Care Practice, or uplevel one you might already have? We can always stand to evolve more… (Wink!)
1) Take stock of activities in your life that are meant to give yourself care and love. Don’t judge or shame yourself. Whatever you are at, it’s ok. Remember, you are on a Journey…
2) Check out our blog for prior blog posts on Self-care and YouTube for inspiration and ideas of other activities that would replenish and enrich you. The idea is to appropriately give yourself more Love.
3) Choose 3 activities you’d like to implement, create Habit behaviors of them, and integrate them into your Daily Routine.
Before you know it, you’ll see a massive difference on how grounded, steady and strong you feel. And, you’ll notice what a difference it’s making in your days and in your relationship. Go at it and fun with it!
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS – Related Posts:
Feeling stuck in your relationship?
How you perpetuate your stuckness
Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs?
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane?
Treat yourself, please your partner…
Experience the healing of a self-care practice
Use self-care as your way to Higher Abundance
Caring is not just for mothers
How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
Staying motivated with your new year’s intentions
New habits, routines and motivation
The power of having Intentional Habits™
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com