Last issue covered aspects of Communication (from Element2-Communication & Alignment in our Successful Couple Strategy™), the prior covered Boundaries (from Element1-Context & Mindset)… Communication is such an important part of a successful relationship. It is a very basic skill that most partners botch in their relating. They are not aware of all the different things that impact their communication and getting on the same page. They are left butting heads and hurting each other instead of really getting, accepting and supporting each other.
But having amazing skills at setting effective Boundaries and mindful Communication in and of themselves is not enough to ensure you create your successful relationship and meaningful life… Not everything in relationship is as obvious and practical as this. A lot of what plays out in relationship is actually informed by not so conscious processes… These are just but the tip of the iceberg!
Most of what happens in interactions with our partner, and observe and entertain in our relationship, is influenced by subconscious and unconscious programming… Where the subconscious is riddled by unattended scripts and limiting believes (can be directly reprogrammed), and the unconscious is how we organized ourselves psychologically and biologically (can be indirectly reprogrammed)… Being clueless to these forces is like traveling our Journey like Mr. Magoo drives his car
These processes are our human operating system. When they are not intentionally managed, they glitch and hold us back from living our efficient, productive, and rewarding life… When we don’t know what’s installed, what’s outdated, what’s redundant and such, our system doesn’t properly support our best life at best and undermines it, even crashes it, at worst… This is when we are witness to basic levels of success, poor health, mental illness & emotional symptoms, addictions, misbehaved children, relationship breakdown and other not so pretty by-products…
Having Clarity as to what is going on deep inside ourselves and in turn what we are cocreating with our partner, and others, is the first step in really fully owning our life… We can learn all the skills we want and get the best help in fixing problems or taking care of tasks, but if we don’t do this deeper piece the operating system is still going to glitch… You are still going to create dynamics in your relationship that undermine its success and experience recurring negative patterns in all areas of your life…
Attention to Personal Development and Healing must be a prerogative in our life for us to hack our system and be in charge of it. It is of utmost importance for us to instruct and utilize our system to its highest potential… We don’t get in a car and expect to immediately be where we want to be (at least that technology hasn’t been invented yet!). First, we make sure it is working properly and has gas. Then, we know where we are going and how we want to get there, might even put that in the GPS. This is how we get to where we want to go when traveling roads, why should it be any different when traveling our Journey…
We hack our subconscious when we address our limiting beliefs.
We hack our unconscious when we address our wounding (unresolved impact from imperfect childhood).
When we don’t intentionally and proactively do this, we are allowing ourselves to ride our lives not firing on all cylinders… We operate from triggers and defenses creating patterns and circularity in our relationship that doesn’t work for us or our partner. We don’t create the relationship we desire. We feel stuck and dissatisfied.
The key to this is to stretch and integrate ourselves and mindfully, intentionally, and appropriately address all our needs… This requires better learning ourselves and our partner and being proactive about our Life…
Whenever you get stuck white-knuckling an issue in your relationship, find the same complaint consistently coming up, persistently butting heads with your partner on a topic(s), or practical solutions don’t stick – something deeper is at work and it behooves you to get to the bottom of it in order to make the changes you want. This doesn’t mean going to hang out in the past, dredging up everything that ever went wrong or processing stuff at nauseam. This means to decidedly address your operating system to ensure you live your best life and have your best human experience.
Assignment: Take an observer stance in your relationship and identify what are your themes, recurring issues and fights, and circular relating (dynamics) that get you. The purpose of this is to increase awareness in your relationship and prompt you to start addressing the drivers. It’s up to you to empower yourself to do something about them… Don’t just sit with the awareness, it is not enough. Start proactively resetting your operating system…
Well, if last issue was not for the faint of heart, this one certainly is not. This one requires a strong desire to not live a mediocre life and to be able and willing to do what it takes to not settle… This one requires you to mean to have your best human experience. You might not care to and that’s your prerogative. But if you do, Gosh, get to it with gusto already!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
~ Some Related Issues
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.