What do you think about the concept of Unconditional Love? I believe this is very challenging for people because of the expectations that exist in the relationship. They equate love with the other showing up a certain way…
If my partner checks off these boxes, then I love them… Think about this for a second, how crooked is that… We obviously then don’t necessarily love the person but what they do and how they make us feel… How they meet our needs, take care of us, add to our status, and such… So, we actually love them on paper? It seems that way…
But we know better, don’t we. We just have a philosophical, or practical, depending on how you choose to look at it, issue with the concept of Unconditional Love. Because even though your partner is not perfect, and they might get on your nerves, and maybe are not meeting your needs, you still love them, right?
So then why struggle with the concept of Unconditional Love? Owning this will not make your partner be a worse partner- this is not a get out of jail free card. LOL
What would happen if you embraced the concept of Unconditional Love? If you really approached your partner and your relationship with this lens on and interacted from this perspective as much as possible. If you didn’t focus on your partner’s imperfections. If you didn’t worry about fairness and supposed doubled standards.
If you didn’t get hang up on whether your partner apologized. If you didn’t go into your partner’s circle and told them how to be, feel and do. If you didn’t try to make your partner do things the way you would, or the way you want. If you didn’t have expectations of what you should get out of this relationship. And so on…
~ What if you just loved your partner because they are awesome. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are on this Journey with you. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are a fellow Human Being existing in this now and in this relationship with you…
What if you became aware of, if you are not already, to the fact that you are actually an energetic being that appears solid and living in this meat suit because we live in a 3D reality and our experience is limited to what we pick up with our senses…
And, as this energetic being you are actually beyond your mere body, you are actually one with all that is… And so is your partner… AND, as such you are actually ONE…
You are actually part of the whole Universe, you are part of Unity Consciousness- Love Consciousness…
Do you see the implications of this? There is so much here… For now, let’s highlight this, if you are One,
~ When you judge, criticize, scorn, control, reject, or shun your partner, you are doing that to yourself as well…
~ When you don’t like something in your partner, you don’t like that in yourself- might not even be aware you have that…
As soon as you give your partner compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these for yourself…
As soon as you focus on giving yourself compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these from your partner!
When we open ourselves to this inquiry and possibility, and let go of a lower-self experience of lack (we are missing something), attachments (we need certain outcomes), and control (we need to make the things happen) this is when our suffering ends…
This is what the Practice of Letting Go is about… This is about Trusting… About having Faith…
These mindsets, egoic patterns…, just create the struggle we are trying to overcome… These are what hold us back from being able to embrace the Unconditional Love we are capable of and that would make everything so much easier…
~ Lack is driven by believing we are separate and not whole, which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
~ Attachments are driving by believing we need certainty and certain outcomes which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
~ Control is driven by believing that we have to make things happen and have to do all the doing which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
So you see, when we get in our own way with our limited mindset we impact how we feel and experience ourselves, our partner, and the world… Not to mention our nervous system and the rest of our biology and hence our health, and our overall energy and what we are able to manifest…
Addressing these egoic patterns allows us to more easily embrace Unconditional Love and make our relationship, and whole Human Experience, much more satisfying- more radiant, more divine…
Here is to embracing Unconditional Love more this month and going forward…
APPLICATION: Set time aside to contemplate and meditate on the concepts of Unconditional Love and Unity Consciousness…
~ Did you feel peace, joy, love, Oneness?
~ After you quiet yourself down, explore how you might still have limiting mindsets. Observe your lack, attachments and control patterns of thought, feelings and behaviors…
~ Identify which of the three is more prominent for you and decide to gently address these and let them go…
~ Share your discovery and commitment with your partner, with no strings attached…
When we reprogram and release our egoic patterns, it is easier to create / manifest what we desire in our life experience… It is much easier to embrace Unconditional Love and enjoy the Journey…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The concept of setting effective boundaries might feel a bit played out. But it’s interesting that most people still have no idea what setting boundaries actually means… We don’t set boundaries on others, give them consequences, or punish them… We have no control over others, we are not the boss of them- not even our children and our employees or team-reports!
We set boundaries on ourselves… We have to take charge of the things we do have control over, and that is ourselves… We very often disempower ourselves by focusing on what others are doing or not doing… Empower yourself by staying in your circle…
So, let’s put this into the proper context. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It means we decide what we allow to be in our life. Be it in our thoughts, our environment, our relationship, our work, our life in general…
When something is not working for us, we don’t set a boundary on the other person- we don’t tell them what to do. We set a boundary on ourselves, we decide what we’ll be willing to allow to continue. We decide to change our thoughts and how we look at things. We decide how to feel and how to respond.
We decide what our actions, habits, and routines are. We decide how we want to show up to a conversation. We decide what is acceptable behavior, treatment, responses, outcomes, and such. We decide everything we allow…
How does this play out in interaction with others? Beautifully… For when you fully own all of you, your needs, your desires, your expectations, how you show up, how you respond, how you set things up and such- things can’t but go smoothly…
You take care of yourself, you exude confidence, you are responsible for your results, you clearly express your expectations in a way that others can respond positively to them, and you appropriately address when the expectations are not met.
And this doesn’t mean punishing people- this doesn’t mean nagging your partner or giving them the cold shoulder. This doesn’t mean yelling at your children. This doesn’t mean berating your employee.
Addressing unmet expectations means you share how you were impacted, how you feel and how this doesn’t work and why. It means you address what might gone wrong for the other that they let you down.
It means you put something in effect to address what happened and a preventative measure. It means you consider the other person’s needs, skills, abilities, and such so your expectations can be met. You address the situation for a win-win.
We never set a boundary at the expense of another. They might not like your boundary of what you will not put up with or tolerate, or what you will no longer do. But you will never tell them to do something harmful or against themselves, nor tolerate this for yourself… And you are not to tell others what they need to do or not do, feel, or think. That’s in their circle…
This obviously applies to our relationship with our partner. We co-create with them, we inspire each other, we address our needs so we are both taken cared of. We don’t tell our partner that they can’t have an affair. We inspire our partner not to have an affair… We address our side being fully mindful and conscientious of theirs. We do not live in a vacuum. We do not do things at their expense, never.
Even should you be getting a divorce, you are still a fellow human being with a heart. Always go for the win-win… Always keep your side of the street clean. Always take the higher road. You are the one that has to live with themselves at the end of the day…
Even with our children – we don’t own them. Our job is not to control them… Our job is to discipline them- which by definition means help them learn… We teach, guide, set them up for success, and support them… We honor their feelings. We show them how to fully own and expand themselves…
Even with our employees. They have a job description, they have processes to follow, and milestones or goals to achieve. They know when they are not performing to what is expected. That is the conversation. We can’t “manage” people, we can inspire and “lead” them… Sometimes words are limited to fully convey a message, but I think you get my drift.
Even when we lovingly release a partner or an employee… It’s ok if they don’t like your boundary, they can choose what they need to do to meet themselves and you to continue to take care of yourself.
Everything that happens, happens FOR us- remember that… There is always a solution for the higher good of all…
This applies to everything in our lives… It’s ok if they don’t like that you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry. Decide what works for you and offer that. You can take the other’s preferences into consideration and together come up with a plan that works for both of you. But at the end of the day, you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry…
If the other is not cooperative, you always still do your side with the best of intentions for the highest good of all to the best of your ability… Honoring yourself is an act of self-love and imperative for a wonderful and magical human experience. When you operate from this place others cooperate, fear not…
Partners often want to start by having their partner change… They love being in their partner’s circle, then they wonder how come their partner is resistant or uncooperative. Wrong approach my friend! Always focus on your side and the other will follow suit, I promise…
Remember to set your boundaries in alignment with your values… Then they are more meaningful and a lot easier to honor them…
APPLICATION: Compile a list of annoyances and things that don’t work for you in your life… Write it with compassion and grace. Don’t judge yourself or others. They have all served a purpose… Now it’s time to no longer put up with them.
Addressing one at a time: ~ Explore how those things have contributed to who you are today and how you’ve gotten here ~ Identify what no longer works about them ~ Feel the impact they’ve had on you, feel it in your body, breathe through it ~ Thank them for what they have provided you and let them go ~ Identify a practical step to address the things and take an action step towards them today
Taking full ownership and empowering ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you are serious about Becoming your Best Self, creating your Best Relationship, and living your Best Life- this is not an option. This is how you do it!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What is an affair? What constitutes cheating? Infidelity? These are very personal definitions. Most people have their own version of what constitutes what. Here is a definition I have adapted from experts in the field that works well: An affair involves one of the partner’s passion being directed at someone or something other than their partner that often includes secrecy.
Affairs/cheating can include making-out with or kissing someone at a club, one-night-stands or flings, cyber sex, or behaviors for getting sexual gratification. They can also include devotion to cars, work, projects, children, etc. If the activity keeps one partner from fully engaging and being available to the other, then the activity can be considered an affair.
For the purpose of this article, the focus is on affairs that involve one of the partners going outside their relationship for sexual and/or emotional intimate gratification with another person(s).
The affair is not the problem in the relationship, but a symptom in the relationship. Affairs happen for a reason. Even if you thought your relationship was great until the affair was discovered, there was still something in your relationship dynamic that allowed for the affair to take place.
Affairs are discovered in many different ways and can be addressed once they are acknowledged. It is more difficult to do any repair and healing work until this happens. Very often one of the partners has a gut feeling their partner is cheating to have the other stubbornly deny it.
This leaves the suspicious partner very disgruntled, confused, insecure, and with a host of other not so pretty feelings. In my own experience and from literature, it is believed that when a partner has this gut feeling it is usually true.
**A note of caution: sometimes because partners have been wronged this way or have experienced other forms of betrayal, they are unreasonably suspicious. It is therefore unfair to say that if there is a gut feeling their partner is cheating for sure.
The suspicious partner’s reality is tentative and questionable if their instincts are denied. If they believe, and can a lot of times prove something, but their reality continues to be denied, they are left with a world that doesn’t make sense. Things don’t add up and the relating with their partner is off, and yet they can’t put their finger on it.
As a result they go on a quest to prove and make sense of things, becoming detectives, nags, interrogators, etc. This situation is not healthy to any of the parties involved, Both parties can’t get their needs met and are not satisfied in their relationship.
When there is a suspicion and/or the relationship is not working, it is better to come clean so some real work can be done. It is risky business disclosing affairs as the partner who went out of the relationship has to face consequences and related fears. My thoughts are that if one wants a genuine and satisfying relationship, works needs to be done and it can’t happen when there are secrets and exits in the relationship.
What’s the point of continuing a dissatisfying situation? It might get pretty heated and ugly in the face of a disclosure, but in the long run, whether one creates a satisfying relationship with their partner or moves on, they are taking charge of their life and meeting their needs.
Once the affair is admitted or disclosed, the offending partner needs to be prepared for the other partner’s reactions. Once the storm settles the couple can get to working. A lot of patience is required here and the offending partner needs to hang in there until their partner gets a grip. At that point the work entails rehashing the details of the affair so the non-offending partner can finally make sense of their world.
This includes admitting lies, filling in the blanks, and answering questions about events, situations and the other person. Even thought this is painful and uncomfortable for the partners, it is very helpful in co-creating history and their reality and establishing a platform from which to build the new conscious relationship. Remember our imaginations are pretty powerful, it is better to have facts out there than to leave our partner guessing.
Then some real healing and rebuilding can start to happen. The partners need to put the affair in context of their dynamic and see it as a symptom of what they have and how they have related. They need to own what they contributed to this dynamic that eventually led to one of them going outside their relationship. This is very hard work, especially in the face of the tumultuous feelings going on.
The aggrieved partner needs to receive a sincere and complete apology and amends need to happen for forgiveness and healing to be possible. The offending partner needs to initially suck it up and be at the partner’s whim in creating security and proving their sincerity. The hypervigilance and micromanaging eventually subsides, hang in there.
While this work is being done, the partners also need to be working on creating changes in their dynamic and healing their original wounds that set this wheel in motion in the first place. Making these changes empowers both partners and serves as a preventive measure for relapse.
Experiencing this traumatic situation in our relationship is not an easy thing to undergo and heal from. Doing the work is worth all the effort and pain. Couples do not go back to how they were before the affair, but create an amazing new, intimate and strong relationship.
There is nothing good to loose by not addressing these lapses in judgment. Tap into your courage reservoir and get to healing!! You can only make things better in your life in the long run!!!
Happy Healing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Discuss with your partner how you’ve been absent, emotionally and otherwise distant or unavailable, and your plan of action to correct this lapse. Tell them specific behaviors you will be implementing (i.e., coming home two hours earlier, not accepting out of town projects or meetings unless your partner can join you, not watching T.V. at dinner time, breaking off the relationship with the other person and not having contact with them, etc.).
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is very painful to experience betrayal in our relationships. I am primarily referring to betrayal by loved ones. This is the most painful betrayal. Betrayal may happen in many different forms and can be experienced by anyone at anytime during their life time
Betrayal might take place in the form of sexual, physical, emotional, and/or verbal abuse by a perpetrator onto a weaker subject. It can take the form of abandonment and neglect by a loved one. It can take the form of infidelity. It has to do with transgression of personal boundaries. It has to do with breaking the trust of the given relationship. It has to do with the breach of confidence.
It includes dishonesty ranging from little lies to huge cover ups. It includes exiting and undermining behaviors. It includes broken agreements whether they were formal written contracts, vows, or a spoken and unspoken consensus.
Betrayal can be experienced in degrees and there is a range of related emotions, symptoms and side effects associated with it.
People who have been betrayed by loved ones (parents, siblings, relatives, spouse, children, friends, etc.), have experienced a rupture in the cloth of relatedness. This is a colossal grievance.
Because of the inherent self-focus of the perpetrator, the victim’s perspective is dismissed and unsupported. They are left alone to make sense of the trauma and the wholes in reality as they know it. The usual lies, secrets and cover-ups associated with betraying acts, further perpetuate the confusion. The victim’s sense of themselves and their world is shattered.
They now go through life trying to make sense of their experiences and interactions which are being processed through the ruptured cloth of relating frame¦ They have a hard time letting people in, trusting, opening up, becoming interdependent, asking for help, to say the least!
This is very difficult to live with. People who have been betrayed to some extend or another, need to process and address this so they are free to build healthy and satisfying relationships from here on! They should not subject themselves to a life of disconnection, loneliness and desperation. It is not fair. They are entitled to a full life with loving and caring relationships, regardless of what happened in their past.
This holds true even for those who have ended up also perpetrating betrayals, They should not punish themselves for eternity because of it. They just need to do the work as well.
People who have experienced betrayals are usually expected to forgive and move on. They are told that this is what they need to be in a better place. This is a difficult and daunting task to accomplish. There is the misconception that forgiving is the only way to be able to move on and get one’s life back.
I’ve learned that forgiveness is not the only way to be able to accomplish this, and that there is a step that can happen before forgiveness is potentially pursued, if desired. That is ACCEPTANCE.
Acceptance can be achieved by the victim doing work to mend the rupture regardless of whether the perpetrator is willing to cooperate and make amends (or even allowed by the victim). The perpetrator is not needed in the acceptance process, and the victim can get their life back and move on. They can mend the rupture without the perpetrator’s assistance.
Forgiveness is just icing on the cake. Forgiveness is achieved by those victims who are able and willing to allow the perpetrator to make restitutions and whose perpetrators work with them. The key factor here is that restitution by the perpetrator is required for forgiveness to be genuine and able to flourish.
For Forgiveness to actually take place, the perpetrator needs to work with the victim to mend the rupture. This is hard work but extremely rewarding and satisfying in the end.
Some victims have been hurt so deeply that they are happy with reaching Acceptance and moving on. They don’t want to forgive their perpetrator. They don’t want to work with the perp, and some perps are not very cooperative or available anyway. This is fine.
Most people confuse Acceptance with Forgiveness. Don’t get pushed into forgiving if you are not ready or willing. You DO need to do the work to come to grips with your reality and reach Acceptance, so your life is finally yours to live and free from the effect of the betrayal.
Get free from betrayal’s grip and get back on track with your life!!
Happy Accepting!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think on your betrayal situation and decide how you want to deal with it. Would you work towards acceptance or go for forgiveness? If the betrayal was perpetrated by your partner and you want to work toward forgiveness, have a discussion sharing what you need from them to mend the ruptured cloth of relating – rebuild trust.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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