One would think that connecting with our partner is an easy feat. After all they are the one person we are supposed to be the most intimate with. This is most often not the case and we are actually not that intimate. I find that couples have a very difficult time connecting, feeling connected and staying connected, and their efforts at connecting sometimes create even more distance between them. It doesn’t have to be this way.
First, we need to become aware of some of the ways we sabotage our attempts to connect and set ourselves up to be disconnected:
1. Being too busy
2. Placing our partner down on the priority list
3. Allowing other people and things to eat up our time and energy
4. Dismissing our partner’s attempt at closeness
5. Giving our partner negative attention and criticism
6. Setting up interactions and situations that typically annoy or hurt our partner
7. Withdrawing attention and affection
8. Demanding closeness, attention and caring
9. Being right all the time and seeing only our perspective
10. Playing the victim card
Then, we can start doing things differently. We can change how we set up interactions, respond to our partner, approach our partner and generally organize ourselves so we create space to connect.
Note that as you attempt to implement changes to your non-connecting-habits, you will find yourself and your partner resisting and undermining the changes – even if you both want to really connect! Don’t trick yourself into thinking only you want to connect – your partner does too even if you can’t see it!
Connecting is scary – we are not used to being in real connection. We crave it and at the same time we fear it. Don’t let this stop you. Practice makes perfect. Ease yourselves into it. Eventually you become experts making sure you safe guard your connection, nurturing it and enjoying it!
From this connected place we feel gotten, understood, accepted, valued, respected, admired, wanted, and cherished. We mutually build ourselves up. We become whole. We grow up. We heal. Our self-esteem soars. We no longer just complement each other.
We are now two wholes ready to collaborate. We are full of potential and might. We enhance and bring out the best in each other. We synergize and are ready to take on any old project we so choose to take on!!
Happy Connecting and Creating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Pick two non-connecting-habits you have and make immediate moves to rectify them. Invite your partner to be open to your attempts at approaching them and to receive you.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How badly do you want to have an awesome relationship with your partner? How committed are you to making the relationship work? Is failure an option? Do you have one foot out the door? I hear partners complain about how they want things to be different, but they don’t take any risks to change things. It makes sense that striving to create the relationship we want is scary, as this would entail Being in the relationship in very specific ways:
Being fully present and available.
Making our partner a priority.
Stretching to meet our partner’s needs.
Being patient, understanding, and compassionate.
Embracing our partner and their world.
Being vulnerable and showing up.
Bringing this way of being with our partner into our relationship takes a huge emotional risk and investment. For what if we are not accepted, wanted, embraced? What if what we give is not good enough? What if we are judged and rejected? What if we are left? What if in giving we lose ourselves? This is scary.
So instead we hide, protect ourselves, and beat on our partner in an effort to make them the partner we want. We make a full commitment to making our partner our ideal partner… We become obsessed with changing them, even if just in the running script in our minds…
The problem is that the obsession holds us back. I’m sure you know by now that you can’t change your partner. When the focus is misplaced this way we force our partner to operate in self-preservation mode, which is usually not pretty… We actually invite the worst of our partner. We end up shooting ourselves in the foot.
We choose this over the risk of operating from the more vulnerable, generous, and altruistic place. An unfortunate choice, as that is actually the gateway to our awesome relationship… Take note for how you invite the worst of your partner, for how you co-create the status quo of your relationship.
Now, don’t misunderstand this. I’m not implying you become a doormat or a punching bag. I’m simply suggesting you put aside the power struggle. You don’t have to have your way just to make a point. You don’t have to punish your partner. You don’t have to parent your partner or teach them a lesson. You don’t have to win or get your way.
You don’t have to be right. Relationships are not about all that. If this is your focus and want to stick with it, I promise you will not be happy nor create the relationship you want. Stop all this silly nonsense. Your digging in your heals in reaction to their reaction is making things worse. Know that you create a non-ending reciprocal pattern when you do this. It’s time to start somewhere and change this. It’s OK to give in, risk, and invest.
Embrace the concept that operating from an altruistic place does not mean or lead to your being cancelled, muted, non-existent, nullified, eliminated… Creating space for your partner to exist and thrive does not take away from who you are, or make you an idiot. It’s OK to be humble, to go with the flow, to Zen-wise detach.
Detach with love and investment. Make positive contributions in your interactions, repair, healing, enrichment, and growth of your relationship: Set appropriate boundaries (watch your delivery). Make responsible requests. Moderate your feelings. Make timely amends. Mindfully share your thoughts. Give generously. Do a lot of Self care.
When you take risks and invest you are empowering your Self and allowing your partner to exist. When your partner’s existence is not threatened, they can bring their best Self to the relationship. And, isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?
Become the ideal partner. Support your partner’s existence. Create safety for your partner to receive you. Invite your partner to be your ideal partner. Take matters into your own hands. Woo your partner in their love language. Go all out. No more hesitation, ambivalence, or holding back. Make a huge investment for a huge return. Go for your awesome relationship today!
Happy Investing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Figure out how your partner makes you feel the negative feels you had growing up. You might have to go deep to figure out these feelings and the connection. Go easy on yourself, this is difficult stuff. Then share this new found insight with your partner from a non-blaming position asking them to just hear you out.
Finally, give your partner two specific behavior changes they can choose one from to do providing you with a different outcome than the usual and thus healing you. Make sure the choices you give meet your needs.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true treasure chest worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!!
To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the gems on the rough, the hidden treasures.
Hidden Treasure #1 – Potential to Heal:
One of the unconscious reasons we are attracted to our partner is their ability to trigger us, get under our skin, believe it or not! They trigger us because the way they treat us and relate to us makes us feel at a deep level the same way we did growing up when our parents behaved in ways that bother (hurt) us. History is repeating itself. We replicate patterns in our lives.
To heal we have to break this pattern and get from our partner a different outcome than usual to our disagreements and treatment that meets our needs. This mends our wounds.
When we operate from a place of being healed, we are no longer as reactionary, triggerable, and raw. This allows us to relate with our partner from a more conscious and available place creating satisfying encounters. Also, we have our emotional and mental resources ready for use in more productive and fruitful endeavors!
Hidden Treasure #2 – Potential to Grow:
The other unconscious reason we are attracted to our partner is their appearing to be similar to us but also very different. They may seem down right opposite us!! They are messy, we are neat freaks. They are social butterflies, we like isolation. We need to talk about everything, they don’t want to talk about anything. Etc.
We are unconsciously attracted to this seemingly opposite person and their characteristics and coping mechanisms because these constitute parts of ourselves and ways that we are not aware of and in touch with and thus in our partnership we become whole and complete.
To actually become whole and complete, we have to grow, we have to learn from our partner’s oppositeness and start getting in touch with and owning the different parts of ourselves that we have denied, lost, and hidden.
When we operate from a more complete and integrated self, we have access to different characteristics, coping mechanisms and parts of ourselves that bring forth a full and aware self to engage in relating, thus eliminating friction and tension idiosyncratic to operating from a fragmented self. An aware and integrated self make us more resilient and adept in our relationship and life!
Hidden Treasure #3 – Potential to Create:
Borrowing from evolutionary theory, we partner up to procreate and ensure survival of our species. In our more advanced times, where our lives do not just revolve around ensuring basic survival, this concept can be taken a step further to include how well we procreate and what do we do in our lifetime to ensure the survival of future generations.
This includes first creating a healthy, nurturing and happy family where children can be raised into differentiated, happy, healthy, well-functioning, and contributing members of our society. And, second, tapping into our partnership synergy so that we can be real contributing members of our society.
Our partnership’ inherent synergy is a fabulous resource to assist in these processes. When tapped and focused it generates energy, flow and momentum for the couple that assists and promotes the achievement of anything the partners set their mind to! The sky is their limit!!
Our relationship is a gift that usually goes unwrapped! It is a wasted and essential resource necessary for our wellbeing and success. We need our relationship to heal, grow and create successfully, and we have it right there for our capitalizing! All we have to do is polish those gems!
Happy Polishing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Figure out how your partner makes you feel the negative feels you had growing up. You might have to go deep to figure out these feelings and the connection. Go easy on yourself, this is difficult stuff. Then share this new found insight with your partner from a non-blaming position asking them to just hear you out.
Finally, give your partner two specific behavior changes they can choose one from to do providing you with a different outcome than the usual and thus healing you. Make sure the choices you give meet your needs.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We all have dreams, wishes and goals. There are things we want for ourselves, our partner, our family. Sometimes though we find that it is difficult, if not impossible, to make our wish a reality.
We may want to start a new business, go back to school, learn a new trade, pick up a new hobby or project, throw a party, have the house a certain way, keep fit, enroll in activities with our children, have more intimate and fun moments with our partner, having another child, etc. But life gets in the way and we just dream about these and never see them materialize.
This is an ugly way to go about our days and our life. We are not really living when we barely make it through “reactive” tasks everyday and then the day is over. Some people go through their days just putting out fires and not getting anywhere.
The thing is that in partnership your wishes and dreams can come true. It is difficult enough to motivate ourselves and set ourselves up to achieve success without the added burden of fighting our partner in the process.
When our partner becomes our ally and a team player the energies that would normally go into convincing, cajoling, nagging, and compensating for them could be better put to use into making our wishes and dreams come true. Plus, when our partner works with us, life has a funny way of magically becoming a lot easier, fun and rewarding.
So, how can you invite your partner to team-up with you so you can create your dreams and have your wishes come true? Here are 10 ways to get your partner on your team:
Show appreciation for the things, efforts and sacrifices they do and make
Focus on the positive
Give constructive feedback, only when asked
Ask your partner to brainstorm alternate solutions when you are both stuck on how to resolve something
Compromise – give in an inch
Show kindness, gentleness and thoughtfulness
Give lots of TLC (tender, love and care)
Show them you are listening (repeat back what they say) and understand their point of view (from their perspective not yours)
Don’t do the tit-for-tat game
Trade favors
When you operate from this “nice” place your partner will want to spend time with you, be with you, make life easier and share it with you. They’ll be in your team and help you create the life and partnership you want. So, go ahead and “invite” your partner into partnership!
Happy Partnering!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Have a discussion about concrete behaviors you and your partner need to be of support to each other to allow each of you to accomplish and achieve your personal goals (i.e., trading babysitting, cleaning the house out of junk food, shopping for healthy foods and snacks, cooking healthy meals, sharing household chores, tweaking sleeping schedules, scheduling work out routines, putting certain amount of money for a specific endeavor, etc.)
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
People usually marry for love. A new phenomenon, only a couple of centuries old, in the history of the institution of marriage and in this culture. I say “usually” because sometimes people just get married because that is the thing to do, again speaking from today’s and this culture’s context.
But what people sometimes don’t realize is that in getting married they are entering a deeper partnership. Choosing to be in a long-term relationship / marriage, is one of life’s most important decisions. The influence of this partnership is infinite. This partnership can enhance each individual’s potential exponentially. How does the saying go? “The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.”
In our partnership we learn from our partner, we complement each other, we support each other, we work together, we collaborate, we brainstorm, we dream together, we synergize.
In our partnership we can heal ourselves and we can become whole. This is the “psycho-babble” part of this beautiful concept. The tangible piece is even more engrossing and awesome. In uniting efforts, resources, support, and dreams couples can truly achieve unimaginable riches (whatever “riches” might mean for the couple).
It’s incredible to me to see how partners hurt each other, undermine each other, hold each other back and wreck havoc in their relationship. It is incredible to me to see couples work against each other as opposed to together. They see and treat their partner as the enemy instead of the ally they truly are. They do not capitalize on the synergy inherent of the partnership.
These couples have unhappy and unsatisfying relationships and are stuck in their own personal growth and development. They are not advancing as they could. They are not living the life they want. They have not reached their fullest potential.
I have seen couples achieve the impossible. Couples can not only function as romantic partners but as life partners. How is your couple measuring up in terms of being “life partners”? What does being “life partners” mean to you? Is your definition limited to being together “’til death do as apart”?
Or, is your definition broader and includes ideas such as meeting each other’s needs, learning from each other, becoming whole, resolving repeating arguments, reaching agreements on conflicts, having joint goals and achieving them, having personal goals and achieving them, shooting for the moon, enjoying the journey, leaving a legacy, being excellent role models for your children and others, and anything you think belongs here?
Your relationship can be anything you want it to be and can help you live life to the fullest. It just requires two willing partners. Invite your partner to join you in creating a life long fantastic partnership!
Happy Life Partnering!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Share with your partner what you had envisioned for your life and invite them to do the same. Discuss how your visions are similar and how you can work together to achieve your dreams.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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