Compromise Archives - Page 11 of 12

Waltz Into The New Year

Ok, so you’ve been together for a long time, or maybe not so long, and are feeling time just passing you by and your relationship not moving or progressing with it.

You find that you still have a lot of the same issues, unresolved concerns, repeating arguments, don’t feel connected, are living parallel lives, can’t seem to have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, are bored, and feel empty. You are just going through the motions and question your commitment to your relationship and your partner.

Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. Couples get sucked in and chewed up in the power struggle and seem to be unable to get out of it. They go around and around in their cycle for what could be ever if nothing is done about it. Relationships don’t just get better or become enjoyable again on their own. The partners need to do something different to make this happen.

I know this is easier said than done when you are stuck in the cycle and your behavior and reactions appear to be on autopilot! This is the more reason to make a conscious effort to address your situation.

The hint to getting unstuck is to take a step back and do a perspective change. Look at your situation from your partner’s perspective: put yourself in their shoes with their mindset. How are they looking at the situation? How do their history, wounds, personality, wishes, expectations, etc. influence their view? From this place, what do they want and need? How do they see you? How are they experiencing you?

You might not like what you see. Our behavior, reactions and expectations make perfect sense from our perspective, but when looked at from another angle they are flawed, or better said, they don’t flow or make sense from that point of view. Not for nothing you and your partner are not seeing eye-to-eye and are disconnected.

When you look at your interactions from both your perspectives and the chasm between you is apparent but the views clearer, you have a chance to start closing the rift.

The usual inherent difficulty here is that it is very difficult to see our situation from our partner’s perspective and a tough pill to swallow at that. But once this is achieved, following the simple guidelines above, the reconnecting, and healing, can begin.

The first and most important part of this is to actually tell your partner how you see the situation from their perspective. You are hence validating their experience and bringing them back to life. They are no longer absent, invisible, detached, gone. You don’t have to agree with how they see things, but the mere fact that you are able to see how they see things allows them to come back into existence. They have a voice.

This is necessary to even the playing field and to be able to have a conversation. A partner without a voice can’t conversate and be present in a relationship.

Resurrecting your partner gives you a chance to give life to the relationship you want. With a live partner you can create a joint perspective from which change can flow. This perspective is created by mutually and consistently sharing each of your perspectives while validating the other.

From this place it is a lot easier to meat each other’s needs. It is a lot easier to tailor our behavior or reaction when we know how it hurts our partner than when we are feeling attacked, criticized, taken for granted and ignored!

Go ahead – give it a try. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and start dancing to a new tune!!

Happy Dancing!!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Next time you feel getting sucked into your usual arguing listen for your partner’s hurts and disappointments hear their perspective. Put your reactions on hold and don’t listen for how this affects you, how you are hurt, what you need, etc. Put your stuff on HOLD!

Just listen to your partner and tell them what you are hearing them say (without making assumptions, interpretations or mind reading) and tell them how you understand their perspective and how they could be feeling as they do as a result (you don’t have to agree with it or see it the same way).

Now ask your partner what behavior change you can make to fix their complaint. Here you might need to coach them a bit on giving you very specific behavior change requests. For example, just be nicer to me, is too general, but, when I come home give me a kiss hello, and when I got to bed a goodnight kiss, is a lot more doable.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.

Tis the Season for Receiving…

by Emma Viglucci

I have noticed that we have a tendency to have difficulties Receiving. And, that this is especially true for people who appear entitled, arrogant, demanding, critical, picky, choosy and such for in that approach they are actually rejecting… They have an underlying unconscious operating program of undeservingness.

They sabotage what is coming to them, reject the good, and are blind to the Gifts. They actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy where they don’t get, they get taken from, they are undermined, and even invisible as a possible viable recipient. These are the peeps that look and appear not to need anything or anyone…

I see this person in the partners of relationships that are struggling. They don’t allow the good in. They have a difficult time recognizing the good intentions of their partner and the gift their partner is. They actually take the gift and turn it around.

They rip it apart, find fault and ugliness in it and throw it in the garbage. They invite others not to give to them pushing them away. They revel in their misery, loneliness, victimhood, and martyrdom. They don’t realize how this creates negative energy that attracts more negativity…

Take a moment to identify the people in your life who do this. Who encounter nonsense everywhere they go. Who have bad things constantly happen to them. Who appear stuck and spinning their wheels. Who are always overwhelmed and can’t move forward. Whose lives are filled with drama and pain.

Find all these peeps, make a list of them. What is common about them? How does their “negativity” show up in their life? How does it impact their life? What kind of life have they been able to create? Are they happy, inspiring, and owning their magnificence? How does this affect you? Did your partner make it to your list? Are you on your list…?

Hold everyone in your mind’s eye. Feel each and every one of them in your heart, including yourself if you made it to your list (put yourself there if you didn’t…). Hold everyone really close and tight. Muster all the positive, compassionate, nurturing, accepting, and loving energy you can and bathe all in it. Surround your peeps and your Self with this brilliant Light. You have it in you. Harness it. Bring it forth. Put it to use…

Envision this Light permeating your very molecular structure, sipping into your core, blasting the blackness and the encasement around your Soul out of existence… Behold your Radiant Self! This is the real You. Lead with your Beauty. Bring this forth in your interactions. Be your magnificent magnetic Self and start attracting awesomeness in your life and relationship. Embrace the Gifts around you… Receive the Love you deserve!

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…

Happy Receiving!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

For the next week, make it your business to look for all the gifts, blessings, beauty and awesomeness in your life. Stay focused on this task and don’t let anything escape you. Become masterful at finding the Good. To make this task easier, imagine your Self a magnet of good Fortune… Stay alert as to what you attract… Find all the Goodness life has to offer you… Stay in positive expectation… Add this to your Tool Kit…

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Get More Than Presents This Holiday

by Emma Viglucci

The Holidays do all kinds of things to people. They provide a year-in-review, showcase our progress and success, spotlight our communion and belongingness, highlight our relationship dynamics, and nudge our very Soul for wakefulness. Add to this all the demands, expectations and hassle and bustle, and it is no wonder that the Holidays are rough for some.

The Holidays create stress, anxiety, depression, paralysis, withdrawal, mania, shame, overindulgence, overwhelm, crashing, loneliness, and other goodies. How do the Holidays affect you? If you generally fair well, still take note however minor the impact.

The Holidays can be treated as an opportunity for growth and healing… This is definitely fertile ground to work with! Why not take advantage of the opportunity available for the taking? When anything is framed as opportunity, its energy, meaning, impact and potential change. Now the situation is a gift and not a nuisance.

There is positivity built-in the reframe bearing optimism, strength, courage, hope, compassion, love, understanding, ownership, authenticity and awesomeness… Let’s shoot for getting more than just presents this Holiday Season!

Let’s go back to how the Holidays highlight our relationship dynamics. Whatever our dynamics they get amplified during this time. It’s as if our dynamics are on steroids. What you see, witness, experience is your usual dynamics to a heightened level.

This gives you an opportunity to better understand what usually bothers you and what doesn’t work that might have been difficult to pinpoint before. Before we knew interactions annoyed or hurt us. We knew are needs were not met. We complained, fought or sucked it up in hopelessness.

But now we have the chance at a magnified experience where we can see the crack. We have the chance to look at the crack up close and personal, and study it. We get the chance to see how it needs mending. The trick is to know what to look for: The theme, the broken record, and your script. What keeps replaying?

What is the lesson you are to learn? What is the code you need to crack? How are you to stretch to grow and heal, to break the impasse? This is the driver behind the dissatisfaction. Your call to action is to do something different for that in and of itself is Change…

It’s time to shake things up. It’s time to take a risk. It’s time to have better expectations. It’s time to raise the bar. It’s time to honor your Self, to Be your Authentic Self, and to bring it to your interactions. It’s time to be courageous and not be afraid of what could be. It’s time to go for it. It’s time for the next book in the series.

What does this look like? How do you go about it? It’s actually quite marvelous and simple. All you have to do is have a different response than your usual in your interaction. And, to do this for your Self without any outcome, expectation or intention of changing your partner in mind… So if you usually complain, call things out, whine or other some such in your interactions, your different response could be not say anything or to focus on the positive.

If your usual way is to suck it up, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and cave in, then your difference response could be standing up for your Self, speaking up, sharing what you are experiencing, or setting a limit or consequence.

The point here is not to go about changing your whole relationship, getting better results, inviting your partner to respond differently, and the rest of our usual intentions. This one is the mother load. This one goes for the jugular. This approach is for Us. Can you imagine? For Us… It is to build the muscle that has been dormant and which upon awakening saves the day…

Give it a try. Be gentle. Be courageous. Bring out the part of your Self that has been screaming to come out. Make space for it. Create safety for it. Nurture it. And take a leap of Faith, use it in your interactions. Go for it. Give it a try. The pay off is unimaginable…

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…

Happy Awakening!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Take a look at the weeks ahead. What significant events or plans are coming up? How will you be celebrating? What traditions will you follow? What rituals will you enjoy? Sit with the plans and the answers above… Hold them in your heart. Suspend judgment.

Are your plans in alignment with your core beliefs? Does your celebrating honor your Authentic Self? Do your traditions transmit your values? Do your rituals strengthen your identity, sense of Self, connections and bonds. Do they impart love, acceptance and adoration? Do they embrace our Human Experience…?

Connect with what comes up for you as you explore this. Where do you need to show up differently? What concrete change will you make for your next event or plans? Put it in action now… Add this to your Tool Kit…

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Thankful for Blessings in Disguise

by Emma Viglucci

It saddens me to witness people’s struggles, to watch them get in their own way, to drown in a glass of water, to miss the bigger picture. Maybe this is compassion for my Self as I can certainly be in that place… This is one of the lessons I’m still learning.

This is part of my Journey. In its course I grow, heal, learn and further embrace my Calling… It is amazing to step back and take in the machinations, the alignments, and the perfection in how everything plays out, always for a reason… It all adds up…

At the end of the day, this brings me back to the sadness, compassion, for others for at least I can see the hidden gift, the blessing, and the opportunity. I draw strength and inspiration from this. This is what makes me a gifted healer and a leader in healing.

This is part of my Purpose… But for those who are not yet privy to this, all the tumultuousness of life is just pain. I can’t imagine not having the higher perspective. My heart truly goes out to those who struggle.

Having a higher perspective doesn’t exempt us from the happenings of life, and it is not always easy to hang on to it. But being able to see things from a different angle than merely seeing them as things happening to us makes a heck of a difference. This is where our human experience manifests.

Seeing the good in everything around us, even the so called “bad”, is where the opportunities abound, the promises lie, the gifts reside, the blessings are bestowed, the magic happens. This is where the beauty of the mystery of life can be found, if we can only but awaken…

Of course this applies to our relationship. Everything that happens in our relationship happens for a reason. The state of our relationship and everything that we get from our partner we have invited, we’ve co-created. Everything that goes on is a blessing, though sometimes a blessing in disguise.

When things are not to our liking or when we are in pain it is a sign that something different is needed. It is an opportunity to become intentional about our approach and our Being.

It is a call to realign, to stretch, to grow, to become whole and more empowered by adjusting our attitude, thoughts and behaviors. It is an opportunity to let go of Ego and defenses and to more fully embrace our Authentic Self. Thus creating the Awesomeness we wish and deserve.

This is why our Partner is a Gift to us. They provide the fertile playground where we get to play, stretch, develop, grow, heal, create and role model… Our interactions are blessings. They are all opportunities for us to embrace our human experience, and for us to be our Best Self.

In Relationship we have the opportunity to reach, embrace and engage our Authentic Self. Our directive is to look at everything through this lens and see where we need to stretch, grow and learn. It is ALL for us.

Everything happens for a reason. There are opportunities and blessings at every turn. Our job is to recognize them, to awaken to this Mystery and use it in our Journey. When we wake up and open our eyes, when we don the blessings lens on, and when we translate misfortune or aggravations into opportunities we recognize how Graceful and truly Bountiful life is. Go ahead, open your eyes, and be Thankful for all the Blessings in disguise.

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…

Happy Thanks Giving!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Take the high road. Step away from your (overt or covert…) steadfast position on an impasse with your partner. Put on Your Enlightenment Lenses™. If you were to look at your situation from a transcended perspective, what would you see? How would you say the situation is prodding you to change? What are you being taught? What are you supposed to learn? How are you supposed to grow?

How is this inviting you to become your Best Self? How are you to stretch to get there? Sit with what comes up. Hold off resentment and other Ego driven feelings and thoughts. Hang in there. Weather the uncomfortableness… Hang with the new perspective. Take a moment to design two concrete behaviors that you will implement consistently to honor this call and step into your new reality… Add this to your Tool Kit…

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How Badly Do You Want An Awesome Relationship?

by Emma Viglucci

How badly do you want to have an awesome relationship with your partner? How committed are you to making the relationship work? Is failure an option? Do you have one foot out the door? I hear partners complain about how they want things to be different, but they don’t take any risks to change things. It makes sense that striving to create the relationship we want is scary, as this would entail Being in the relationship in very specific ways:

Being fully present and available.

Making our partner a priority.

Stretching to meet our partner’s needs.

Being patient, understanding, and compassionate.

Embracing our partner and their world.

Being vulnerable and showing up.

Bringing this way of being with our partner into our relationship takes a huge emotional risk and investment. For what if we are not accepted, wanted, embraced? What if what we give is not good enough? What if we are judged and rejected? What if we are left? What if in giving we lose ourselves? This is scary.

So instead we hide, protect ourselves, and beat on our partner in an effort to make them the partner we want. We make a full commitment to making our partner our ideal partner… We become obsessed with changing them, even if just in the running script in our minds…

The problem is that the obsession holds us back. I’m sure you know by now that you can’t change your partner. When the focus is misplaced this way we force our partner to operate in self-preservation mode, which is usually not pretty… We actually invite the worst of our partner. We end up shooting ourselves in the foot.

We choose this over the risk of operating from the more vulnerable, generous, and altruistic place. An unfortunate choice, as that is actually the gateway to our awesome relationship… Take note for how you invite the worst of your partner, for how you co-create the status quo of your relationship.

Now, don’t misunderstand this. I’m not implying you become a doormat or a punching bag. I’m simply suggesting you put aside the power struggle. You don’t have to have your way just to make a point. You don’t have to punish your partner. You don’t have to parent your partner or teach them a lesson. You don’t have to win or get your way.

You don’t have to be right. Relationships are not about all that. If this is your focus and want to stick with it, I promise you will not be happy nor create the relationship you want. Stop all this silly nonsense. Your digging in your heals in reaction to their reaction is making things worse. Know that you create a non-ending reciprocal pattern when you do this. It’s time to start somewhere and change this. It’s OK to give in, risk, and invest.

Embrace the concept that operating from an altruistic place does not mean or lead to your being cancelled, muted, non-existent, nullified, eliminated… Creating space for your partner to exist and thrive does not take away from who you are, or make you an idiot. It’s OK to be humble, to go with the flow, to Zen-wise detach.

Detach with love and investment. Make positive contributions in your interactions, repair, healing, enrichment, and growth of your relationship: Set appropriate boundaries (watch your delivery). Make responsible requests. Moderate your feelings. Make timely amends. Mindfully share your thoughts. Give generously. Do a lot of Self care.

When you take risks and invest you are empowering your Self and allowing your partner to exist. When your partner’s existence is not threatened, they can bring their best Self to the relationship. And, isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?

Become the ideal partner. Support your partner’s existence. Create safety for your partner to receive you. Invite your partner to be your ideal partner. Take matters into your own hands. Woo your partner in their love language. Go all out. No more hesitation, ambivalence, or holding back. Make a huge investment for a huge return. Go for your awesome relationship today!

Happy Investing!

~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment

Figure out how your partner makes you feel the negative feels you had growing up. You might have to go deep to figure out these feelings and the connection. Go easy on yourself, this is difficult stuff. Then share this new found insight with your partner from a non-blaming position asking them to just hear you out.

Finally, give your partner two specific behavior changes they can choose one from to do providing you with a different outcome than the usual and thus healing you. Make sure the choices you give meet your needs.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.

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