Successful Couples’ Best Practices
I love observing couples. I’m always intrigued by how they operate, especially if it works for them. I’m always learning from the couples around me. I’m in awe and inspired by couples that are dedicated and devoted to making their relationship work better. I’m honored to work with the partners I work with.
Their commitment to their relationship and each other is unparalleled. I love working with them. Sometimes though, the things that partners tolerate surprise me. And, the things they find egregious doubly surprise me. This is when I do education moments during our work so partners don’t end up torturing themselves and each other…
Here are some basic Relationship Best Practices™:
- Know and remember your partner is your ally, not your enemy. Don’t assign negative motives.
- Understand your partner is a Gift, a mirror…, to help you heal, grow, and evolve… If you don’t like something, you have to change something – not the other way around!
- Don’t own your partner – don’t tell them how to be, how to operate, what to do, how to feel, what to believe, what to eat, how to dress, etc. Even in your internal dialogue! This generates animosity and doesn’t serve anyone…
- Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Don’t run away with the story you concoct about what is happening… Mindfully and respectfully check-in about what is going on for them.
- Listen to your partner’s side with understanding, compassion and acceptance. Don’t listen to give advise, fix, judge, make a counter argument, or waiting to give your side…
- Be smart about the timing of your communication. Don’t push if either of you is triggered. Build-in time-outs if things start getting heated, and always come back to wrap things up.
- Understand your partner’s hot buttons, wounds / triggers, and be mindful to avoid these. When your partner is triggered give a response that meets the need underneath the trigger… This is one way we heal.
- Intentionally go about meeting your partner’s needs.
- Intentionally set up structures and systems for getting and staying connected, increasing intimacy, and having fun.
- Intentionally set up structures and systems for operating like a well-oiled machine and creating an amazing life.
It goes without saying that showing up with courtesy and respect is of utmost importance. We build and add the other skills from here. This means no: yelling at, cursing at or name-calling, physicality, blaming, criticizing, and other things we wouldn’t necessarily do in other relationships or to other people…
I find that when couples are struggling they throw right out the window basics things like respect, courtesy, understanding, benefit of the doubt, grace, compassion, appreciation and the like. It’s as if they never learned manners, sensibility and how to be nice. As sad as it sounds, coaching partners to treat their partner as if they were strangers does the trick during stubborn times…
If you do some of these, make it your business to clean this up now and keep it clean no matter what your partner is doing… If you are feeling antagonized then it’s not a good idea to continue the interaction. Take a break and resume addressing your concern, and/or addressing the interaction, at a later time…
You each have relationship rights and responsibilities. Here are some to get your wheels turning, to:
- Be treated well
- Be yourself
- Have needs met
- Have loyalty and honesty
- Have transparency
- Have privacy
- Have freedom
- Have accountability
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to expand our capacity and skill for being tolerant, accepting, and compassionate towards our partner while being accountable and having appropriate boundaries ourselves… We don’t want to freak out over mundane things, and we don’t want to overlook inappropriate and harmful behavior and attitudes.
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to really mind what we put into it… We tend to focus on what our partner puts in, victimizing ourselves… We pat ourselves on the back for putting in things we want to put in, as opposed to things that nurture the relationship and that our partner prefers.
What’s the point of that?! We don’t have to work so hard or invest so much. We just have to do the right kind of investing, giving in our partner’s love language. It goes a longer way… There is a saying in networking circles: “Givers, Gain”…
Stop fighting it and power struggling. Just start giving more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Find an area in your relationship where your ownership is skewed and your boundaries can use some recalibrating. Note sure where?
Think on times when you are frustrated and annoyed with your partner. This is a strong indicator that you are owning them and not taking care of yourself properly. Make a list of these times and find pattern(s) or recurring issue(s).
Select one and use Relationship Best Practices™ to address it and make a change.
Own your Self, transform your interactions!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
