Couples struggle the most when they have poor boundaries. When they tell each other, whether to the other’s face or in their own mind, how to be, how to feel, how to behave, what to think, etc. They are imposing themselves on their partner not allowing their partner to be themselves.
This causes the other to be cautious, unavailable, reactive, rageful, passive aggressive, flaky, and all kinds of ways that are not conducive to intimacy, togetherness, respect, peace and love.
How can they feel close, intimate, accepted, appreciated and loved if they are told not to be themselves? How can two people know each other and be intimate if they can’t show up in their relationship? The trick is to allow the other to Be themselves, to accept them as they are, as scary as that might be …
Contrary to popular belief, this is not what will hurt you in the relationship … What hurts is what partners do to protect themselves from being told not be themselves! Talk about ironic.
Take a risk, let your partner be themselves, and allow for intimacy to happen. The video below guides you in safely taking this plunge.
5 Tips for More Intimacy:
1) Create opportunities for connecting
2) Ensure emotional safety
3) Appropriately set up interactions
4) Share from the heart, share your “mind”
5) Purpose is to “get” and accept each other These guarantee a deeper connection and more intimacy! Start applying these steps now.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want! Make this Valentine Season a meaningful one. Create more connection and intimacy! Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about a side of you that you don’t usually share with your partner. Think about why you usually don’t share it. What are you afraid of? What feedback, message, have you gotten from your partner (and your past…) that has created this for you? What do you imagine their fear is that does not allowed for this part of you to show up?
Share your thought process around this with your partner – check if what you imagine is their fear fits for them, approach this from a curiosity place and not a judgmental, accusatory, shaming or blaming place, pad the discussion with reassurance and safety for your partner, advise your partner that you will be taking a risk and showing more of you.
Make the request that they support you and share with you what’s happening for them as you show up more… Accept what comes up for them, don’t try to fix it… The circularity, respect and honoring of this creates healing and growth, and allows for deepening the intimacy and enriching your connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s interesting that we seek “togetherness” in our relationship, but this is exactly what brings about its demise and our general unhappiness … As a culture, we are experiencing numbness, a lack of Desire in our Relationship … Monogamy, exclusivity, our partner-meeting-all-our-needs, marriage for love is a fairly new phenomenon in our society, a conundrum actually.
We set up the institution of marriage to fail by bringing our archaic Being into it. Our un-evolved, wounded, low frequency, disowned Self has the prime directive to feel safe through attachment, and therefore approaches “togetherness” with a reactive balancing act of clinging and distancing for self preservation …
This is an Ego approach to togetherness, relationship, and marriage which creates physical and energetic space, distance and disconnect.
All while remaining psychically fused, enmeshed, symbiotic, codependent, “together” … The death of actual intimacy, excitement and Aliveness …
Our culture’s obsession with individualism, independence and autonomy creates attachment rupture early in life and then tops this injury with inadequate launching of its young breeding the Ego approach to life and relationships and preserving the underdeveloped psyche, Self.
As a result, we buy into the illusion of being “separate” (individual) and attempting to be “together” (close) when the opposite is true. We are fused and distant perpetuating disconnect, detachment, indifference, paralyses, dissatisfaction, stuckness, ambivalence, and apathy. Definitely not Desire and Aliveness …
We mean well. We have the right idea, to pursue togetherness (intimacy, closeness) while remaining separate (individual) but we are going about this all wrong. Our unmet emotional needs prompt us to seek “togetherness” through the clinging and distancing pattern we all know too well eternalizing the status quo with its continuous recreation of rapture and disregulation.
Our psychic investment in getting our emotional needs met tromps our ability to be effectively separate creating a missing the forest for the tree syndrome …
This proximity prevents us from seeing our Partner, from knowing them for who they truly are and vise versa. This proximity prevents us from genuinely showing up, from being who we are … It robs us of the opportunity to see the Man or Woman behind the label (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, mother, father); to be the Man or Woman behind the label …
There is no faster way to kill Desire than by playing our everyday roles … They are familial, domestic, routine and restrictive. They are not sexy!
Further more, this level of “proximity,” trying to get our emotional intimacy needs met and following societal definitions of our prescribed roles, thwarts curiosity, mystery, and longing elemental to Desire. So, not only do we not get to see our partner, we also don’t get to miss our partner… And, we don’t even know what we might be missing! We just stew stubbornly in our unhappiness …
The key is to ride the uncomfortable edge, to straddle the line between closeness and space, with mindfulness, respectfulness, receptiveness, acceptance, openness, flexibility, compassion, forgiveness, humanity, responsiveness and progressiveness …
No longer be me- or other-focused, just Be. Bring your Self to the in-between … Expand the in-between, Play there … Now this is sexy! This unleashes Attraction, Desire, Passion, Aliveness … And, in this space you are One … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
What makes you You? What is unique and beautiful about you? What are your interests? What grabs your attention? What’s your philosophy in life? How is your lens different? How does this manifest in your surroundings, opportunities, relationships and how you carry your Self? How do you show this to your partner? Do you show this to your partner? Does your partner get to see you? Make two “moves” that will allow your partner to see you …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.
I ask that you put aside your usual thinking about the planning and celebrating of the Holidays, and instead look at them as a mirror of your life and relationship … Take a deep breath and hang in here with me … Let’s get down and dirty.
The way you do the Holidays, and any other celebrations, is how you do your relationship … Take a moment to think about this. I’m asking to transcend and stretch your thinking … Give this a try and remove yourself from your earthly, material, and practical perspective and engage your essence and energy. Take deep breath …
Can you see the parallel? Can you see that your MO shows up everywhere? Can you see that what you put in is what you get back? Can you see that you are writing your own story? Can you see that you invite what you get? Can you see that how authentic you are (core you without defense mechanisms!) in your relationship translates to how intimate you can be in your relationship? Can you see that how much you show up in your life dictates the kind of life you have?? Take another deep breath …
The way you go about doing the Holidays is how you go about doing your relationship and your partner, and how you engage with them during the Holidays is how you usually engage with them … How has this been working for you?
The challenge I propose today is to do this differently. I want you to plan your Holidays using your Authentic Self, your Being … Bring your Energy to your planning, and give your Doing a break … Get out of your own way and allow the beauty of others to join you …
Get out of your own way and allow YOUR beauty to show up! If your Energy could speak … What would it say? What would it ask for? What would it set up? What would it give? Remember, your Energy is Love, Nurturing, Compassion, Abundance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Creativity, Flexibility, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Community, Togetherness, Security, Strength, Power, Peace, Passion, Vibrancy, Light, Life …
Your Energy can speak … Your energy is You … Use your Self well. Just show up! In showing up, you have won the war. You have transcended Fear, you have beat the Ego, you rejoice with your partner’s Self, and you are in Communion, and All is well …
Go for it, decide how and where you’ll show up, gift others with your Presence, and stop the mediocracy today!
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Showing Up!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think on an area of Holiday Merriment that usually creates stress for you. Let go of the practical aspect of this challenge and put it instead into relationship terms … How would you like the big picture to be different? Who would you have to be to belong in that picture? Go for it, embrace your Higher Self and show up as you wish you could … It is that simple …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!
There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…
This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.
But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…
What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating.
This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…
It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.
Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter?
Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!
Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair.
They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.
Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!
Below is your MetroRelationship™ Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want!
The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.
Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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