Do you remember when you were a kid and wanted something really badly? Whether you nagged someone to death to get it, or tried, rehearsed, or practiced incessantly – you knew what it would take to get it and went for it. As kids we knew that repeating actions got results: learning to ride a bike, swim, dive, run faster or longer, speak another language, play an instrument, make baskets, ace tests, drive, beat a game, etc. Somehow as we got older we learned to expect quick results, or give up after a couple of tries. Long gone are the days of trial and error, persistence and perseverance. How did we outgrow these strengths?
Somewhere along the way, we developed our Ego… Which tells us that some things are beneath us, that what we want should be easy or it’s not meant to be…, that sticking through something is for chumps, that it shouldn’t be hard to get what we want, that we shouldn’t have to work so hard, etc. Even though there is some truth in these, how we frame them and apply them is what is important. For example, some things are beneath us. Being a jerk to less fortunate peeps is beneath us. At the end of the day we are all equal… Doing some tasks might be beneath us, but not because we are better than someone else but because we are wasting our talents and gifts… Get my drift?
The problem here is that we do not place these in the proper context and as a result we lose sight of our path and our innate strengths… It is time to reclaim our inner child’s characteristics and strengths and lead with them. It is time to play a bigger game. And, yes, this does mean being persistent, focused and obsessed. This is how things get accomplished… This is how we get results. Any highly successful person will attest to this…
Highly successful peeps don’t give up at the first sign of disappointment, when they think they’ve tried it all – they still find something else to try…, they create habits and structures that support them, they ask for help when needed, they surround themselves with a success team… Right? This applies to all areas of our life, not just our career or business. It’s just like when we were kids, we practiced doing cartwheels until we could do them effortlessly. Why should our relationship be any different? Why do peeps give up on their partner? Treat your relationship like a cartwheel, keep trying to get it until you do. For if you go at anything with that much enthusiasm, investment and commitment you will get it! How many times did Thomas Edison try before he succeeded in inventing the light bulb?
I know that this sentiment might feel outdated, naïve, unrealistic, codependent, etc. in today’s society… But I believe we give up way too easily on most things we want, especially our relationship. Now I’m not suggesting just staying in a relationship to say you had a long-term relationship… I’m whole-heartedly saying to make your relationship work. If you want your relationship to work, it will! If you go at it as if there is no option but for it to work, you’ll see the difference… This is my approach to my couples and it makes a massive difference…
Stop trying the same things, go at it from a different angle. Get support. Put a success team in place to assist you: house cleaner, sitter, therapist/coach, routine massages and other self-care, etc. Treat your relationship like a goal… Decide how you want your relationship to look and go for it. Break it down to actions, behaviors, and investments. For every characteristic you wish in your relationship, there is at least one behavior you can do consistently to create it… Check it out: Trust – transparency, commitment – dated plans, intimacy – sharing, passion – vulnerability, connection – touching base; you try…
Go for it in terms of how you want to be as a partner… Start being the partner you want to be by consistently carrying out actions to invest in your relationship bank. Make a deposit everyday. Create Relationship Success Habits…
The key is to stay focused, be persistent, and to make consistent targeted, relevant and concrete investments in your relating.
Focus on what YOU are investing and keep doing it… Complete the MetroRelationship™
Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog! Happy Investing! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick a Relationship Characteristic you’d like to experience and treat it like a goal… What skills, stretches, do you need to learn? What actions can you implement to become proficient? What concrete investments can you make? Integrate these consistently into your routine, daily interactions. Liken this to being an athlete and training. As an athlete you’d always invest in staying healthy, fit and on top of your game. Make the same kind of commitment in your relationship. Keep on investing, keep a consistent approach and always step it up a notch… Go for the gold! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Abundance in our life is experienced in direct proportion to the level of Self Love and Self Care we give ourselves… Take a moment to soak that in. When we are stingy with our Self, our energy vibrates at a lower frequency which attracts other low frequency people, situations and results in our experience…
This ranges from having your driver’s license suspended, to a tree falling on your house, to going bankrupt, to a family member becoming seriously ill, to you becoming seriously ill, and even death. Now, I’m not trying to be gruesome, but I’ve witnessed and have experienced this level of low vibrations. It’s not pretty.
When we operate from such a low vibrational level, we have the experience of everything going wrong, life being challenging, the world is against us, people are out to get us or bring us down, things break or just decide not to work, we get hurt, etc. There is an experience of being or witnessing a train wreck…
This shows up with varying intensity and manifestation throughout our lives. When it is obviously at play, it is an indication that a repeating pattern hasn’t yet been broken, a lesson still needs to be learned, a code needs to be cracked or a stretch is required to move to the next level in our Journey…
If we are able to frame disappointment, frustration, roadblocks, lack, headaches, heartaches, and the like as mere indicators of where proper and informed attention is needed, we’d realize that life is actually not so difficult and more akin to a game to be intentionally played and enjoyed. For the Journey itself is the Human Experience we are seeking… Our task here on Earth is to live well… To have Authentic lives that are in alignment with our Soul.
What does it mean to be in alignment with our Soul? This means embracing our Creator’s characteristics as we were created in HisHer likeness – positive, compassionate, forgiving, loving, magnificent. It means embracing our Purpose, what we came down to do and experience. It means honoring our Self.
Most of us go through life dismissing and discounting our Prime Directive. We don’t mind our vibrational energy. We revel in misery as if that is normal… We don’t intentionally attend to our mood and feelings. We let them run the show and worse, we let Ego inform them. We do not identify and own our Purpose. We do not respect nor honor our Selves. This is not living an Authentic Life, a Soulful Life.
I know this is daunting to those of you who are just opening up to the existential angle to creating the life and relationship you want. For some of you all this is a given are now fine tuning how you do your Journey.
For yet others, this might sound like a crock of s*** and don’t see the relevance at all to your relationship and are wondering why I’m writing about this… I’m with you all… I just want the skeptics to stretch a little and see how you can apply any of this to your current experience. I witness day in and day out that the skeptics struggle the most… So, please, stay open and find the sliver that is resonating with you today and embrace it…
Coming full circle and on the more practical side of things. A way to honor our Self, and give our Soul its Human Experience, is to practice Self Care. This is how we experience an Abundant Life. We all have different ideas about what Self Care entails and I encourage you to develop a Self Care Practice that is rich and diverse.
I also want to add to your repertoire by introducing, or reminding you, of a powerful Relational Self Care tactic, that of sharing your perspective and experience. This honors your Existence…
This does not mean to be stubborn, power struggle, nit pick at your partner, force your idea or world on them, seek agreement, demand your way, and such. This does mean to share your internal word (thoughts, feelings, perspective, experiences, memories, etc.) with your partner while being mindful and respectful of theirs. An Awesome Relationship is comprised of two partners that get to fully show up and be accepted…
As I’ve written in the past, our job is to mind our Selves not our Partner… Be the boss of you, and only you. Step up the Self Care to raise your energy’s vibrational frequency and enrich your way of Being. Watch Abundance increase in all areas of your life…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Self Caring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Invite your Partner to a game of “Getting to Know Each Other More” (it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together!!). You each get to write a list of 100 items about yourselves that your partner might not know, that you want to showcase, dreams, wishes, preferences, bucket list, anything you want. Then schedule a Reveal Date where you get to share items on your lists. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding).
They feel they are behind their peers in terms of professional and relational achievements, and can’t seem to synchronize on handling the business of creating a joint life and getting their needs met.
In these couples the partners show up in two ways:
One is the pursuer (borderline tendencies…) – the one that needs connection and acknowledgement to feel OK.
The other is the distancer (narcissistic tendencies…) – the one that needs more space to be themselves to feel OK.
Note, that nothing in life is so clear cut – there is range on both sides on how this manifests. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
These partners create a loop of pursuing and distancing that creates more stuck patterns and dissatisfaction. They constantly hurt each other, usually not intentionally. Their main focus is to make sure they are OK. Their ego is on overdrive to make sure they are not smothered or swallowed up (for the distancer) and not abandoned or rejected (for the pursuer).
The ego’s approach at making sure we are OK, is to do more of the same and more intensely – nobody ever said the ego is smart… Therefore, if you are a pursuer – to feel OK you pursue even more. If you are a distancer, to feel OK to distance even more… If your partner distances, you pursue. If your partner pursues, you distance. You see how we can get stuck?
One of the pursuer’s main fear is not to be seen, feeling like they don’t exist or count. For the distancer, one main fear is of not being good enough, or feeling small or not measuring up.
The way the partners go about addressing their related needs trigger the other’s fears which engage their ego further (the fear-based approach to relating and life). When the pursuer wants connection and acknowledgement and they don’t get it, they micromanage and criticize to get what they want – which makes the distancer feel not good enough and small like they don’t have a voice or can’t be themselves.
When the distancer wants space and have a voice and they don’t get it, they shut down and withdraw and go do their own thing – which makes the pursuer feel abandoned, not wanted and not existent.
And, this creates a mess! Here are two quick tips to start breaking the codependency:
1 – Own yourself and not your partner! If I got a dollar for every time I say or write that… Mind your beliefs, thinking, feelings, communication, and attitude and behavior… and not your partner’s…
2 – Work your “stretch”. If you are a distancer, your stretch is to feel your feelings, own your voice responsively and respectfully, and not shut down or withdraw – safeguard the connection… If you are a pursuer, your stretch is to contain yourself, self soothe, self regulate and self manage, find ways to stay grounded and engaged, and to be patient and stand still…
When couples focus on changing how they are contributing to their stuckness and invest in stretching and changing their own approach to the relationship and their partner, beautiful things start to happen. I wish this for you. I you happiness , abundance and authenticity upon you!
Happy Stretching!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
If you are a distancer – find two areas you need to be more vocal on and mindfully share your perspective on them… (this gives you a voice and importance)
If you are a pursuer – find two self care activities to integrate into your routine… (this helps you self soothe and regulate)
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Usually we have good intentions and mean to invest in our relationship. Somehow this fizzles from the moment we have that thought or attitude to the next moment… We are very fickle in our thinking about the status and course of our relationship. One moment we are partners for life, the next we can’t wait to get rid of our partner… I see this day in and day out…
I see this play out in two ways in relationships:One is lack of focus, discipline and commitment. I find that partners mean well, they have an attitude and perspective adjustment, agree to invest in their relationship to soon after lose focus, dedication, momentum and commitment to their investment…
The other includes the arrogant and resistant partners who question everything, lack faith, struggle owning themselves, get stuck in victimhood or in logic when the business of being in a relationship is far from logical… If you are like most partners you probably have a combination of these.
The key is to establish mechanisms to keep you from fizzling:Challenging your thinking and perspectives when your Ego kicks in – Get in touch with your Authentic Self, compassion, love… Stay vigilant for any negative, other owning, blaming, and not accountable or honorable thinking. As soon as you spot these, eradicate them.
Using your emotional system – Most couples have one partner that is very emotional and one that is not very in touch with their feelings… The emotional partner is to contain and self-regulate, moderate their feelings. The other is to get in touch with them and share them.
Implementing self-management systems – Create repetition patterns for self-care (i.e., get a massage the last Friday of the month) and to-dos (i.e., do laundry every Sunday morning) and schedule them as necessary.
Implementing relationship enrichment systems – Establish rituals and routines for your contribution and nurturing (i.e., weekly dates, appreciation times, getting current “appointments”, night time flow, etc.).
Getting support – Put in place whatever you need to help you stay focused and properly investing in your relationship and your life! Enlist or hire help for chores, childcare, house maintenance, finances, nutrition, fitness, health, relationship shifting and enriching, and others that fit your situation and desires.
When we are intentional about our approach to our relationship and our life, we can’t not create the relationship and life we desire. The key is to be as intentional as possible about everything… You are the creator of your relationship and your life. Make it count. Set out to create an Awesome Relationship and an Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Creating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Be very mindful of what thoughts you allow to rent space in your head! Your mindset and expectations create your reality… Be intentional about your thinking and expectations. Identify two things that bother you about your relationship. Examine your thinking around them. Change your Ego perspective and expectations to a Compassionate and Loving perspective RIGHT NOW! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Honor your Self. What does that mean? In my book, it means getting in touch with our Core, True, Authentic Self, our Soul, and operating from it in all we do.
This means being in connection with our Self, knowing our Self. Most of the time we are in a fog and cacophony of daily minutiae, mired in our ego approach to our relating and our life. We are shut down and completely disconnected from our Self.
Who are you? What is the point of you? Why are you here? What is the purpose of your life? I know these are huge questions, and one has to be ready to tackle them… If this feels too esoteric or out there right now, let it be and instead ponder its more basic form:
How do you want to live your life? How do you want your daily routine to look like? How do you want your surroundings to look like? Who do you want in your life? How do you want your relationships to look like? How do you want to spend your time? How do you want to be of service or give back to the world?
Honoring our Self means owning our Self. We usually have a hard time responsibly, responsively, mindfully and lovingly sharing our position on things and preferences. We instead manipulate, control, coerce, reject, dismiss or underhandedly try to get our way and make others do our bidding.
Operating from our Authentic Self means being open, honest, forthcoming, transparent, accountable, honorable, trustworthy, loyal, Clean. It means sharing our Self, being vulnerable and available.
Honoring our Self means setting up our life for Success. Most people run a haphazard life without intention. They come and go without a plan. They live day-by-day barely managing daily responsibilities and running themselves into the ground without enjoying or actually living their life.
They live putting out fires, having others own their time and resources, and never fully using their Gifts or creating much with their Life. Here our job is to set up proper boundaries, routines, systems, support, beautiful spaces, ways to meet our needs, a guiding vision, and to stay focused on our goals.
Honoring our Self means embracing our Humanity. We overly identify with our mind, ego, achievements, physicality, and possessions. We get stuck in our human experience as opposed to embracing our Humanity… We get stuck by our human limitations and do our life as if we are in a fish tank… We see, think, and operate small. We allow our human body to dictate our abilities, focus, and possibilities.
When in truth we can transcend this by operating from our Soul. Our body and mind are tools to help us carry out our Soul’s Will… We embrace Humanity through understanding, compassion, love, and giving; and by living an intentional and meaningful life.
Honoring our Self means being grateful, abundant, and a beacon of Light. We question why things happen to us. We struggle. We repeat patterns. The pain in your life is a spotlight on a code that you need to crack. This is your lesson. This is your opportunity to learn and grow for in so doing your Gift, that is to be shared with others, manifests.
Be grateful for the opportunities in your life, see the Good in them, as this is where your life’s purpose originates. Figure out what is the lesson you are to be learning, and learn it. Then share this with others. Be a beacon of Light.
Our relationship is fertile ground for Life Lessons… Our partner is our Life Partner. Together we learn, crack codes, grow, decipher and manifest our Gifts. Open your eyes. Place things in perspective. How are you to grow. What are you to learn. Get to it already. Before you know it you’ve created an Awesome Relationship – a MetroRelationship™, an Authentic Relationship, and an Authentic Life…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Honoring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick a way in that you need to start Honoring your Self more.
Explore what this means to you and how it impacts the current status of your relationship and your life.
Identify two actions you would like to implement to start Honoring your Self, and implement them.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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