I’m sure it hasn’t escaped you that we are generally living a very hurried and packed-day lifestyle. The ever-increasing connectivity platforms, flow of information, and demands for our attention are just immense compared to even just 5 years ago. The amount of stuff we attend to, and the immediate expected response time to boot, tax our internal resources beyond ways we even recognize.
I’m acutely aware of this syndrome not only as it impacts myself, my wellbeing and productivity, but also as it is evident in the symptomology and collateral damage clients report. When we are so inundated with things to do and with information overload. When we rush from one meeting to the next, or one activity to the next. When we take on more clients that fit our schedule or projects that fit our work hours.
When we double and triple book our time with professional and personal commitments that we partially attend one to make another, or are constantly playing the choosing game. When we barely have time to grab a bite to eat and go to the restroom.
When we take on more commitments and responsibilities than we have the mental bandwidth to hold, process and work. When we don’t make any time for self care. What happens? Well, speaking from experience, the *s—t hits the fan, that’s what happens.
When we constantly operate from this taxed place, we are actually taxing other areas of our life… When we are not operating optimally, we don’t have the brain capacity to process information appropriately, to access our genius, to tap our creativity, to respond vs react, to connect to love, to feel compassion, to have a zest for life.
We are actually living on life support… We are barely Alive! What is the point of all this? We might say, we do these things to live a fuller life. But are we? Who are we kidding? All this is to what end? We drive ourselves into the ground. For what?
And, what is worse, we are teaching our children to do this. It is nauseating for me to watch the overscheduled household… When parents are running children from activity to activity, from event to event. I know someone who was once boasting that they had 7 parties they were attending in one weekend.
Really? That sounds like a lot of rushing around to me… Where is the fun? Where is the pleasure? What’s the point? I see parents pulling children out of sport games or practices to go to band practices, other sports practices, or something else. What?
Don’t get me wrong, if you’ve met me, you know I GO. So all this coming from me… There is no judgment here, just concern and compassion for those who still have this as their primary way of doing their life.
I witness people meaning well but hurting themselves and their loved ones without even realizing it. When we do all this rushing around and binging we miss the opportunity to Be with each other, to feel each other, to get each other, to be intimate. We miss the opportunity to Connect. We miss the opportunity of being touched by an interaction and enjoying the beauty in the moment. We miss the Meaningful.
When we do all this rushing around and binging, we are more stressed, we have more fights, we have more accidents, we hurt ourselves, we hurt others, we form poor habits, we get sick more often, we don’t have the internal resources available to do our relationship and life well, we just don’t enjoy our lot. We find that the joy, peace, pleasure, connection, fun and other wonderful experiences we desire elude us.
This makes for a miserable existence where relationships and families breakdown. Let’s stop the nonsense. Do we really need to do all we do? Do we really need to do it the way we do it? Do we really need to spend so much time going from one place to another?
Do we really need to have so much screen time – on social media, surfing the net, streaming apps (or watching TV), gaming, checking email, or however else we use technology? Let’s stop all this noise. Let’s chill-out.
Let’s build in transition time. Let’s build in quite time. Let’s build in recharge, self-care, grounding, being in nature, inspirational and personal development time. Let’s build in time enjoy the relationships and life we have. Let’s build in time to Be with each other. Let’s Be.
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
I know it’s hard to build in all these extra kinds of time when we are already operating with a time deficit… That’s the conundrum people think they have… But this is an erroneous perspective. We all have the same amount of time. Yet some of us get a lot more accomplished, and with more ease and enjoyment, than others…
This is another example of where setting effective boundaries pays off. To be able to build in the kinds of time that make life enjoyable and worth living, we first need to the create space. We obviously can’t allocate time we don’t have to allocate…
We create space by letting go of commitments, projects, activities, responsibilities, redundancies, etc. through saying no, giving back, reassigning, pulling out, delegating, hiring out, crossing off, etc. And, we set additional boundaries that protect our time, our energy, and other resources…
This spaciousness in and of it self allows us to be more resourced, while making for better time allocation so we do live our life more fully. Let’s trend not rushing and binging, but chilling and Being.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Chilling!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to review your upcoming week. Not only take in the appointments and time commitments you made, but take in your workload, responsibilities, to-dos, etc. …
Note how you feel as you think of each item. Do they give you joy, frustration, a sense of doom, other? List the items you don’t feel so hot about.
Brainstorm ways to get out of doing them. This is not a ploy like getting out of doing H.W. or going to school for a day. Figure out how to eliminate each item from your catchment area. This can be a work in progress… Keep this lens on to keep reclaiming your time.
Don’t rush to immediately refill the space made… Enjoy the spaciousness and leave some spaciousness as you reallocate your time…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We meet somebody, we like them, and we entertain their company more and more. Then, we decide we really like them and decide to go steady. Then, we decide we love them and start thinking of a life together. Then, we get wheels in motion to have a life together. And, all along the way we do this haphazardly and by-the-seat-of-our-pants. We think we are planning and deciding, but are we?
We use superficial reasons, using resume-like things, to decide if we should entertain someone, and eventually like them. When there actually are unconscious mechanisms at play deciding for us! Have you ever wondered what two people saw in each other?
Did you ever feel a pull to someone who was not your type? Have you wondered why you stayed in relationships that didn’t work and couldn’t understand why you did? Do you wonder now why you stay with your partner when you feel your relationship is not working?
The reason is because you are not really choosing, or you are choosing for some superficial reasons again… The unconscious glue is beyond the scope of this article, but suffice it to say that this is why we struggle in relationship.
What to do? Two things. One, delve into your unconscious and subconscious processes to understand what’s happening, and then to actively work on reprogramming yourself and accessing your Authentic Self… Two, be intentional about the relationship you want to create.
Being intentional about what you want to create first requires you to know what you want! This brings me back to the fact that we usually do our relationship by accident and not by design… So, let’s not do that anymore. Let’s start creating your radiant relationship.
Letting go of how you experience your present situation with your partner, think on what your ideal relationship (with your partner) would look like? Be careful not to think of how your partner would be different… This doesn’t work! You can’t change your partner.
Take a step back and think about what would it be like if you had the relationship you wanted? I know this is a difficult thing to do, but stay with me.
Pause how you are thinking about this in terms of logic, possibility, and the pragmatic side of things. Suspend logic for a second, which by the way is also Ego… Take a Higher perspective and look at the possibilities in your relationship.
Put your Self and your Partner in a bubble in your mind’s eye, completely detached from really, and see what you can see as possible? Imagine you visit an alternate reality where you have the relationship you want with your partner…
You get to observe this version of yourself and your partner in this world, and this couple can’t see you… You get to fully Witness their relationship… What do you see?
How do they wake up in the morning? What morning routine do they have? How do they nurture each other? How do they go about their day? How do they stay connected if they are not together? How do they transition into the evening, and then the night? How do they interact?
How do they deal with the business of life? How do they make decisions? How do they get things done? How do they set goals and go about achieving them? How do they have fun? What kind of lifestyle do they have? What kind of life are they living? How do they create a legacy? How do they inspire others?
This is where you remain open, curious, intrigued, accepting, receiving, understanding (don’t doubt, begrudge, judge, resent, etc…). Stay in the possibility. Stay fluid. Suspend rationality and observe with acceptance, compassion, heart, Love. See the partner. See their Authentic Self. Know that this is YOUR Partner… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Know that the other person is you… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Take a moment to note how you don’t allow these things now… For real, don’t blame your partner for you not being able to be who you want to be, who you are… Stop that now, and own your Self. Think about how you are getting in your way of not having the relationship you want… How are you not fully showing up? How are you still blaming your partner…? Detach from this and sit in Love and compassion for your Self. Accept your Self. Give your Self Love.
Operate from a place of Love, for your self, and your partner, going forward. Operate in the here and now as if you are the version of your Self in your alternate reality… Own the possibilities and make them true!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When people think of boundaries, they think of boundaries they need to put in place for relating with other people… This is true, but there are more important boundaries that need to be addressed first if setting boundaries with others are to be effective…
The other set of boundaries are boundaries you set for yourself… Don’t balk, this is one of the most important things you’ll ever do in life… Aside from focusing on ever improving my own boundaries, I specialize in working with people who struggle with the concept and application of setting effective boundaries (whether they know it or not!). It is usually blatant when people are having difficulties with boundaries.
I’m sure you have seen this as well. But more importantly, I want you to be able to see this in your own relationship, and not only in your interactions but in your own thinking… For that’s where the rubber meets the road…
Most often when partners are frustrated with their partner it’s because they are owning them in some way… Meaning they are thinking how their partner should be, think, feel, behave, etc. They are measuring, judging and criticizing. When you do this, this means you are in your partner’s circle, and therefore owning them.
This disempowers them, and you… Explaining this further is beyond this article, but know that this is the surest way to be unhappy and create a yucky relationship.
The trick is to think and talk intentionally about how you feel and what you need, without telling your partner what to do and how to be (even in your own head!)… This is huge. If this is the only change you make in your life, your life would still be transformed! Give it a try. Clean your thinking and presentation. Own your Self, set effective boundaries on yourself…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Self Owning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Select a time to sit with your Self and dream… Make a date and safeguard this appointment.
Use this time to envision, see with your mind’s eye, your Alternate Reality™. Witness it. Explore it. Know it.
Describe and capture what you observe in a recording modality of your choice (journal, computer, other electronic device). Capture characteristics, behaviors, skills, environment, experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc. Capture how you are… What you contribute. How you set things up. How you respond. How you show up. Your brilliance…
Pull a theme that really talks to you from the above, and translate that into concrete behaviors you can introduce now into your relationship… Then just do them, regardless of what your partner is doing!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We know being in relationship and managing a joint life is not easy specially when both partners have busy and demanding careers or commitments. Life can feel like a challenge everyday…
I created the Successful Couple Strategy™ (the Successful Couple Process™ revised) from the work I do with couples assisting them create their successful relationship. It incorporates key concepts from established clinical theories and therapies, wellness and success insights and principles, and my proven processes, techniques, and tools.
It helps intimate partners easily get on the same page, become a stronger partnership and increase their connection, intimacy and fun. Partners get to fall in love with each other again, and enjoy peace, joy, and love in their home and create a life of meaning.
The Strategy flows from my MetroRelationship™ Philosophy where the Relationship is the cornerstone of our Life… There is inherent synergy in our partnership, which usually goes untapped… Our partner is our life Partner… Our partner is a Gift for our own evolution… They are the mirror to show us how we are being so we can see how we need to change.
They are the playmate in the playground that is our relationship. They are the sand in our clam. They are the perfect match to trigger our sensitivities so we now have another chance to get what we didn’t get growing up. When we get our core needs met, we heal. When we stretch to meet that of our partner, we grow.
As we evolve together we can create something amazing, of amazing impact… We do this through role modeling and being inspiring as a couple, through our (co)parenting, and through taking on a Cause for larger impact to humanity. But this can’t take place if we don’t crack the code on how to do our relationship well!
Partners have the tendency to go about their relationship with blinders on missing out on the opportunities for healing and growth. They miss the forest for the tree. They get stuck in their perspective and their usual MO in their interactions, viewing and treating each other like enemies as opposed to using this as the vehicle of possibilities that it is…
The key is to approach our partner as an ally, as our Partner, from a heart-centered place… From here we get that we are in this together, for a reason, and that being vulnerable and working together makes all the difference. Therefore we can have compassion for our mutual experience… This is the essence of our Human experience…
When we miss this, we are not really living our Life… It’s time to Awaken and live the life you were meant to live!
The Successful Couples Strategy™
The Strategy is comprised of five core Elements that when assimilated and integrated into the relational approach create a transformation, not only for the relationship but also for the overall quality of life of the partners and the couple. The more the Elements are embraced the quicker and more profound the change…
Element 1 – Context: Empower Your Self Do you feel stuck and yearn for more in your relationship?
Shift your relationship mindset and break the impasse
Element 2 – Communication:Be Heard and Validated Do you experience frequent misunderstandings?
Effortlessly get on the same page and better get each other
Element 3 – Clarity: Get Your Needs Met
Do you have recurring conflicts and disagreements?
Understand why you have recurring dissatisfying interactions and change the pattern
Element 4 – Connection: Become More Connected
Do you feel lonely, taken for granted, and unappreciated?
Reignite your love, deepen your intimacy and enhance your passion
Element 5 – Collaboration: Create Your Dream Life
Are you carrying the brunt of the responsibilities in your home?
Create a sustainable rock solid partnership and enjoy a peaceful, loving and inspiring home
Each Element addresses a significant relationship factor that when operating haphazardly and unintentionally tends to undermine the wellbeing of the partners, the couple and their success. How is your relationship foundation? Are your core relationship factors established purposefully and intentionally? Or is your relationship built on a house of cards and running on fumes?
It’s time to pay attention and add some intentionality to your relating. Make sure your Relationship Succeeds!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Take a step back and analyze your relationship for the Gift it’s supposed to be for YOU.
Do you get how it’s a gift? Do you see what it’s supposed to do for you? Do you see how you can use it for your healing and growth? Do you see the opportunities for these day in and day out? Do you see how your partner is your life Partner?
When you get beyond the minutia of life and break the impasse in your relationship, what do you think you’ll see as the purpose of your union? What higher calling might be involved? What action can you take today to honor that?
This line of thinking is not for the faint of heart… If this is beyond your capabilities right now because of the status of your relationship, don’t worry you are not alone. Just know that miracles do happen, and this too shall pass. Just be open to the idea that this is just a bump on the road, and that awesomeness is in store for you.
Also, make sure you do what you are supposed to do to make changes in yourself and your relationship… Make sure you own what you contribute to the status quo and move mountains to change your side!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Transforming!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify what Element of the Successful Couple Strategy™ needs your attention:
Element 1 – Context: Empower Your Self
Shift your relationship mindset and break the impasse
Element 2 – Communication:Be Heard and Validated
Effortlessly get on the same page and better get each other
Element 3 – Clarity: Get Your Needs Met
Understand why you have recurring dissatisfying interactions and change the pattern
Element 4 – Connection: Become More Connected
Reignite your love, deepen your intimacy and enhance your passion
Element 5 – Collaboration: Create Your Dream Life
Create a sustainable rock solid partnership and enjoy a peaceful, loving and inspiring home
Explore ways to bring this Element to par. Select one and create an actionable item around it to implement immediately and start your transformation!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I love observing couples. I’m always intrigued by how they operate, especially if it works for them. I’m always learning from the couples around me. I’m in awe and inspired by couples that are dedicated and devoted to making their relationship work better. I’m honored to work with the partners I work with.
Their commitment to their relationship and each other is unparalleled. I love working with them. Sometimes though, the things that partners tolerate surprise me. And, the things they find egregious doubly surprise me. This is when I do education moments during our work so partners don’t end up torturing themselves and each other…
Here are some basic Relationship Best Practices™:
Know and remember your partner is your ally, not your enemy. Don’t assign negative motives.
Understand your partner is a Gift, a mirror…, to help you heal, grow, and evolve… If you don’t like something, you have to change something – not the other way around!
Don’t own your partner – don’t tell them how to be, how to operate, what to do, how to feel, what to believe, what to eat, how to dress, etc. Even in your internal dialogue! This generates animosity and doesn’t serve anyone…
Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc. Don’t run away with the story you concoct about what is happening… Mindfully and respectfully check-in about what is going on for them.
Listen to your partner’s side with understanding, compassion and acceptance. Don’t listen to give advise, fix, judge, make a counter argument, or waiting to give your side…
Be smart about the timing of your communication. Don’t push if either of you is triggered. Build-in time-outs if things start getting heated, and always come back to wrap things up.
Understand your partner’s hot buttons, wounds / triggers, and be mindful to avoid these. When your partner is triggered give a response that meets the need underneath the trigger… This is one way we heal.
Intentionally go about meeting your partner’s needs.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for getting and staying connected, increasing intimacy, and having fun.
Intentionally set up structures and systems for operating like a well-oiled machine and creating an amazing life.
It goes without saying that showing up with courtesy and respect is of utmost importance. We build and add the other skills from here. This means no: yelling at, cursing at or name-calling, physicality, blaming, criticizing, and other things we wouldn’t necessarily do in other relationships or to other people…
I find that when couples are struggling they throw right out the window basics things like respect, courtesy, understanding, benefit of the doubt, grace, compassion, appreciation and the like. It’s as if they never learned manners, sensibility and how to be nice. As sad as it sounds, coaching partners to treat their partner as if they were strangers does the trick during stubborn times…
If you do some of these, make it your business to clean this up now and keep it clean no matter what your partner is doing… If you are feeling antagonized then it’s not a good idea to continue the interaction. Take a break and resume addressing your concern, and/or addressing the interaction, at a later time…
You each have relationship rights and responsibilities. Here are some to get your wheels turning, to:
Be treated well
Be yourself
Have needs met
Have loyalty and honesty
Have transparency
Have privacy
Have freedom
Have accountability
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to expand our capacity and skill for being tolerant, accepting, and compassionate towards our partner while being accountable and having appropriate boundaries ourselves… We don’t want to freak out over mundane things, and we don’t want to overlook inappropriate and harmful behavior and attitudes.
The best approach to having an amazing relationship is to really mind what we put into it… We tend to focus on what our partner puts in, victimizing ourselves… We pat ourselves on the back for putting in things we want to put in, as opposed to things that nurture the relationship and that our partner prefers.
What’s the point of that?! We don’t have to work so hard or invest so much. We just have to do the right kind of investing, giving in our partner’s love language. It goes a longer way… There is a saying in networking circles: “Givers, Gain”…
Stop fighting it and power struggling. Just start giving more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Find an area in your relationship where your ownership is skewed and your boundaries can use some recalibrating. Note sure where?
Think on times when you are frustrated and annoyed with your partner. This is a strong indicator that you are owning them and not taking care of yourself properly. Make a list of these times and find pattern(s) or recurring issue(s).
Select one and use Relationship Best Practices™ to address it and make a change.
Own your Self, transform your interactions!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What makes your relationship special? What is it about your relationship that makes you happy? What do you appreciate the most about your partner’s essence? How does your partner’s essence enrich your life?
I find that partners tend to forget what’s at the core of themselves and their partner. They tend to focus on what’s in front of their face, the behaviors they don’t like, the habits that annoy them, and attitudes that might hurt them. Top with the fact that these things are looked at through skewed lenses. They are looked at with lenses warped with limiting beliefs, the pain of childhood wounds, scripts and poor boundaries. They assess and process their partner’s every move and their interactions through these warped lenses. They use incredible logic to make the case that they are being wronged in some way.
I have heard versions of people’s logic depicting how messed up their situation or partner is. Does the logic add up? Sure. We can make a case for about anything we want… Looked at through our scripts we can find just about any fact we want to prove our version of things. But adding up mere facts and our interpretation of them doesn’t serve anyone. Proving our script dishonors our core Self, that of our Partner and the sanctity of our Partnership. We don’t have to make ourselves right to be heard or understood. We don’t have to prove a case as if we are going to court to be seen and validated. We don’t have to tie ourselves to some version of what we make out to be Truth to he honored…
What is our Truth? We get hang up on facts as truth, but this is the most unlikely measuring stick… Facts can be strung together to tell a version that validates our scripts… And, we can make some compelling case. This is dangerous business!
This way of analyzing our partner, our interactions, and our relationship only serves to leave our Partner out of it… For in that analyzes there is barely an ounce of Truth about our partner and our relationship. Our partner is no longer part of the equation at this point. What we are doing instead is making ourselves the victims and work hard at validating that over and over… This is crazy making. I see people everyday take themselves on rides and let the squirrels in their head run the show… This is the surest way to be unhappy and miss the boat on the possibilities of our Partnership.
Every time we entertain the noise, the doubt, and the fear and allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and victimhood, we are missing the boat. So, how do we break this harmful mental and emotional habit? It can feel daunting to even get a glimpse that we are in a maze of our own making, that the reality we believe is wrong… It can feel so illusive and overwhelming that it’s easier to close our eyes and go on as usual. A devil known is better than the one unknown. So we keep on looking for ways to validate how we are wronged.
But what if, what if for a moment we entertain the idea that our partner is not the enemy? That our partner is dealing with their own demons. That our partner actually means well. That our partner is trying their best. That our partner is stuck in the maze with us!
If only we were both to look up and recognize the maze; and, agree to work together to get out. The maze would all but disappear! The illusion would no longer hold us captive. Breaking the mesmerizing hold doesn’t have to be hard. You have to really want it. You have to trust your Self. You have to go the depth of what you know and hang on to the Truth. Your gut knows the Truth. Your heart and Soul know the Truth. When you get that glimpse your job is to hold on to that for dear life and not let go. This is how you break the trance…
Operate from your known Truth regardless of the facts. Use the benefit of the doubt, grace, vulnerability, compassion, empathy, validation and Love. See the core of your Partner, not the noise surrounding your partner. Assume the best of intentions even if they come at you with a sledgehammer (you can address the delivery later!). Stop assigning motives to your partner about their not being interested about you and your needs, or caring about you. They are doing their best.
It’s time to work together to get out of the maze, use how you get each other better, and enjoy the good stuff you fell in love with in the first place. Yes, it is still there! This is the Essence, the Truth! Don’t let defense mechanisms, lack of development, bad habits and lack of skills mute this radiance! > Boundary setting and getting needs met: Let’s say your partner is selfish (is coming across as selfish to you…). They seem to be all about what they need, how they need it and when they need it regardless of the impact on you and your needs. This takes the form of space and separateness for the distancer in the relationship and the form of connection and togetherness for the pursuer in the relationship…
Regardless of the topic at hand, this is the underlying dynamic / MO at play. You can be talking about who is going to do the grocery shopping – the distancer wants to go alone and crank it out, the pursuer wants to go together and have an experience while shopping. If your partner doesn’t want to come grocery shopping with you does it mean they don’t care about you? If your partner wants you to go grocery shopping with them does it mean they are trying to control you? We have to watch how we assign meaning to our interactions… Regardless of the topic and the outcome, what’s important is how we address it. It is in the addressing that the healing, growing and evolving happens. Where the closeness, intimacy and Partnership happens. Once you each express what is happening for you and show you get your partner’s experience or position, a solution can always be found… The trick is not to impose our wishes, but to express what is happening for us without assigning motives to our partner.
NOTE: When we assign motives we actually feel differently! This is what gets us into trouble. Stop imposing your script and start honoring the essence of your Partnership! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Honoring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment For the next two days, monitor your internal dialogue about your partner and your relationship. Note how you assign motives and are employed fulltime proving your script. This can be discouraging and exhausting! Then, make a commitment to give yourself, and your partner, a break. Going forward, every time you catch yourself owning your partner or playing victim stop and regroup:
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and connect with their Essence
Look for the exception in your script, anything that’s not congruent with making your point, and hone in and expand that
Make note of how the black cloud lifts… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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