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Do You Have Relationship Gravy?

Does your partner support you, romance you, engage you, enliven you, energize you, seduce you? Is your partner there?

When couples are not on the same page, they tend to drift apart. They fight a lot, don’t feel each other, and don’t get their needs met. Partners appear invisible or have a negative presence.

This becomes a way of relating where partners are resentful, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, alone and hopeless. They perceive each other as noncaring, selfish, self-centered and absorbed, unapproachable and unlovable. They don’t operate as a partnership or as allies but as opponents or enemies. They have a tit-for-tat mentality or a very self-indulgent mentality where they are only focused on how to get their needs met.

When the focus is all on having our own needs met and we don’t validate our partner’s perspective and efforts, we become entrenched in an individualistic modus operandi which underminds couplehood.

It is a difficult choice to make to get out of our shoes and into our partner’s for a second and see how they might be perceiving the situation, how they feel and what they need. But when this is done and our partner feels heard and significant, they stop running and turn around and actually look at us. They are now open to seeing and feeling us and relating differently.

This is how we invite change from our partner. We show them they matter and that we care for them on their terms not ours. This opens the lines of communication and new relating. Here is the chance to get your needs met. This is where you get on the same page and establish a strong foundation for continued satisfying relating.

When you have your partner’s openminded-attention engage them by stating how you feel when they do uncaring behaviors and not how you see or perceive them and their actions. This is engaging and not attacking keeping your partner’s attention. Then tell them how you want them to change the behavior, giving them concrete behavior change choices and ask them to choose one.

This gets couples on the same page. Couples get to share where they are at and how the partner can help without alienating them. This allows couples to respond to each other without reacting. This gets couples to meet each other’s needs. This is how they break the impasse and the fighting cycle.

When partners are not attacking each other, are not angry and resentful, and they understand where their partner is coming from and are resolving conflicts and meeting each other’s needs, they enter a new level of relating.

This is where the juices of satisfying relating get going. Partners become interested and curious about each other, they miss each other, they want and pursue each other. This is where romancing and seducing come in. This is where affection and lovemaking come in. This is where laughter, humor and childish fun come in. This is the gravy of relationships.

So, stop killing yourself trying to get your needs met and instead meet your partner’s (how they want them met and not your way…) inviting them to receive you with open arms and an open heart!

Happy “Gravying”!!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Ask your partner about things they want, wish and dream of. Ask them what role you play in making those happen. What specific behaviors does that entail and what other needs do they have that you can fulfill? Unconditionally start meeting your partner’s needs the way they want them met.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.

The Secret to Your Awesome Relationship

by Emma Viglucci

Have you ever stopped to think about what your ideal relationship with your partner would look like? If you had your dream relationship today, with your partner, what would be different?

Think about this from the stand point of how you would feel differently, what you would be doing differently, how you would be responding differently, how you would approach your partner differently, how you would look differently, how your routine, lifestyle, home, activities, foods, would be different… What else might be different? If you waved a magic wand and things were as you desire them, what would things be like?

Have you ever stopped to think about what your ideal life, with your partner, would look like? If you had your ideal life today, what would be different?

Think about this from the stand point of how you would feel differently, what you would be doing differently, how you would be responding differently to life events and daily minutia, how you would approach people and situations differently, how you would look differently, how your routine, lifestyle, home, activities, foods, would be different…

What else might be different? If you waved a magic wand and things were as you desire them, what would things be like?

What is coming up for you as you envision these? If you are feeling hopeless and depressed, know that you are not alone. If you are feeling worried and anxious, know that you are not alone. This kind of pondering kicks up fear… Sit for a moment and identify what kind of fear comes up for you: of not being good enough, measuring up, deserving, being accepted, or of being left, succeeding, failing, what?

What would you say if I told you that everything you identified in your ideal relationship and life, you can have… And, that you can have it right now… No, I’m not crazy. No, I’m not dreaming. And, no, I’m not naïve… I know that everything you need to have your awesome relationship and authentic life, you have right now… I know that you can make your vision a reality. It ALL starts with YOU…

Please remember the secret. It is all a state of mind… And, using our mind well… We create our reality with our mind… We can actually rewire ourselves and change our molecular structure… Yes, we are that powerful! Address your fears… All our experiences are there for a reason; they have a purpose. Your job is to use all the triggers, messages, teachings, resources, insights, intuition, and guidance for your and everyone’s highest good.

When you use everything you got, really own yourself, embrace the highest level of Personal Accountability (for real, no lip service…) your vision becomes instantaneously your reality… Believe me I understand this is difficult to imagine, when you are on the other side… But when you come over and start owning and embracing this full personal accountability concept, the world is a different place… I promise…

It is this easy, and it is this challenging. The concept is easy (if you are open, anyway…). The application takes a bit more investing because we get in our own way. We let our ego and mindset, lack of ownership and personal accountability, hold us back.

We don’t throw everything at it. We are arrogant. We know best. Well, how is that working out for you? I know that I have made the biggest strides in all areas of my life when I “surrendered”. When I let go of my Ego and accepted assistance. When I decided to invest in my Self. And, holy moly is it paying off!

I want you to look at every single interaction, thought, action, behavior, choice, decision, and all the rest from the angle of, what can I do different to get a better outcome? If you find that your answer is, nothing. Try again, and again, and again. You are not perfect, therefore you can always do something different or better for a better outcome… It’s a given. When you say, “nothing”, you are not being fully accountable…

Use this rule of thumb going forward and see what a difference this makes. Be prepared to be stretched… Once, you get over the hump and break this habit, or rather embrace the having full Personal Accountability habit, you will automatically be in a different place…

So, if this is not enough to start turning your world upside down, in a good way, here is an additional take on this for those of you looking for a bigger challenge. Go back to your vision and take a look at who you “Are” in your vision. Take a moment to sit with the vision, the feeling of it, of “who you are”. Reaaally feel it. This is your new Identify… This is the new you. Own it…

Then, have EVERYTHING in your life flow from this new identify, from the new you… This is an unbelievable exercise. You’ll be surprised at the nuances that are different as you do life from a different angle… It’s quite amazing.

And, if you are struggling with any of this, here is a short cut: Act-As-If. Maybe you are beginning to get all this, but are having difficulties implementing and creating changes, or taking things to the next level. It’s OK. While you continue to process, feel, stretch, own, become more accountable and such, with this tool you can still get the benefits of a different experience even if you haven’t completely come to the other side yet…

It’s all-good as long as you are intentional and keep investing. Keep the momentum going, create new outcomes. See you on the other side!

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!

Happy Accounting!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

You are the Master of your Life. You are the author of your story. You are the creator of your masterpiece. You are the CEO of mylife.com. You are the King / Queen of your Castle. If you were to own this identify, what are two things you would implement immediately to ensure a Thriving Kingdom and Royal Treatment. Go ahead and implement them now! Add this to your Tool Kit…

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Are You Abandoned or Smothered in Your Relationship?

by Emma Viglucci

Couples get stuck in how they relate in their relationship and no matter how they try to get unstuck, to meet their needs and to create a satisfying relationship, they just get more and more buried in dissatisfaction.

The negative cycle of relating, their stuckedness, is created because partners bring childhood wounds into their relationship that are reopened in their interactions. The primary aim of relationships is to heal each partner of these wounds so they can break the cycle. Remember, partners fall in love with each other because they are unconsciously attracted to the other’s potential to heal them.

Partners can heal each other as they have the ability to create situations that reopen the old wounds as they have similar characteristics of their partners’ caretakers thus hurting them the same way as their caretakers hurt them when they were young. This provides an opportunity at being healed in that here is another chance to get what one didn’t get growing up.

When partners are focused on “getting their own needs met” they go about it the only way they know how. They use their usual defense mechanisms they developed when they were young. These are immature and inadequate to cope with the complexity of an adult relationship and its contexts.

To make matters worse, the defense mechanisms have hardened into character defenses meaning that they guide and inform its owner’s coping, views, and perceptions. It is these that partners use in their interactions and not their real selves.

Partners get stuck in a negative cycle, reopening wounds for each other, as they interact with each other with their character defenses which are polarized to ensure the opportunity for healing!

Let me show you how this may play out. Let’s say that growing up Partner A had a parent that was absent (mentally and emotionally absent count as well). They learned to cope with this by making sure the parent was there (fusing) so they became clingy, sought negative attention, got into trouble or were really good. As they became an adult, these behaviors translate into being an overfunctioner, demanding, controlling or critical.

Partner B had a parent growing up that tended to be overly involved, to overparent, or was very critical, so they developed defense mechanisms of isolating to create breathing space for themselves. As adults these behaviors might translate into a tendency to be a workaholic, overly involved in personal interests, becoming involved in outside relationships, or being passive-aggressive.

Partner A and Partner B will attract each other because they have developed opposite character defenses that have the ability to reopen wounds for each other. Partner A will now experience Partner B as uncaring, distant, selfish, not involved (just as they experienced their partner growing up – they feel abandoned) and so will go out of their way to engage them.

This in return will make Patner B want to run away more (as they feel smothered) to create more space as they are experiencing Partner A as nagging, demanding, controlling, or critical reminding them of their parent growing up.

The partners will unconsciously search for a mate to recreate their childhood wounds get a different outcome this time and thus get healed.

You can use this information to figure out your dynamics and break your negative cycle of interaction. First, figure out your childhood wounds and have your partner do the same. This sounds easier than it is. This stuff is hidden! So, search your souls and figure this out.

Once you know how you were each wounded, figure out what your character defenses are and how you use them in your relationship (the opposite ways you guys deal with each other). This is your dynamic. Your wounds are interacting with each other, they are being triggered by each other.

This is what makes the negative cycle of interaction that you are so familiar with: You are repeating the same argument over and over and dealing with it the same way you always have, without getting much resolution or satisfaction.

To break this cycle, change your dynamics, all you have to do is do something different than the usual. Give your partner an alternate outcome to the argument. If you are not sure how to give a different response or give your partner what they need, ask them.

Ask your partner to tell you how they feel when you behave from your character defense place and how they would like you to behave instead. By doing this consistently you’ll be giving your partner the alternate outcome to the wounding scenarios thus healing their wounds. Keep in mind that when you do this you are also inviting your partner to behave differently so your needs are met in return.

Whether you feel abandoned or smothered in your relationship, your partner feels the other. You invite each other’s behaviors and are stuck until one of you takes responsibility to stop the cycle by giving your partner a different outcome and thus starting the healing cycle. Be the one to do something different and start healing today!!

Happy Healing!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment Have a discussion with your partner about your histories and your feelings growing up and how your relationship is replicating those for you. Give your partner behavior change requests that will give you a different outcome to the recurring wounding scenarios thus resolving them and healing yourself. Do the same for them.

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Partner Selfishness

by Emma Viglucci

A lot of times we experience our partner as selfish. They might seem self-indulgent, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, thoughtless, demanding, and unsupportive. They might be passive-aggressive and underminding. It appears that everything is about them and for them.

It is draining to be in relationship with a selfish partner as all our energies seem to go to trying to get our voice heard, our needs met, and our wishes seen. We appear to be constantly fighting off being “absorbed”, taken for granted, stepped on, used and abused, and dismissed. We feel unappreciated, invisible and not understood. There is always an element of going tit-for-tat, especially during stressful moments. It is exhausting!!

When we get stuck in this situation and look at it only from this perspective, we face the danger of being stuck in a very dissatisfying relationship. Interactions might become volatile, very hurtful and frustrating. Conflicts don’t get resolved and your needs are not met.

But, let’s take a step back and look at this situation from our partner’s position for a second. Partners that appear selfish, that act selfish, do so for a reason, and they are usually not aware of this. They didn’t get up in the morning and said, “I’m going to be selfish and disregard my partner today.”

The reason they are being selfish is usually because they are afraid or scared. They might be afraid of change, of being taken-over and controlled, of not measuring up, of being eventually abandoned so they need to “take care of themselves”, and of being held back.

They might feel incompetent, spiteful, rebelious, small, unworthy, unloved, unsupported, misunderstood, unappreciated, and hopeless. Their behavior is a coping mechanism. They are trying to take care of and protect themselves. They are trying to survive YOU!

We tend to forget that “It Takes Two To Tango.” We do not pay attention to how we invite our partner’s behaviors, responses, and coping. They have to live with us just like we have to live with them! So, next time you experience your partner as being selfish, take a step back and see if you can see the hurt, the vulnerability, behind their behavior.

From this compassionate perspective, you’ll realize that your partner is not really being selfish and out to get you, but is just doing their best not to hurt and to take care of their own needs.

When you are able to reconcile your view of your partner’s behavior, you’ll move into a nonreactive stance rendering you more powerful and resourceful in your interactions. From this new stance you’ll be able to address your partner differently allowing you to get your needs met!!

Happy Interacting!!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Next time you find yourself reacting at your partner’s selfishness, take a step back and see the vulnerability behind their actions. Validate your partner’s experience by telling them how you understand where they are coming from and ask do to a Behavior Request Swap:

Ask them what they would like for you to do differently to address their vulnerability and in turn ask for what you want them to do differently to meet your needs. Make sure the behaviors are concrete and specific.

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Are You All In Yet?

by Emma Viglucci

Have you gotten over yourself, evicted your Ego, yet? Are you full steam ahead? Are you all in? Are you fully committed to really giving it your all, to throwing your whole Self in? Are you fully committed to kicking some serious butt, to creating an extraordinary life and awesomest relationship? Do these questions scare you?

Do you feel a wave of terror cursing through your body? Do you feel your insides shaking? Do you feel frozen or paralyzed? Do you feel like a protagonist in a film playing in slow motion, or like you are walking in molasses?

It’s ok. This fear comes up when we aspire to reach our full potential, when we get a glimpse of the possibilities. We are quick to remember our limitations and scripts, and to choose the status quo and playing it safe… We are scared of our own splendor. We impose our limiting lens on our experience, process and decisions to-do-over. We give up too easily without giving ourselves the full groundhog-day benefit.

Keep investing and tweaking till you are %99.9999 perfect…, till you have mastered doing your life and your relationship… There is so much beauty and magic in this. This is what Life is about… I want you ALL in. It makes a massive difference in the quality of all you do and the awesomeness you are able to create…

Here is how to get yourself all in and creating your extraordinary life and awesome relationship:

Step back and take stock of all areas of your life. Is this what your picture of your most awesomest life and relationship looks like? Where are the discrepancies? Notice the gaps. Notice what comes up for you as you think about this…

Pay attention to your scripts, your self limiting believes, the lack of ownership and accountability, the fear… I want you to take notice of all this and don’t judge, criticize or beat yourself up, or anyone else… I want you instead to give yourself understanding (not excuses, but validation), compassion and love.

I want you to soothe the shame monster. You are OK. There is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly where and how you need to be right now, to be where and how you need to be next… This is your journey… And, it’s beautiful. There is a reason for everything… Let’s use what you got!

What are you getting from your pic? What is your lesson? I want you to go deeper and figure out what it is you are to be learning? What is the code you need to crack? What is your stretch? Take your time and GET THIS. Now, imagine you cracked this. Imagine you rewired yourself.

Imagine you changed your molecular structure, your energy… Imagine you have a brand new ninja OS. Imagine you no longer have limiting scripts or believes. Whoa… Do you see where I’m going? Humor me.

Please take a moment to imagine this… Imagine you fully own your Self, have mastered self-management, and have embraced your magnificence. Can you see what this would do for your life and your relationship? You would ROCK!

Do you see how you hold your Self back? It is time to stop. It is time to do something. It’s time to take action. Insight is not enough. Once you get it, you have to take massive action to get massive results. What does this mean for you? Think about what you need to do, what actions you need to take. If you are stuck, let me help you: Go back to the code you need to crack.

Here is where your massive action needs to be… Here is where you push yourself, where you stretch. Here is where you put all the support in the world in place to help you crack this and get moving. Here is where you invest. Here is where you hang out. Here is your sweet spot. Push through this and the ceiling is gone!

Do whatever it takes to Get It, and reach for the Stars. Play with your strengths, get assistance with your weaknesses. Put support in place to keep you accountable, and to stretch, teach, and guide you. Put support in place to celebrate your successes, hold you up when you fall down, and cheer you on when you feel like giving up.

Give yourself every chance and opportunity to succeed. What does that look for you? Where do you need the support? What would free up resources allowing you to invest better where it really counts?

Make a commitment now to go for it, to be all in, to have an extraordinary life, starting today! Take an action RIGHT NOW to put the wheels in motion, on the right path… Go for it, you have my support; my energy is with you. Go kick butt!

Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…

Happy Actioning!

~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment

Take stock of where you have been wishy-washy in your relationship and your life (i.e., planning, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, exercising, dating, intimacy & connection, parenting, gardening, writing, invoicing clients, whatever.). Make a list of all the things you do half heartedly, without conviction and commitment, with reservation and disinterest, with one foot in and the other out, and with a minimum of effort and investment.

Next, categorize each item with: to Ditch, Reassign (delegate, contract out, automate, etc.), or Reinvest (leave only what you truly care about and are uniquely talented at).

Pick one from each category to tackle this week. Use your support system… This creates new energy and energy flow in your life…

I want you to turn your special attention to your chosen Reinvesting item. REALLY invest… Give it your all…

Add this to your Tool Kit…

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About Emma

Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.

Do You Have Relationship Gravy?

The Secret to Your Awesome Relationship

Are You Abandoned or Smothered in Your Relationship?

Partner Selfishness

Are You All In Yet?

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