When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.
The fighting can range from bickering, disagreeing, passive-aggressiveness to full blown screaming, degrading and even aggressive matches. Regardless of the intensity, these couples are in constant turmoil in their attempt to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished. They feel as if walking on barbedwire. One client shared he felt as if his stomach was full of broken glass.
For some couples conflict is so intolerable that they just prefer to avoid each other… These partners experience a gripping black whole in their chest and a sense of dread when in disconnection with their partner. The partner that usually prefers to be in connection feels as if they are falling off a cliff, but both partners struggle with the gloominess and stagnation.
Part of the reason couples end up in this place is because they tend to focus on the negative. They assign negative motives to their partner. They insist on pointing fingers and being the expert in their relationship as opposed to being accountable for their own contribution to the situation. And, they love to point out their partner’s shortcomings. Being the recipient of this treatment just plain sucks.
When partners treat each other this way, they touch the other’s vulnerable, already hurt and tender parts. It’s like adding salt to injury… What they invite as a result is the other’s usual way of coping with hurt, their defense mechanism. As defense mechanisms get activated, partners revert to less resourceful, appropriate and honoring ways of interacting leading to additional injury. Partners live in this state of affairs.
Over time the damage is so compounded that it is difficult for them to make sense of what is happening and to see the possibility of being able to have the relationship they want. They feel stuck, hopeless and believe the only way to have a happier existence is to get the heck out. But I see couples come back from this hopeless state and create beautiful relationships. I know it’s possible, and with targeted investment I know it’s possible for you as well.
So, here is to getting started on making this possible for you!
I am CHALLENGING you to stop the usual running script in your head, the dirty thinking about how much your partner stinks. Stop the incessant negative internal, and external, observations and chatter about your partner’s faults. I want you to STOP IT NOW.
Catch yourself having your negative assumptions and assigning of motives. Catch yourself nitpicking and looking for the imperfections. Catch yourself examining how your partner didn’t keep their word, follow up, finish a task, nagged you, etc.
Catch yourself thinking how your partner should be different. Just plain STOP IT! I want you to go cold turkey, detox, and eradicate this cancer that is ruining your relationship, and your life.
Instead I want you to do the exact opposite. I want you to scour every interaction, behavior, conversation, gift, etc. for how awesome and fabulous your partner actually is. I want you to SEE your partner. I want you to stop futzing around and take investing in your relationship seriously.
It’s time to make the changes you want and to make a full on commitment to making this happen. No more excuses. No just trying. Not making it work and not having the relationship you want are no longer options. Say yes to this different focus, and get to it!
I can imagine you just got to that last sentence and you were ready to go, and then doubt and fear crept back in. And, then you did your usual, “but why should I if my partner…” STOP IT! Challenge the part of your self that can’t take in the possibility of something different.
Stop making it about how your partner needs to change and about how much they stink. Start being accountable for what you contribute to your situation and how you invite what you get… Start inviting something different…
Start focusing on what’s awesome about your partner and how they do try… Clean your thinking. Give your partner a break. Envision the possibilities. Open the door to them. Refocus your investment and enjoy your partner! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Happy Refocusing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Every night this week before going to bed, tell your partner 3 things you appreciate or like about them – be descriptive and detailed, authentic, and generous in your observation and sharing.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.
I ask that you put aside your usual thinking about the planning and celebrating of the Holidays, and instead look at them as a mirror of your life and relationship … Take a deep breath and hang in here with me … Let’s get down and dirty.
The way you do the Holidays, and any other celebrations, is how you do your relationship … Take a moment to think about this. I’m asking to transcend and stretch your thinking … Give this a try and remove yourself from your earthly, material, and practical perspective and engage your essence and energy. Take deep breath …
Can you see the parallel? Can you see that your MO shows up everywhere? Can you see that what you put in is what you get back? Can you see that you are writing your own story? Can you see that you invite what you get? Can you see that how authentic you are (core you without defense mechanisms!) in your relationship translates to how intimate you can be in your relationship? Can you see that how much you show up in your life dictates the kind of life you have?? Take another deep breath …
The way you go about doing the Holidays is how you go about doing your relationship and your partner, and how you engage with them during the Holidays is how you usually engage with them … How has this been working for you?
The challenge I propose today is to do this differently. I want you to plan your Holidays using your Authentic Self, your Being … Bring your Energy to your planning, and give your Doing a break … Get out of your own way and allow the beauty of others to join you …
Get out of your own way and allow YOUR beauty to show up! If your Energy could speak … What would it say? What would it ask for? What would it set up? What would it give? Remember, your Energy is Love, Nurturing, Compassion, Abundance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Creativity, Flexibility, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Community, Togetherness, Security, Strength, Power, Peace, Passion, Vibrancy, Light, Life …
Your Energy can speak … Your energy is You … Use your Self well. Just show up! In showing up, you have won the war. You have transcended Fear, you have beat the Ego, you rejoice with your partner’s Self, and you are in Communion, and All is well …
Go for it, decide how and where you’ll show up, gift others with your Presence, and stop the mediocracy today!
Complete the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Happy Showing Up!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Think on an area of Holiday Merriment that usually creates stress for you. Let go of the practical aspect of this challenge and put it instead into relationship terms … How would you like the big picture to be different? Who would you have to be to belong in that picture? Go for it, embrace your Higher Self and show up as you wish you could … It is that simple …
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We have a tendency to focus on the negatives, what doesn’t work, weaknesses and deficiencies, and how much our partner “sucks”. This is the kiss of death in life and relationships. This is a sure way of staying stuck in the status quo for what we focus on persists: we co-create it, manifest it, invite it …
The focus on negativity creates a state of fear which induces a fight, flight or freeze response:
Thoughts -> Feelings -> Action
If you think negative thoughts, what I call “crooked thinking” (not reality based …), you generate negative feelings (pain …), and therefore the resulting actions are meant to swiftly address this pain. But as they are ill-conceived they are in the form of defense mechanisms and reactivity creating more issues and more pain. This becomes a vicious cycle keeping you from moving forward in your life and stuck in a dissatisfying relationship.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what happens in relationships when the focus is on the negatives and what doesn’t work … The resulting criticism, complaining, power struggling, and lack and deprivation erode the bond, connection, passion and good will.
As you can imagine this creates a toxic situation that becomes pervasive and impossible to live with. It sucks the life out of your relationship, and your life … You don’t even have to be verbally critical – show disapproval with your body language and facial expressions, or even just in your thoughts … the impact is the same!!
Fortunately, there is a VERY simple solution to this dilemma and tendency … The antidote to this plague is Appreciation … The brain can not physically, biologically, have its fear and appreciation centers activated simultaneously. This means that if we can figure out how to be in a state of appreciation, we can bypass the fear state and therefore break this cycle!
Here are two methods I teach my peeps to use to enrich their relationship and life:
Appreciation RX: Once the brain’s appreciation center is activated, and the feeling good chemicals are released, its blissful effect lasts for a few hours. Therefore, I devised this intervention where you are “prescribed” to take an appreciation “dose” 3x / day. This can translate into doing appreciations at breakfast, lunch and dinner – just like taking medicine or vitamins!
You can build this into any kind of ritual, or routine, that works for you like being thankful for meals, brushing teeth, drinking coffee, commuting, etc.
Appreciations don’t have to be anything fancy – don’t let this task scare you. Just open your eyes and see the beauty around you… There is plenty to see! Be thankful for what is…
Partner Appreciation: I know that when we are hurt, disappointed or feeling resentful that it is close to impossible to think of what we appreciate about our partner and even harder to share this with them. Herein lies the beauty of this exercise. When you stretch to focus on the positive and notice your partner’s magnificence, and therefore what they bring to the relationship, you are then gifted with their magnificence!
This is an amazing feat not only because we have the tendency to look for negatives and deficiencies, because in partnership we trigger each other for the purpose of growing and healing, but because our ego is threatened. To be able to transcend all this and truly see your partner, and then share it with them – WOW! When you start doing this, you start experiencing the relationship you want!
It IS that simple! Focus on what your partner contributes, things you like about them, things they’ve done that touch you, notice the effort they put in and how they are trying (yes, they are trying their own way…). Appreciate this, and lo and behold!
Don’t let your relationship continue to suffer at the mercy of negatives. Implement one of the methods now, and start creating changes. Hey, do both for good measure and maximum impact! Go for it, give them a try.
Do the MetroRelationship ™ Assignment below to assist you effortlessly implement this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!
Notice the good, acknowledge the gifts, be Thankful – express your Appreciation!
Happy Appreciating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Share this concept with your partner and commit to having an appreciation session (10 min) once a week at a mutually agreeable time.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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