The Holidays do all kinds of things to people. They provide a year-in-review, showcase our progress and success, spotlight our communion and belongingness, highlight our relationship dynamics, and nudge our very Soul for wakefulness. Add to this all the demands, expectations and hassle and bustle, and it is no wonder that the Holidays are rough for some.
The Holidays create stress, anxiety, depression, paralysis, withdrawal, mania, shame, overindulgence, overwhelm, crashing, loneliness, and other goodies. How do the Holidays affect you? If you generally fair well, still take note however minor the impact.
The Holidays can be treated as an opportunity for growth and healing… This is definitely fertile ground to work with! Why not take advantage of the opportunity available for the taking? When anything is framed as opportunity, its energy, meaning, impact and potential change. Now the situation is a gift and not a nuisance.
There is positivity built-in the reframe bearing optimism, strength, courage, hope, compassion, love, understanding, ownership, authenticity and awesomeness… Let’s shoot for getting more than just presents this Holiday Season!
Let’s go back to how the Holidays highlight our relationship dynamics. Whatever our dynamics they get amplified during this time. It’s as if our dynamics are on steroids. What you see, witness, experience is your usual dynamics to a heightened level.
This gives you an opportunity to better understand what usually bothers you and what doesn’t work that might have been difficult to pinpoint before. Before we knew interactions annoyed or hurt us. We knew are needs were not met. We complained, fought or sucked it up in hopelessness.
But now we have the chance at a magnified experience where we can see the crack. We have the chance to look at the crack up close and personal, and study it. We get the chance to see how it needs mending. The trick is to know what to look for: The theme, the broken record, and your script. What keeps replaying?
What is the lesson you are to learn? What is the code you need to crack? How are you to stretch to grow and heal, to break the impasse? This is the driver behind the dissatisfaction. Your call to action is to do something different for that in and of itself is Change…
It’s time to shake things up. It’s time to take a risk.It’s time to have better expectations. It’s time to raise the bar. It’s time to honor your Self, to Be your Authentic Self, and to bring it to your interactions. It’s time to be courageous and not be afraid of what could be. It’s time to go for it. It’s time for the next book in the series.
What does this look like? How do you go about it? It’s actually quite marvelous and simple. All you have to do is have a different response than your usual in your interaction. And, to do this for your Self without any outcome, expectation or intention of changing your partner in mind… So if you usually complain, call things out, whine or other some such in your interactions, your different response could be not say anything or to focus on the positive.
If your usual way is to suck it up, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and cave in, then your difference response could be standing up for your Self, speaking up, sharing what you are experiencing, or setting a limit or consequence.
The point here is not to go about changing your whole relationship, getting better results, inviting your partner to respond differently, and the rest of our usual intentions. This one is the mother load. This one goes for the jugular. This approach is for Us. Can you imagine? For Us… It is to build the muscle that has been dormant and which upon awakening saves the day…
Give it a try. Be gentle. Be courageous. Bring out the part of your Self that has been screaming to come out. Make space for it. Create safety for it. Nurture it. And take a leap of Faith, use it in your interactions. Go for it. Give it a try. The pay off is unimaginable…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Awakening!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at the weeks ahead. What significant events or plans are coming up? How will you be celebrating? What traditions will you follow? What rituals will you enjoy? Sit with the plans and the answers above… Hold them in your heart. Suspend judgment.
Are your plans in alignment with your core beliefs? Does your celebrating honor your Authentic Self? Do your traditions transmit your values? Do your rituals strengthen your identity, sense of Self, connections and bonds. Do they impart love, acceptance and adoration? Do they embrace our Human Experience…?
Connect with what comes up for you as you explore this. Where do you need to show up differently? What concrete change will you make for your next event or plans? Put it in action now… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It saddens me to witness people’s struggles, to watch them get in their own way, to drown in a glass of water, to miss the bigger picture. Maybe this is compassion for my Self as I can certainly be in that place… This is one of the lessons I’m still learning.
This is part of my Journey. In its course I grow, heal, learn and further embrace my Calling… It is amazing to step back and take in the machinations, the alignments, and the perfection in how everything plays out, always for a reason… It all adds up…
At the end of the day, this brings me back to the sadness, compassion, for others for at least I can see the hidden gift, the blessing, and the opportunity. I draw strength and inspiration from this. This is what makes me a gifted healer and a leader in healing.
This is part of my Purpose… But for those who are not yet privy to this, all the tumultuousness of life is just pain. I can’t imagine not having the higher perspective. My heart truly goes out to those who struggle.
Having a higher perspective doesn’t exempt us from the happenings of life, and it is not always easy to hang on to it. But being able to see things from a different angle than merely seeing them as things happening to us makes a heck of a difference. This is where our human experience manifests.
Seeing the good in everything around us, even the so called “bad”, is where the opportunities abound, the promises lie, the gifts reside, the blessings are bestowed, the magic happens. This is where the beauty of the mystery of life can be found, if we can only but awaken…
Of course this applies to our relationship. Everything that happens in our relationship happens for a reason. The state of our relationship and everything that we get from our partner we have invited, we’ve co-created. Everything that goes on is a blessing, though sometimes a blessing in disguise.
When things are not to our liking or when we are in pain it is a sign that something different is needed. It is an opportunity to become intentional about our approach and our Being.
It is a call to realign, to stretch, to grow, to become whole and more empowered by adjusting our attitude, thoughts and behaviors. It is an opportunity to let go of Ego and defenses and to more fully embrace our Authentic Self. Thus creating the Awesomeness we wish and deserve.
This is why our Partner is a Gift to us. They provide the fertile playground where we get to play, stretch, develop, grow, heal, create and role model… Our interactions are blessings. They are all opportunities for us to embrace our human experience, and for us to be our Best Self.
In Relationship we have the opportunity to reach, embrace and engage our Authentic Self. Our directive is to look at everything through this lens and see where we need to stretch, grow and learn. It is ALL for us.
Everything happens for a reason. There are opportunities and blessings at every turn. Our job is to recognize them, to awaken to this Mystery and use it in our Journey. When we wake up and open our eyes, when we don the blessings lens on, and when we translate misfortune or aggravations into opportunities we recognize how Graceful and truly Bountiful life is. Go ahead, open your eyes, and be Thankful for all the Blessings in disguise.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Thanks Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take the high road. Step away from your (overt or covert…) steadfast position on an impasse with your partner. Put on Your Enlightenment Lenses™. If you were to look at your situation from a transcended perspective, what would you see? How would you say the situation is prodding you to change? What are you being taught? What are you supposed to learn? How are you supposed to grow?
How is this inviting you to become your Best Self? How are you to stretch to get there? Sit with what comes up. Hold off resentment and other Ego driven feelings and thoughts. Hang in there. Weather the uncomfortableness… Hang with the new perspective. Take a moment to design two concrete behaviors that you will implement consistently to honor this call and step into your new reality… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Having fun in our relationship is paramount to its survival. Relationships are challenging. We have to integrate two completely different lives, usually with different gender, brains and biology, upbringing, histories, ethnicity, religion, worldviews, expectations, and many others, to create a joint life.
There is so much room for disagreements, confusion, and impasses contributing to the already stuck dynamics and power struggle created by unconscious mechanisms… Fun is an easy way to build in reserves necessary to persevere through the challenges. The problem is that couples “forget” along the way to have fun…
Additionally, partners have different definitions of fun, what fun is, how to go about having fun, finding similar interest and mutually enjoyed ventures. And, to top this off, partners get into domestic routines and roles that prevent them from spontaneity, exploring, wooing and surprising each other, and from Being their Authentic individual Selves. All this is a formula for disaster…
Here are several ways to add, keep, or bring back Fun into your relationship:Basics – There has to be an underlying thread of lightheartedness, sharing inside jokes, playfulness, teasing, flirting and such built into your daily interactions.
Celebrations – Anything and everything is worth acknowledging and celebrating with special focus on birthdays, anniversaries, accomplishments and holidays. Expand your repertoire of what and how you celebrate. Create inspiring traditions and rituals.
Vacations and Time Off – Use this time to learn the world and cultures, have stimulating experiences, pamper your Selves, and enjoy each other outside the restrictions of daily routines and responsibilities.
Dating – Build in a Dating mechanism. Put a system in place to be tweaked as necessary but otherwise automated so you can’t “forget” to keep dating each other… Hold on to your feminine and masculine energies during this time. This is what keeps the chemistry and attraction alive… Get creative and invest in having great experiences. Be with each other. Share your internal worlds when on your dates. This builds intimacy and bonding.
Adventure – Expand your range of experiences. Stimulate your senses. Get your adrenaline pumping. Do something unusual. Feel Alive together. Create memories and stories.
Journey Building – Invest in self-growth and improvement, relationship enrichment, and other learning. Take on meaningful ventures, projects, or undertakings that impact your quality of life and create opportunities for commonality, relatedness and togetherness. Capitalize on your complementary strengths. Focus on what works and appreciate each other’s contributions. Enjoy your process.
Community and Philanthropy – Socialize with other couples. Do community projects. Be of service to the less fortunate. Take on or participate in a cause. Bring your Purposes to life; implement your Missions. Inspire each other. Support each other. Be your partner’s sounding board. Have fun brainstorming and implement.
When you systematize and automate having fun, to ensure you don’t “forget” to have fun in your relationship, you are implementing a fail-safe plan. This is your Relationship Insurance Policy. You are investing in its sustenance. This fuels the relationship through its ups-and-downs, times of transitions and when life deals you a rough hand.
If you have been struggling having fun together, make sure you immediately address this from a different angle to get a different result. You have to have Fun. You need to have this built-in to feed your goodwill and awesomeness reserve for times of famine! Get moving and have some fun!!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Feeding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to think about the level of Fun in your relationship. Review the Fun Categories below and assess how much fun you have in each…
Daily Interactions Celebrations Vacations and Time Off Dating Adventure Journey Building Community and Philanthropy What category is calling you for more attention?
Discuss with your Partner how you can spice up this area. Create a plan for integrating this into your life where you are automatically pulled into the Fun (i.e., block time off and vacations, set reminders to send your partner a joke everyday, make one weekend day a Date Day, pick one day per month to do something outside-the-box, etc).
Add this to your Tool Kit…
~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end!
Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!
Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A lot of times when we are feeling stressed, bored, out-of-sync, reactive, and other such feelings, part of the reason is that we are operating from a less-than-resourceful state and are not tapping into our fullness, power and authenticity.
When we operate from this place and do not bring our best self forward, we are robbing yourself of a richer experience and our partner of being in a genuine relationship with us. They are in relationship with the worst of us! And, then we wonder how come we get the worst of them!!
It is challenging to be in a relationship when both partners are seeing the worst of each other and consistently operate from a triggered state. This relationship is a struggle and a drag. The partners are tired, hopeless and feel stuck.
If this resonates with you, it is time for a change! Stop worrying about what your partner is doing or not doing, and focus instead on what you bring to the relationship. Look at yourself from your partner’s perspective. Ouch! Not so pretty is it?
Change the focus from how you want your partner to change to how you are going to change.
It is time to bring more parts of you to the relationship. It is time to use the best parts of you. It is time to stop reacting. It is time to bring loving, accepting, nurturing and positive energy to your interactions. It is time for you to be mindfully available to your partner. It is time for the real – not the manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive, reactive, chip-on-the-shoulder you – to come out and play!
Bring the best you to the table and do it now. Start giving you, your partner, your relationship and your life the gift of the Real You!
Happy Giving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick 1 characteristic about you that is not conducive to a satisfying relationship and stop using it.
Pick 2 characteristics about you that you don’t frequently use but bring out the best in you and implement them more into your MO.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You have a loooong to-do list. You have others to attend to. You have projects on the burners. You are busy, you juggle, you push to the limit to get to it all. You might be sleep deprived. Sometimes you might forget to eat, even though you generally go for nutritious and clean food. Heck, you might even try to stick to an exercise routine.
At the end of the day everything else but you comes first… You are in the throes of demands and might feel like you are running out of steam, pulling your hair out, screaming at the top of your lungs, hiding under a rock, or all of the above. Wait, this sounds like the Holiday Season! Some live in this mode the rest of the year as well… But you don’t have to be in this place now or during the Holidays…
What is this place any way? Why do we create this frenetic pace? Why do we create this way of operating? Why does our life feel out of control? We live in this space to get things done and to take care of others because it we think it makes us feel good and in control… Wait, what?! That’s right.
The way we go about life is actually counterproductive. It’s actually creating the opposite from our desired outcome… This place is called lack of ownership… This place is called lack of boundaries… This place is called being codependent… Ouch!
I know this place intimately; I still operate this way sometimes. I recognize this place in other’s from a mile away… These peeps are in pain, and sometimes they don’t even know it! Instead what they know is that their relationship doesn’t work. That they are not compensated enough at work or that their business is suffering.
That their children are not doing well. That their health is deteriorating. Or, they just plain feel unhappy and dissatisfied… Do any of these resonate with you?
Please don’t be afraid of the word codependent. It used to be associated with the partner of a substance abuser. Now, it has a much larger meaning. It’s Interdependence gone array… Remember, we do not want to be codependent, dependent or independent… We want to strive for Interdependence – where we are healthily, mindfully and lovingly connected to others while being our Authentic Self.
When we mute, neglect, abandon and even abuse our Self to cope and in the name of another we are being codependent… So, don’t get stuck on the terminology. I’ve seen this also called being Enmeshed, Undifferentiated, Symbiotic, etc. Just hold on to the concept instead and let’s strive for being Interdependent and our Authentic Self. Deal?
So, what do we do? First things first, and that is to start owning our Self. This means staying within our immediate circle of influence and not in our partner’s circle. This means taking ownership of things that are ours… I routinely see partners drop the ball here.
Actually, they keep passing the ball to each other… They look like they are playing a game of hot potato… “You are it!”, they say and wait for the other to change… Not taking ownership of how we contribute to our situation and changing our contribution to it guarantees staying in the same ugly place… I promise!
How do we know what is ours? How do we know what we can change? How do we empower ourselves? Actually, this is quite simple believe it or not. I see immediate and profound changes as soon as partners start implementing this, without fail! The big reveal is: Minding your own thinking, feeling and doing and not your partner’s… This does not mean being obnoxious, inconsiderate, callous or uncaring… to the contrary.
When we own our Self we also embrace our thoughtful, understanding, compassionate, and loving parts of our Self… When we clean our mindset, invest in naturally feeling good, and take responsibility for our all our decisions and actions (including setting proper boundaries, meeting our needs and doing self care) our world starts to change… I promise!
Some might think that setting boundaries is giving our partner the middle finger. If that is you, stop that! Setting boundaries does not mean being mean… It does mean taking care of our Self while minding the other’s best interest…
Start owning your Self, start changing your world. Your world becomes a piece of cake when you start operating from this empowered state… It’s quiet an unbelievable experience… Trust and let go… Start living your Authentic Life and enjoying your Awesome Relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What are some things that you find yourself complaining about in your life? In your relationship? How do you contribute to the issue, situation, experience, status quo…? Find a different angle, perspective, approach to address this… The secret is to use your Self differently… Take an immediate action to address your concern today. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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