I have found that most relationship issues can be boiled down to taking personal responsibility and setting effective boundaries…
This includes showing-up to our interactions appropriately by being intentional, mindful and compassionate. It doesn’t do anybody any good to show-up by ramming ourselves down others’ throats… That’s not actually showing-up… This is disrespectful and a boundary injury…
What is showing-up?
Showing-up means we share our internal experiences, our dreams, our feelings, our preferences, our skills, our gifts for the good of all involved. Not just for our benefit… We don’t do this at the expense of others… We do this to create mutuality, to learn each other, to connect, to serve each other, to create a stronger partnership. In partnership we are more than the parts…
But it takes skill and a certain finesse to do this well.
A lot of times partners don’t feel heard, understood, seen, valued, appreciated and therefore are on a rampage to be seen – however they do that. This can look like actively pursuing the other for these things, or like withdrawing for self-preservation, out of resentment, and for power struggling.
The partners usually polarize in their approach where one becomes aggressive or overzealous and the other becomes passive-aggressive or paralyzed / stupefied / inactive…
It is the overzealous person that usually seems to struggle the most in the relationship.
They are the ones that are doing the feeling for both partners… They are the expressive ones, the ones not satisfied, complaining, criticizing, and overtly reacting. They don’t realize that their approach makes their partner withdraw even further and become more stupefied. This leaves them more alone and abandoned maintaining this painful cycle.
The challenge here is to self-soothe and self-regulate, implement a self-care practice, and learn containing skills. Containing skills means knowing when and how to approach the partner to increase the chances of being heard and getting needs met. Throwing-up on the partner, beating them up, and demanding for needs to be met usually don’t go over well…
It is the inactive person that usually seems unfazed and uncaring in the relationship.
This is simply not true. They are fazed and affected in different ways, and at times they are not even aware of it… Their reactivity is passive-aggressive. Because their needs are different and they express themselves differently it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or don’t care.
They do have a tendency to come across as narcissistic, making it a challenging to see behind this. They even believe their own indifference sometimes… The challenge here is to get past all these defenses (that are often in the form of a lot of logic…), to own vulnerability, and to take a risk being available…
Being available means not only making the physical time to spend together, but being able to take the partner in (to be attuned), to get them and to have compassion for them.
It is our responsibility to show-up appropriately to our interactions, being mindful of how we impact our partner, and to represent ourselves in a way that honors us and gets our needs met. If we are not getting a desired response, we have to identify what we are doing that’s inviting what we don’t want. How are we co-creating the interaction with our partner that is not serving us?
Pay attention to your particular flavor of how you do this, and start stretching and tweaking how you show-up to be more mindful of your impact. Upgrade what you contribute so you can both have a better experience! > Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Let’s say your partner is always late. The best way to address this is not when they are late and you are annoyed, but to address this for going forward. So, knowing that your partner might be late coming home, meeting you, being ready to go somewhere, or in some other way decide which is the most frustrating and tackle it first.
Address these individually, separately and specifically. Have conversations with your partner to put in place parameters around each late situationtype to prevent relationship moments from going south.
Include: clearly established and agreed upon time to “get together”, courtesy agreed upon checking-in time to confirm still on the same page.
How much notice to provide heads up of any changes, how to stay in touch if things change to regroup and come up with alternative solutions that work best for the person waiting, how much waiting time is reasonable, what happens after the waiting time lapsed, and how is the infraction amended (whether things were in the other person’s control or not.
They still need to make amends if they are late – ranging from apologizing to making whole new plans to their partner’s preference). The parameters can be tweaked as needed beforehand for special circumstances. Keep in mind each of your tendencies to be overzealous or inactive in your relationship and the underlying needs for each when setting up the parameters.
The overzealous person has a tendency to feel abandoned, taken for granted, unimportant, not valued and not seen/heard. The inactive person tends to feel criticized, controlled, stifled, smothered, unappreciated and incompetent/not good enough. Keep these in mind when setting up the parameters so neither partner gets triggered by how the set up might play out.
No plan or set up is perfect. The key is to be as preventative as possible and remain intentional, mindful and compassionate when situations are not working out as expected. Always show-up with your best Self!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Tweaking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Revisit the last exchange with your partner that went south, and identify how you did your usual… Recognize your flavor of distancing and pursuing in that particular scenario. Break it down, deconstruct it to its smallest denominator catching even the smallest of infractions on your part.
Find the questions, responses, exclamations, body language, etc. that gave your partner the usual impression of your pursuing or distancing. Then, reconstruct the exchange by tweaking each infraction. Note, how the exchange could have changed course at anyone of these junctures giving you a different outcome…
Bring this insight into the next exchange that can potentially go south, or as it is starting to go south. Always be as intentional, mindful and compassionate as possible. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How do we create a masterpiece life? How do create an awesome relationship? The answer is quite simple, we change (grow, heal, step it up a notch, etc)… How do we change? We change by taking action on new information (or old information if you sat on your a** with it thus far)… Insight, information, learning, reading do nothing for us unless we take some kind of related action, unless we implement something different.
I hear all the time, “I’ve tried it all”… No you have not! Stop deluding yourself and tricking yourself into complacency. To create your Authentic Life and Awesome relationship you have step out of your comfort zone and do what the next level requires. If you keep doing the same old, you’ll keep getting the same old. So stop it, and decide now that you are going for it. S** or get off the pot! What does this mean? How do we go for it?
Decide you are going for it
Make a commitment to not settle and stay the course (it’s easy to commit to not settling by leaving)
Learn everything you can about the next level and how to get there
Create a prescription, plan, structure, system, routine, practice, whatever out of the information
Put your implementation mechanism in place
Make sure it has a “drilling” characteristic built in (repetition is the key!!)
Trying something once is not trying something. Trying something a couple of times is not even trying. When you workout once, are you fit? When you workout a couple of times, are you fit? No. So, why when you try to connect with your partner and it goes awry you say, “I tried”? This is not good enough.
Trying a couple of times doesn’t cut it. We have to push through the disappointment, fear and hopelessness – the pain, as with exercising. We don’t stop at the sign of pain. We keep going, we push through. This is where the muscles get strong, where growth and change happens…
Your trying needs to be repeated. Do you type one word on your keyboard and decide you don’t know how to type? Do you shoot one hoop and decide your suck at basketball? Do you hit a couple of keys on the piano and decide you are not musically inclined?
No. You practice and repeat to get proficient and then amazing. You have to give it a chance for it to stick. You have to keep refining your approach. Tweak, tweak, tweak. Practice makes “perfect.” The drilling, tweaking, and practicing element of this is so huge and way underestimated.
This means you keep trying and refining your communication skills, your lovemaking, your dates planning, your repairing skills, your boundary setting, etc. The more you invest the better you get at it! Having an awesome relationship means creating an awesome relationship… It doesn’t happen by chance it requires laser focus, investing and intention.
And, we don’t keep the weight at the same weight amount, we keep increasing it for better results. The same goes for our relationship! Once the thrill of this level wears off, we are ready for the next level so we keep creating more awesomeness. If we allow ourselves to stay in the plateau and stagnate, we don’t keep the progress we made…
Part of being alive is to keep going for more. It’s part of our human condition. Don’t fight it. Honor it. Keep investing. You’ll create all you desire and more. You can’t even imagine the possibilities from the level you are at…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this article?
Happy Drilling!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is a characteristic, quality or behavior that you want to see more in your relationship? Break it down into a small actionable step that can be repeated. For example, affection – kissing and hugging, trust and honesty – transparency and sharing, ownership – making requests for tangible behaviors that meet your needs, connection – spending quality time together.
Now, devise an implementation system that includes “drilling” – kissing every hour, getting home a certain time everyday, making a clear and mindful request daily that addresses a need, having date night every Saturday. Put this in place for a determined period of time (a week or month depending on the drill frequency) and implement no matter what. Stay tuned for the awesome impact! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
There is more to us than meets the eyes… We have an internal world operating at all times that we are vaguely aware of. Some people are totally out of touch with theirs… The more we become acquainted with our own Self and all it’s aspects, needs and desires the more we can be our Authentic Self and create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship.
Because we might not be very aware or proactive about the health and wellbeing of our internal world, we might not be in the best shape to actually create the Life we desire. When we are clueless or in the know but not proactive, we neglect aspects of our care, maintenance and sustenance that eventually lead to breakdown.
Just like we clean house, go to the dentist, and do oil changes our inner world also needs routine care and attention. When we don’t invest in learning about our Self and our inner world, upkeeping and upleveling its functioning, and implementing best ways to show up in the outside world, we are leaving things to chance, bad habits and mishaps.
Lack of intention, attention, planning and implementation leads to malfunctioning cars, cavities, dirty houses, toxin laden bodies prone to illness and poor aging, and relationship dissatisfaction and break-ups. This is what living an unintentional and winging-it style to life gives you.
This is actually not living life, life is happening to you… You are not its Master and Designer. This is the way to go through life struggling because you are not in charge. If you are not the driver, you will never get to your desired destination. Being the driver includes choosing the destination, acquiring a well functioning mode of transportation and a road map. Now, that’s the Trip!
In this case the vehicle is our body and mind… It is our absolute responsibility to make sure that both are in optimal shape!!! It is up to us to ensure our Trip is awesome and that we make our destination. Now is the time to detox both your mind and your body of any unwanted toxicity lingering from foods and other ingested substances, poor mindset and mental hygiene, and unaddressed emotional pain.
Detox Your Body: Most things we ingest are not good for us. We are killing ourselves with food… Unless of course you are really mindful and intentional of what you eat and otherwise consume. But even still the body develops a deposit of toxins that get more and more sludgy and burden the body.
The more burdened the body is the less optimal it’s digestion, cleansing, rejuvenation and other functions. This is how we become ill and age poorly. If you don’t already have a cleansing regimen, now is the time to look into this. Explore your options. Decide to clean your body and make it beautiful from the inside out. Here is a book, philosophy, approach I live by:Clean.
Detox Your Mind: When left to its own devices, our mind is our worst enemy! Its conscious, subconscious and unconscious mechanisms can wreck havoc in our life if we don’t take charge of them. It is our job to mind our internal mental world, upgrade its programs, and rewire its functioning.
Our triggers, wounds and emotional baggage clog our unconscious mind with unresolved emotional issues, our belief system litters our subconscious mind with unintentional debilitating programming, and our Ego, negative thoughts, and poor mindset undermine our conscious approach to life and our relationship. If you want to be the Master of your Universe you need to align your 3 minds, actively manage them and put them on course to serve you.
Here is work by a colleague that is amazing at rewiring the brain…: Dan Siegel – Brain Lesson on YouTube. When you are “clean” you ensure your most optimal performance level and ability to create to your Heart’s content. Make a Commitment to having an awesome Trip and reaching your Destination.
Set the intention to lead a Clean life. Decide what you need to do to make sure you get and stay Clean. Invest on this now, invest in your Self now, to make sure this happens!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Establish a Cleansing Practice™. Body: Select times of year when you want to do a “cleanse / detox” program. Schedule them into your calendar. After Holidays it’s a good time… Select two foods / substances that are not clean that you will eliminate from your diet. Keep eliminating bad things until you are ingesting primarily clean substances most of the time.
Mind: Select a new tool to implement to help you declutter, clean and rewire your brain: meditation, affirmations, vision board, prayer, visualization, self-hypnosis, appreciations, stop-thought-technique, rewriting dirty thoughts, sending others loving vibes, etc. Integrate this tool into your daily routine. Integrate others over time for a full on amazing brain. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Ok, so you’ve been together for a long time, or maybe not so long, and are feeling time just passing you by and your relationship not moving or progressing with it.
You find that you still have a lot of the same issues, unresolved concerns, repeating arguments, don’t feel connected, are living parallel lives, can’t seem to have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, are bored, and feel empty. You are just going through the motions and question your commitment to your relationship and your partner.
Unfortunately, this is a very common scenario. Couples get sucked in and chewed up in the power struggle and seem to be unable to get out of it. They go around and around in their cycle for what could be ever if nothing is done about it. Relationships don’t just get better or become enjoyable again on their own. The partners need to do something different to make this happen.
I know this is easier said than done when you are stuck in the cycle and your behavior and reactions appear to be on autopilot! This is the more reason to make a conscious effort to address your situation.
The hint to getting unstuck is to take a step back and do a perspective change. Look at your situation from your partner’s perspective: put yourself in their shoes with their mindset. How are they looking at the situation? How do their history, wounds, personality, wishes, expectations, etc. influence their view? From this place, what do they want and need? How do they see you? How are they experiencing you?
You might not like what you see. Our behavior, reactions and expectations make perfect sense from our perspective, but when looked at from another angle they are flawed, or better said, they don’t flow or make sense from that point of view. Not for nothing you and your partner are not seeing eye-to-eye and are disconnected.
When you look at your interactions from both your perspectives and the chasm between you is apparent but the views clearer, you have a chance to start closing the rift.
The usual inherent difficulty here is that it is very difficult to see our situation from our partner’s perspective and a tough pill to swallow at that. But once this is achieved, following the simple guidelines above, the reconnecting, and healing, can begin.
The first and most important part of this is to actually tell your partner how you see the situation from their perspective. You are hence validating their experience and bringing them back to life. They are no longer absent, invisible, detached, gone. You don’t have to agree with how they see things, but the mere fact that you are able to see how they see things allows them to come back into existence. They have a voice.
This is necessary to even the playing field and to be able to have a conversation. A partner without a voice can’t conversate and be present in a relationship.
Resurrecting your partner gives you a chance to give life to the relationship you want. With a live partner you can create a joint perspective from which change can flow. This perspective is created by mutually and consistently sharing each of your perspectives while validating the other.
From this place it is a lot easier to meat each other’s needs. It is a lot easier to tailor our behavior or reaction when we know how it hurts our partner than when we are feeling attacked, criticized, taken for granted and ignored!
Go ahead – give it a try. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and start dancing to a new tune!!
Happy Dancing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Next time you feel getting sucked into your usual arguing listen for your partner’s hurts and disappointments hear their perspective. Put your reactions on hold and don’t listen for how this affects you, how you are hurt, what you need, etc. Put your stuff on HOLD!
Just listen to your partner and tell them what you are hearing them say (without making assumptions, interpretations or mind reading) and tell them how you understand their perspective and how they could be feeling as they do as a result (you don’t have to agree with it or see it the same way).
Now ask your partner what behavior change you can make to fix their complaint. Here you might need to coach them a bit on giving you very specific behavior change requests. For example, just be nicer to me, is too general, but, when I come home give me a kiss hello, and when I got to bed a goodnight kiss, is a lot more doable.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I have noticed that we have a tendency to have difficulties Receiving. And, that this is especially true for people who appear entitled, arrogant, demanding, critical, picky, choosy and such for in that approach they are actually rejecting… They have an underlying unconscious operating program of undeservingness.
They sabotage what is coming to them, reject the good, and are blind to the Gifts. They actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy where they don’t get, they get taken from, they are undermined, and even invisible as a possible viable recipient. These are the peeps that look and appear not to need anything or anyone…
I see this person in the partners of relationships that are struggling. They don’t allow the good in. They have a difficult time recognizing the good intentions of their partner and the gift their partner is. They actually take the gift and turn it around.
They rip it apart, find fault and ugliness in it and throw it in the garbage. They invite others not to give to them pushing them away. They revel in their misery, loneliness, victimhood, and martyrdom. They don’t realize how this creates negative energy that attracts more negativity…
Take a moment to identify the people in your life who do this. Who encounter nonsense everywhere they go. Who have bad things constantly happen to them. Who appear stuck and spinning their wheels. Who are always overwhelmed and can’t move forward. Whose lives are filled with drama and pain.
Find all these peeps, make a list of them. What is common about them? How does their “negativity” show up in their life? How does it impact their life? What kind of life have they been able to create? Are they happy, inspiring, and owning their magnificence? How does this affect you? Did your partner make it to your list? Are you on your list…?
Hold everyone in your mind’s eye. Feel each and every one of them in your heart, including yourself if you made it to your list (put yourself there if you didn’t…). Hold everyone really close and tight. Muster all the positive, compassionate, nurturing, accepting, and loving energy you can and bathe all in it. Surround your peeps and your Self with this brilliant Light. You have it in you. Harness it. Bring it forth. Put it to use…
Envision this Light permeating your very molecular structure, sipping into your core, blasting the blackness and the encasement around your Soul out of existence… Behold your Radiant Self! This is the real You. Lead with your Beauty. Bring this forth in your interactions. Be your magnificent magnetic Self and start attracting awesomeness in your life and relationship. Embrace the Gifts around you… Receive the Love you deserve!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Receiving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
For the next week, make it your business to look for all the gifts, blessings, beauty and awesomeness in your life. Stay focused on this task and don’t let anything escape you. Become masterful at finding the Good. To make this task easier, imagine your Self a magnet of good Fortune… Stay alert as to what you attract… Find all the Goodness life has to offer you… Stay in positive expectation… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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