The longer we are with our partner and the more time goes on, there is a tendency for complacency, laziness, neglect, taking-for-grantedness, and boredom in the relationship.
These are common to relationships after the honeymoon period, the infatuation stage of relationships, is over. They are actually a part of the power struggle stage of relationships, where couples can’t seem to see eye-to-eye and get stuck in repeating unresolved conflicts due to their reciprocal triggering of old wounds.
When couples have a hard time resolving issues and don’t have their needs met, they get more and more disconnected perpetuating this cycle further. This can become detrimental if not addressed.
One easy way to tackle this is to treat your partner as if you were still dating. This does not imply to have a fluffy relationship without the commitment and level of intimacy that is present in a more mature relationship. I’m only referring to getting back and maintaining the specialness of being together.
I’m talking about bringing back politeness and respect, planning, caring, mothering and chivalry, romance, caressing, seduction, teasing, playfulness, interest, intrigue, adventure, mysteriousness, surprises, and whatever else your heart desires.
Maintaining these wonderful and tickling qualities in a long-term relationship while it is still in the power struggle phase is very difficult. Couples in this stage are usually combative, self-centered, empty, exhausted, and a lot of times hopeless and resigned. This is all normal stuff but it doesn’t have to stay this way!
Making the effort to have the pleasures of the dating qualities back into the relationship is worth it as it can actually make going through this phase a lot easier.
Having these connecting qualities back help couples stay out of the red assisting them do the work that the power struggle stage requires (seeing the reciprocity of behavior and wounding, and stopping the cycle by giving each other different outcomes than the usual, meeting each others needs). Not running on empty allows couples assess to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual resources and inner strength needed to address their situation.
Give this a try. Do a mind shift and imagine your partner as a possible suitor. What would you do to impress, intrigue, and allure them? How would you treat them differently? How would you behave differently? What areas of yourself would you work on improving?
I know this is difficult stuff as the relationship has picked up a life of its own by now, and add the daily responsibilities and family life to the mix, and you have a complex and tenuous context. But I’m not asking you to go back to dating and throw your current life away or make believe is not there. I’m just asking you to do a minor mind shift and approach yourself and your partner in a kinder more special way. That’s all.
Happy Dating!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Pick two aspects of yourself that you want to change to make you a more interesting, fun, and enticing suitor: (i.e., getting fit, changing your look, being more positive, getting a hobby or other outside interest, uplifting your attitude, addressing personal unresolved issues, closing exits and being more available, etc.)
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It never ceases to amaze me what couples can accomplish and how they are able to turn their relationship around when they set their mind to it! I have literally seen miracles happen… I have seen couples come back from real horrible places. It is a formidable phenomenon to witness.
I have, unfortunately, also seen partners give up on their relationship without fully investing in creating changes. They get too hang up on what their partner is doing or not doing and how they are being or not being. This is a train wreck in the making… Very unfortunate indeed
If you find that you are struggling in your relationship, a little or a lot, I beg you to stop looking at your partner for answers or changes. This is only ingraining and maintaining your status quo. You can’t do anything about what your partner is doing or how they are… You were actually attracted to how your partner is…
Granted, how they show up nowadays might be different, but this is only a protection on their part… Their True Self, the person you fell in love with, is still there! I want you to remember this and engage your partner as if you can see their True Self… Ignore their nonsense and engage their True Self, Core Self, Authentic Self, Pure Self, Soul… When you engage Soul to Soul, miracles happen…
Your approach needs to be: to Be as you want to Be. Be the partner you want to be. Treat your Partner as if you are in love… Treat your Partner as if they are your dream come true… Treat your Partner as if they are the best thing in your life… Treat your Partner as if they deserve to be treated with the utmost love and care… Does this feel like too much? Exactly… Treat your Partner as an equal human being…
(Ouch!) We don’t generally invest in having an Awesome Relationship… Isn’t this crazy? We invest with all our might in other things, but not in our relationship and then we wonder how come it suffers. Then we wonder how come we are not treated well. Then we wonder how come it fails. We get what we put in!
I’ve been pushing my clients in this regard with CRAZY AMAZING results! I know it can be done.I know you can do it too. The trick is to focus on ourselves, not on what we don’t get and how we are wronged, but on what WE put in and what WE contribute.
When we focus on our stretches, how we communicate, on soothing ourselves when triggered, mindfully and respectfully going about getting our needs met, understanding our partner and having compassion for their experience, sprinkling our interactions with loving and caring gestures, setting things up for cooperation, etc. the tending pays off.
Sometimes this approach is challenging to embrace. I know this too… This is difficult because we are insecure, our Ego gets the best of us, we are holding on to resentments (the past), we might be projecting (putting things on our partner that’s not theirs…) or owning our partner (we know best how they should be and what they should do…), or we are not being accountable for our own Self – we are not being honorable and virtuous…
These get in the way. This is sucky. We do not want to go through life and our relationship like this. This is a sure way to being unhappy…
Instead, we want to invest with all our might, to really go for it. Now, I’m not talking about smothering or stalking your partner, being disingenuous, etc. I’m talking about really contributing the way your partner and relationship call for… As I’ve written before, partners share that “they’ve tried it all” and that “they do everything for the relationship” – but is what they have tried what is needed the way it is needed?
Usually it is not… Herein is the secret: tailored and targeted investing – not till you drop dead and at your expense investing, but just the right investment that meets both your needs… I’ve seen it done. I know you can do it as well!
So, figure out what is the right investment and go for it. It has to touch the right places, at the right times, in the right way while meeting both your needs. This might seem tricky but it is TOTALLY doable. Just put on your open minded lens and you’ll see… Invest the best, get the best…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Investing!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Stop thinking about how your Partner stinks – stop thinking about how they could look better, do better, be better… Stop owning them! Start thinking about how You can invest better!! Focus on what You contribute and what You can do better… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As I’ve written before, one of the reasons some couples’ relationships deteriorate over time is because the partners get lured by life away from their partner…
Partners work hard at their jobs and become involved in their careers, children absorb much of their attention and a multitude of life maintenance tasks drain their energy. Compound this with “poor relationship skill” and the fact that most relationships get stuck in the “power struggle” stage of relationships, and we have a formula for disaster!
I hear quite frequently how couples “don’t have time” to spend together, be with each other, enjoy each other’s company, have time to have chats, catch up and process, and plainly do fun things together. This is a very common experience. I think that a lot of us in general feel we “don’t have enough time”.
Therefore, I’ve become a student of “time”. I have been significantly more aware and attuned to time, how I use it, structure it, experience it, and of course even misuse it. In this quest I”ve also done some reading on the topic. A book I found very interesting is called: “Unwinding the Clock: Ten Thoughts on Our Relationship to Time”.
I would like to share with you a concept I became alerted to, that of divided and undivided time. Remember when we you were a kid and summers appeared endless? The reason for that was that time was undivided. The summer was a long string of connected days.
Now as adults, we chunk up time into small units into which we fit frenzy activity. We have lost the idea of unstructured, unscheduled, unobstructed time where being, creating, and connecting with nature, others and life were the primary goals.
I would like to bring this back into our lives. Granted we can not generally have a string of days of unscheduled and unstructured time, we even slice up and over schedule time when we are on vacation!, as we would not fit in the structure of our society, but we can bring it into our lives as much as possible.
What I’m suggesting is “chunking” time into as large amounts of time as possible. This alters your experience of time. Assign projects and theme tasks to larger chunks of time as opposed to constantly or frequently moving from activity to activity and experiencing time fly by. When you can get lost in a larger frame and settle into yourself, you’ll feel less rushed, more available and in touch, creative, energetic, and alive!
I have experienced this myself and try to recreate it on a daily basis as much as possible. Note, that the nature of my work, seeing clients on a 45 minute schedule, is counter indicative to this goal. Moving from client to client all day long makes time go by extremely fast.
So, I apply this “chunking” concept to my other work days so I have larger portions of time – in essence more time! In that created time I can be more creative and productive and not experience “lose of time”.
Imagine instead that I had clients all over the map, and left the in-between time to get things done. I would never have enough time to get anything of any worth accomplished aside from insignificant tasks and putting out fires. You see there is not enough time in in-between time for us to get settled, be and tap into ourselves to imagine, create, and produce. This is how we waste our lives.
A related concept I want to visit is that of undisturbed time. Keeping interruptions and distractions to a minimum or nonexistent in our moments, makes our moments feel longer. Did you ever notice that waiting on line at the market or doctor’s office feels interminable unless you are on your cell phone or reading and therefore distracted from your moment?
Having time is a frame of mind. We all have 24 hours in the day. We all have lots we do, and even more we want to do. Yet, some people get a lot more done than others, feel more satisfied and don’t walk around feeling frazzled, rushed, stressed and like life is passing them by. The secret lies in not being distracted from your moments. You will have all the time in the world when you live your time.
I’m inviting you to create bigger chunks of time and undisturbed moments in your routine, lifestyle, and interactions. This will bring a more present, aware, open, energetic, and alive you to your projects and moments. Imagine what an enhanced and available you can come in contact with your partner and in a much more conducive context: The universe is the limit!!
Gain your time back and your partner. Stop passing each other by like ships in the night!
Happy Timing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner to pull his calendar out and together create chunks of couple time to be left undisturbed and open to be utilized as you fancy at the moment. No work, tasks or serious discussions allowed! Start early thinking of ways to “be” with your partner in preparation for when the moment arrives.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couples frequently come to my practice expressing that they have lost something or that something is missing in their relationship. They complain there is no passion. They share that they are good friends, but want something more in their relationship. A lot of these couples have a sexless relationship (having sexual intimacy less than one time per week) and want to express and feel their love in all realms including the physical.
Passion has to do in part with the energy of the partners and the relationship. If one or both partners are tapped out, and if the relationship is depleted, not for nothing the partners find it difficult to feel passion and maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. Energy is required to have sex!
It behooves these partners to mind their own energy level and quality and nourish the relationship’s. The relationship’s energy is made up of what the partners put into the relationship, in the space between them: time, effort, care, nurturing, kindness, respect, etc.
Each partner’s own energy is very personal and they each need to determine what enhances and depletes it. It is up to each partner to protect, tend, create and manage their own energy. Energy can be generated and enhanced through tailored efforts to meet our specific needs in the areas of sleep and rest, nutrition, hydration, exercise, routine and life style, emotional and spiritual care, support system, and stimulation and fun.
Even small amounts of stress, toxicity, negativity, and drama and indulgence on substances such as drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, and tobacco can have a detrimental effect on the quality and level of our energy and need to be eliminated from our lives.
Couples complaining that something is lost or missing, and about the lack of passion and intimacy, is an indication of depleted personal and relationship energy. The stuff in between us gets lost or damaged as time passes if not safeguarded. The courting, being on our best behavior, having our game face on, putting our best foot forward, and the intensity to be with one another diminish overtime.
As the relationship and our lives become more complex, we become overextended and care less for ourselves becoming exhausted if we are not careful. Energies becoming depleted create an empty situation and a passionless relationship (and life!).
When both partners are consistently and appropriately taking care of themselves and putting in quality stuff into their relationship, energy abounds and sparks fly! Partners can reignite or find their passion!
Happy energizing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Generate more personal energy! Work on one item from each list at a time.
Increase the quantity and/or quality of: Sleep and rest Nutrition, Hydration Exercise, Routine and life style ,Emotional and spiritual care, Support system, Stimulation and fun
Eradicate from your life: Stress, Toxicity, negativity, and drama, Indulgence on substances such as drugs, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, and tobacco
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Why do couples struggle enjoying downtime and having fun together? As we know, opposites attract. This phenomenon is also found in couples which means that usually partners have opposite personalities, needs, wishes and preferences – including what they consider relaxing, enjoyable and fun.
This does not mean that your leisure time, your Summers or vacations are doomed. This does mean a need to intentionally plan your time together so you create a win-win experiences.
Being intentional in your relationship, no matter the topic or situation, is a key component of a successful relationship. When partners mindfully create efficient routines, conscientious budgets, accepting exchanges, fun interactions, loving moments, etc. they are investing in creating an awesome relationship.
The different areas work because intention and thoughtfulness was used. When partners haphazardly go about their life and relationship, they have a “haphazard” experience…
Here is your plan for intentionally enjoying downtime, having fun and creating memorable experiences:
Dream: Have a brainstorming session with your partner about leisure time, vacationing, outings, activities, experiences and the like that each of you would like to have. Make it a “Wish List” thus becoming about each of your own wishes and not about your partnership… This removes the pressure or threat you might each experience at having to endure your partner’s pleasures… Have fun with it, go nuts.
Have a range of wishes from the most practical and simple to the most extravagant and outrageous. Make sure to include specific details, behaviors, and desired feelings for each. Have a date conducive to the exercise to go along with the session. Be thorough, take it seriously, make it light, add humor, think outside the box, and be as creative and open as you can.
Plan: Have a planning session, date, with your partner about having fun together. This might sound counter intuitive, but spontaneity doesn’t always work specially if you have a hard time getting on the same page in general… Decide what you are planning: daily leisure or downtime, weekly dates, monthly outings, quarterly staycations, vacations, holidays or other celebrations, etc.
Then, go back to each of your lists and highlight items related to your choice.
Decide from whose list you will choose an item (take turns going forward…). If you can’t agree, put your names in a hat and do a draw… If you chose to use Partner B’s list, Partner A picks a highlighted item from the list… This provides the buy-in… Now for the icing on the cake, Partner A also gets to add a “little touch” to the choice to make it more their own – without trumping or nullifying the original item! Whoala!
Enjoy: The key to enjoying time together is to let go… Partners get hang up on whether their needs are being met that they forget about being with their partner… They put on the “ego/critical” lens and have high expectations that are bound to sabotage the moment. Not for nothing fun time is not fun… Letting go of expectations, control, me-focus, and the like ensures your enjoyment in the end.
And, the key trick is to go at this to please your partner – with gusto, no resentment or grudges please… Make a real investment here. If you chose an item from your partner’s list – make this about them… If your partner chose an item from your list, go out of your way to have your partner enjoy your item… This approach automatically changes the energy flow giving you a better version of your partner in return! Win-Win!
This is a preventative and intentional tool that teaches envisioning, strategizing, and investing skills essential for creating your awesome relationship. Don’t skimp – the more you put in, the more you get out… Embrace this tool and integrate it into your Took Kit.
This is applicable to all kinds of time spent together, and you can even extrapolate and apply it to other contexts. This is a dynamic must use tool! Go ahead give it a try for the next fun together time you are trying to plan. Create a memorable time!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Creating!
~Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide on a Memorable Experience you want to pursue from your “Wish-Lists”, and go for it: Calendar it, schedule it or book it, flesh it out, and prepare for it – don’t leave any details unaddressed… Have a thorough plan and attitude check in place… Have Fun! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
