One of the love languages is Words of Affirmation (book referenced above). Words of affirmation come in many forms including praise, acknowledgement, credit, recognition, validation, compliments, and appreciation. Each of these are a gift in and of themselves.
When you use these, you show your partner that you notice and see them, appreciate them, like and accept them, that you are proud of them, that you cherish them, that you understand and get them.
How much easier would our relationship be if we consistently showered our partner with these gifts? Most couples’ disconnect come from not feeling gotten by their partner. They don’t necessarily need to have Words of Affirmation as their primary love language, but please know that all human beings need to feel understood, gotten.
If your partner is not keen on thank yous and compliments, that’s fine, but do use the other types of affirmations to show your partner you get them and like them!
Feeling gotten is a very primal need. In being gotten, we know we exist and that we are OK. We know we are important and that we matter. This is paramount that parents do for their children, showing the children they understand where they are coming from. A lot of the time, we did not receive this as children ourselves because we had less than perfect parenting. Now is the chance to receive these gifts and to bestow them onto our partner.
Note that we are not always ready to receive the good stuff. Be patient with yourselves and each other. It might be initially strange and scary to all of sudden know you exist and matter… and to be in intimate connection…
Be attentive, curious and gentle in your approach. Surprise your partner with your interest and mindfulness. Show them you get them and their world (you don’t have to necessarily agree with it but just accept it). Show them you like and love them, quirks and all!
Happy Affirming!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Invite your partner to a getting to know you better session. Each of you list on a piece of paper the Five Love Languages (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) and on separate columns rate them in terms of importance to you and what you believe is important to your partner. Compare and discuss your findings. Keep them in mind as tailor how you show love to each other!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Usually we have good intentions and mean to invest in our relationship. Somehow this fizzles from the moment we have that thought or attitude to the next moment… We are very fickle in our thinking about the status and course of our relationship. One moment we are partners for life, the next we can’t wait to get rid of our partner… I see this day in and day out…
I see this play out in two ways in relationships:One is lack of focus, discipline and commitment. I find that partners mean well, they have an attitude and perspective adjustment, agree to invest in their relationship to soon after lose focus, dedication, momentum and commitment to their investment…
The other includes the arrogant and resistant partners who question everything, lack faith, struggle owning themselves, get stuck in victimhood or in logic when the business of being in a relationship is far from logical… If you are like most partners you probably have a combination of these.
The key is to establish mechanisms to keep you from fizzling:Challenging your thinking and perspectives when your Ego kicks in – Get in touch with your Authentic Self, compassion, love… Stay vigilant for any negative, other owning, blaming, and not accountable or honorable thinking. As soon as you spot these, eradicate them.
Using your emotional system – Most couples have one partner that is very emotional and one that is not very in touch with their feelings… The emotional partner is to contain and self-regulate, moderate their feelings. The other is to get in touch with them and share them.
Implementing self-management systems – Create repetition patterns for self-care (i.e., get a massage the last Friday of the month) and to-dos (i.e., do laundry every Sunday morning) and schedule them as necessary.
Implementing relationship enrichment systems – Establish rituals and routines for your contribution and nurturing (i.e., weekly dates, appreciation times, getting current “appointments”, night time flow, etc.).
Getting support – Put in place whatever you need to help you stay focused and properly investing in your relationship and your life! Enlist or hire help for chores, childcare, house maintenance, finances, nutrition, fitness, health, relationship shifting and enriching, and others that fit your situation and desires.
When we are intentional about our approach to our relationship and our life, we can’t not create the relationship and life we desire. The key is to be as intentional as possible about everything… You are the creator of your relationship and your life. Make it count. Set out to create an Awesome Relationship and an Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Creating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Be very mindful of what thoughts you allow to rent space in your head! Your mindset and expectations create your reality… Be intentional about your thinking and expectations. Identify two things that bother you about your relationship. Examine your thinking around them. Change your Ego perspective and expectations to a Compassionate and Loving perspective RIGHT NOW! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A key ingredient in a satisfying relationship is Understanding. When we don’t feel understood we are out of sinc with one another and our needs can’t be met.
Understanding validates our existence, is respectful and mindful. It is amazing that most people do not have this necessary ingredient in their relationship. One reason for this is that people confuse understanding with agreeing. When we understand someone, our partner, we do not necessarily need to agree with them.
Understanding means you understand where the other person is coming from, what they are saying, how they see things, how they interpret things. It means you put yourself in their shoes. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes does not mean you go there with your mindset. It means you go there and make believe you are them.
This is the best way to understand your partner. When you make believe you are them and look at the situation from their perspective. Look at the situation as if you had their history, their views, their context (gender, religion, ethnicity, etc.), their baggage, their ideals, their dreams – their mindset. When you truly put yourself in their shoes, you can really see how they look at things and how they are affected.
A lot of times, we have a hard time understanding our partner not only because we do not truly put ourselves in their shoes, but because our baggage gets in the way. We relate everything back to us and listen from a wounded stance. Add to this the fact that most people do not know how to really listen, and you end up with unhappy partners and a dissatisfying relationship.
Understanding our partner does not have to become a major production. Here are the basic ideas about understanding our partner:
Put your own agenda, notions, response, complaints and rebuttals on hold.
This is not about you even though it might feel that way specially if your partner sounds accusatory
Listen to your partner’s words without adding meaning to what they are saying; no mind reading and assumptions allowed
Don’t listen to agree or disagree, to problem solve, to look for loop-holes
There is no right or wrong – this is how your partner sees things
Listen to where they are coming from by putting yourself in their shoes, put their mindset in your head and listen from that perspective
Wait until your partner is finished expressing their point to show them you heard them
If they are long-winded you might want to stop them along the way to check-in and make sure you are following – see below
Repeat back to your partner what they said as closely as you can without passing judgment – just show them you heard what they said
Tell them how you understand what they are saying using their mindset information – remember you are just understanding not necessarily agreeing
When you use this technique you will understand your partner and you will show your partner that you understand them. From this loving and respectful place it is a lot easier to see eye-to-eye and get yourselves on the same page.
Being on the same page allows partners to ask for what they need and give what is asked. This helps partners meet each other’s needs and create a satisfying relationship.
Happy Understanding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Invite your partner to share about a dissatisfaction they might have and to try to relate it to you without placing blame on you, if applicable. Listen to them using the technique above even if they fail to not be accusatory.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When we are babies we learn to get our needs met by alerting our parents of a poopie diaper, hungry belly, or an ouchie with our crying. As adults, we continue to try to get our needs met with our “crying”. Our crying has become more sophisticated over time and now takes the form of criticism, nagging, put downs, and jab!!
When we resort to this kind of behavior in our relationship, it simply means that our needs are not being met. This way of coping and approaching our partner in our attempt to get our needs met though only ensures our needs continue not being met as who wants to be loving, nice and caring to the perpetrator of an onslaught?
It behooves us, for our sake, our partner’s, and the relationship, to figure out a different way of communicating our needs. Our fancy “crying” is not going to do the trick…
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT – First ask your partner if they are available to have a talk. If they are not, ask them when would be a good time and get a specific commitment.
EXPRESS YOUR POSITION FROM AN “I” PLACE – Share your complaint with your partner stating how you feel (using feelings), succinctly describing the aggravating behavior, and the reason this bothers you. Note, you are not pointing fingers…
MIRRORING – Ask your partner to repeat back what they heard you say without analyzing, defending, explaining, bringing it back to themselves, or dismissing it.
VALIDATING – Ask your partner how your complaint makes sense given who you are and tell them they don’t have to agree but just see your point.
EMPATHIZING – Ask your partner how they could see how you are feeling.
GO DEEPER – Share with your partner how you are reminded of similar childhood feelings and ask them to show you how they get the connection.
GET YOUR NEED MET – Now think of three thorough, mutually exclusive and concrete ways in which your partner can address your complaint, meet your need, heal your childhood hurts. Ask your partner to repeat them and once he gets them to choose one to do.
GIVE THANKS – Thank your partner for being available and for agreeing to meet your need. GIVE THEM A TURN – Ask your partner if there is anything they need to “dialogue” about repeating the steps above with them starting.
I want you to be aware that usually what we need most in our relationship is what is the hardest for our partner to give (given the way they were brought up, were hurt in the past, and their personality).
Their chosen “behavior change” is a stretch for them and a challenge where patience, encouragement and support should be provided for our partner to be able to be there for us. Here is a chance to redefine your “crying” so that you do get your “ouchie kissed”!
Happy “Crying”!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Integrate dialoguing into your relating and routine:
Teach your partner the “dialogue”. Consistently ask for and concede dialoguing moments Schedule dialogue time
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship and life are a reflection of the choices we make… I find that we make poor choices at almost every turn and then wonder how come our relationship and life are not as we’d prefer them to be… I find that we do not own our Self and our life, that we do not know who we are and what we are meant to do… I find that we do not take the time to design our relationship and our life.
I find that we are not intentional about creating the relationship and life we desire. I find that we do not Live in the moment and create a fabulous relationship, and life, in every moment…
We have a choice every moment on what to think, how to feel, what to focus on, what to work on, how to respond to things, what to do, what to add or remove from our life, how to set things up, etc. We do not intentionally exercise the power of choice. We mechanically and by default go through life… What an awful and unsuccessful way to Live!
It is time to create an Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life! It is time to implement the habits of highly successful people. This means being intentional about EVERYTHING. This means exercising your power to choose. This means owning, honoring, your Self…
Embrace these basic habits of highly successful people (as it relates to life and relationships):
1) Visualize and decide what kind of life and relationship you desire…
2) Have your relationship and life reflect your values
3) Have a plan and work it!
4) Create balance in your life
5) Manage your Self
6) Be open to feedback and act on it!
7) Work through rough stuff, don’t avoid it
8) Be courageous. Feel your fear, but take action anyway!
9) Create win-win situations (compromise)
10) Take educated risks
11) Address problems quickly and effectively, to resolution…
12) Be adaptable and embrace change
13) Be proactive, not reactive…
14) Be generous, compassionate and kind
15) Strive to always improve your communication and other relational skills
16) Be brutal about removing complaining and blaming from your repertoire
17) Focus on positives and strengths, efforts, contributions, gifts
18) Look for the lesson and stretch in everything; be always learning, healing, growing
19) Use your mind as a tool, your body as your home, your feelings as your compass
20) Be your Spiritual Self
It is time to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life – show up to it, own it, design it, create it, live it!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Make a commitment to being the creator of your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Assert that you will exercise intentionality. That you will consciously choose at every turn.
Pick a Success Habit and implement it this week!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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