We meet somebody, we like them, and we entertain their company more and more. Then, we decide we really like them and decide to go steady. Then, we decide we love them and start thinking of a life together. Then, we get wheels in motion to have a life together. And, all along the way we do this haphazardly and by-the-seat-of-our-pants. We think we are planning and deciding, but are we?
We use superficial reasons, using resume-like things, to decide if we should entertain someone, and eventually like them. When there actually are unconscious mechanisms at play deciding for us! Have you ever wondered what two people saw in each other?
Did you ever feel a pull to someone who was not your type? Have you wondered why you stayed in relationships that didn’t work and couldn’t understand why you did? Do you wonder now why you stay with your partner when you feel your relationship is not working?
The reason is because you are not really choosing, or you are choosing for some superficial reasons again… The unconscious glue is beyond the scope of this article, but suffice it to say that this is why we struggle in relationship.
What to do? Two things. One, delve into your unconscious and subconscious processes to understand what’s happening, and then to actively work on reprogramming yourself and accessing your Authentic Self… Two, be intentional about the relationship you want to create.
Being intentional about what you want to create first requires you to know what you want! This brings me back to the fact that we usually do our relationship by accident and not by design… So, let’s not do that anymore. Let’s start creating your radiant relationship.
Letting go of how you experience your present situation with your partner, think on what your ideal relationship (with your partner) would look like? Be careful not to think of how your partner would be different… This doesn’t work! You can’t change your partner.
Take a step back and think about what would it be like if you had the relationship you wanted? I know this is a difficult thing to do, but stay with me.
Pause how you are thinking about this in terms of logic, possibility, and the pragmatic side of things. Suspend logic for a second, which by the way is also Ego… Take a Higher perspective and look at the possibilities in your relationship.
Put your Self and your Partner in a bubble in your mind’s eye, completely detached from really, and see what you can see as possible? Imagine you visit an alternate reality where you have the relationship you want with your partner…
You get to observe this version of yourself and your partner in this world, and this couple can’t see you… You get to fully Witness their relationship… What do you see?
How do they wake up in the morning? What morning routine do they have? How do they nurture each other? How do they go about their day? How do they stay connected if they are not together? How do they transition into the evening, and then the night? How do they interact?
How do they deal with the business of life? How do they make decisions? How do they get things done? How do they set goals and go about achieving them? How do they have fun? What kind of lifestyle do they have? What kind of life are they living? How do they create a legacy? How do they inspire others?
This is where you remain open, curious, intrigued, accepting, receiving, understanding (don’t doubt, begrudge, judge, resent, etc…). Stay in the possibility. Stay fluid. Suspend rationality and observe with acceptance, compassion, heart, Love. See the partner. See their Authentic Self. Know that this is YOUR Partner… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Know that the other person is you… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Take a moment to note how you don’t allow these things now… For real, don’t blame your partner for you not being able to be who you want to be, who you are… Stop that now, and own your Self. Think about how you are getting in your way of not having the relationship you want… How are you not fully showing up? How are you still blaming your partner…? Detach from this and sit in Love and compassion for your Self. Accept your Self. Give your Self Love.
Operate from a place of Love, for your self, and your partner, going forward. Operate in the here and now as if you are the version of your Self in your alternate reality… Own the possibilities and make them true!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When people think of boundaries, they think of boundaries they need to put in place for relating with other people… This is true, but there are more important boundaries that need to be addressed first if setting boundaries with others are to be effective…
The other set of boundaries are boundaries you set for yourself… Don’t balk, this is one of the most important things you’ll ever do in life… Aside from focusing on ever improving my own boundaries, I specialize in working with people who struggle with the concept and application of setting effective boundaries (whether they know it or not!). It is usually blatant when people are having difficulties with boundaries.
I’m sure you have seen this as well. But more importantly, I want you to be able to see this in your own relationship, and not only in your interactions but in your own thinking… For that’s where the rubber meets the road…
Most often when partners are frustrated with their partner it’s because they are owning them in some way… Meaning they are thinking how their partner should be, think, feel, behave, etc. They are measuring, judging and criticizing. When you do this, this means you are in your partner’s circle, and therefore owning them.
This disempowers them, and you… Explaining this further is beyond this article, but know that this is the surest way to be unhappy and create a yucky relationship.
The trick is to think and talk intentionally about how you feel and what you need, without telling your partner what to do and how to be (even in your own head!)… This is huge. If this is the only change you make in your life, your life would still be transformed! Give it a try. Clean your thinking and presentation. Own your Self, set effective boundaries on yourself…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Self Owning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Select a time to sit with your Self and dream… Make a date and safeguard this appointment.
Use this time to envision, see with your mind’s eye, your Alternate Reality™. Witness it. Explore it. Know it.
Describe and capture what you observe in a recording modality of your choice (journal, computer, other electronic device). Capture characteristics, behaviors, skills, environment, experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc. Capture how you are… What you contribute. How you set things up. How you respond. How you show up. Your brilliance…
Pull a theme that really talks to you from the above, and translate that into concrete behaviors you can introduce now into your relationship… Then just do them, regardless of what your partner is doing!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We know being in relationship and managing a joint life is not easy specially when both partners have busy and demanding careers or commitments. Life can feel like a challenge everyday…
I created the Successful Couple Strategy™ (the Successful Couple Process™ revised) from the work I do with couples assisting them create their successful relationship. It incorporates key concepts from established clinical theories and therapies, wellness and success insights and principles, and my proven processes, techniques, and tools.
It helps intimate partners easily get on the same page, become a stronger partnership and increase their connection, intimacy and fun. Partners get to fall in love with each other again, and enjoy peace, joy, and love in their home and create a life of meaning.
The Strategy flows from my MetroRelationship™ Philosophy where the Relationship is the cornerstone of our Life… There is inherent synergy in our partnership, which usually goes untapped… Our partner is our life Partner… Our partner is a Gift for our own evolution… They are the mirror to show us how we are being so we can see how we need to change.
They are the playmate in the playground that is our relationship. They are the sand in our clam. They are the perfect match to trigger our sensitivities so we now have another chance to get what we didn’t get growing up. When we get our core needs met, we heal. When we stretch to meet that of our partner, we grow.
As we evolve together we can create something amazing, of amazing impact… We do this through role modeling and being inspiring as a couple, through our (co)parenting, and through taking on a Cause for larger impact to humanity. But this can’t take place if we don’t crack the code on how to do our relationship well!
Partners have the tendency to go about their relationship with blinders on missing out on the opportunities for healing and growth. They miss the forest for the tree. They get stuck in their perspective and their usual MO in their interactions, viewing and treating each other like enemies as opposed to using this as the vehicle of possibilities that it is…
The key is to approach our partner as an ally, as our Partner, from a heart-centered place… From here we get that we are in this together, for a reason, and that being vulnerable and working together makes all the difference. Therefore we can have compassion for our mutual experience… This is the essence of our Human experience…
When we miss this, we are not really living our Life… It’s time to Awaken and live the life you were meant to live!
The Successful Couples Strategy™
The Strategy is comprised of five core Elements that when assimilated and integrated into the relational approach create a transformation, not only for the relationship but also for the overall quality of life of the partners and the couple. The more the Elements are embraced the quicker and more profound the change…
Element 1 – Context: Empower Your Self Do you feel stuck and yearn for more in your relationship?
Shift your relationship mindset and break the impasse
Element 2 – Communication:Be Heard and Validated Do you experience frequent misunderstandings?
Effortlessly get on the same page and better get each other
Element 3 – Clarity: Get Your Needs Met
Do you have recurring conflicts and disagreements?
Understand why you have recurring dissatisfying interactions and change the pattern
Element 4 – Connection: Become More Connected
Do you feel lonely, taken for granted, and unappreciated?
Reignite your love, deepen your intimacy and enhance your passion
Element 5 – Collaboration: Create Your Dream Life
Are you carrying the brunt of the responsibilities in your home?
Create a sustainable rock solid partnership and enjoy a peaceful, loving and inspiring home
Each Element addresses a significant relationship factor that when operating haphazardly and unintentionally tends to undermine the wellbeing of the partners, the couple and their success. How is your relationship foundation? Are your core relationship factors established purposefully and intentionally? Or is your relationship built on a house of cards and running on fumes?
It’s time to pay attention and add some intentionality to your relating. Make sure your Relationship Succeeds!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Take a step back and analyze your relationship for the Gift it’s supposed to be for YOU.
Do you get how it’s a gift? Do you see what it’s supposed to do for you? Do you see how you can use it for your healing and growth? Do you see the opportunities for these day in and day out? Do you see how your partner is your life Partner?
When you get beyond the minutia of life and break the impasse in your relationship, what do you think you’ll see as the purpose of your union? What higher calling might be involved? What action can you take today to honor that?
This line of thinking is not for the faint of heart… If this is beyond your capabilities right now because of the status of your relationship, don’t worry you are not alone. Just know that miracles do happen, and this too shall pass. Just be open to the idea that this is just a bump on the road, and that awesomeness is in store for you.
Also, make sure you do what you are supposed to do to make changes in yourself and your relationship… Make sure you own what you contribute to the status quo and move mountains to change your side!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Transforming!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify what Element of the Successful Couple Strategy™ needs your attention:
Element 1 – Context: Empower Your Self
Shift your relationship mindset and break the impasse
Element 2 – Communication:Be Heard and Validated
Effortlessly get on the same page and better get each other
Element 3 – Clarity: Get Your Needs Met
Understand why you have recurring dissatisfying interactions and change the pattern
Element 4 – Connection: Become More Connected
Reignite your love, deepen your intimacy and enhance your passion
Element 5 – Collaboration: Create Your Dream Life
Create a sustainable rock solid partnership and enjoy a peaceful, loving and inspiring home
Explore ways to bring this Element to par. Select one and create an actionable item around it to implement immediately and start your transformation!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What makes your relationship special? What is it about your relationship that makes you happy? What do you appreciate the most about your partner’s essence? How does your partner’s essence enrich your life?
I find that partners tend to forget what’s at the core of themselves and their partner. They tend to focus on what’s in front of their face, the behaviors they don’t like, the habits that annoy them, and attitudes that might hurt them. Top with the fact that these things are looked at through skewed lenses. They are looked at with lenses warped with limiting beliefs, the pain of childhood wounds, scripts and poor boundaries. They assess and process their partner’s every move and their interactions through these warped lenses. They use incredible logic to make the case that they are being wronged in some way.
I have heard versions of people’s logic depicting how messed up their situation or partner is. Does the logic add up? Sure. We can make a case for about anything we want… Looked at through our scripts we can find just about any fact we want to prove our version of things. But adding up mere facts and our interpretation of them doesn’t serve anyone. Proving our script dishonors our core Self, that of our Partner and the sanctity of our Partnership. We don’t have to make ourselves right to be heard or understood. We don’t have to prove a case as if we are going to court to be seen and validated. We don’t have to tie ourselves to some version of what we make out to be Truth to he honored…
What is our Truth? We get hang up on facts as truth, but this is the most unlikely measuring stick… Facts can be strung together to tell a version that validates our scripts… And, we can make some compelling case. This is dangerous business!
This way of analyzing our partner, our interactions, and our relationship only serves to leave our Partner out of it… For in that analyzes there is barely an ounce of Truth about our partner and our relationship. Our partner is no longer part of the equation at this point. What we are doing instead is making ourselves the victims and work hard at validating that over and over… This is crazy making. I see people everyday take themselves on rides and let the squirrels in their head run the show… This is the surest way to be unhappy and miss the boat on the possibilities of our Partnership.
Every time we entertain the noise, the doubt, and the fear and allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and victimhood, we are missing the boat. So, how do we break this harmful mental and emotional habit? It can feel daunting to even get a glimpse that we are in a maze of our own making, that the reality we believe is wrong… It can feel so illusive and overwhelming that it’s easier to close our eyes and go on as usual. A devil known is better than the one unknown. So we keep on looking for ways to validate how we are wronged.
But what if, what if for a moment we entertain the idea that our partner is not the enemy? That our partner is dealing with their own demons. That our partner actually means well. That our partner is trying their best. That our partner is stuck in the maze with us!
If only we were both to look up and recognize the maze; and, agree to work together to get out. The maze would all but disappear! The illusion would no longer hold us captive. Breaking the mesmerizing hold doesn’t have to be hard. You have to really want it. You have to trust your Self. You have to go the depth of what you know and hang on to the Truth. Your gut knows the Truth. Your heart and Soul know the Truth. When you get that glimpse your job is to hold on to that for dear life and not let go. This is how you break the trance…
Operate from your known Truth regardless of the facts. Use the benefit of the doubt, grace, vulnerability, compassion, empathy, validation and Love. See the core of your Partner, not the noise surrounding your partner. Assume the best of intentions even if they come at you with a sledgehammer (you can address the delivery later!). Stop assigning motives to your partner about their not being interested about you and your needs, or caring about you. They are doing their best.
It’s time to work together to get out of the maze, use how you get each other better, and enjoy the good stuff you fell in love with in the first place. Yes, it is still there! This is the Essence, the Truth! Don’t let defense mechanisms, lack of development, bad habits and lack of skills mute this radiance! > Boundary setting and getting needs met: Let’s say your partner is selfish (is coming across as selfish to you…). They seem to be all about what they need, how they need it and when they need it regardless of the impact on you and your needs. This takes the form of space and separateness for the distancer in the relationship and the form of connection and togetherness for the pursuer in the relationship…
Regardless of the topic at hand, this is the underlying dynamic / MO at play. You can be talking about who is going to do the grocery shopping – the distancer wants to go alone and crank it out, the pursuer wants to go together and have an experience while shopping. If your partner doesn’t want to come grocery shopping with you does it mean they don’t care about you? If your partner wants you to go grocery shopping with them does it mean they are trying to control you? We have to watch how we assign meaning to our interactions… Regardless of the topic and the outcome, what’s important is how we address it. It is in the addressing that the healing, growing and evolving happens. Where the closeness, intimacy and Partnership happens. Once you each express what is happening for you and show you get your partner’s experience or position, a solution can always be found… The trick is not to impose our wishes, but to express what is happening for us without assigning motives to our partner.
NOTE: When we assign motives we actually feel differently! This is what gets us into trouble. Stop imposing your script and start honoring the essence of your Partnership! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Honoring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment For the next two days, monitor your internal dialogue about your partner and your relationship. Note how you assign motives and are employed fulltime proving your script. This can be discouraging and exhausting! Then, make a commitment to give yourself, and your partner, a break. Going forward, every time you catch yourself owning your partner or playing victim stop and regroup:
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and connect with their Essence
Look for the exception in your script, anything that’s not congruent with making your point, and hone in and expand that
Make note of how the black cloud lifts… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I have found that most relationship issues can be boiled down to taking personal responsibility and setting effective boundaries…
This includes showing-up to our interactions appropriately by being intentional, mindful and compassionate. It doesn’t do anybody any good to show-up by ramming ourselves down others’ throats… That’s not actually showing-up… This is disrespectful and a boundary injury…
What is showing-up?
Showing-up means we share our internal experiences, our dreams, our feelings, our preferences, our skills, our gifts for the good of all involved. Not just for our benefit… We don’t do this at the expense of others… We do this to create mutuality, to learn each other, to connect, to serve each other, to create a stronger partnership. In partnership we are more than the parts…
But it takes skill and a certain finesse to do this well.
A lot of times partners don’t feel heard, understood, seen, valued, appreciated and therefore are on a rampage to be seen – however they do that. This can look like actively pursuing the other for these things, or like withdrawing for self-preservation, out of resentment, and for power struggling.
The partners usually polarize in their approach where one becomes aggressive or overzealous and the other becomes passive-aggressive or paralyzed / stupefied / inactive…
It is the overzealous person that usually seems to struggle the most in the relationship.
They are the ones that are doing the feeling for both partners… They are the expressive ones, the ones not satisfied, complaining, criticizing, and overtly reacting. They don’t realize that their approach makes their partner withdraw even further and become more stupefied. This leaves them more alone and abandoned maintaining this painful cycle.
The challenge here is to self-soothe and self-regulate, implement a self-care practice, and learn containing skills. Containing skills means knowing when and how to approach the partner to increase the chances of being heard and getting needs met. Throwing-up on the partner, beating them up, and demanding for needs to be met usually don’t go over well…
It is the inactive person that usually seems unfazed and uncaring in the relationship.
This is simply not true. They are fazed and affected in different ways, and at times they are not even aware of it… Their reactivity is passive-aggressive. Because their needs are different and they express themselves differently it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or don’t care.
They do have a tendency to come across as narcissistic, making it a challenging to see behind this. They even believe their own indifference sometimes… The challenge here is to get past all these defenses (that are often in the form of a lot of logic…), to own vulnerability, and to take a risk being available…
Being available means not only making the physical time to spend together, but being able to take the partner in (to be attuned), to get them and to have compassion for them.
It is our responsibility to show-up appropriately to our interactions, being mindful of how we impact our partner, and to represent ourselves in a way that honors us and gets our needs met. If we are not getting a desired response, we have to identify what we are doing that’s inviting what we don’t want. How are we co-creating the interaction with our partner that is not serving us?
Pay attention to your particular flavor of how you do this, and start stretching and tweaking how you show-up to be more mindful of your impact. Upgrade what you contribute so you can both have a better experience! > Boundary setting and getting needs met:
Let’s say your partner is always late. The best way to address this is not when they are late and you are annoyed, but to address this for going forward. So, knowing that your partner might be late coming home, meeting you, being ready to go somewhere, or in some other way decide which is the most frustrating and tackle it first.
Address these individually, separately and specifically. Have conversations with your partner to put in place parameters around each late situationtype to prevent relationship moments from going south.
Include: clearly established and agreed upon time to “get together”, courtesy agreed upon checking-in time to confirm still on the same page.
How much notice to provide heads up of any changes, how to stay in touch if things change to regroup and come up with alternative solutions that work best for the person waiting, how much waiting time is reasonable, what happens after the waiting time lapsed, and how is the infraction amended (whether things were in the other person’s control or not.
They still need to make amends if they are late – ranging from apologizing to making whole new plans to their partner’s preference). The parameters can be tweaked as needed beforehand for special circumstances. Keep in mind each of your tendencies to be overzealous or inactive in your relationship and the underlying needs for each when setting up the parameters.
The overzealous person has a tendency to feel abandoned, taken for granted, unimportant, not valued and not seen/heard. The inactive person tends to feel criticized, controlled, stifled, smothered, unappreciated and incompetent/not good enough. Keep these in mind when setting up the parameters so neither partner gets triggered by how the set up might play out.
No plan or set up is perfect. The key is to be as preventative as possible and remain intentional, mindful and compassionate when situations are not working out as expected. Always show-up with your best Self!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Tweaking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Revisit the last exchange with your partner that went south, and identify how you did your usual… Recognize your flavor of distancing and pursuing in that particular scenario. Break it down, deconstruct it to its smallest denominator catching even the smallest of infractions on your part.
Find the questions, responses, exclamations, body language, etc. that gave your partner the usual impression of your pursuing or distancing. Then, reconstruct the exchange by tweaking each infraction. Note, how the exchange could have changed course at anyone of these junctures giving you a different outcome…
Bring this insight into the next exchange that can potentially go south, or as it is starting to go south. Always be as intentional, mindful and compassionate as possible. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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