Do you find that hard as you try you seem to be stuck in the same place? That it seems like you’ve tried it all, work hard at it, are pooped and yet nothing is different? Unfortunately, this is the story of most partners, the ones that give a hoot anyway. The rest have resigned themselves to living contentedly in ignorant bliss missing out on the potential inherent in their partnership. Either one of these suck in my book.
I don’t concern myself with the peeps that are content. It’s their choice to live mediocre lives and survive their relationship. To each their own. I do concern myself with the other lot. They are my peeps. They are the partners I live and work for. They are the partners I’m on this earth to assist, guide and inspire. I know those peeps intimately… I know it is a struggle day-in and day-out to Be our Authentic Self and Be in Relationship.
I know what it’s like to grow and heal in relationship. I know what it’s like to make difficult choices, to live outside the box, to explore new frontiers and push the envelop all in the name of owning our Selves and creating an awesome life and relationship.
So, I ask that you hang in there. There is a reason you are in this place. There is something you are supposed to be learning. Some part that still needs healing. Some code that still needs cracking.
Mine has been being vulnerable, trusting, letting go and allowing help… I know I can’t do it alone… I know it takes two Partners to have a relationship… (don’t laugh, or judge). I now Know a lot more… I’m a therapist and relationship expert, but I’m still human… It takes courage to own not being perfect, and to remove the perfection mask… It’s actually pretty liberating…
What is your mask? What is your lesson? What is your code to crack? What is really going on for you? Dig deep and see if you can see it? What is your vulnerability? What is your week spot? What is the trigger, wound? What are you protecting against?
What is the message about your Self, alone and in relationship, that has been renting space in your head? It’s time to stop all this. It’s time to evict the fear monster and victim mentality, mindset. Are you with me??
I understand if you are hesitant and scared. It makes sense to me that it’s difficult to imagine something different that doesn’t include quitting and starting over. Believe me I get it. Leaving in this place makes it difficult to see what is beyond, to see the possibilities. I ask that you have little faith, courage, patience, open-mindedness and willingness to go the extra mile, on foot! Yes, you’d be out of your comfort zone.
Yes, without a doubt you will question if you are on the right path. Yes, there will be moments when you want to throw out the baby with the bath water. But through all this, I ask that you stay in faith and open for it is here that the magic takes place… I know what lies on the other side. And, it is pretty awesome… We can get there together. I can show you the way, if you let me.
Here is how we get started: Take a risk… (hold the sighing, or huffing and puffing!) Push through the fear… This can take many forms: Deciding not to leave the relationship, even if just for now. Deciding to continue to invest wholeheartedly regardless of what you get in return, for now.
Showing your partner you are all in, that you believe in them. Staying strong even when your partner wavers, not jumping on the misery and reactivity wagon. Extending clean invitations for connection. Doing loving and nurturing gestures. Creating and enjoying fun moments.
Pending on the status of your relationship and stage of investment, you will have different reactions to the above. Regardless, take what resonates and take one immediate related action today. When you start pushing the envelop, pushing through fear, taking a risk, interactions and dynamics start realigning, the relationship starts to shift, you feel awesome… For some this experience is slow in coming (because they are still very guarded).
For most initially, it’s up and down until this is their new norm. I ask that you trust the process and Be in it. The more you allow your energy to flow, the more fluid, flexible and open-minded you are (not guarded, defended, and full of Ego), the smoother this is and the quicker you’ll find yourself on the other side…
Take that risk, mindfully push through the door of fear, and you’ll find yourself on the other side… It is that simple to start getting results… Try it today!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Risking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Choose an item that has been a sore spot between you and your partner. One where you don’t see eye-to-eye, have a difference of opinion, haven’t been able to compromise on, has been taboo to bring up, has you walking on eggshells, or has resulted in fights.
Think about what would happen if you let go of your position, if you get your Ego out of the way… What would happen if you weren’t so invested in your position? For what is our position anyway…? What would happen if you detached from the meaning of letting go of your position…? For this is Ego driven and a protection… What would happen if we took this risk, and just let go…? Think about it… How will you be different…? How will you be free…?
How will you be empowered…? How will you become available…? What would happen if you got and honored your partner’s perspective? What would happen if you genuinely showed this to your partner…? Can you muster the courage and take the risk? Can you deal with being out of your comfort zone? Can you receive the awesomeness that follows…? Put safety and support in place, then go for it! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our mood is impacted by many variables in our lives if we let it. Our hectic lifestyles, poor self care, habits, emotional problems, the weight of our history, etc. can all have a huge impact on how we feel and therefore how available we are in our relationship(s).
But how we feel can also be a choice. We can train ourselves to live with better moods. Our perception is the engine behind our feelings. How we choose to look at our world, how we choose to narrate our story, and receive what it offers dictates how we feel. How we let information in and wear it on our body influences our mood! (for a more detailed explanation: Unlimited Power, by Anthony Robbins)
If you choose to look at a situation from a negative angle, and in your mind’s eyes it is big, loud, blinding, tight, looming, your feelings associated with the situation will include powerlessness, hopelessness, overwhelm, fear, worry. If you look at the same situation and make it small, far away, quiet, malleable, open the feelings generated now will include mastery, control, hope, strength, ease, power.
The same is true for good stuff – if you look at them as big, loud, bright, colorful, expansive, all encompassing you will feel ecstasy, excitement, zest, joy, exuberance; if you look at them as small, distant, dull, quiet you will miss out on the joy and gift of the moment!
Also, depending on how we choose to perceive something, we decide to act on it and let it impact us accordingly. We have ideas of how we should look depending on what we believe the impact is on us: If we think we should be tired because we didn’t get enough sleep, we carry ourselves tire like and feel tired. If we think something is supposed to make us happy, we smile and we feel joy.
If we think we should be overwhelmed because we have a lot to do, we droop our shoulders with the weight of the world, and feel hopeless and powerless. Get my drift? You try it. Choose a perception, see how you carry it on your body and how you feel.
Hence, you can choose how to perceive, let stuff in and the meaning you assign to it, and how you act and carry it on your body and take control of your mood in any instance!
You can, starting right now, have the mood you want at any moment in time. When you choose positive moods consistently over time, you rewire your brain with new neurological pathways where it learns to feel good on its own and it won’t require as much effort or consciousness on your part.
You feel the way you choose to feel. When you choose to assign a negative meaning to a situation or interaction and choose anger, jealousy, resentment, or other negative feelings it is difficult to feel loving, nurturing, open and available to be in connection with your partner. Choose right now to view your relationship, situation, interaction differently and to have a flirtatious, sexy, fun, warm, caring, loving mood and invite your partner into connection!
Happy Perceiving!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Catch yourself feeling cranky or other negative feelings; practice changing the meaning you are assigning to the moment and make your body have the look of feelings associated with the new meaning…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What makes us Us? What is the essence of our relationship? Is it the sum of You and Me? Of two separate entities committed to each other, hopefully, that positively, or indifferently, relate to each other? The essence of our relationship is made up of the connection between ourselves and our partner.The energy in the space between us.
This energy is flavored and characterized by the stuff that lies between us. This stuff is influenced and created by our personal histories and our personalities; how we behave, act and respond; what we allow and invite to happen; how we structure our selves, lives, and routines; how we hold ourselves back or grow; how we heal or hurt; what we choose to spill into the space; the color of our lenses; our perspectives, etc.
Relationships that are riddled with difficulties between the partners have their in between space filled with dirty stuff. They do not appropriately handle their stuff which becomes damaging to the energy, the connection, between the partners.
If we are neglectful of our selves, are not responsible for ourselves, live our life unintentionally where we are victims to the whims of others and life, if we are less than loving to our partner – our connection suffers.
If we could see the energy in between this type of partners, it would look like a very thin, brittle, translucent filament. Barely visible or tangible. And, the partners would not be doing well in the relationship, and, most likely, individually.
If this is your relationship, your job is to safe guard your connection from yourselves and others: Heal old wounds. Put your history in perspective and re-author the story of your life. Take care of your self and your life. Set appropriate boundaries for yourself and with others.
Learn better communication skills so you can get on the same page with your partner and prevent additional damage to your connection. Be kind, respectful, accepting and supportive to your partner.
Once you start being mindful of the space between and caring for it, you’ll notice a difference in your feelings towards each. Your relationship will become more satisfying and you’ll feel more deeply connected. Start putting in good stuff in the space between you!
Happy Stuffing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Start being mindful of the space between you and your partner. Think of three ways to start nurturing it and enhancing the energy, strengthening your connection. Schedule related tasks into your schedule – integrate nurturing your relationship into your routine!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You have a loooong to-do list. You have others to attend to. You have projects on the burners. You are busy, you juggle, you push to the limit to get to it all. You might be sleep deprived. Sometimes you might forget to eat, even though you generally go for nutritious and clean food. Heck, you might even try to stick to an exercise routine.
At the end of the day everything else but you comes first… You are in the throes of demands and might feel like you are running out of steam, pulling your hair out, screaming at the top of your lungs, hiding under a rock, or all of the above. Wait, this sounds like the Holiday Season! Some live in this mode the rest of the year as well… But you don’t have to be in this place now or during the Holidays…
What is this place any way? Why do we create this frenetic pace? Why do we create this way of operating? Why does our life feel out of control? We live in this space to get things done and to take care of others because it we think it makes us feel good and in control… Wait, what?! That’s right.
The way we go about life is actually counterproductive. It’s actually creating the opposite from our desired outcome… This place is called lack of ownership… This place is called lack of boundaries… This place is called being codependent… Ouch!
I know this place intimately; I still operate this way sometimes. I recognize this place in other’s from a mile away… These peeps are in pain, and sometimes they don’t even know it! Instead what they know is that their relationship doesn’t work. That they are not compensated enough at work or that their business is suffering.
That their children are not doing well. That their health is deteriorating. Or, they just plain feel unhappy and dissatisfied… Do any of these resonate with you?
Please don’t be afraid of the word codependent. It used to be associated with the partner of a substance abuser. Now, it has a much larger meaning. It’s Interdependence gone array… Remember, we do not want to be codependent, dependent or independent… We want to strive for Interdependence – where we are healthily, mindfully and lovingly connected to others while being our Authentic Self.
When we mute, neglect, abandon and even abuse our Self to cope and in the name of another we are being codependent… So, don’t get stuck on the terminology. I’ve seen this also called being Enmeshed, Undifferentiated, Symbiotic, etc. Just hold on to the concept instead and let’s strive for being Interdependent and our Authentic Self. Deal?
So, what do we do? First things first, and that is to start owning our Self. This means staying within our immediate circle of influence and not in our partner’s circle. This means taking ownership of things that are ours… I routinely see partners drop the ball here.
Actually, they keep passing the ball to each other… They look like they are playing a game of hot potato… “You are it!”, they say and wait for the other to change… Not taking ownership of how we contribute to our situation and changing our contribution to it guarantees staying in the same ugly place… I promise!
How do we know what is ours? How do we know what we can change? How do we empower ourselves? Actually, this is quite simple believe it or not. I see immediate and profound changes as soon as partners start implementing this, without fail! The big reveal is: Minding your own thinking, feeling and doing and not your partner’s… This does not mean being obnoxious, inconsiderate, callous or uncaring… to the contrary.
When we own our Self we also embrace our thoughtful, understanding, compassionate, and loving parts of our Self… When we clean our mindset, invest in naturally feeling good, and take responsibility for our all our decisions and actions (including setting proper boundaries, meeting our needs and doing self care) our world starts to change… I promise!
Some might think that setting boundaries is giving our partner the middle finger. If that is you, stop that! Setting boundaries does not mean being mean… It does mean taking care of our Self while minding the other’s best interest…
Start owning your Self, start changing your world. Your world becomes a piece of cake when you start operating from this empowered state… It’s quiet an unbelievable experience… Trust and let go… Start living your Authentic Life and enjoying your Awesome Relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What are some things that you find yourself complaining about in your life? In your relationship? How do you contribute to the issue, situation, experience, status quo…? Find a different angle, perspective, approach to address this… The secret is to use your Self differently… Take an immediate action to address your concern today. Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Whether there is a lot of fighting and bickering or quiet discontent and separateness, most couples struggle in their relationship. You might feel dissatisfaction, loneliness, and hopelessness seep in and take an unrelenting hold of your relationship from which you can’t seem to figure out a way to feel okay in your relationship and with your partner.
A daunting sense of despair, panic and / or paralysis might overcome you perpetuating the hurtful cycle (the demand / withdraw, pursuer / distancer, over- / underfunctioner, maximizer / minimizer pattern of relating). This is a result of using self-defeating defense mechanisms when triggered by the repeated unsuccessful attempts at trying to connect with our partner.
When we feel vulnerable, stressed, concerned, needy or just simply need to be in connection, we put our feelers out for our partner for comfort and might try approaching our partner for the safety of connection. This is an evolutionary bonding need that ensures our survival.
In connection we survive and thrive. When our approach is thwarted, dismissed, rejected, ignored or not recognized and our need goes unmet, we feel a sense of doom. Our very survival is at stake.
It is imperative for partners to feel connected to ensure a satisfying relationship and a sense of wellbeing. There are three key components (captured with the A.R.E. acronym) to making this happen according to attachment expert Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight. These include:
Accessibiltiy (Can I reach you?) Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?) Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?)When our partner is consistently available, open, receptive and approachable, we know we can turn to them.
When our partner is attuned, accepting, and makes us a priority we know we can count on them. When our partner is absorbed, attracted, involved, and interested, we feel special and wanted – we know we exist and we are OK.
This is the recipe for creating and sustaining connection and strengthening your bond. When you are accessible, responsive and engaged toward your partner, as best you can be even when things are rough, you become safe to your partner and in turn invite them to reciprocate. You change your dissatisfying interaction cycle to a satisfying, healing and loving one.
This is how we enjoy connection. This is how we are OK. This is what you get out of being in relationship. Give it a try. Give your partner the A.R.E. and invite them to thrive in connection.
Happy Connecting and Bonding!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about how you can each be more accessible, responsive and engaged with each other. Take turns speaking for yourself and how you intend to enhance your bond and connection.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
