I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A crippling state in relationships is when partners can’t seem to get each other and get on the same page. Partners struggle with being themselves, seen, accepted, recognized and embraced. I find when couples struggle is because the partners are having a difficult time honoring themselves and each other…
The partners get busy trying to be seen, acknowledged, get their needs met and have their way that they lose sight of the other and shoot themselves in the foot with their approach. They encroach on their partner bringing about the opposite of what they are actually seeking.
Partners bring baggage (wounds, triggers, buttons) and blind spots to their relationship that makes them vulnerable to recreating disappointing patterns. They bring histories laden with poor role modeling and emotional injuries, lack of relational and self management skills, meager relationship and life mindsets, invalidating habits and routines, and a haphazard approach to their relationship.
— It behooves partners to identify what emotional injuries they are carrying around that keeps attracting situations as opportunities to repair and heal… Why be tortured and get smacked upside the head by leaving this to chance? Assertively seek out what is your internal driver and set up a plan to address and heal this. It is time to eradicate this black hole that sucks the life out of your relationship.
— It behooves partners to learn how to effectively participate in their relationship for maximum impact and results. This needs to be a life long investment to always enhance, improve and sharpen their skills – communication, conflict resolution, decision making, breaking patterns, meeting needs, self soothing, containing, risk taking, nurturing, connection, intimacy, dreaming, goal setting and achieving, etc.
— It behooves partners to be intentional about what they allow to rent space in their heads. It is imperative to be mindful about thought processes, thinking habits and scripts, and negative and distorted thinking patterns they allow to ensnare them. Relationships are not logical puzzles to be solved!
— It behooves partners to proactively set up their support, environment, routines, rituals and self care to facilitate a smooth and pleasurable journey.
— It behooves partners to prioritize their partner, mindfully and intentionally give to their partner, stretch to meet their partner’s needs (in the stretch we grow… so we both benefit…), and set up mechanisms to make this effortless.
Partners have strengths they bring to the relationship that complement each other. It is important to capitalize on these as they are part of their attraction and their contribution to the relationship. A lot of times we focus on what we lack, what we need to do better, holes to fill, the stretches we need to make that we end up muting what we actually have to contribute…
For the Pursuer – How do you contain, chill out, let go, trust, continue to be nurturing without becoming a doormat or a martyr? Do embrace your expressiveness, connecting and nurturing know-how.
For the Distancer – How do you take a risk, be vulnerable, express feelings, and partake without losing your voice? Do embrace your practical, logical, and down-to-earth savvy.
When couples struggle they go to extremes using their assets making them a hindrance instead; or they pause or hide them in order to feel more compatible but end up cheating the relationship and their partner of their strengths and attraction…
Find the balance between overpowering and cheating your relationship of your strengths… Go forth honoring your Selves and properly investing in your relationship. Then awesomeness is in-stored for you!
Happy Balancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify a gift or character strength that you have been underutilizing in your relationship.
Gently (re)introduce it into your relating. Invite your partner to do the same.
Be aware of your own and your partner’s resistance in favor of maintaining the status quo…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding).
They feel they are behind their peers in terms of professional and relational achievements, and can’t seem to synchronize on handling the business of creating a joint life and getting their needs met.
In these couples the partners show up in two ways:
One is the pursuer (borderline tendencies…) – the one that needs connection and acknowledgement to feel OK.
The other is the distancer (narcissistic tendencies…) – the one that needs more space to be themselves to feel OK.
Note, that nothing in life is so clear cut – there is range on both sides on how this manifests. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
These partners create a loop of pursuing and distancing that creates more stuck patterns and dissatisfaction. They constantly hurt each other, usually not intentionally. Their main focus is to make sure they are OK. Their ego is on overdrive to make sure they are not smothered or swallowed up (for the distancer) and not abandoned or rejected (for the pursuer).
The ego’s approach at making sure we are OK, is to do more of the same and more intensely – nobody ever said the ego is smart… Therefore, if you are a pursuer – to feel OK you pursue even more. If you are a distancer, to feel OK to distance even more… If your partner distances, you pursue. If your partner pursues, you distance. You see how we can get stuck?
One of the pursuer’s main fear is not to be seen, feeling like they don’t exist or count. For the distancer, one main fear is of not being good enough, or feeling small or not measuring up.
The way the partners go about addressing their related needs trigger the other’s fears which engage their ego further (the fear-based approach to relating and life). When the pursuer wants connection and acknowledgement and they don’t get it, they micromanage and criticize to get what they want – which makes the distancer feel not good enough and small like they don’t have a voice or can’t be themselves.
When the distancer wants space and have a voice and they don’t get it, they shut down and withdraw and go do their own thing – which makes the pursuer feel abandoned, not wanted and not existent.
And, this creates a mess! Here are two quick tips to start breaking the codependency:
1 – Own yourself and not your partner! If I got a dollar for every time I say or write that… Mind your beliefs, thinking, feelings, communication, and attitude and behavior… and not your partner’s…
2 – Work your “stretch”. If you are a distancer, your stretch is to feel your feelings, own your voice responsively and respectfully, and not shut down or withdraw – safeguard the connection… If you are a pursuer, your stretch is to contain yourself, self soothe, self regulate and self manage, find ways to stay grounded and engaged, and to be patient and stand still…
When couples focus on changing how they are contributing to their stuckness and invest in stretching and changing their own approach to the relationship and their partner, beautiful things start to happen. I wish this for you. I you happiness , abundance and authenticity upon you!
Happy Stretching!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
If you are a distancer – find two areas you need to be more vocal on and mindfully share your perspective on them… (this gives you a voice and importance)
If you are a pursuer – find two self care activities to integrate into your routine… (this helps you self soothe and regulate)
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Usually we have good intentions and mean to invest in our relationship. Somehow this fizzles from the moment we have that thought or attitude to the next moment… We are very fickle in our thinking about the status and course of our relationship. One moment we are partners for life, the next we can’t wait to get rid of our partner… I see this day in and day out…
I see this play out in two ways in relationships:One is lack of focus, discipline and commitment. I find that partners mean well, they have an attitude and perspective adjustment, agree to invest in their relationship to soon after lose focus, dedication, momentum and commitment to their investment…
The other includes the arrogant and resistant partners who question everything, lack faith, struggle owning themselves, get stuck in victimhood or in logic when the business of being in a relationship is far from logical… If you are like most partners you probably have a combination of these.
The key is to establish mechanisms to keep you from fizzling:Challenging your thinking and perspectives when your Ego kicks in – Get in touch with your Authentic Self, compassion, love… Stay vigilant for any negative, other owning, blaming, and not accountable or honorable thinking. As soon as you spot these, eradicate them.
Using your emotional system – Most couples have one partner that is very emotional and one that is not very in touch with their feelings… The emotional partner is to contain and self-regulate, moderate their feelings. The other is to get in touch with them and share them.
Implementing self-management systems – Create repetition patterns for self-care (i.e., get a massage the last Friday of the month) and to-dos (i.e., do laundry every Sunday morning) and schedule them as necessary.
Implementing relationship enrichment systems – Establish rituals and routines for your contribution and nurturing (i.e., weekly dates, appreciation times, getting current “appointments”, night time flow, etc.).
Getting support – Put in place whatever you need to help you stay focused and properly investing in your relationship and your life! Enlist or hire help for chores, childcare, house maintenance, finances, nutrition, fitness, health, relationship shifting and enriching, and others that fit your situation and desires.
When we are intentional about our approach to our relationship and our life, we can’t not create the relationship and life we desire. The key is to be as intentional as possible about everything… You are the creator of your relationship and your life. Make it count. Set out to create an Awesome Relationship and an Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Creating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Be very mindful of what thoughts you allow to rent space in your head! Your mindset and expectations create your reality… Be intentional about your thinking and expectations. Identify two things that bother you about your relationship. Examine your thinking around them. Change your Ego perspective and expectations to a Compassionate and Loving perspective RIGHT NOW! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship and life are a reflection of the choices we make… I find that we make poor choices at almost every turn and then wonder how come our relationship and life are not as we’d prefer them to be… I find that we do not own our Self and our life, that we do not know who we are and what we are meant to do… I find that we do not take the time to design our relationship and our life.
I find that we are not intentional about creating the relationship and life we desire. I find that we do not Live in the moment and create a fabulous relationship, and life, in every moment…
We have a choice every moment on what to think, how to feel, what to focus on, what to work on, how to respond to things, what to do, what to add or remove from our life, how to set things up, etc. We do not intentionally exercise the power of choice. We mechanically and by default go through life… What an awful and unsuccessful way to Live!
It is time to create an Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life! It is time to implement the habits of highly successful people. This means being intentional about EVERYTHING. This means exercising your power to choose. This means owning, honoring, your Self…
Embrace these basic habits of highly successful people (as it relates to life and relationships):
1) Visualize and decide what kind of life and relationship you desire…
2) Have your relationship and life reflect your values
3) Have a plan and work it!
4) Create balance in your life
5) Manage your Self
6) Be open to feedback and act on it!
7) Work through rough stuff, don’t avoid it
8) Be courageous. Feel your fear, but take action anyway!
9) Create win-win situations (compromise)
10) Take educated risks
11) Address problems quickly and effectively, to resolution…
12) Be adaptable and embrace change
13) Be proactive, not reactive…
14) Be generous, compassionate and kind
15) Strive to always improve your communication and other relational skills
16) Be brutal about removing complaining and blaming from your repertoire
17) Focus on positives and strengths, efforts, contributions, gifts
18) Look for the lesson and stretch in everything; be always learning, healing, growing
19) Use your mind as a tool, your body as your home, your feelings as your compass
20) Be your Spiritual Self
It is time to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life – show up to it, own it, design it, create it, live it!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Make a commitment to being the creator of your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Assert that you will exercise intentionality. That you will consciously choose at every turn.
Pick a Success Habit and implement it this week!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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