Do You Wish You Lived in an Alternate Reality?
We meet somebody, we like them, and we entertain their company more and more. Then, we decide we really like them and decide to go steady. Then, we decide we love them and start thinking of a life together. Then, we get wheels in motion to have a life together. And, all along the way we do this haphazardly and by-the-seat-of-our-pants. We think we are planning and deciding, but are we?
We use superficial reasons, using resume-like things, to decide if we should entertain someone, and eventually like them. When there actually are unconscious mechanisms at play deciding for us! Have you ever wondered what two people saw in each other?
Did you ever feel a pull to someone who was not your type? Have you wondered why you stayed in relationships that didn’t work and couldn’t understand why you did? Do you wonder now why you stay with your partner when you feel your relationship is not working?
The reason is because you are not really choosing, or you are choosing for some superficial reasons again… The unconscious glue is beyond the scope of this article, but suffice it to say that this is why we struggle in relationship.
What to do? Two things. One, delve into your unconscious and subconscious processes to understand what’s happening, and then to actively work on reprogramming yourself and accessing your Authentic Self… Two, be intentional about the relationship you want to create.
Being intentional about what you want to create first requires you to know what you want! This brings me back to the fact that we usually do our relationship by accident and not by design… So, let’s not do that anymore. Let’s start creating your radiant relationship.
Letting go of how you experience your present situation with your partner, think on what your ideal relationship (with your partner) would look like? Be careful not to think of how your partner would be different… This doesn’t work! You can’t change your partner.
Take a step back and think about what would it be like if you had the relationship you wanted? I know this is a difficult thing to do, but stay with me.
Pause how you are thinking about this in terms of logic, possibility, and the pragmatic side of things. Suspend logic for a second, which by the way is also Ego… Take a Higher perspective and look at the possibilities in your relationship.
Put your Self and your Partner in a bubble in your mind’s eye, completely detached from really, and see what you can see as possible? Imagine you visit an alternate reality where you have the relationship you want with your partner…
You get to observe this version of yourself and your partner in this world, and this couple can’t see you… You get to fully Witness their relationship… What do you see?
How do they wake up in the morning? What morning routine do they have? How do they nurture each other? How do they go about their day? How do they stay connected if they are not together? How do they transition into the evening, and then the night? How do they interact?
How do they deal with the business of life? How do they make decisions? How do they get things done? How do they set goals and go about achieving them? How do they have fun? What kind of lifestyle do they have? What kind of life are they living? How do they create a legacy? How do they inspire others?
This is where you remain open, curious, intrigued, accepting, receiving, understanding (don’t doubt, begrudge, judge, resent, etc…). Stay in the possibility. Stay fluid. Suspend rationality and observe with acceptance, compassion, heart, Love. See the partner. See their Authentic Self. Know that this is YOUR Partner… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Know that the other person is you… This is what’s possible if you allow it…
Take a moment to note how you don’t allow these things now… For real, don’t blame your partner for you not being able to be who you want to be, who you are… Stop that now, and own your Self. Think about how you are getting in your way of not having the relationship you want… How are you not fully showing up? How are you still blaming your partner…? Detach from this and sit in Love and compassion for your Self. Accept your Self. Give your Self Love.
Operate from a place of Love, for your self, and your partner, going forward. Operate in the here and now as if you are the version of your Self in your alternate reality… Own the possibilities and make them true!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When people think of boundaries, they think of boundaries they need to put in place for relating with other people… This is true, but there are more important boundaries that need to be addressed first if setting boundaries with others are to be effective…
The other set of boundaries are boundaries you set for yourself… Don’t balk, this is one of the most important things you’ll ever do in life… Aside from focusing on ever improving my own boundaries, I specialize in working with people who struggle with the concept and application of setting effective boundaries (whether they know it or not!). It is usually blatant when people are having difficulties with boundaries.
I’m sure you have seen this as well. But more importantly, I want you to be able to see this in your own relationship, and not only in your interactions but in your own thinking… For that’s where the rubber meets the road…
Most often when partners are frustrated with their partner it’s because they are owning them in some way… Meaning they are thinking how their partner should be, think, feel, behave, etc. They are measuring, judging and criticizing. When you do this, this means you are in your partner’s circle, and therefore owning them.
This disempowers them, and you… Explaining this further is beyond this article, but know that this is the surest way to be unhappy and create a yucky relationship.
The trick is to think and talk intentionally about how you feel and what you need, without telling your partner what to do and how to be (even in your own head!)… This is huge. If this is the only change you make in your life, your life would still be transformed! Give it a try. Clean your thinking and presentation. Own your Self, set effective boundaries on yourself…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Self Owning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Select a time to sit with your Self and dream… Make a date and safeguard this appointment.
Use this time to envision, see with your mind’s eye, your Alternate Reality™. Witness it. Explore it. Know it.
Describe and capture what you observe in a recording modality of your choice (journal, computer, other electronic device). Capture characteristics, behaviors, skills, environment, experiences, feelings, thoughts, etc. Capture how you are… What you contribute. How you set things up. How you respond. How you show up. Your brilliance…
Pull a theme that really talks to you from the above, and translate that into concrete behaviors you can introduce now into your relationship… Then just do them, regardless of what your partner is doing!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
