What do you think about the concept of Unconditional Love? I believe this is very challenging for people because of the expectations that exist in the relationship. They equate love with the other showing up a certain way…
If my partner checks off these boxes, then I love them… Think about this for a second, how crooked is that… We obviously then don’t necessarily love the person but what they do and how they make us feel… How they meet our needs, take care of us, add to our status, and such… So, we actually love them on paper? It seems that way…
But we know better, don’t we. We just have a philosophical, or practical, depending on how you choose to look at it, issue with the concept of Unconditional Love. Because even though your partner is not perfect, and they might get on your nerves, and maybe are not meeting your needs, you still love them, right?
So then why struggle with the concept of Unconditional Love? Owning this will not make your partner be a worse partner- this is not a get out of jail free card. LOL
What would happen if you embraced the concept of Unconditional Love? If you really approached your partner and your relationship with this lens on and interacted from this perspective as much as possible. If you didn’t focus on your partner’s imperfections. If you didn’t worry about fairness and supposed doubled standards.
If you didn’t get hang up on whether your partner apologized. If you didn’t go into your partner’s circle and told them how to be, feel and do. If you didn’t try to make your partner do things the way you would, or the way you want. If you didn’t have expectations of what you should get out of this relationship. And so on…
~ What if you just loved your partner because they are awesome. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are on this Journey with you. ~ What if you just loved your partner because they are a fellow Human Being existing in this now and in this relationship with you…
What if you became aware of, if you are not already, to the fact that you are actually an energetic being that appears solid and living in this meat suit because we live in a 3D reality and our experience is limited to what we pick up with our senses…
And, as this energetic being you are actually beyond your mere body, you are actually one with all that is… And so is your partner… AND, as such you are actually ONE…
You are actually part of the whole Universe, you are part of Unity Consciousness- Love Consciousness…
Do you see the implications of this? There is so much here… For now, let’s highlight this, if you are One,
~ When you judge, criticize, scorn, control, reject, or shun your partner, you are doing that to yourself as well…
~ When you don’t like something in your partner, you don’t like that in yourself- might not even be aware you have that…
As soon as you give your partner compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these for yourself…
As soon as you focus on giving yourself compassion, acceptance, and freedom- Love, you’ll feel these from your partner!
When we open ourselves to this inquiry and possibility, and let go of a lower-self experience of lack (we are missing something), attachments (we need certain outcomes), and control (we need to make the things happen) this is when our suffering ends…
This is what the Practice of Letting Go is about… This is about Trusting… About having Faith…
These mindsets, egoic patterns…, just create the struggle we are trying to overcome… These are what hold us back from being able to embrace the Unconditional Love we are capable of and that would make everything so much easier…
~ Lack is driven by believing we are separate and not whole, which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
~ Attachments are driving by believing we need certainty and certain outcomes which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
~ Control is driven by believing that we have to make things happen and have to do all the doing which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
So you see, when we get in our own way with our limited mindset we impact how we feel and experience ourselves, our partner, and the world… Not to mention our nervous system and the rest of our biology and hence our health, and our overall energy and what we are able to manifest…
Addressing these egoic patterns allows us to more easily embrace Unconditional Love and make our relationship, and whole Human Experience, much more satisfying- more radiant, more divine…
Here is to embracing Unconditional Love more this month and going forward…
APPLICATION: Set time aside to contemplate and meditate on the concepts of Unconditional Love and Unity Consciousness…
~ Did you feel peace, joy, love, Oneness?
~ After you quiet yourself down, explore how you might still have limiting mindsets. Observe your lack, attachments and control patterns of thought, feelings and behaviors…
~ Identify which of the three is more prominent for you and decide to gently address these and let them go…
~ Share your discovery and commitment with your partner, with no strings attached…
When we reprogram and release our egoic patterns, it is easier to create / manifest what we desire in our life experience… It is much easier to embrace Unconditional Love and enjoy the Journey…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The concept of setting effective boundaries might feel a bit played out. But it’s interesting that most people still have no idea what setting boundaries actually means… We don’t set boundaries on others, give them consequences, or punish them… We have no control over others, we are not the boss of them- not even our children and our employees or team-reports!
We set boundaries on ourselves… We have to take charge of the things we do have control over, and that is ourselves… We very often disempower ourselves by focusing on what others are doing or not doing… Empower yourself by staying in your circle…
So, let’s put this into the proper context. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It means we decide what we allow to be in our life. Be it in our thoughts, our environment, our relationship, our work, our life in general…
When something is not working for us, we don’t set a boundary on the other person- we don’t tell them what to do. We set a boundary on ourselves, we decide what we’ll be willing to allow to continue. We decide to change our thoughts and how we look at things. We decide how to feel and how to respond.
We decide what our actions, habits, and routines are. We decide how we want to show up to a conversation. We decide what is acceptable behavior, treatment, responses, outcomes, and such. We decide everything we allow…
How does this play out in interaction with others? Beautifully… For when you fully own all of you, your needs, your desires, your expectations, how you show up, how you respond, how you set things up and such- things can’t but go smoothly…
You take care of yourself, you exude confidence, you are responsible for your results, you clearly express your expectations in a way that others can respond positively to them, and you appropriately address when the expectations are not met.
And this doesn’t mean punishing people- this doesn’t mean nagging your partner or giving them the cold shoulder. This doesn’t mean yelling at your children. This doesn’t mean berating your employee.
Addressing unmet expectations means you share how you were impacted, how you feel and how this doesn’t work and why. It means you address what might gone wrong for the other that they let you down.
It means you put something in effect to address what happened and a preventative measure. It means you consider the other person’s needs, skills, abilities, and such so your expectations can be met. You address the situation for a win-win.
We never set a boundary at the expense of another. They might not like your boundary of what you will not put up with or tolerate, or what you will no longer do. But you will never tell them to do something harmful or against themselves, nor tolerate this for yourself… And you are not to tell others what they need to do or not do, feel, or think. That’s in their circle…
This obviously applies to our relationship with our partner. We co-create with them, we inspire each other, we address our needs so we are both taken cared of. We don’t tell our partner that they can’t have an affair. We inspire our partner not to have an affair… We address our side being fully mindful and conscientious of theirs. We do not live in a vacuum. We do not do things at their expense, never.
Even should you be getting a divorce, you are still a fellow human being with a heart. Always go for the win-win… Always keep your side of the street clean. Always take the higher road. You are the one that has to live with themselves at the end of the day…
Even with our children – we don’t own them. Our job is not to control them… Our job is to discipline them- which by definition means help them learn… We teach, guide, set them up for success, and support them… We honor their feelings. We show them how to fully own and expand themselves…
Even with our employees. They have a job description, they have processes to follow, and milestones or goals to achieve. They know when they are not performing to what is expected. That is the conversation. We can’t “manage” people, we can inspire and “lead” them… Sometimes words are limited to fully convey a message, but I think you get my drift.
Even when we lovingly release a partner or an employee… It’s ok if they don’t like your boundary, they can choose what they need to do to meet themselves and you to continue to take care of yourself.
Everything that happens, happens FOR us- remember that… There is always a solution for the higher good of all…
This applies to everything in our lives… It’s ok if they don’t like that you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry. Decide what works for you and offer that. You can take the other’s preferences into consideration and together come up with a plan that works for both of you. But at the end of the day, you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry…
If the other is not cooperative, you always still do your side with the best of intentions for the highest good of all to the best of your ability… Honoring yourself is an act of self-love and imperative for a wonderful and magical human experience. When you operate from this place others cooperate, fear not…
Partners often want to start by having their partner change… They love being in their partner’s circle, then they wonder how come their partner is resistant or uncooperative. Wrong approach my friend! Always focus on your side and the other will follow suit, I promise…
Remember to set your boundaries in alignment with your values… Then they are more meaningful and a lot easier to honor them…
APPLICATION: Compile a list of annoyances and things that don’t work for you in your life… Write it with compassion and grace. Don’t judge yourself or others. They have all served a purpose… Now it’s time to no longer put up with them.
Addressing one at a time: ~ Explore how those things have contributed to who you are today and how you’ve gotten here ~ Identify what no longer works about them ~ Feel the impact they’ve had on you, feel it in your body, breathe through it ~ Thank them for what they have provided you and let them go ~ Identify a practical step to address the things and take an action step towards them today
Taking full ownership and empowering ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you are serious about Becoming your Best Self, creating your Best Relationship, and living your Best Life- this is not an option. This is how you do it!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When we cultivate a letting go practice, we proactively embrace the art of allowing… Huh? Does this sound like a foreign language to you? It did to me when I first started my self-love (spiritual) practice!
There is a whole other lingo that comes along as our self-care and self-love practice evolves… Letting go in relationships doesn’t have to do with just forgetting things and letting others step on us… Having a letting go practice is a whole art onto itself. It has to do with stopping the control and resistance and allowing our higher-self, the universe, to have our back…
Depending on where we are in our Journey, we can learn further Letting Go in Relationships for a more magical relationship and life experience…
~ If you are not very spiritual, or have a very minimalistic or non-existent self-care practice, then all of this might sound foreign and airy-fairy to you. I promise, that being open to and entertaining these concepts and practices more are literally relationship and life transformative…
~ If you are more middle of the road, this is a wonderful place to be as you have experienced the power and magnificence unleashed by being in this open and allowing state, and are still hungry for what else is available…
~ If you are further along in your Journey, you Know and live more in a Unity Consciousness state where allowing comes now more naturally to you and you effortlessly manifest a magical relationship/s and life…
With each of these levels there are more or less trauma, wounds, defenses/patterns, darkness/shadows (unseen parts of ourselves), limiting beliefs, and such still stuck in your body and psyche.
The more we’ve done our work, the cleaner or freer we become of these, and the more we become our Authentic Self- we shift from our Lower-Self to our Higher-Self…
The thing here is that we don’t want to make doing our work, another addiction, another habit, another pattern, another way of controlling, being rigid, and staying contracted…
I’ve had clients that managed to weaponize the tools and skills they learned in session! They would hold this very high standard for using them perfectly and a certain way, and blow a gasket when imperfection inevitably showed up… Heart-centeredness, compassion, connection, and collaboration went completely out the window…
When partners take responsibility for their own Journey, and stop making their partner wrong, victimizing themselves, and making a case for their limitations, they are then able to fully reside in their power. They can finally invite their partner into a gorgeous new dance…
Their mere shifting the focus from their partner to themselves, and how they can show up differently makes all the difference! This shift is possible when the partners start connecting to themselves more… This can be done with a rich self-love practice that includes proper self-care and mindfulness practices.
Partners focusing on their inner-world and connecting with themselves, helps them address their traumas, release their patterns, bring their shadows to light reprogramming themselves– literally rewiring and reconstituting themselves… They do all the healing and all the transcending…
These practices help Letting Go of the tightness, the contraction the rigidity, the control, the blame, the projections, the drama and all the crazy… Allowing for radiance and awesomeness to be a more prevalent experience…
Depending on where you are in your Journey, your letting go in relationships practice might look anything from:
Cleaning and decluttering your home
Clearing your calendar and lessening your workload
Softening your body and your language
Reauthoring scripts and upgrading belief systems
Accepting or making heart-felt and genuine apologies
Releasing repressed feelings and energies
To letting go of plans and strategies and operating from Knowing and the Now…
Embracing a Letting Go in relationships allows us to create, manifest, the relationship and life we desire…
APPLICATION: Take note of where you have excess, tight control, holding grudges and resentments…
~ Create a quiet moment to go within, sit comfortably, take a few deep breaths, relax your body ~ Tune into your body and ask it where is it holding any suffering or pain… ~ Ask that body part and the suffering/pain if it has a message for you, what does it want you to know, what does it need, what would it like… ~ Thank your body for all it does and the pain for alerting you of what you need… ~ Translate the message into an action- e.i., do a 30-day challenge or a 90-day commitment/declaration, declutter your home, open a savings account for a special project or goal, give an apology, release a behavior, etc.
Embrace a Letting Go practice that honors all of you and creates more space and lightness…
Allow radiance in your relationship and your life…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you setting yourself up for your Best Year Yet? I want to help, this is what we’ll do…
First though, I’d like to point something out. I’m sure you’ve noticed that even though we specialize in working with couples, that my writing focuses on bringing out your Best Self to play… I cover this from a lot of different angles bringing it back around to the context of the relationship…
The reason for this is that we have a tendency to get in our own way, and then are not able to show up with our Best Self to our Relationship… The focus is on taking charge of ourselves to create the relationship and life we desire. This personal development is hugely important if we are to have our Best Life.
So, for the next several weeks to ease us right into the New Year, I’ll be covering very specific Relationship Success topics with the usual personal angle and flair. The idea is to prime the pump if you may to setup your relationship for its next level of awesomeness in the New Year. Eh?
Today’s topic – Feeling Stuck. Feeling Stuck is a very common feeling for couples. Partners feel stuck in a variety of ways. Here are some popular ones:
Not moving to the next level of commitment – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married
Not feeling close – feeling like ships passing in the night, disinterest from the other, not being a priority
Not feeling supported – having different preferences for leisure, in-laws issues, conflicting parenting styles, financial management concerns, general disapproval
Not progressing in life – having children, getting the first home or moving out of a starter home, having better jobs or positions, increasing business revenue or impact
Not feeling great in the relationship – experiencing a general sense of dissatisfaction, boredom, apathy, unhappiness
Feeling Stuck is par for the course in relationship at some point or another in its lifespan. Being in a successful relationship is one of the most challenging undertakings in life, with successful parenting being a close second… It is bound to have difficulties, challenges, and ups-and-downs. It is not easy to create a Radiant Joint Life where there is just the right balance of coupling and individualism, and of merging of two lives…
The fact that Feeling Stuck is normal at some point in our relationship doesn’t make it any easier. And, the fact that it’s normal doesn’t mean that we grin and bear it and wait for it to pass. We have to be intentional about addressing it properly or it can end up having severe consequences on the relationship and our life.
Of course, it would be even better to be preventative and hardly at all if ever have to experience this. But usually we learn how to be preventative of future stuckness by going through this at least once… It’s not something we usually start with, “Hm, let me make sure I don’t Feel Stuck at any point in the relationship”…
So, if you are Feeling Stuck, don’t worry you are not alone and know that you can change this. Sometimes when the feeling strikes it feels so numbing, uncomfortable, devastating, hopeless and such that the only way to alleviate the feeling is to get the heck out. But, don’t be rash in making this decision. Stuckness doesn’t have to be pervasive. You can get beyond it and create the relationship you desire… Only you can decide if it’s worth the investment.
It takes commitment to weather the storm, to hang in there, to address the uncomfortableness, to make changes. This is definitely not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to have faith and stay committed when faced with what seem indicators to the contrary.
Others in your life might question your sanity. You might question your sanity. But, it’s during this hesitation and ambivalence that we need to let go of ego and soften our heart…
It’s during our ambivalence that we are the most vulnerable and make rash decisions. I hear often that people wish they would have tried harder or differently to save a prior marriage or relationship.
Note, this is trickier to do when there are severe issues in the relationship – affairs, addictions, mental illness, or others. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done but be prepared for an intense ride. In this platform, I’m not talking to these situations for they require a little more TLC.
It’s during the ambivalence that we have to put our Feeling Stuck into proper Context and not lose sight of the forest for the tree… It is during this time that we have to Transcend our noise, our nitpicking, our stubborn position, our judgement and criticism, our arrogance and high-horse, and such.
It is during this time that we get in touch with what is important to us, why we are in this in the first place, who we actually are and the possibilities, who are partner actually is and the possibilities, the potential…
This is not so easy to do, but boy is it empowering if you are able to get out of your own way and see… For this becomes your Why, the inspiration, the driver, and the strength. This is what’s needed to stay the course. This is how it’s easier to stay committed…
From a committed place you have strength to do what it takes to create change. A key approach is to deconstruct the stories and scripts you have running through your mind, and see how you are cocreating the Stuckness… It is imperative that you take full ownership of your side in it. This is the only place you have control and power. When you exercise your agency, you can create change…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a date with yourself to have an empowering sit down. Create a time free of distractions that is cozy, soothing and restorative.
During this time, explore the story of your relationship. Look at it from every single angle. The only caveat is that you look at it as to how you’ve been in it, from inception until now…
What have been your strengths, your contributions, and your gifts?
What have been your weaknesses, defenses, and erosions? It’s ok to see how your partner might have induced these from you… But it’s NOT ok to blame your partner for the state of things, or for how you chose to react and be… All of that is ultimately on you!
Take full ownership for your side of things… This is where the Transformation starts…
Once you get a taste for how liberating and empowering this is, you’ll feel like a new person. This is how the Stuckness starts to breakdown… This is where the juice is! This is a worthy undertaking for from here anything is possible… Milk this feeling and keep coming back to it. Carry it into the New Year and beyond.
Stay tuned for next week’s issue on a Communication topic…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Deconstructing!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s been a wonderful Season so far of clearing, replenishing, and resetting ourselves. As we move into the lovely holiday weekend with Passover and Easter, if you observe, we can expand on the meaning of the holiday beyond the religious message. I love to experience this time as a time for new beginnings… A time for rebirth, for freely pursuing our heart and our dreams, for beginning anew, for blooming, for thriving…
And, I love applying this lens to our Relationship… This is a time for recommitting to our partner and for starting a new chapter in our relationship, maybe even a new book! Regardless of the status of your relationship, here is another opportunity to reinvest in creating the relationship you desire.
You have a chance to create a new relationship with your partner. You have a chance to start new. I’m all for milking any and all opportunities in front of me. How about you?
So, what does this mean for our relationship? Of course, feel free to run with this concept as fits your life, relationship, current status, style, creativity, and such, but for my priming let’s entertain the idea (don’t overthink this!) of how different things could be if you had no choice but to succeed at your relationship…
How would you show up if all of a sudden:
Your relationship is brand spanking new and you’d inherit trillions of dollars if you create a successful relationship…
You only have a few days left to live and want to enjoy a successful relationship experience…
You lost your relationship memory but know you love and enjoy your partner and have a successful relationship…
You are in a gameshow where you win big bucks if you are selected as the best couple with the most successful relationship…
You are the poster couple for relationships being showcased to teach children about successful relationships…
You are the last couple post-apocalypse and have to role model a successful relationship for the future of humanity…
You are going on a very dangerous mission and want to leave a recorded year-in-the-life of Mom and Dad’s successful relationship for your children…
You are in a foreign world where the inhabitants are to be terminated unless they learn from you how to be an amazing couple, and create a successful relationship…
Your life is threatened, unless you engage your partner creating a successful relationship…
You swap identities with the partners of the most well-known/public, wealthy and successful relationship in the world…
What is the common denominator in the above?
To be the best you can be in your relationship, no matter what… It’s interesting what comes up when you entertain this (again, play along, don’t logic this!).
How would you be in your relationship, if you had no choice but to show up with your best self? It’s also interesting to see what happens when we do show up with our best self… This is what I teach our couples. It makes a huge difference once the partners focus on what they contribute and step up their own game…
Your Assignment this week: Right about now is the perfect time to commit anew to your Partner, the Relationship, and to creating a Successful Relationship. Dust-off your yearly goals and see what you had for Relationship Enrichment. Tweak those as necessary to capture the recommitment, starting new, the gorgeous meaning of the season, and properly kick off Q2!
Your relationship is what you make of it… Your relationship depends on the attention you give it… Your relationship depends on what you put in it… Your relationship depends on how you treat your Partner… Your relationship depends on how you show up… Commit to creating a New Relationship with your Partner… It CAN be done…
Be the partner you want to be… Be your best… Regardless of how your partner is being… You always have the option of no longer being in the relationship. But if you are in it, Be ALL in!
Stay tuned for the next issue on how to create your New Strategy.
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Happy Committing!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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