Doing It Your Partner’s Way
I learned to listen to my husband’s wishes. This might sound simple and easy to do, and even a given, right? But it’s not. It’s common for partners to give and do for each other what they’d like for themselves. Just this week I was talking with a client who does not like to make a fuss over her birthday so she doesn’t make one over her husband’s either, when the he actually wants a fuss!
I wish, my husband likes to fly under the radar also. I’ve learned to respect and honor that. I’ve learned not to embarrass him with undo attention and lavish gifts. It makes him uncomfortable. So, why would I celebrate him and gift him in that way? Who am I really gifting then…?
This works both ways. Whoever wants the fuss, should get the fuss. Whoever wants a modest acknowledgement, should get a modest acknowledgement. Who are we to tell our partner what would make them feel good, how they should celebrate and what kind of birthday, or whatever, they should have?
I see so much pain caused by these impositions. Partners’ refuse to do right by their partner… It’s their way or the highway, never mind their partner’s wishes. Yikes!
Partners also get hang up on fairness. They play the tit-for-tat game. If I do this, YOU have to do this. If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. I’m OK with it, why aren’t you? If I am mindful of this, you should be mindful of this. And, on and on. Fairness is overrated! There is no such thing as fair in relationship.
There will be such things as when one does more than the other, one makes more than the other, one invest more or better than the other, etc. Such is life. If you are both committed, trying and investing you are in good shape.
Don’t get hang up on the details of it all. It’s just noise, minutia and irrelevant life content. You each contribute in your own unique and necessary way… Don’t quantify your investment. Don’t Do in your relationship, Be in your relationship.
And, it’s definitely OK to have double standards! Yes, that’s right. Please read this carefully. This is a huge thing for couples. Partner’s get hang up on justness, rightness, equality, balance, and such in their relating. They worry about how come some rules apply to one and not the other. And, this might be the case for you as well. So, there are two ways to go about this. One, when a rule is made, it applies to both partners.
The one that really cares about the rule, and the other. Both partners agree to abide by this rule. The one that doesn’t particularly love or agree or need the rule complies to meet the partner’s need. Two, when a rule is made, it applies to only one partner.
One partner does a certain behavior, even if they don’t particularly care to, again as an investment. They don’t have the same need, so they don’t require the same behavior of their partner.
The theme here is to stretch and to go out of our way to meet our partner’s needs… Partner’s usually go about this the opposite way. They are all about their own selves, ego driven, thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT encouraging selflessness! I’m encouraging Love…
So, make sure you understand where you both stand on your “rules”. Explore these. What are the wishes, preferences, expectations, guidelines, contracts and agreements that you are each to follow in order to be attuned, connected, safe, synchronized, on the same page, together, and partnering effortlessly?
Don’t impose your wishes for your partner on your partner, they can have their own wishes! Express yours mindfully and respectfully without trumping your partner’s.
Stay open minded, creative, resourceful, giving, compassionate, accepting and forgiving. Both your needs then get met…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Meeting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify an area such as celebrating, planning, eating, cleaning, connecting, investing, parenting, dressing, exercising, or whatever, where you have been out of sync or where there has been tension because you have a different approach or preference.
STOP telling your partner what to do, how to do it, how to feel, what to want, how to be and the like, get out of their circle!
Approach your partner about this topic with the gift of letting go… Let them know that going forward they can do it their way…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
