Partners protect themselves because of the inherent vulnerable position in their intimate primary relationship… It is not uncommon for partners to protect themselves by using forms of control. Control provides a sense of security, safety, preservation, asylum and even freedom.
But these are elusive, they are like sand running through fingers, and hence control is pervasive… Control provides a false sense of being OK, promoting disconnect, pain and dissatisfaction. When partners use control they are actually creating more space between each other. Obviously this isn’t the way to go.
Control can take on many forms. Some common ones include: Anticipating, assuming, mindreading, projecting, using logic and rhetoric, fact-finding, and assigning motive. All which have a negative impact on the relationship…
In anticipating, partners love to think they know what the other will do, how they will respond, what they will choose, how they will feel and such. Yes, because historically our partner has been a certain way and because we know our partner, we can anticipate what might happen…
When we operate from a place of already knowing the outcome, we are not allowing something different to happen. We are not allowing our partner, and even ourselves, from being or doing something different, which is what would create the change we are seeking…
We can make all kinds of assumptions for the same reasons. We might be historically informed, but we are cheating the relationship from evolving. When partners relate through assuming they are creating circumstances for things to go wrong and to be disenfranchised. They are short-changing themselves of an opportunity to connect by checking-in, getting on the same page and synchronizing.
Mindreading is a real arrogant way of being in relationship. Who are we to know what’s in someone else’s mind? Yes, we can make educated guesses, but this is extremely intrusive and disrespectful. We are going in our partner’s mind with our own filters… There is nothing trustworthy of the information coming from this tactic. Talk about really setting ourselves up to fail. Note, this does not refer to imagining how somebody could feel, using compassion…
Projecting is how things get really interesting… Partners start going around and around on topics and experiences losing track of whose issue, feeling, or need it is… This is crazy making in interactions…
Logic, rhetoric, and fact- and truth- finding are all ego-driven. These are ways to prove ourselves right and to make our partner wrong creating a lose-lose situation. And, what’s the benefit in that?
Assigning motives is a sure way to shoot ourselves on the foot. Partners going through a rough patch rarely assign positive motives, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, or extend grace. They are usually convinced their partner did what they did on purpose to hurt or because they don’t care… They assign intentionally and assume the worse.
While these are common, they are not exclusive. Partners have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves to survive their relationship… Imagine employing several of these and others in your interactions. This is the surest way to create bizarre and messy situations.
When you can’t follow what is happening in an interaction or get anywhere, it’s because a lot of these are going on… Make sure you don’t create more damage… Clean this up, and fast! The life of your relationship depends on it, literally!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
All of the control tactics are actually boundary injuries… If you find yourself doing the above, or other control tactics, then you are owning your partner and not owning yourself…
If you just had the thought that your partner is controlling, this applies to you as well as you are still “other-focused” and that’s part of a lack of ownership approach… What are you doing or not doing that is inviting your partner to be controlling…? Identify how the way you are carrying on is controlling in and of itself…
Any boundary injurious tactic constitutes putting a knife to the bond between you… This is a most painful, dissatisfying, and hopeless approach to our relationship. Mind how you can clean up your side… Be super diligent about this. The better the boundaries, the better the relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Feeling disconnected from our partner and at a loss for how to change this, are very disempowering and painful feelings. Couples in this predicament struggle in all aspects of their relationship.
The relationship in general feels unsteady, questionable, elusive, untrustworthy, unsafe, scary or threatening. When we are disconnected we can’t tell up from down in the relationship. We struggle making decisions. We move slow in achieving goals, getting things done or getting anywhere.
We have the experience of being in a fog and of going around in circles. We feel exhausted, disenchanted, hopeless. This state impacts our self-esteem as we feel rejected, unwanted, unworthy, not good enough, not capable. This is even more poignant and obvious for the partner that’s the connector in the relationship…
At some level we wonder, How is it possible to not be able to Connect to the most important person in our life? This is painful. This is torture. This is hell on earth!
This is troubling because it doesn’t feel good to be alone in our relationship, and because life is more challenging when doing it alone. This is painful because in our humanness we are meant to be in connection, our brain is wired for connection. Not having connection is not meeting a basic human need.
And, I’ll go further and say that this is so painful because we are not meeting a basic Higher need. We are not meeting the need to be in our Partnership… In disconnection, we are not in Partnership… If we are not honoring our Partnership, we are missing out on its inherent gifts needed to live our Purpose…
But, it is not all lost. The reasons for the disconnect and how the disconnect manifests are part of the Journey in and of themselves… When we are connected the focus is on tapping into our synergy and doing amazing things. When we are disconnected the focus is on cracking the code on how to connect. In the cracking of the code we heal, grow and evolve preparing us for the next phase of our Life…
So, if you are feeling disconnected all is not lost. Reframe your situation and see the Gift in this. Be mindful to not engage your usual defenses for they keep you blind… Sit tight and take care of yourself. From a more resourced state you can approach your situation and relationship differently creating the conditions for change to happen.
Have compassion for yourself and your partner in all this. This is just a part of the Journey. When you get that, all this is MUCH easier…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When we feel disconnected two things are usually happening. One, one of the partners is trying really hard to connect but is going about it in such a way that it invites the opposite outcome than what’s desired. Two, the other partner is so busy protecting themselves and holding on to their independence that they disappear from the relationship. This invites the first partner to try harder to connect… And, so the cycle continues.
The key here is for both partners not to focus on what their partner is or isn’t doing, but on how they themselves are showing up… This is one of the most important concepts to wrap our mind around if our relationship is going to work, and work well…
Stop focusing on whether your partner is being nice, doing what they said they’d do, using the right techniques or skills, and such. And, most importantly stop keeping score and doing the tit-for-tat thing. Relationship math doesn’t add up! Instead focus on what you are doing to maintain the status quo:
– How do you continue to pursue, demand, criticize, attack, teach, suggest, control, be the boss of the other? It’s time you cut that out. You might think you’ve come a long way not pursuing, but if you are feeling disconnected in your relationship chances are you are still pursuing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get out of your partner’s circle! Your invading their space does not allow them to show up.
Instead work on meeting your own needs, and having compassion and understanding for your partner. No cajoling or helping them do their side, this is codependence… They need to do it. This does not mean not being supportive though. Some take this to an extreme creating other problems… You need to sit tight and appropriately address your needs…
– How do you continue to distance, withdraw, protect, disappear, be unavailable, shutdown, leave, dismiss, minimize? It’s time you cut that out.
You might think you’ve come a long way not distancing, but if you are feeling disconnected, or your partner is feeling disconnected [use this measuring for you might even be shutdown from your own feelings and needs…], chances are you are still distancing in some kind of shape or form… It’s time you really clean how you are operating. Get in your circle! All the protection you are doing is a temporary fix.
You are just postponing the work (healing, growing, evolving) that you need to do. It’s time to stop playing it safe. Life can’t happen if you don’t show up. And remember, showing up doesn’t mean forcing your side. Part of showing up means getting the other person’s experience and giving them compassion for it… This is the heart-led approach that moves mountains…
What will it be? Will you start really Living your life? To do so, keep cleaning how you are operating. You’ll be glad you did!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at how your weeks go, how your days go, and how your daily routines go. What are your chances of crossing paths on a daily basis? I bet not that large unless you both stay home, work from home together or work in the same place.
This means that the opportunities to cross paths need to be created, and guarded. Being in the same place at the same time or touching base electronically does not necessary mean you create connection. Sometimes these interceptions actually create conflict and make things worse.
Some would take this as a sign to stay away. Don’t be tempted to that as that makes things even worse yet. Granted you might not be fighting but the distance is the same as not having a relationship, so what’s the point?
You are tasked with two things:
Teak the flow of your day and routine so you can have predictable and spontaneous interceptions.
Bring your nicest self, operating from a heart-led approach, to your interactions. Talk to your partner’s heart.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
In most relationships usually one partner wants more closeness and togetherness than the other. The partner that wants the togetherness and closeness derives their safety, meaning, and joy from being in relationship and in connection.
They are the ones that do the “relationship work”, make the plans and keep the social calendar, they make sure everything in the home runs smoothly and that everyone has what they need, and are the ones that need to be in “touch”. When this is disrupted in anyway they don’t feel safe, comfortable, grounded, happy, important or valued. In their worst moments, they have the experience of being pushed off, or falling off, a cliff.
These partners tend to be controlling to prevent having this experience and come across as “nuts”, bossy, demanding, critical, mean, uncaring, selfish, reactive, needy and the like. What an irony when their underlying feelings are so raw and vulnerable, when they are feeling so powerless and unloved. Because of their approach to getting love, feeling connection and being together they actually create the opposite.
They push their partner away. They shut down their partner. They are usually a force to be contented with, which their partner is not equipped to do… For you see, they tend to attract a partner who is sensitive to feeling smothered, criticized and not feeling good enough… Therefore with the approach at hand they end up shooting themselves on the foot.
To make matters worse, these partners have a difficult time receiving love, attention, care, appreciation, nurturing, and other niceties… So, even if their partner is able to Stretch to stay in the intensity and stay connected, they are usually not received well… This creates a catch 22 for them, leaving the partners in pain.
The partner seeking the connection has a difficult time trusting the connection being offered because they know it won’t last and the anticipation of the impending “separation” is too much to bear. Also in connection they are “seen” and “see” themselves kicking-up (triggering) all sorts of goodies (shame) exacerbating this dilemma. Connection involves showing up…
This is the challenge. They need to show up for their partner and in their interaction, when they don’t even have their Self… The partner seeking attention and connection is so used to doing for others and caretaking that they are not fully in touch with their Self.
Their sense of Self is not fully developed or strong, making it difficult to bring it out to play… The thing they desire most, connection and attention, is then very scary and threatening. They end up doing funny business when they do get what they desire, giving their partner mixed messages and rejecting the very thing they are after. What a conundrum!
At the end of the day the partner that complains that their partner is not available is not really available either… Ha! This angle on the dynamics is very challenging for the “connecter” to see. They are all about connecting, feeling their partner and being together that at first glance this doesn’t seem to fit…
They’ll make all sorts of claims about how much they wait for the other, how much they reach out, how they do all the nurturing, how the make all the plans, how they do all the asking and taking care of things, and on and on. And, they are right.
They do all that, but that doesn’t make them available… When their partner responds they are met with criticism, nagging, demands, Doing, and such. They are not really Showing-up. They are not Present. They are not Available.
The trick here is to Be, to be available, to be able to feel the other. When we are present we can connect. A lot to times our “disconnector” partner is looking for us and they can’t find us, they can’t “see” Us… Our shell, our body, our noise, our Defenses are there – but We are not… We are busy Doing because we can’t sit with the uncomfortableness of not doing.
We don’t know how, we feel lonely, alone and unworthy – noise and stuff is better to our untrained psyche, our Ego. But in stillness and quiet we can Be, we can feel and know our Self. We get to connect with our Self… We can feel the bond with our Authentic Self, our Higher Self…
When we feel our Self, connect with our Self, we are not alone. Not only do we have our Self, but we are also connected to our Higher Power… We are NEVER alone… When we connect to our Self, our Authentic Self, our Awesomeness is available. And, it is not only available to us, for our Purpose, but to our Partner. They can now feel us. They can now connect with us. They can now be safe around us…
It is time to stop complaining that your partner is not available… Turn to your Self instead and really see if You are available. Do this when you are open and receptive, and in a Self Growth Place™. Doing it at any other time is counterintuitive and defeats the purpose for you won’t See… When you do get in touch with this, you will have moved to a new phase in your Journey.
Investing in your life and relationship becomes Fun… You’d have transcended the stuckness, and now you’d have a blank canvas in front of you to create Connection to your Heart’s content…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Connecting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a moment to review the last two weeks and notice when you were not available to your partner. Go deeper than just not being around or being busy… Even when you believe you were available, assess if you really were… How are you not fully available? How are you not Showing-up?
How are you not Being your Authentic Self? How are you rejecting connection from your partner (who is supposedly the unavailable one…)? Take a deep breath and give your Self compassion… Think of 3 things you can do differently to become available… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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