I learned to listen to my husband’s wishes. This might sound simple and easy to do, and even a given, right? But it’s not. It’s common for partners to give and do for each other what they’d like for themselves. Just this week I was talking with a client who does not like to make a fuss over her birthday so she doesn’t make one over her husband’s either, when the he actually wants a fuss!
I wish, my husband likes to fly under the radar also. I’ve learned to respect and honor that. I’ve learned not to embarrass him with undo attention and lavish gifts. It makes him uncomfortable. So, why would I celebrate him and gift him in that way? Who am I really gifting then…?
This works both ways. Whoever wants the fuss, should get the fuss. Whoever wants a modest acknowledgement, should get a modest acknowledgement. Who are we to tell our partner what would make them feel good, how they should celebrate and what kind of birthday, or whatever, they should have?
I see so much pain caused by these impositions. Partners’ refuse to do right by their partner… It’s their way or the highway, never mind their partner’s wishes. Yikes!
Partners also get hang up on fairness. They play the tit-for-tat game. If I do this, YOU have to do this. If it doesn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. I’m OK with it, why aren’t you? If I am mindful of this, you should be mindful of this. And, on and on. Fairness is overrated! There is no such thing as fair in relationship.
There will be such things as when one does more than the other, one makes more than the other, one invest more or better than the other, etc. Such is life. If you are both committed, trying and investing you are in good shape.
Don’t get hang up on the details of it all. It’s just noise, minutia and irrelevant life content. You each contribute in your own unique and necessary way… Don’t quantify your investment. Don’t Do in your relationship, Be in your relationship.
And, it’s definitely OK to have double standards! Yes, that’s right. Please read this carefully. This is a huge thing for couples. Partner’s get hang up on justness, rightness, equality, balance, and such in their relating. They worry about how come some rules apply to one and not the other. And, this might be the case for you as well. So, there are two ways to go about this. One, when a rule is made, it applies to both partners.
The one that really cares about the rule, and the other. Both partners agree to abide by this rule. The one that doesn’t particularly love or agree or need the rule complies to meet the partner’s need. Two, when a rule is made, it applies to only one partner.
One partner does a certain behavior, even if they don’t particularly care to, again as an investment. They don’t have the same need, so they don’t require the same behavior of their partner.
The theme here is to stretch and to go out of our way to meet our partner’s needs… Partner’s usually go about this the opposite way. They are all about their own selves, ego driven, thoughtless, uncaring, and selfish. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT encouraging selflessness! I’m encouraging Love…
So, make sure you understand where you both stand on your “rules”. Explore these. What are the wishes, preferences, expectations, guidelines, contracts and agreements that you are each to follow in order to be attuned, connected, safe, synchronized, on the same page, together, and partnering effortlessly?
Don’t impose your wishes for your partner on your partner, they can have their own wishes! Express yours mindfully and respectfully without trumping your partner’s.
Stay open minded, creative, resourceful, giving, compassionate, accepting and forgiving. Both your needs then get met…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Meeting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an area such as celebrating, planning, eating, cleaning, connecting, investing, parenting, dressing, exercising, or whatever, where you have been out of sync or where there has been tension because you have a different approach or preference.
STOP telling your partner what to do, how to do it, how to feel, what to want, how to be and the like, get out of their circle!
Approach your partner about this topic with the gift of letting go… Let them know that going forward they can do it their way…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you ever stopped to think about what your ideal relationship with your partner would look like? If you had your dream relationship today, with your partner, what would be different?
Think about this from the stand point of how you would feel differently, what you would be doing differently, how you would be responding differently, how you would approach your partner differently, how you would look differently, how your routine, lifestyle, home, activities, foods, would be different… What else might be different? If you waved a magic wand and things were as you desire them, what would things be like?
Have you ever stopped to think about what your ideal life, with your partner, would look like? If you had your ideal life today, what would be different?
Think about this from the stand point of how you would feel differently, what you would be doing differently, how you would be responding differently to life events and daily minutia, how you would approach people and situations differently, how you would look differently, how your routine, lifestyle, home, activities, foods, would be different…
What else might be different? If you waved a magic wand and things were as you desire them, what would things be like?
What is coming up for you as you envision these? If you are feeling hopeless and depressed, know that you are not alone. If you are feeling worried and anxious, know that you are not alone. This kind of pondering kicks up fear… Sit for a moment and identify what kind of fear comes up for you: of not being good enough, measuring up, deserving, being accepted, or of being left, succeeding, failing, what?
What would you say if I told you that everything you identified in your ideal relationship and life, you can have… And, that you can have it right now… No, I’m not crazy. No, I’m not dreaming. And, no, I’m not naïve… I know that everything you need to have your awesome relationship and authentic life, you have right now… I know that you can make your vision a reality. It ALL starts with YOU…
Please remember the secret. It is all a state of mind… And, using our mind well… We create our reality with our mind… We can actually rewire ourselves and change our molecular structure… Yes, we are that powerful! Address your fears… All our experiences are there for a reason; they have a purpose. Your job is to use all the triggers, messages, teachings, resources, insights, intuition, and guidance for your and everyone’s highest good.
When you use everything you got, really own yourself, embrace the highest level of Personal Accountability (for real, no lip service…) your vision becomes instantaneously your reality… Believe me I understand this is difficult to imagine, when you are on the other side… But when you come over and start owning and embracing this full personal accountability concept, the world is a different place… I promise…
It is this easy, and it is this challenging. The concept is easy (if you are open, anyway…). The application takes a bit more investing because we get in our own way. We let our ego and mindset, lack of ownership and personal accountability, hold us back.
We don’t throw everything at it. We are arrogant. We know best. Well, how is that working out for you? I know that I have made the biggest strides in all areas of my life when I “surrendered”. When I let go of my Ego and accepted assistance. When I decided to invest in my Self. And, holy moly is it paying off!
I want you to look at every single interaction, thought, action, behavior, choice, decision, and all the rest from the angle of, what can I do different to get a better outcome? If you find that your answer is, nothing. Try again, and again, and again. You are not perfect, therefore you can always do something different or better for a better outcome… It’s a given. When you say, “nothing”, you are not being fully accountable…
Use this rule of thumb going forward and see what a difference this makes. Be prepared to be stretched… Once, you get over the hump and break this habit, or rather embrace the having full Personal Accountability habit, you will automatically be in a different place…
So, if this is not enough to start turning your world upside down, in a good way, here is an additional take on this for those of you looking for a bigger challenge. Go back to your vision and take a look at who you “Are” in your vision. Take a moment to sit with the vision, the feeling of it, of “who you are”. Reaaally feel it. This is your new Identify… This is the new you. Own it…
Then, have EVERYTHING in your life flow from this new identify, from the new you… This is an unbelievable exercise. You’ll be surprised at the nuances that are different as you do life from a different angle… It’s quite amazing.
And, if you are struggling with any of this, here is a short cut: Act-As-If. Maybe you are beginning to get all this, but are having difficulties implementing and creating changes, or taking things to the next level. It’s OK. While you continue to process, feel, stretch, own, become more accountable and such, with this tool you can still get the benefits of a different experience even if you haven’t completely come to the other side yet…
It’s all-good as long as you are intentional and keep investing. Keep the momentum going, create new outcomes. See you on the other side!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Please share your takeaways on our Blog!
Happy Accounting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
You are the Master of your Life. You are the author of your story. You are the creator of your masterpiece. You are the CEO of mylife.com. You are the King / Queen of your Castle. If you were to own this identify, what are two things you would implement immediately to ensure a Thriving Kingdom and Royal Treatment. Go ahead and implement them now! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Our relationship and life are a reflection of the choices we make… I find that we make poor choices at almost every turn and then wonder how come our relationship and life are not as we’d prefer them to be… I find that we do not own our Self and our life, that we do not know who we are and what we are meant to do… I find that we do not take the time to design our relationship and our life.
I find that we are not intentional about creating the relationship and life we desire. I find that we do not Live in the moment and create a fabulous relationship, and life, in every moment…
We have a choice every moment on what to think, how to feel, what to focus on, what to work on, how to respond to things, what to do, what to add or remove from our life, how to set things up, etc. We do not intentionally exercise the power of choice. We mechanically and by default go through life… What an awful and unsuccessful way to Live!
It is time to create an Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life! It is time to implement the habits of highly successful people. This means being intentional about EVERYTHING. This means exercising your power to choose. This means owning, honoring, your Self…
Embrace these basic habits of highly successful people (as it relates to life and relationships):
1) Visualize and decide what kind of life and relationship you desire…
2) Have your relationship and life reflect your values
3) Have a plan and work it!
4) Create balance in your life
5) Manage your Self
6) Be open to feedback and act on it!
7) Work through rough stuff, don’t avoid it
8) Be courageous. Feel your fear, but take action anyway!
9) Create win-win situations (compromise)
10) Take educated risks
11) Address problems quickly and effectively, to resolution…
12) Be adaptable and embrace change
13) Be proactive, not reactive…
14) Be generous, compassionate and kind
15) Strive to always improve your communication and other relational skills
16) Be brutal about removing complaining and blaming from your repertoire
17) Focus on positives and strengths, efforts, contributions, gifts
18) Look for the lesson and stretch in everything; be always learning, healing, growing
19) Use your mind as a tool, your body as your home, your feelings as your compass
20) Be your Spiritual Self
It is time to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life – show up to it, own it, design it, create it, live it!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Life… Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Make a commitment to being the creator of your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Assert that you will exercise intentionality. That you will consciously choose at every turn.
Pick a Success Habit and implement it this week!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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